Saturday, September 4, 2010

Intermission: Awakenings

I just woke up. Muahahaha.

I am going back to Kuantan soon, for Raya. All I can say is that this year's Ramadan has been a month of revelations and reflection.

Nothing to do with food, though I must say Bangsar's Pasar Ramadan has improved tremendously from recent years.

I found out certain things and am quite satisfied with them. I am glad that I took the appropriate measures I needed to take at any given time. If in the past, I often berate and self-flagellate myself for things I didn't do or could have done, I now allow myself to be proud of what I've done.

I started new ventures and even redefined my role at work.

I have a day job, and some other things going on. From now on, if I am to get involved in any creative project, I will not take them on unless I have a bigger say in the execution of it all. I want to produce, direct or co-produce or co-direct things. Cause producers and directors, these two roles have 90% say of what happens to a production.

I will take some time to master enough skills and have enough contacts to direct, but it will come, in time. Slowly but surely. I'm in no rush.

And that's another thing. Know how I HATED waiting? Look, I function much faster than how things usually unfold. When I plan, it's usually for years and years ahead. This is both good and bad. Oh well.

My following The Truth has revealed how twisted and corrupted some people's versions are. They start lying to themselves, and they believe in their own bullshit. And then they infect others.

Sorry, dude, been there, done that. Nowadays, I just don't care. I see things and people for what they are trying to be at that moment in time - for it is impossible to know the entirety of any soul anyway - and if my energy is low, I couldn't care less to fuel their delusions or dysfunctions. It is tiring to prop up people's idea of the world and for far too long, I have been an enabler. I placate people. Reassure them that what they are on is the right path.


The Truth is, I don't know. No one knows. I only know what is the right course of action for me. Some people sense this, and they try to fuck me up. Because I have faith, and they do not.

Funny, isn't it? Me, saying I have faith? Well, I do. Let's call it something else. Call it... conviction. I have the conviction of a four-year-old. I live life like an eight-year-old, while my mind is millions of years old.

I have a sense that I have seen everything before. I have been through all this before. Even in shock, I am constantly reminded that yes, I was at this exact same stage, feeling the exact same thing before.

Why? Maybe because inside my head, I have thought about most possibilities countless times. It is just that when I was younger, I thought it was not fair for me to use any of the information for personal gain. No one else seem to have that kind of insight. If I were to use it, that would put me at an unfair advantage.

However, I have seen that God, Atheismo, Science, Eywa, The Awareness, whatever, has also given them other skills I do not have.

Like the ability to lie casually. About everything. The capability of using others without remorse or guilt. The superpower of living a comfortable lie, and not being bothered by it.

I am no saint. No angel. In fact, I am a demon. But there are lines I do not cross, where these people traverse every day.

I know I'm being judgmental. Oh well.

It is still The Truth.

Am going to take a nap now. I got loads to do tonight, and some friends have asked me to go out drinking. Have to juggle everything.