Sunday, November 28, 2010

Black Magic Human

Someone asked me today, whether I want to see ghosts. As in, ghosts as defined by the Malaysian culture. The hantu raya, the toyol, etc.

Me: For what purpose would this be?

Guy: If you do see ghosts, you will not be you anymore. You will spend the rest of your life looking for ghosts.

Me: For what?

Guy: You will.

Me: Look, I don't care whether ghosts exist or not. In fact, even if they do exist, then they do not answer my fundamental questions. My primary goals.

Guy: What are your primary goals?

Me: How to achieve happiness, and how to make money.

Guy: Blergh.

Me: If I do see ghosts, how do I turn that into a profit?

Guy: Some people say they can create gemstones and gold from mysticism.

Me: Very good. Bring the gold and gems to me, and I will get them a good price. We'll start an industry - supernatural jewelry. Is this real?

Guy: Well, one guy has one gem.

Me: Not enough. We need kilos of the stuff. This is what bothers me. How do we get to manufacture say, a tonne of supernatural gems and precious metals in a year? How many mystics do we employ? Do we give them insurance? What's our target market? What would be a feasible marketing scheme?

Guy: I don't think you can sell this.

Me: Then these things are irrelevant to me. Why would I want to waste my time on it? So that I can be proven right or wrong? How will that make money? How will that be a good investment of my time? I have my own beliefs, and proving or disproving my claims are unimportant, when compared to the potential financial benefits of, say, I don't know - selling keropok lekor?

Guy: But these people have seen things!

Me: Irrelevant. I do not care about the veracity of their claims.

Guy: Do you believe in spirit possession?

Me: Only if it makes me a million bucks.

Guy: What is your explanation for spirit possession?

Me: I have none.

Guy: Do you believe in spirit possession?

Me: My beliefs are irrelevant and inconsequential.

Guy: These things do exist.

Me: And?

Guy: One day, you will believe.

Me: Maybe. And?

Guy: Then you will say that I am right!

Me: You are right. And?

Guy: ...

Me: ...

Guy: You're no fun.

Me: Do I have a sign in front of my house that says 'dead nigger storage'?

Guy: What?

Me: Do I have a sign in front of my house that says 'dead nigger storage'?

Guy: What the fuck?

Me: So there.