Thursday, November 4, 2010

How to Succeed in the Corporate World

Hello, Business Majors and Lee Majors!

Listen closely to the jargons in the YouTube video above. This is the kind of bullshit you need to spew in order to land yourself a five-figure salary.

Malaysia is usually about five years behind the rest of the world, so only use jargons that were famous as far back as five years ago.

Start spewing bullshit like, 'blue ocean', 'consumer clouds', value-added, convergence, game-changer, quintuple-play, six sigma, KPI and you're well on your way to becoming a douchebag.

I wanna create some of my own business jargons like:

1. Suck my dick like a vacuum

vague meaning: opponent squeezing as much profit as they can from your department.

Sample usage: "Sir, marketing is sucking my dick like a vacuum. Especially Jerry."

2. Playing with their tits.

Vague meaning: a department or a bunch of people/individual wasting company resources.

Sample Usage: "Mr Lee, I believe that the GM is playing with her tits. In fact, I think the entire marketing department are playing with their tits. I saw Jennifer playing with her tits while Facebooking the other day."

3. Menstruating like a granny on an estrogen drip

Vague meaning: a loss-making division

Sample usage: "Madam chairwoman, I must say that we are menstruating like a granny on an estrogen drip, unless we can find a way to stem the outflow due to our engorged overhead. I suggest we suck our parent company's dick like a vacuum. Obviously, their market research head, Mr Jarvis is playing with his tits."