Sunday, May 31, 2009

From the Toilet with Reflux

I am right now in the KL Hilton toilet.

The reception and Internet connectivity of my Blackberry is okay enough to do this post.

I am having stomach problems again.

This morning, I went to the emergency ward at Pantai Medical where they gave me a drug intra-venously to stop my stomach from producing more acids.

Apparently, my habit of taking painkillers backfired as Syn Flax, one of them, has to be taken with something else in order for me not to get acid reflux.

This reflux is bad. Kept me from sleeping all of last night.

The doctor and nurses were all nice. At RM171, they better be.

They entertained my queries and at the very least did not pretend to inject me with morphine like that last time.

What they gave me was supposed to work immediately.

It worked, some, but too slow.

So, at the risk of getting another Syn Flax blunder, I took Chi-Kit Teck Aun and some more antacids.

And am staying away from acidic and hot foods. For now.

Oh well. At least I could enjoy KL Hilton's toilet.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Bukit Damansara. The height of luxury.

For the consummate connosieur of rich rental such as Lord Amir Hafizi, nothing is acceptable unless it has a motorised autogate.

With the flick of a button, the gate miraculously slides away, allowing for the passage of such vehicles as the Kelisa, the Honda something-something and of course, the greatest car in the world - a car politicians would kill for - the Toyota Camry.

And with the depression of another, similar button, the gate swings shut! Ah, life in the luxuriously pampered Space Age.

Situated just five minutes from the less-affluent yet full of sluts Bangsar, the motorised autogate also comes with a three-story comparative mansion. Comparative because compared to Lord Amir Hafizi's previous haunts, none has a courtyard. Or even a lawn.

There is a huge refrigerator, which houses some of Lord Amir Hafizi's delightful delicacies. Such as smoked sausages, and soy milk.

"The heathens frown on these," said his liege. "They have an affinity to bananas which I find quite disturbing. Loaded with fibre they might be."

The cabinets, meanwhile, are stocked with the greatest instant noodles ever created by man - Myojo Mi Goreng Pedas.

"I discovered a cache right there in lowly Bangsar. Aheheh. So naturally, I bought all I could find."

And oats. And bran.

Lord Amir Hafizi spends his time arguing with Government bodies and Opposition cadavers as he fancies himself a post-modern necrophile.

After moving to Bukit Damansara, he also finds sporting time to laugh at poor people.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

His enviable fortune resulting from a raid on PTPTN, his liege dreads the time when he will one day pay them their dues.

"It's a terrible business, I say! Terrible business! Not 'alf!"

His liege also fears that finally having his feet on the ground, means he can no longer watch his veritable collection of moving Tijuana Bibles without raising the ire and skirts of his neighbours.

But the gentleman of the old school trudges along merrily. With spirit and gusto.

"Let's make Britain, Great again. Cheerio."

Stand Alone Complex: The Laughing Man

FINALLY!

The Malay Male has come back. To. Bangsar.

I just completed my move to Damansara. Why? So I could be closer to my gym. Last year, with diet and exercise, I lost 14kg in just three months.

Now, I plan to go all the way, baby.

I just spent RM200 on healthful (the CORRECT term. Not 'healthy') food and cigarettes. Took me all day, man. I paid a maid RM50 to pack for me and RM170 for a lorry and two movers.

I also treated Cheepork to a RM2.50 wantan noodle thing at Restoran Berjaya. For bringing some of my shit here.

Next week, I need to do two things - buy a bed and closet/wardrobe from Ikea and also do some repairs on my old apartment. So I could claim the full deposit.

This new place at Damansara makes me feel rich. Like a juburjuis. Like Rodek.

I laugh at all the poor people, because I am so fucking juburjuis.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, and I just realised that my old mattress, the one I got as a gift, a full-latex affair, is actually worth RM10,000. Now, if only I can pass it to PTPTN and slash half of my debts.

But, no. It has sentimental and seminal value. As in, seminal fluids. Muahahahaha!

Juburjuis mode, ON! Ramrod challenge phase, ONE!

Mobili in Mobilis

Okay, I am moving, so no one fucking bother me, Okay?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Stand Alone Complex: Stomach-Ache Nirvana

I was trying to sleep when I woke up with a bad stomach-ache. This was to be my last day here, so I feasted on local delicacies...too much.

And then, sitting on my primum mobile - the toilet seat - I experienced a satori - a flash of realisation.

My recent dealings with PTPTN has shown me that the people most likely to screw me over are the Malays.

They're the most spiteful people ever. And I know this, because I am Malay. Partly.

So, it is actually of no use to catalogue people based on their race. I will no longer help the 'Malays', as was my mission before. Instead, I will help those in need of help.

A superhero who only likes to help his own kind, is Aquaman. And Aquaman is lame. Always bitching about 'surface-dwellers'. What a fucktard.

This has taught me a valuable lesson. Fuck all the races. Race sucks. Malays suck. Chinese suck. Indians suck. And other races suck, too.

If only we can look beyond race and skin colour. Then we can learn to understand one another and fuck each other in the ass as individuals, and not some race concept propagated by stupid-ass selfish politicians.

Let's join hands and suck each other's wangs. And share our DNA. Hehehehehe.

Intermission: Solid State Society

Had a good meeting just now. Which inspires me to write something else for a different project altogether.

Tonight, though, I will be packing. Tomorrow is a big move day and I already confirmed a lorry.

Everything is set for a new chapter in my life and God knows I need a fresh start.

See you after I reassembled the PC at my new Damansara home.

Mass-Produced Gundam Custom

Aku jadi religious. Cam dalam Animatrix.

In the name of God, the most gracious, the most merciful.

May God have mercy on man and machine.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Major Arcana: Strength

Triumph in the face of adversity.

Never in my life have I faced a bleaker present.

People whom I owe money to are asking for it and doing all the cruel things they can do to get it.

While people who owe me money simply haven't paid or did not reply to my messages.

I will remember who my friends are, and who tried to shaft me.

I do believe that in the end, there will be balance.

The Wheel of Fortune continues to spin. And when it stops, may God have mercy on your souls. For I am not sure whether I will.

True Neutral: What Has to be Done

As a true neutral, I say we should all bust Mas Selamat out of ISA.

ISA is a draconian law that targets terrorists and alleged terrorists. This is NOT FAIR!

ISA is a cruel thing and we should all light candles and stand outside police stations. Why? Because the Royal Malaysian Police is afraid of candles. It's like garlic to a vampire.

And we should also voice out our frustrations at ISA. Why? Why, because our voice matters, that's why. We matter. Our votes matter. The Government has to do what we tell it to do.

Like 'fire all PTPTN staff' or 'set fire to the PTPTN building'. Oh, and 'abolish ISA!'.

As Malaysian citizens, we matter a lot to the Government. What we say is so fucking important. Our voices and grouses are being listened to. It might take, oh say, 999 years, but eventually, they will listen.

Free Mas Selamat Movement! Free MSM!

True Neutral

The Government have only given me grief.

Their 'gifts' all have a price to it, and hidden costs.

Their attitudes no better than when they climbed off trees and started driving Gen2s.

The Opposition will probably give me even more grief.

For they are not just evil and stupid, but hypocrites as well.

I long for a society with no administration. No beureaucracy.

I long for chaos.

I want war. I wish this country is at war, and people are dying on the streets.

I want you to die.

Without hate. Without emotion. Just, for you all to die.

Please, God, give this cunt-ry war! WAR! WAAARRR!

I want a 10-year nuclear war. Starting now.

C'mon, US! We hate your guts! Bomb us with your weapons, before you lose your place as the number one superpower.

I want WAR to happen here.

People. Dying. Blood. Spilling.

Death! War! Famine! Pestilence!

Apocalypse! Apokolips!

Darkseid!

Brainiac!

Magog!

Sinestro!

Parallax!

Hera!

Gorilla Grodd!

Luthor!

Destroy this world. Please?

Ehhhhh. Nothing's gonna happen. Nothing ever happens.

The Next Step

I just finished the second batch of ammendments.

Hopefully, everything will be fine. This used to be a hobby, you know. So I got a meeting tomorrow and Friday. Sunday as well. And Monday. And Tuesday.

Can't believe it's almost mid-year already. There are more stuff that needs doing later.

I was formerly working only for food and shelter. And Blackberrys. Now, I got a target to achieve. Probably tomorrow, I'll pay 10% of my study loans.

If my next batch of payments are in within a couple of weeks' time, I can pay perhaps another 10% or 20%.

New projects might afford more funds.

And if some people who owe me money pay me, then that will also go to the loans. Unfortunately, I don't have anything that can slap them with 12% interest. The world is not fair. Boo fucking hoo.

Do you hear me copping out? Nosirree. I'll walk my yellow ass back across 8 mile. I got the seven digits from yo mother for a dollar tomorrow.

Porn

I just finished a horror story, and it's 1.41am, and for some reason, the wind is blowing hard.

I stay alone. In a 1400sqft apartment. On the fourth floor.

I have another script to do.

Thank God for porn.

Adieu

A few days ago, Terrina Hussein and her family - Emmet and child Izzy - landed safely somewhere in Canada.

She messaged me through Google Chat while in transit in Hong Kong. And once more when they finally reached home. Their new home.

I worked with her at The Malay Mail. Entertainment desk. For a few years. She was part of the team assembled by Zainal Alam Kadir - our editor, mentor, life coach and friend.

She was frantic, neurotic, easily frazzled and had buttons as big as mountains.

We made fun of her connections with Pak Lah - she's related to the former Prime Minister.

She loves to complain. Whine and bitch.

I came to know her as a friend. More so after The Old Malay Mail collapsed and was replaced with a new one.

She cried when she sent her resignation letter. I had sent mine months earlier. Unable to resist poking fun at her misery, I immediately went, after office hours, to see her bawl her eyes out.

That was fun.

In subsequent months, I became her pusher. Her drug supplier. She was trying to quit smoking, see, and whenever I visited her to catch up and do the barf-inducing 'those were the days' chats, I would bring at least three packs of cigarettes.

I had my own personal joke with her.

"See what your uncle did to the country? You better leave now, before the shit REALLY hits the fan."

"When Najib becomes PM, I'LL be the nephew of the Prime Minister, and you'd be NOTHING! NOTHING! MUAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

She was one of the few friends I helped convince to leave the country.

"This country is fucked up! When the Opposition finally takes over, a 100-megaton nuclear explosion will happen, resulting in failures of all technology in a 1000KM radius!"

Of course, she and her husband Emmet had planned to leave anyway for years, but I like to think I helped them on their way by telling horror future stories of a dystopian Malaysia.

In fact, I had started applications to Australia, Germany, Switzerland, New Zealand, even Saudi Arabia long before I decided to stay and fight for all this country is worth. Because I'm a sucker for lost causes. Going against the odds. Raging against the machine. SUperhero complex. Yadda yadda yadda.

Well, she's gone now.

Not dead yet, I hope. And I hope all the best for them and their child or perhaps children. I do believe that the Canadian education system is in some ways better than the Malaysian Education SystemS (MESS).

I just ran out of one more friend to make fun of.

And YES, Terrina, now I'M the nephew of the Prime Minister and you are NOTHING! NOTHING! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Goodbye. Good night. Sleep tight.

Anger Management

I used to feed on anger. It used to be my fuel.

These past few weeks reminded me of my younger days. I was a very angry young man. VERY angry.

It was like I was Metallo and anger was my kryptonite.

So much anger. So much hate. So much suffering.

I used to be so angry at the senseless cruelty people inflict on one another. I guess I still am.

PTPTN loan defaulters inflict pain on other people, and PTPTN in turn inflict pain on them and in their turn, PTPTN loan defaulters such as myself inflict pain on them.

Rich people who are afraid that the poor will take away their money or IS taking away their money hold on to it desperately, greedily, and poor people in turn become spiteful of other poor people.

I might say a lot of things, but at the end of it all, I guess I am an idealist. That is why I hate all idealists. In the end, there can be only one.

In the end, if you take away all the emotion, all that anger, what remains are simple courses of action.

In my case, I will pay PTPTN. I will pay what I owe them, what I owe society, and I will have to pay, under protest, the heavy interest they want to inflict upon me. That would be the honourable thing to do.

I will also make it known to PTPTN loan takers, past, present and future, so they will learn from this. Pay your dues on time.

Another group that needs to be informed are the powers that be. You can take the hardline approach, but be prepared to make things worse, rather than better.

Sadly, I do not know how many loan defaulters will actually pay, because of many reasons - the lack of communication or lack of good communication - between the body and the people they serve.

You can try and bankrupt a million Malaysians. I hope it will make our country better.

Oh well.

As for me, it's back to work. If my calculations are correct, I may be able to pay all I owe PTPTN, lump sum, by the first quarter of next year. That's my target. By hook, or by crook.

And being a lucky motherfucker, my plans always turn out better than I could dream of. So, we'll see if I can settle everything before the end of the year.

At the very least, I know that my life insurance policy can pay for many, many PTPTN loans. So worse comes to worse, I can always die and pay it off.

Tomorrow or the day after, I'm going to go and settle 10% of the whole chunk.

But I will work for this. And then earn the right to be a Kacang Lupakan Kulit. A very loud, very vocal one. For I will only have the right to go after something as soon as I no longer owe it anything.

For I, Amir Hafizi, am a superhuman Samurai. THE Ancient Spirit of Evil. And unlike RPK, I am planning to stay. And pay for my sins.

See you in hell.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Redza Minhat



CAPTION: RODEK TENGAH STIM KAT DIRI SENDIRI

From:
http://beautifulnara.com/category/malaysiaartist/redza-minhat/


Rodek, Rodek.

People said this is my friend Redza Minhat's (aka Rodek's) picture.

Some choice comments from a popular forum thread:

"Merembes air mak." (My fluids are being produced from some unauthorised gland somewhere down there.)

"Barang kemas segumbuaris!" (Big Dick.)

"Ni mix cimcimeri ke?" (Mutt?)

Erm...ulp.

For people who know Rodek personally, this has been a big joke. In more ways than one.

For one, Rodek is not homosexual. You hear me? Rodek is not homosexual! Okay?

Rodek has a girlfriend who allowed me to post this picture of NOT-Rodek here. And the girlfriend said that Rodek is definitely not homosexual!

Secondly, Rodek does not have six-pack abs. Well, I wouldn't know. Not really. It was too dark to see.

What I do know is that while Rodek is nothomosexual, he likes to engage in lengthy, intellectual discourses.

And when I say discourses, I meant, conversations. And when I say conversations, I meant yapping.

He's like an American.

"Let me tell you something!"

"I'm just gonna say this!"

In fact, he reminds me of me - a guy who can't stop talking to save his life.

I do not think he is interested in gay relationships. Or Cheepork. He's just an ordinary juburjuis making his way in the world. And doing plays by the side.

Wait. He's in performing arts?

No way, man! He is definitely not homosexual!

Kisah Penjelajahan Boron - Orang Paling Membosankan Di Alam Semesta

Aku pergi ke Bangsar tadi untuk membuat kunci pendua, kemudian terus memberikan kunci asli kepada pemiliknya.

Kemudian, aku membuat beberapa panggilan telefon dan mengatur semua temujanji untuk minggu ini. Ada satu untuk hari esok, lusa, Sabtu, Ahad dan Isnin. Lepas tu aku dapat panggilan telefon untuk hari Selasa punya meeting la pulak.

Pastu Jumaat depan.

Sambil tu, aku kena aturkan pasal aku nak pindah ke Damansara. AKu kena pindah Sabtu. Lori kena dapatkan Sabtu.

Sebelum tu, aku kena pindahkan sikit-sikit barang aku.

Banyak jugak la. Aku dah ada orang untuk tolong aku esok (mungkin), Jumaat dan Sabtu.

Deadline aku ada dua malam ni. Sebelum tu, aku kena tidur dulu. Aku takkan keluar minum sampai kerja aku siap.

Harapnya, kerja aku akan dibayar dengan cepat, supaya aku boleh melangsaikan hutang piutang.

Aku nak jadi orang merdeheka. Lepas tu, siap.

Free Mas Selamat Movement

An alleged terrorist, Mas Selamat, has been reportedly arrested under the Internal Security Act.

As a fake liberal, I condemn his arrest and ISA.

We should all free terrorists or alleged terrorists like Mas Selamat.

Why? In order to safeguard our freedom! And our way of life.

Remember:

One day, they arrested terrorists and alleged terrorists. And we did nothing. Because we are not terrorists.

Then, they went for lawyers.

Then, the politicians.

Then, the deviants.

Then, when PTPTN comes for us, we'd be dead.

Oops. I mean, when ISA comes for us, we'd be dead by then.

And there would be no one to defend us. Because the terrorists, lawyers and politicians all died before.

Boo fucking hoo!

Say no to say no to ISA!

Things To Do

Lots of work to do. I am moving to Damansara, to be closer to PTPTN so I can send the Shylocks a pound of my flesh easier.

I am also finalising the fourth draft of a script tonight, and also the third draft of another script tonight as well.

I have set up meetings for Friday, Sunday and next Monday. I also have to call a lorry to get my mattress and pillows, chair and bookcase to my new home.

Called the cleaner I am familiar with and she has agreed to clean my new place as well. Once a week at RM30 for two hours (plus cab fares). I might as well give her RM40. Because she doesn't charge me extra.

Also, I need to scrape some things off my old apartment's floor and apply a coat of varnish on the paquet/paquette/whatever.

I also need to start collecting money owed to me. In my ever living campaign.

It's tough, being an ancient spirit of EVIL. But hey, beats being a politician.

Dr M to Attack Uncle Najib?

Wut?

Apparently, some of Uncle Najib's appointments and decisions in the Government have raised the ire of Dr Manhattan.

Remember, Big Blue killed Pak Lah (though KJ remains at large). If Dr M were to attack Uncle Najib, that could very well be the shortest reign as PM ever, beating Pak Lah by years.

Uncle Najib already has 52 years of shit to handle. Not to mention the mess left by Pak Lah's administration.

Dr M's attack would be the decisive, finishing blow for Uncle Najib, and BN.

That's all she wrote, man.

And also the handling of stuff so far.

The bridge. The conduct of civil servants. The appropriation of funds within the Government.

The normal corruption allegations.

The Opposition would do well to just shut up and listen, for now.

While BN does need its usual jumping up and down supporters to counter PR's baboons, they actually have to do the work.

How these politicians respond within the next few weeks could very well determine the next GE.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

PTPTipu

Jumlah peminjam PTPTN adala dalam 1.2 juta orang, kalau ikut statistik suka ati dua-tiga tahun lepas. Aku takde statistik betul.

Yang pinjam ni rata-rata Melayu. Kebanyakannya orang miskin. MARA dah tak kasi sangat pinjaman pasal orang duk lari daripada membayar pinjaman MARA dah berpuluh tahun. Tak taula MARA dah bankrap ke tidak, pasal orang lari daripada bayar.

Graduan yang meminjam daripada PTPTN ada beberapa jenis:

1. Jenis bayar balik skema

- jenis paling bagus. Lepas 6 bulan, dah start bayar balik. Faedah yang diorang kena cumalah 4%.

- faedah tu riba? Pergi mampus. Haram tak haram, PTPTN harus mendapatkan kembali duitnya, by hook or by crook.

2. Jenis bayar malu-malu pukimakkau

- yang ni, bayar suka hati dia. Kadang-kadang, RM50 sebulan. Kadang-kadang, tak bayar. Kadang-kadang, RM100.

- semuanya kurang daripada jumlah minimum RM122.

- korang ingat korang selamat?

3. Jenis macam aku

- aku ingat dulu bayar, tapi diorang asyik hantar surat kat mak bapak aku. Aku call, mintak suruh berenti antar surat. Dia cakap suruh aku call PTPTN Pantai Timur. Aku mintak nombor. Takde, dia cakap.

- aku rasa, aku stop bayar pasal dia tak stop hantar surat.

- pastu, dia saman aku. Aku pergi court, dia caj aku 12%. Pasal apa? Pasal aku jenis yang NAK bayar. Jenis yang NAK bayar, dia akan kenakan faedah melampau pasal nak cover balik jenis yang tak bayar.

- kiranya aku bayar untuk si malaun yang tak bayar langsung la. Gitu la.

4. Jenis haram tak bayar

- jenis paling best. Langsung taknak bayar. Dapat surat, campak ke dalam tong. Kena saman, campak dalam longkang.

- jenis ni ingat, kalau undi pembangkang, nanti dihapuskan faedah tu.

- Bodoh la kau. Kalau Anwar jadi PM pun, yang handle loan kau kat PTPTN masih orang yang sama. Dengan KPI yang sama.

Aku duk menengok semua ni, aku geleng kepala.

Masalah 1: peminjam taknak bayar.

Ni memang masalah dasar. Dasar taknak bayar. Nak buat cemana? Ko panggil la dia mengadap Agong pun, aku rasa dia taknak bayar punya.

Masalah 2: PTPTN kenakan faedah tinggi.

Kalau dah 12% tu, aku pun nak melabur la kat PTPTN. ASB pun tak bagi faedah setinggi tu. Pinjaman peribadi pun ada cap kat 9.9%.

Swastakan PTPTN, ambik caruman daripada orang, janjikan pulangan 10% setahun.

Ko ingat, semua orang macam aku ke, nak try settlekan semua pinjaman dalam masa setahun? Atau beberapa tahun je?

Pandai-pandai la aku cari jalan, gode sesuka hati. Pastu aku nak maki ko, pasal ko memang pukimak.

Lagi ko kenakan faedah tinggi, lagi la diorang tak mau bayar. Lagipun, PTPTN punya imej jahanam kat mata manusia, orang yang mengaku Islam dan lain-lain.

Masalah 3: Khidmat pelanggan PTPTN macam sial.

Ramai yang mengadu atau jadikan ini alasan.

Aku pun pernah kena. Call PTPTN, asyik kena maki je dulu. Nak bayar, sikit punya susah.

Pastu, aku nak bayar, dia cakap, "Kami takkan terima." Pasal apa? Pasal dia gila nak bawak orang ke mahkamah. Pastu nak caj 12%. Apa, firma guaman yang handle kes-kes ni semua anak sedara ko ke?

Ni aku malas nak maki banyak sangat. Ko tunggu la, lepas aku habis bayar. Aku memang ada azam tinggi nak bayar, pastu aku akan maki ko cukup-cukup.

Sekarang ni pun, aku akan hantar surat ke semua tempat dan tengok apa yang jadi. Aku tak rasa jadi apa-apa. Tapi aku takkan berenti dari mencuba, pasal aku rasa cara PTPTN handle semua ni tak betul.

Dan akibatnya, BN kalah pilihanraya. Ko bayangkan, kalau daripada 1.2 juta peminjam tu, 1 juta tak bayar. Pasal whatever la. Pastu, kena caj 12%. Pastu semua nak undi Opposition. Pastu mak bapak dia semua sekali nak undi Opposition.

Ko tengah tengok kat lebih 3 juta undi swing kat Pembangkang. Daripada demografik yang sepatutnya ingin ditarik oleh BN dan UMNO.

Daripada berterima kasih, diorang duk menyumpah kat PTPTN dan akhirnya, Kerajaan.

Aku dan orang macam aku, lain. Kitorang tengok big picture. Masih lagi ada rasa tanggungjawab nak bayar. Masih boleh bezakan antara Kerajaan, PTPTN, dan staff PTPTN, serta staff PTPTN yang datang bulan masa aku call PTPTN.

Orang yang fikir dia adalah mangsa PTPTN, takkan fikir macam aku.

Pasal apa? Pasal cara handle yang salah.

Lantak ko lah.

Aku taknak tulis dah pasal PTPTN melainkan ada berita menarik, atau lepas aku dah bayar habis. Lepas aku dah bayar habis, siap la korang. Aku akan maki ko sampai ke anak cucu ko sekali aku hanjingkan. Apa-apa masalah dan kesilapan ko semua aku highlightkan. Malah, Facebook ko aku masuk.

Saya Yang Menjalankan Tugas,

Setan Kuning

PTPTN: Doing the Maths

Just drank half a bottle of cough syrup. Am on a bus to KL.

So naturally, my brain starts calculating.

I suspect that PTPTN's strong arm tactics is designed to force loan defaulters to settle everything off quickly.

Wanting to avoid the Ah-Longish 12% interest, many would cave in and pay the full amount. Myself included.

Maybe it's the KPI of some people in PTPTN - get a percentage of the money back at all costs.

Can't blame them. In fact, let's help them!

Let's look at the facts:

1. Bankruptcy threshold is 30K.
As long as your loan is below 30K, they cannot proceed with bankrupting you.

So always, always keep your loan below 30K.

2. 12% a year is manageable.

Let's look at a typical PTPTN loan.

Say, you borrowed 25K.

Now, 12% a year is 3000. Per year.

Now, that's 250 per month.

Which means that in theory, you can just pay RM250 a month, in perpetuity, and avoid any legal conflicts. And PTPTN still won't get a bulk of their money back.

And people will fail their KPIs.

Which is bad. We don't want that.

So say you want to chip away at the principal loan.

Say you want to pay 20% a year, meaning 12% interest + 8% of the loan.

Meaning in 12 years, you can settle 96% of the loan, plus interests, which amounts to 144% of the loan.

From 25K, this translates to 5000 a year which is around 416.67 a month.

Hmmm. Not many would be able to afford this.

So let's try 15% a year. 12% interest and 3% at the principal.

Means in 30 years plus a handful of months, everything is paid. That and 360% in interests payments alone.

Back to the 25K example, that's 3750 per year, at 312.50 per month.

Or, just do what the PR people do. Don't pay, and wait for a double miracle.

Which might never happen.

Or do it like RPK. Run away as fast as you can.

Or, if you're rich, simply pay the loan.

If you're not rich, be a snatch thief. When they catch you, just say you are doing it to pay PTPTN loans. I'm sure the police would understand.

Deep Throat

Thanks for the info!

And for sucking my wang. I will use it when the need arises.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Results

So. I went back to Kuantan for several research and also to attend my very first court proceedings.

Honestly, I am not that disappointed with the results of my court case.

I am surprised at the viciousness of PTPTN's legal tactics but am more shocked at the attitudes of the Young Professional Loan Defaulters - or Yup Lords - such as myself.

I mean, we all borrowed money from PTPTN. Even if they are more hell bent on sucking our dicks dry, even if their tactics border on Rwandan atrocities and, following Hindraf's example, financial enthnic cleansing, we are still in the wrong.

Even at the inhuman 12%, I am adamant at trying to pay the whole amount within one year.

How do I do it? I don't know. But I will work hard at finally being able to tell PTPTN to go fuck its civil service ass off, without an ounce of guilt.

One day, I will earn the right to tell PTPTN to fuck off and die.

And that day will come soon.

But the Yup Lords, man, the stuff they said. 'Just don't pay them.' 'Vote for the Opposition cause they will eradicate the 4%.'

I do believe this PTPTN issue will play a major role in swaying young votes. But that's not for me to decide.

On the plus side, I now have a partner in crime. The headman is intrigued by what I had to say and is willing to provide me with information that would help in my grand scheme to aid the poor people in the village.

The disparity between the rich with their million-dollar dining tables and 30 million dollar yachts and 1000 dollar dinners with the people who make less than 400 a month and has to take care of 6-8 children has been bugging me for years.

Years!

And I am going to do what I can to help these people live better lives.

Simply because I can.

I hate you, PTPTN, but I will pay you. It is my responsibility. I will earn the right to call you a cock-sucking, slow, fucked up fucking fucktard motherfucker.

I will earn it, after I no longer owe you anything.

And then I am going to call you that every day, for the rest of my natural life.

And when I die, I will rise from the grave and haunt your PTPTN toilets.

And I will help you, village people, even though I don't like your gay songs.

Not because I like you, or owe you anything.

But because I am a megalomaniac who believes that he will bring balance to the farce.

Head ON! : Land of the Lost

The only asset these village folk have is their land.

They have lots of land.

That's it. No money. No gold. No PTPTN loans. Just land.

So the only way to help them would be to assist them in making full use of their land.

They each have around one acre of land each.

So one of the most suitable plants for them to try and cultivate, would be lemongrass. Pandan. Curry leaves. And papaya.

We are swamp rats. So these things grow well on our land.

After meeting with the headman, he threw those ideas. Fantastic!

Now, my job is twofold.

Research the available markets for said projects, work out the logistics and the quantum.

As soon as the headman works out the mechanics and how to plant the damned things, I will need to search for funds.

Since I am a CRIMINAL! By PTPTN standards, I will not handle a single cent.

Instead, I have identified two tax-deductible foundations to house this thing under.

That's for economic projects.

As for food and clothing, it will go through some organisations and foundations.

The headman also suggested home improvement projects as well as constructing new homes for poor people.

There are two families right now living in really squallid conditions. One family doesn't even has a home.

They squat at a hut beside the mosque.

As soon as I get a camera back to Kuantan, I'll show you what needs to be done and the projects we intend to do.

Hopefully, by then, you would come and give ME - I mean, give the poor people money for the projects.

Head ON!

Spice Mines of Kessel!

I am talking to the headman.

We are plotting a spice empire for the poor!

Muahahahahaha!

He who controls the spice, fucks a lot.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I am going to have to start packing at my old apartment tomorrow.

Need to start moving by Wednesday. Bit by bit or perhaps a huge move on Friday.

Mmm.

Thus begins a new chapter in the life of Boron!

Rabble-Rouser: The One Year Campaign

It's too fucking hot inside, so I went outside.

It's too fucking boring here, so I'm gonna rouse some rabble.

Rabble!

Rabble-rabble!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

C'mon! Repeat after me!

Rabble!

Rabble-rabble!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

We're not gonna take this shit anymore!

I'm gonna work hard, get enough money to pay my debts to society - hopefully within a year - and then I'm going to swear and curse like I've never done before.

C'mon, kids! Let's pay ALL our debts to PTPTN AND MARA within ONE year and fucking swear and curse them to oblivion!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

I'm starting this campaign...for myself.

Y'all are free to join or unjoin.

Let's drown the motherfucking PTPTN in five cent coins!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

Rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble-rabble!

Something Old, Something New

PPP?

PIS-M?

PTPTN?

Wut?

Wet and Wild

It's fucking hot and humid in Kuantan.

Been that way for days.

The big swamp is nearby and the humidity keeps on rising. And there's a lot of sunshine, making it feel like a sauna.

And the bugs, man. We got a RM6 bug-zapper-swatter and many thousands of bugs fell prey to it.

This is the hottest and most humid period of Kuantan ever.

I couldn't even sleep last night cause it was so fucking hot.

I just put on this shirt this evening and I am now slick with sweat.

Man. I need another shower.

Addendum

Oh yeah, I forgot. If there are discrepancies or problems with the summons letter, you can actually take action against the law firm that served them up to you.

I don't know whether this is true or not, and whether this will involve the courts or the Bar Council, but I intend to find out.

In the interest of serving you better.

The LitiGator signs out.

And may God have mercy on man and machine.

Free PTPTN Advice

Here's a sample of my skills.

So, you've been served summonses by PTPTN.

Haven't been paying, have you?

Fear not! I, The LitiGator, is here!

First of all, it makes no difference if you appear or not in court.

Really.

If you don't, the case will be given a Judgment in Default.

If you do, you will be forced to answer either yes or no.

Saying no will not result in anything. You want justice? Watch Justice League on Cartoon Network.

Serves you right for not paying. And for being born poor.

How DARE you invoke the wrath of the almighty?

Who the fuck are you? KJ?

Saying yes means you will be out the door in two minutes - remember to bow at the magistrate - and slapped with the inhuman 12% interest rates.

Either way, you will be slapped with 12% interest rates.

It's like a choice between sodomy and getting your butt fucked.

By a dog.

So no worries there.

You're screwed the time when you were born poor.

Okay.

Now, what you can do about it afterwards.

You have a few options.

If you are RPK, you can run away. To Australia! Or the UK!

Amazing vacations! Probably paid for by Jews.

If you're a man, you have to stay. And pay.

You can take the PR-supporting lawyers' way.

Pay when you feel like it. Or don't pay, and then wait for BN to lose. Which really makes no difference.

Or set up an automatic debt repayment system, and start focusing on making more money.

On day, friends, the children or grandchildren of these people who screwed us over will be under our purview. And that is when we strike, for vengeance is a dish best served cold. And bitter.

At the end of the day, everyone is fucked. One way or another.

Hahaha. Just kidding.

A life lived in bitterness is just not sweet.

Instead, fuck anything that walks.

Okay. Now let's talk about legal recourse. If you have the funds to spare, hire a team of lawyers and sue everyone you can sue.

Why? I dunno. Doesn't make any sense, but hey, neither does PTPTN. At least, not in a good, non-spiteful way.

Or Kok.

This could probably have been avoided if you paid on time.

Just remember, if anyone owes you money, you can copy PTPTN's demands and slap 12% interest rates as well on everyone!

Hooray! 12% interest for everyone!

Otherwise known as RAPE.

1 per cent!

Now that I am a specialist in PTPTN summonses, I would like to set up a business.

Anyone having been served the papers and told to attend court proceedings can contact me for advice on how to proceed.

This is not legal advice. This is just common sense and experience.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the Academy, Jesus Christ, Muhammad, Buddha, Budai, Xenu, Ganesha and God for giving me this talent.

Also thanks to lawyer M. You know who you are.

I didn't get my chance to do an Alan Shore, but you made me feel like Alan Shore's client.

And for no particular reason - the firm of Salleh Abbas, Yacob and Sofiah.

Also, the five lawyer dudes who helped me today.

And paid for my drinks.

Who says lawyers are heartless bastards?

Well, those in ARR&Co are fucktards and expect a letter from me soon, you fucking bastards!

I am spiteful enough and Malay enough to spend all my resources available to me in order to make your lives miserable.

Nah. Just kidding. Relax. No one is going to scratch your fancy cars.

And I would like to thank my parents, the directors I am working with, my business partners, my mentors, and a shout-out to the people in the original The Malay Mail, Astro and Measat Pub.

Also the peeps at Nasty Pee. May your pee not be nasty, and if it is, take some penicillin shots. Works like a charm, or so I've been told.

Anyway, anyone who wishes to take on the Big P, I will charge you 1% of my loan each for personalised advice.

Now, if 112 of you would like to step forward, I'll go merrily on my way.

Cheers!

Twilight of the Superhero

Oh well. The PTPTN shit is more or less settled.

Results: I have to pay a lot more money, and BN is going to lose the next election.

Now, on to other things.

I have a meeting with the headman tonight. I'm going to lay out my plans to save the world, with or without politicians.

What I need for the project is proper information. And proper information gathering machine.

That machine would be the headman's car. And the headman, of course.

I will do this project, and after settling PTPTN and any debts I have left, in the next few years, I am probably going to Run with RPK!

Probably when I'm 40 or something. I will not allow my nephews or - God forbid - my kids be part of this country's education policies.

I need to make more money so they will have a better chance outside the cunt-ry.

And the people in this village and others still need food and clothing.

PTPTN's case against me could very well weigh heavily on my head for a few hours, but these people find it hard to even secure a comfortable living, much less to go to university and owe PTPTN an amount of money that will certainly write off Malaysia's deficit. As well as write off BN's chances amongst the young professional loan defaulters - Yupp Lords.

Somebody, somewhere, is always suffering more. So if you're having your period, fuck you. Think Somalia. They would gladly have your period.

Aw, man. I didn't get to do my Alan Shore bit. But I suspect this will not be my last day in court.

Fuck all this shit.

It's time for the Pimp Signal!

Pena Penjenayah Besar: Penyelesaian PTPTN

Penyelesaian untuk PTPTN.

Aku tak tau pasal orang lain, tapi aku sanggup kalau:

1. Pinjaman dinaikkan jumlahnya ke dua kali ganda atau RM50,000, yang mana lebih tinggi. TANPA FAEDAH.

ATAU

2. Sesiapa yang gagal membayar lebih daripada 6 bulan dikenakan denda RM1,000. Selepas setahun, RM2,000 tambahan, kalau gagal hadir ke mahkamah dan memberi alasan yang wajar.

ATAU

3. Kekalkan kadar faedah pada 6% atau 8%, mahupun 12% atau 25% tetapi jadikan kadar faedah dikenakan pada jumlah yang tinggal.

DAN/ATAU

4. Sesiapa yang membayar dengan cepat diberikan insentif, sama ada diskaun kadar faedah atau diskaun pinjaman pokok.

Kalau langkah-langkah ini tidak diambil, aku sanggup bertaruh yang PTPTN takkan dapat mengambil semula sejumlah besar pinjaman yang mereka beri atau pinjaman tidak aktif. Dan kerajaan Barisan Nasional mungkin akan kalah teruk (lagi sekali, atau lebih dahsyat) pada Pilihanraya Umum ke-13.

Hek elehhhh. Bukannya dia nak buat pun.

Mimpi je lah.

Kita orang yang bukan anak datuk ni, susah lah hidupnya.

Hah, Pembangkang! Ko nak isu untuk dimainkan untuk Pilihanraya Umum ke-13? Ko masukkan cadangan aku ni dalam manifesto korang. Terjamin 50,000 undi tambahan. At least. Pasal nanti keadaan bebudak tu semua akan pengaruhi mak bapak diorang.

"Kesian anak aku."

Mak bapak aku lain.

"Sapa suruh ko tak bayar?!"

Bedebish! Yenna!

Mak bapak lain akan menangkan anak diorang je.

Ala, Pembangkang, ko bukan kena buat pun. Ko tabur janji je lah, macam biasa. Pastu, ko salahkan la peminjam PTPTN. Pastu firma-firma guaman ko dapat duit.

Kan best kan? Ko boleh manipulate rasa marah bebudak ni dengan keluarga diorang, pastu ko tipu diorang. Kan ke best?

Tadi pun diorang asyik suruh aku undi pembangkang.

PTPTN Vs Amir Hafizi: Panduan Menghadapi Sabotaj Terhadap Kerajaan

Aku baru turun mahkamah majistret sivil tadi. Pasal apa? Pasal aku tak bayar PTPTN. AKulah penjenayah paling dikehendaki oleh Kerajaan.

Aku dah prepare:

1. Bank draft dengan 10% jumlah pinjaman aku.

2. Resit bayaran aku kepada PTPTN.

3. Apa yang perlu aku cakap di mahkamah.

Masa aku masuk, aku cuma diberi pilihan menjawab ya atau tidak SAHAJA. Lepas tu habis.

Tetapi yang lebih menarik adalah apa yang berlaku diluar mahkamah.

Sejak pagi, aku lepak dengan peguam. Kebanyakannya meminjam juga dari PTPTN. Kau tau apa nasihat diorang pada aku - nasihat peguam kedai kopi la. Yang bukan mewakili aku ataupun apa-apa.

Peguam: Ko jangan bayar.

Peguam 2: Kau undi pembangkang.

Aku tak setuju, pasal aku pinjam. Dah pinjam, kenalah bayar. Setakat ni pun, orang tak bayar aku, ada la dalam dua kali ganda jumlah pinjaman aku dengan PTPTN.

Masa aku dapat surat saman hari tu, benda pertama yang aku buat ialah call law firm yang hantar surat tu. Aku tak dibagi bercakap dengan lawyer, tapi cuma dengan legal clerk. Legal clerk tak boleh jawab soalan-soalan aku.

Dia cuma bagi aku nombor untuk unit guaman PTPTN.

Unit guaman PTPTN beritahu aku, diorang takkan terima apa-apa pelan pembayaran daripada aku. Aku offer dua kali ganda apa yang patut aku bayar setiap bulan. Diorang cakap:

"Kami akan terima apa-apa bayaran, tanpa prejudis. Tapi kami akan bawak juga kes ini ke mahkamah."

Pasal apa? Pasal diorang nak tingkatkan kadar faedah daripada 4% sampai 12%. Pastu, dia pakai taktik gertak.

Over the phone, diorang ancam nak:

1. Bankrapkan aku

- tak boleh lagi, pasal jumlah pinjaman aku tak sampai RM30,000.

2. Sita barang-barang aku

- silakan. Aku cuma ada Blackberry, tilam, kerusi, komik dan bantal. Oh ya. Laptop.

3. Blok passport aku.

- kalau aku takleh ke luar negeri, aku takleh nak buat duit. Camana nak bayar kalau kau tak kasi aku buat duit?

Ok. Tapi aku diam aje. Pasal aku memang bersalah. Aku tak bayar. Jadi, kalau diorang nak gertak aku macam beruk gertak gorilla, silakan.

Lantaklah ko nak cakap apa.

Jadi, benda pertama aku buat adalah mendapatkan nasihat guaman.

Aku gunakan contacts aku dan dapatkan antara lawyer paling hebat pernah aku jumpa.

Dia menasihatkan aku dalam bentuk kes sivil biasa. Tetapi, kes PTPTN bukan kes sivil biasa. Kes PTPTN adalah kes sivil jahanam.

Nasihat guaman yang aku dapat mendorong aku cuba menunjukkan keihklasan hati dengan membuat bank draft bernilai 10% daripada nilai pinjaman aku dengan PTPTN. Dan juga mula membayar kepada perbadanan tersebut.

Namun, niat baik tidak diambil kira, kerana pada pendapat aku, wujudnya niat kurang baik dengan cubaan menaikkan kadar faedah kepada 12% yang layaknya dikenakan oleh Ah Long dan bukannya sebuah perbadanan Kerajaan seperti PTPTN.

Namun, aku diam saja. Pasal aku masih menganggap aku sebagai orang yang salah. Kenalah ada hukumannya. Dan aku bukan dahagakan subsidi.

Pinggan tak retak, nasi tak dingin. Orang tak hendak, aku pun tak hingin.

Yang aku kesalkan, adalah jumlah dan jenis feedback yang aku perolehi daripada graduan-graduan yang meminjam daripada PTPTN.

Rata-rata, anak-anak muda Melayu, termasuk para peguam, doktor dan profesional lain bersepakat untuk memperkotak-katikkan PTPTN akibat sama ada layanan buruk yang mereka terima daripada pegawai PTPTN atau sikap mereka sendiri yang tak suka bayar hutang.

Aku akur dan sedar bahawa duit yang dipinjam harus dibayar kembali. Aku pun pemiutang yang banyak penghutangnya. Tapi, kalau aku boleh kenakan 12% faedah pun, aku takkan. Aku sanggup tukarkan 12% faedah dengan jaminan wang aku kembali ke tangan aku.

Tapi aku bukan PTPTN. Yang bagi aku nampak macam hendak menghukum sesetengah orang yang sanggup bayar, asalkan dapat mencekik darah balik duit dia.

Dahlah 12%, dia nak caj balik BUKAN dari tarikh keputusan mahkamah, tetapi 12% sejak beberapa tahun lepas.

Tapi aku ok lagi. Aku dah salah, salahlah. Jangan bimbang. Kalau kau naikkan 1.2juta% kadar faedah pun, aku bayar setakat aku mampu je. Ambik le. Kalau aku mampu dua juta sebulan, aku bagi je dua juta sebulan. Kalau aku mampu RM50 sebulan, aku bayar RM50 je sebulan.

Tapi, kalau majoriti peminjam taknak bayar balik, cuba kaji balik kenapa taknak bayar? Kitorang bukannya nak duit free. Bukannya nak pinjaman tu dihapuskan. AKu taknak jadi peminjam MARA yang lari, tak bayar balik.

Aku dan aku rasa ramai lagi peminjam PTPTN, taknak menganiaya orang lain. Tapi kalau PTPTN menganiaya orang?

Kalau majoriti orang baya aku yang takde guruh, takde angin, pastu undi pembangkang - walaupun pembangkang bukannya nak buat betul pun, PTPTN ni - lu pikirlah sendiri beb.

Dalam kes aku? Aku bayar le. Aku dah salah, dan aku mengaku salah. Walaupun faedah saja (yang akan dikenakan atas pinjaman pokok, bukannya baki pinjaman) akan naik sampai berapa ribu peratus lepas aku habis bayar nanti, masa umur aku 120 tahun.

Pengajaran:

1. Jangan biarkan apa-apa hal kau dikuasai oleh pekerja kerajaan.

2. Kalau boleh, tinggalkan Malaysia dan berhijrah sebelum PTPTN boleh senaraihitamkan kau.

3. Run with RPK.

Yang membawa aku ke pilihan penyelesaian ini untuk mana-mana individu yang mungkin menghadapi masalah sama:

1. Run with RPK

- pergi Ostolia. Pasal Ostolia takde undang-udang persetujuan ekstradisi dengan malaysia.

2. Takyah bayar

- kalau kau yang jenis tak kisah bankrap, macam RPK (tapi masih ada rumah kat serata dunia), maka takyah lah bayar. Biar dia tarik semua barang kau.

3. Buat macam aku

- bayar je. Pedulittaik aku?

Cuma, aku akan menyelidik apakah laluan perundangan yang boleh aku ambil terhadap firma guaman yang mewakili PTPTN dalam kesnya terhadap aku, pasal ada beberapa isu dalam surat saman yang dikeluarkan, yang aku fikir wajar aku persoalkan.

Lagipun, aku nak bercakap kat mahkamah, tapi dia tak kasi. Hehehe.

Kuantan Legal: We Are the Champions

Weeeee are the champions!

Weeeee are the champions!

I can't wait to get to court again.

I am not satisfied with just saying yep and yep.

I want my day in court and I will have it, by hook or by crook.

And I am willing to go all the way. Cause I'm not RPK.

Soon, I will devise a plan for any person, any Malaysian who are in the same or will go under the same predicament.

Now, I just want to bask in the glory of having gone to court.

And fought the Government. And survived. Barely.

Some lawyers will be expecting a few letters soon. Hopefully from the Bar Council.

Kuantan Legal: Zen-Mastery

I am going on a communications blackout until after the court thing.

Am going to find an air-conditioned place and empty my mind except for the script I have prepared.

I got my script - at least points to say - and several other documents.

It's actually not necessary, but it's good to be prepared.

And now, focus.

See you after the gap!

And wish me luck.

Joget Pahang

Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.

Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.

Dari Kelumpo, pergi Kuantan;
Singgah di Karak beliiiii berangan
Naik mahkamah kenalah saman
Mujurlah hati lapang dan aman

Naik mahkamah kenalah saman
Mujurlah hati lapang dan aman


Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.


Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.


Darilah pagi, menunjuk muka
Aku duk lepak dengan si lawyer
Lawyer cakap takde apa-apa
Kalau niat baik, memang tertera


Lawyer cakap takde apa-apa
Kalau niat baik, memang tertera


Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.


Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.

Aku tengah lapangkan dada
Takde masalah bersarang di minda
Kepala aku kena relaks-relaks saja
Kalau aku amuk, masuk penjara.

Kepala aku kena relaks-relaks saja
Kalau aku amuk, masuk penjara.


Melenggang hai melenggang hai tari lenggang.

Kalau baik hati, nanti orang pun sayang.

Setan Kuning

Seeeetan kuuuniiiing
Setan kuning
Berlayar malam
Berlayar malam

Seeeeetan
Kuuuuniiiiing
Setan Kuning
Semutar hitam!
Semutar hitam!

Setan Kuning: Pedulittaik aku? Asalkan ada Uang dan perempuan!

Intermission

You know, one of these days, I am going to write my memoirs.

My life story.

Not because I think I am important or that it would be terribly interesting, but simply because I think it will, at times, keep me amused.

Ah well. Am going to go see if I can treat some lawyers to lunch. They have been terribly helpful in helping me find my way around.

Cheers!

Kuantan Legal: Law and Order

The Malaysian law stuff is divided into the men and women who capture criminals and the justice system that tries them.

Theme song:

Do-dowh!

Nenenet-niuuuu.

Do dowh!

Nenenet-niuuuu.

Teet-teeet-teet- tet-tetiuuuu.


Do-dowh!

Nenenet-niuuuu.

Do dowh!

Nenenet-niuuuu.

Teet-teeet-teet- tet-tetiuuuu.

So, been talking to some lawyers.

Me: So, let me reconfirm. There is no, 'Objection, your honour!' And no 'order! Order!' In Malaysian courts?

Lawyer1: No.

Me: So, I can't pull off stunts like 'I killed that man because I was in the fervour or religious belief thingy?'

Lawyer2: Not unless you want to spend some time in jail for insulting the court.

Me: So I can't like, counter-sue the Government?

Lawyer1: You can try. Don't think you have a huge chance. Why do you want to sue the Government?

Me: I don't. Just wondering if I could.

Lawyer2: It's Malaysia.

Me: I know. I understand.

...

Me: So, how are forensic practices in Malaysia?

Lawyer2: Whooooo are you? Who-who! Who-who!

Lawyer1: I'll not get fooled again! Yawww! No-noooo!

Me: Out heeeerrre in the field! I work for my meals!

...

Me: So...no?

Lawyer1: Am not saying anything.

Me: I realllly wanna know!

Lawyer2: Who-who! Who-who!

Lawyer1: Walkiiing doooown...the roaaaad...blablabla.

Me: What the fuck? Vonda Shepard? Man, you're gay.

Ah, I'm guessing this article will not mean anything to anyone who doesn't watch TV semi-religiously.

Kuantan Legal: The Practice

Theme Song:

Deredeh-dududududuniuuuuu

Jiu-nik!

Ngeeeeneeeeneeeeeneeeenek!

Ngeeeeneeeeneeeeeneeeenek!

Geredeh!

Chichichiochiochiochio.

Ngeeeeneeeeneeeeeneeeenek!

So I had some breakfast with some lawyers, and they gave me some interesting insights to the world of law and order. And their practice.

Apparently, magistrate courts handle cases of RM25K and below.

Sessions court for 25K and above.

High Court for high amounts and then it's off to Federal Court, I think. And then Appeals Court. Or is it the other way around?

Anyway, I find going to court as a refreshing experience.

Hopefully, not a bad one.

So, I have my things in order.

Now I need to get myself in order.

I walked to a cafe with not many legal types.

Now begins a few hours of meditation and visualisation.

As a novice, I need to be cool, calm and collected, and resist the urge to run with RPK.

Kuantan Legal

Theme Song:

Whoop-dod. Net ne-neurrr!

Whoop-dod! Net ne-neurrr!

Ne-neurrrr-ne-neu-nettt...

Neu-net whoop-dod. OUTLAW!

My trial is at 2pm, but to understand the environment, I went at around 9.30am.

I have always found it slightly easier to do anything once I understand the terrain.

And thankfully so, as I found out that the location for my trial is not at the court complex in Kuantan which houses the magistrate, sessions and high court.

Mine is around 5 minutes away, on foot, at the civil magistrate court. Just beside Klinik Hamdan.

If I had arrived at 1pm, I would have been unprepared and could have been late.

The court is designed to be imposing and intimidating to novices. And it is quite confusing and unhelpful since there are no reception areas or visible information counters.

Fortunately, even though I find the layout unhelpful, the people were quite friendly and eager to assist.

I was redirected to this magistrate court and am now having coffee with some lawyers at a cafe outside.

I have several hours to kill. All according to plan.

As I need to get myself in the right frame of mind.

I also brought with me a short story anthology to help pass the time.

More updates later.

Melempang Hantu di Kala Senja

Keluarga aku jenis tak takut hantu. Tak takut sangat la.

Aku yang tak percaya hantu.

Kalau ikut Sains, atau Islam, hantu ni mana wujud.

Ikut Islam, kalau dah mati, roh kita masuk alam barzakh. Yang gila nak lepak sambil mengorat bohsia tak cukur ketiak tu buat apa? Ko ingat Mungkar dan Nangkir nak kasi ko lepas? Gila ke apa?

Konek pun transparent. Camana nak stim? Kalau dah mati?

Apa-apa hal pun, keturunan aku memang tak takut/tak percaya hantu.

So cerita hantu warisan keluarga kitorang biasanya camtulah.

Ko mungkin pernah dengar atau baca aku tulis menatang ni.

Datuk angkat aku, Dollah bin Said, tengah kayuh basikal kat kebun limau.

Dia letak torch light ikat dengan getah kat depan basikal. Biasalah. Zaman sebelum steampunk, mana ada dynamo.

Jadi keluar la seekor hantu, kacau dia. Hogoh(agah-agah) ke kiri dan ke kanan.

"Eh, jangan la. Jangan main la. Jangan la."

Hantu tu main-main gak. Dia menumpang kat belakang la. Dia melompat duduk atas roda la.

Hantu biasa je. Rambut panjang, baju putih.

Dah tak tahan, Dollah bin Said - yang of course lebih relevan pada aku daripada Salleh bin Joned - berhenti mengayuh, tongkat basikal, pergi ke depan lepas tu lempang hantu tu.

PANG!

Buweeeekkk!

Hantu tu muntah hijau. Mungkin dia vegetarian.

Lepas tu hilang.

Kampung aku, memang spooky. Tempat ni dulu, ramai komunis mati.

Dulu, ada komunis kebal macam Manap Jepun.

Manap Jepun ni kebal. Satu hari, dia tak sihat, jadi dia bagi tangkal dia kat orang lain.

Mati kena tembak dengan Gurkha.

Apakela bangangnya. Dah kebal, pastu bagi azimat kebal kat orang lain. Cam Heroes la.

Kalau aku kebal, aku dah amuk satu Malaysia dah.

Lepas tu aku pun, lempang hantu di kala senja.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Cerita Hantu

Kampung aku ni, sesuai dijadikan lokasi cerita hantu.

Memang horror nak mampus.

Malam-malam, pukul 9pm dah gelap dah.

Memang slasher flick habis.

Malam-malam, ko turun ke tanah, aku rasa ada kot jumpa dua-tiga hantu.

Hantu galah yang berdiri kat jalan, supaya kereta lalu kat celah kangkang. Juga dikenali sebagai hantu flasher.

Hantu yang bapak aku jumpa, pakai kain batik dan laju, takde bunyi.

Hantu rambut panjang yang muntah hijau pasal kena lempang dengan datuk angkat aku.

Hantu dinosaur yang bapak aku jumpa jugak.

Hantu meraung kat atas pokok pinang, kat luar rumah aku.

Hantu yang berbunyi macam sekawan lembu atau gajah tengah lalu.

Aku pulak, tak pernah jumpa hantu. Bapak aku cakap, hantu tak kacau orang yang tak takutkan hantu.

Macamana aku nak takut? Aku percayakan Sains, bukannya tok bomoh main caj RM400 nak buang hantu.

Kalau aku nak jumpa hantu pun, aku nak jumpa bunian. Pasal diorang cakap, Puteri Bunian tu seksi. Lawa. Aku nak jugak, tanya dia, barfine berapa?

Pasak Bumi

Aku kena cari jalan jugaklah.

Ahli politik yang akhirnya asyik kaut duit rasuah je kerjanya agaknya sampai ke tahap ini jugak dulu.

Aku boleh start dengan food bank.

Pastu baru start projek-projek tu.

Semua kena perancangan teliti.

Dan aku tak boleh biarkan orang yang hasad dan dengki menghalang apa-apa rancangan aku.

Kalau tak, diorang menang dan apa saja niat untuk menolong orang miskin akan terbengkalai begitu saja.

Kalau ikutkan orang dengki, diorang nak orang miskin sentiasa miskin. Supaya boleh rasa best pasal diri sendiri.

Lokasi Lain

Aku rasa macam susah je nak buat kat kampung aku ni.

Aku mungkin kena cari tempat lain. Berlambak-lambak orang tak cukup makan merata-rata.

Kampung aku ni susah sikit, pasal banyak sangat politik. Dan mak bapak aku duduk kat sini. Nanti salah bagi, ada la rumah kena bakar kang.

Orang kampung aku bukannya orang lemah lembut.

Aku mungkin kena pergi tempat lain lah.

Nantilah, aku tanya ketua kampung.
Puaslah aku duk memikir macamana nak bagi orang kampung ni duit lebih sikit.

Kelebihan orang kampung cuma ada tanah. Jadi, apa-apa aktivit ekonomi yang dibantu dengan sedikit duit dari penderma budiman, harus mengambilkira kelebihan yang sedia ada.

Kelemahan? Bodoh. Malas. Dengki.

Sesiapa yang ingin membantu orang kampung yang miskin perlu sedar yang kebarangkalian untuk projek dijahanamkan dek sifat dengki agak tinggi.

Malah, kebarangkalian untuk projek berjaya agak tipis.

Oleh itu, jenis projek yang ingin dibuat perlu murah, fleksibel dan tiada harapan kadar kejayaan tinggi.

Bukannya senang. Ahli politik yang pentingkan diri sendiri memang takkan mampu nak fikir sampai tahap ni pun.

Diorang main buat projek, pastu lepaskan je.

Projek ni semua kena jaga.

Aku akan amat berbesar hati kalau ahli politik pergi uruskan semua benda ni, tapi diorang sibuk jilat jubur taik Anwar je. Sibuk ampu kerajaan je.

Orang putih suka cakap: teach a man how to fish and he would eat forever.

Tipu je tu. Kalau pemalas? Kalau bodoh?

Nak buat macamana?

Aku diberitahu oleh hampir semua orang: tak payah tolong orang kampung ni semua.

Pastu diorang suruh aku ambik duit orang KL, bagi kat diorang.

Banyak cantik muka? Diorang tu cukup makan pakai. Yang si tolol dan si bahlul ni la yang susah nak makan.

Nak bagi makanan je, memang senang.

Aku rasa, ramai yang sanggup kutip derma.

Sekali, boleh lah. Dua kali pun ok. Dah masuk lima-enam kali setahun, mampus la orang lain pulak nak tanggung diorang beranak macam arnab.

Kutip derma, duit, makanan dan pakaian memang perlu. Untuk tahap permulaan. Untuk jangka panjang, kena fikirkan sistem yang lagi bagus.

Culture of Pain

We live today in a world where pain is a currency.

"Don't fuck with me, I have a headache."

"I have endured more pain than you."

And? So?

"So I am better than you."

That's still ego, man.

People who have gone through pain feel and think they are entitled.

Yeah. Entitled to more pain. More suffering.

I don't buy it. I do not believe that being in pain or having gone through pain makes anyone better.

So say a rapist stabs himself in the leg. Again and again. Does that make him a better person?

Would experiencing pain absolve any of your sins? Would it make you a better person? Will it enable you to make better choices?

Pain is another source of information. It's not how much information you have. It's how you use it.

I still don't buy that in order for anyone to be fucking fantastic, you need pain.

If it was up to me, I don't want to experience any pain at all.

I already know that, 'Fire, baaaaddd!' And that jumping off a tall building with no means of support could be painful. So no, man. I'm not doing any of those.

But to subject myself voluntarily to pain for no other reason than inflating egos and trying to be better than anyone else?

Bullshit.
There are some problems. Obstacles.

The projects I wanted to do, some had already been done. And they all failed miserably.

Why?

Because the people didn't want to do it. Some people, there are reasons why they are poor.

However, all this is expected and I have been shopping around for a solution for years.

One, suggested recently, is to utilise manpower. There are people who come here for homestay - students mostly.

They can either be paid to plant the trees we are considering, or that could be part of their thing.

The best solution is, of course, to make me a multi-millionaire.

Release me from these financial bonds.

Unleash the beast!

But...that's not gonna happen.

So the only way is the hard way. Or a roundabout way.

There is almost nothing I can dangle to convince the people to do what I've planned.

Some of them are vicious. Some are downright dang nasty evil.

The rest are just plain unlucky or stupid.

No matter what, though, humans need to have enough food and clothing and shelter.

My plan will take at least a year.

Planting some of the trees - fruits and spice - will prepare the poor folk for some businesses I might be able to unlock.

Cause aside from land, these people have nothing.

After one year, there is a possibility of generating RM500 per household in additional income. From sales of fruit and spice.

If I had my way, my village will be the new spice mines of Kessel!

And he who controls the spice, controls the future.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Independent Research

I have been trying to gather information regarding the village people. Unfortunately, my sources do not agree with each other.

Some are politically-motivated. Others are trapped in happenings years gone. And yet more want to prove that the folks living in rural areas are living posh lifestyles. They are not that poor.

I cannot rely on these sources. I need to go and see for myself. Before I commit anyone's money or time to alleviate the sufferings of some people, I need to ascertain that their suffering is real.

I know for a fact that one neighbour makes less than RM400 a month and he takes care of 6 kids. Often not having enough for food.

I have identified several projects for self-sustaining shit, but the problem is to get these people to do it in the first place. Even at no cost to themselves, they might not do it. Why? Because:

1. They are stupid.

- you don't get poor for no reason.

2. Laziness

- ditto.

3. Spite/Envy

- Malaysians are cynical. Sometimes about WRONG things. I JUDGE thee! They would believe in space gods and the omnipotent powers of bomohs, but would be suspicious of any act done to help them.

- Even at the onset, these projects run the risk of not getting the support of the people it was supposed to help.

These things happen, see? But I am going to help them, whether they like it or not. I'll drag them kicking and screaming to the 21st Century. Like Jack the Ripper did for the people of the 20th Century.

So, more independent research has to be done. I need more data.

The Priestess

Am watching Oprah.

Somebody asked me some months ago, why Americans would cry at getting a new house. Or a new 42 inch flat screen TV.

He wanted to poke fun at charity, because he looks down on stuff like that. He's got a filthy rich Caucasian spouse, you see?

"Why are Americans prone to crying on TV?" He asked derisively.

So I said,"Because they're not fake."

Bada-bing!

I don't really mean that. Americans are just as fake or as real as Malaysians. Because they're people.

But to simply diss people who are genuinely touched by getting a goddamn fucking house?

Dude, I'm a cynical bastard, but somebody gives me a free home, I'd break down and fucking cry, man. With or without TV cameras.

Especially if it's The Binjai or OneKL or Troika.

This world is not that nice. So when something nice happens, you need to appreciate it. Not necessarily with tears. But have a reaction or something. Be human, and revel in it.

For a change.

Freedom! Truth! Beauty! Love! Bullshit!

Man oh man.

What a lot of food. Glorious, glorious food.

My parents lived through the Second World War and the Malaysian Emergency.

Their family - ours - were terrorised and killed by Japanese forces and Communists.

And for the most part, they did not always have enough to eat.

So it was a big thing to be able to pile the dining table high with food.

Food is a major source of drama and struggle in the family.

The most important question of the day, any day, is usually 'what are we having for lunch/dinner/breakfast/second breakfast/ mid-afternoon tea/supper?'

There is so much food that I am embarrassed whenever I see some of the neighbours. Who don't have enough, sometimes, to eat. And for whom dietary options in World War II and the 21st Century are more or less the same.

My recent suggestions and discussions to help the folks have had at least some good effect. Some members of the household bought them rice and tomorrow, perhaps fish.

Which is well and good. As a start.

However, what I have in mind would be a more lasting, self-sustaining system.

I've thought of a few things and would soon compile a list of who and what I need.

As usual, there would be some obstacles.

Chiefly, three things:

1. Stupidity
2. Laziness
3. Spite

But that, is human nature. And I can't really do anything to change any of that.

I wonder, sometimes, if it would have been easier to just lie down and masturbate all day. And pretend that I am a good person and then breed, breed, breed.

No. That's not me.

I am the devil. And I have come home to roost.

Give me my due. Give me a clue.
Give me my fiddlers two.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Projek Kampung

Aku dok berborak dengan bapak aku pasal macamana nak bagi orang kampung buat duit lebih.

Masalah? Macam biasa. Takleh nak pikir sendiri. Perasan hasad dengki. Bodoh. Pemalas. Suka enjoy. Pentingkan pandangan orang lain.

Orang yang dah senang pulak kira nak pergunakan yang susah untuk dapat lagi banyak untung. Atau bila aku beritau pasal orang KL MUNGKIN nak tolong, dah ketor kepala. Nakkan duit bantuan. Duit untuk orang miskin. Tak tau malu ke?

Benda paling senang orang kampung boleh buat:

Tanam pokok betik.

Letak dekat air limbah. Bukan dalam air tu. Atas tebing sikit.

Semai dalam beg plastik, taruk baja memula, pastu tanam dekat air limbah.

Jangan tanam rapat. Ada la dalam 6 kaki jarak antara pokok ke pokok.

Betik ni, tiap-tiap pelepah ada buah. Lepas setahun, dia berbuah.

Betik ni, ada pokok betik jantan, betik betina. Pokok betik jantan, tak berbuah.

Musuh penanam betik ni burung je. Tapi burung cuma makan yang dah lembik. Yang dah kuning betul.

Jadi, bila dia kuning sikit, ambik le. Kerat dengan tangkai sikit. Letak dalam rumah. Tunggu sampai dia kuning - sehari dua je.

Aku pikir, betik ni boleh jual kat hotel. Sama dengan buah-buah lain. Takpun, kat restoran.

Senang nak tanam, buahnya banyak.

Masalah paling besar:

1. Bodoh
2. Malas

Ya Tuhan, bagilah aku jadi melene. Jadi jutawan. Millionaire.

Aku balik kampung je. Aku jadi peraih.

Aku pasarkan ke bandar, nasi lemak, betik, blablabla.

Bukan nak dapat nama atau nak orang sanjung, pasal sesapa yang tolong diorang ni, biasanya kena tikam kat belakang je.

Aku pun pernah kena. Bapak aku pun.

Tapi, kalau genius macam aku tak buat apa-apa, apalah kebarangkalian si bodoh dan si malas ni nak buat kerja?

Malam Ini Tuntong Tak Menangis Doh

"Tuntong dah pupus dah, Amir."

"Hah?"

Tuntong, spesis macam penyu, duduk kat air tawar, dah takde dah kat Kuantan. Ikut cakap bapak aku la.

Orang Melayu sini dulu suka makan telur tuntong. Orang asli pulak suka makan ibu tuntong.

Pastu orang Cina pulak suka ambik pasir tempat menatang tu bertelur.

Dengan menggunakan semangat muhibbah masyarakat majmuk Malaysia, habih dah tuntong kat Kuantan ni.

Dulu, telur dia harga RM1 sebiji. Sampai RM3 sebiji atau lebih mahal.

Seorang beli sampai beratus biji.

Letak dalam air garam.

Gila. Kesian menatang tuh.

Dulu, ada la penoreh getah yang tinggalkan pisau getah, demi mencari telur tuntong.

Hambik ko. Dah takde dah pun. Sapa suruh tamak sangat?

Real Homestay

Maybe a real homestay? You know, for people who want to know how these people live.

Food and lodging provided by the poor.

It would be rough, disgusting, and the women must all be accompanied by someone.

Rape might be a problem.

Activities in Kuantan:

- a visit to the shooting range.

- the beaches.

- barbecues.

- buying seafood

Village People

Some people asked me, years ago, where they could find real kampung experience.

I asked them, "What the fuck for?"

They might think it's rustic, even bucolic. But it's not.

It's full of bullshit. Figuratively and literally.

It's dirty and dusty and aside from a few places, don't have much food.

One of my neighbours don't have enough to feed their kids. But pretend as if they do.

Some help came, but it's not a long-term solution.

I can't wait to get my shit in order and start doing my superhero thing.

The Red Windmill

Freedom? Truth? Beauty? Love?

You embody none of it.

I am a believer of freedom and the truth is one of my many tools.

In fact, I am the sittar that can tell no lies.

The fool. The trickster. Who, in a twist, only uses the truth?

I shall make it work.

Mulan Rouge

A Disney animation about a Chinese Warrior-princess who finds herself at a huge bordello, trying to do a musical by selling her body.

All goes well, until she falls in love. With a dragon.

It's Coming

It is.

It's coming!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Api Syurga Meragut Lalang

"Mak, mak tau apa orang panggil Anwar kat KL?"

"Apa dia?"

"YB BABI dan Anwar Al-Juburi Wal-Liwati."

Hahaha.

House of M: The TM Bullet

According to TV3's Buletin Utama today, 50.9% of Telekom Malaysia's earnings come from their Internet, data and broadband business.

It will only get bigger. As Internet, data and broadband chalk up even bigger profit for TM this year and the next few.

The explosion continues.

We shall see how this unfolds. Please, please don't screw up HSBB.

We might want to wait a couple more years and have proper services than push them to come up with something shitty in just a few months.

Touchdown!

At 1830 or 6.30pm. It all took 3 hours. The bus must have gone over the speed limit.

I was out the whole way.

Now begins a few days of mental preparation as my family here would attempt to grill me for more information.

I have made a stand not to talk about anything until after the hearing.

Journeyman

I bought the 3.30pm ticket. Which means that in 15 minutes, I am going to wait at the terminal.

I will go into a communications blackout soon.

I have a fresh bottle of benadryl, and it will knock me out for around four to five hours.

There are so many fucking Malays here. It's like that first time I went to Pertama Kompleks last year.

Cor! Blimey! See these natives in their natural habitats?

Look at that one. Wot a beaut!

I hardly hang out with Malays in KL. Most of the places I go to are filled with pretend-Malays and fake liberals.

Who says Kelantan is the Malay heartland? The whole fucking country is a Malay heartland.

That's why, I guess, it's called MALAYsia.

Somebody suggested to me that we should have a lot of separate school systems, with the best of them catering the rich.

"I'm sure the RAKYAT will send their children to the best, most expensive elite schools."

Easy for him to say. He doesn't have any school-going children. And he's bloody rich!

Any school system in MALAYsia has to take into account the Pekeliling-dwelling, bus-riding fucked up Malays.

Why? Cause they're the fucking majority, that's why.

Holy Shit, I'm up to my armpits in Malays!

Where the fuck did these people come from?

Ooh yeah.

Wanna suck my dick?

Wanna suck my dick?

Discovery Travel and Fucking

Oh my God! And, Oh my Science!

Where the fuck did these Malays come from?

The place is teeming with Malays!

Oh, there goes a token Chinese dudette.

You know what, these Malay chicks, with some makeover, can pass off as Thais.

Get rid of that dress. Wear tigh-fitting clothes. Short skirt. Clear heels. And start eating MOAR lemongrass and lime leaves.

But my God, the attitude! Very few smile, and those who do seem to have an itch on their clitorises. Gatal biji kelentit.

They need to understand that in order to get Farang dollars, the promise or suggestion of sex is worth more than the sex itself.

I mean, sex is cheap. Airfare, hotel rooms, food and transportation are not.

So these Malay women need to buck up and start enticing Farangs. Now, more than ever.

SALAH!

Rupa-rupanya, PLUSLiner hidup lagi.

Maraliner kompeni lain.

Takpelah. Tiket dah beli. Aku try je lah Maraliner ni camana.

Kisah Pengembaraan Boron

Aku dapat maklumat salah.

Aku nak naik bas ke Kuantan. Biasanya, aku pergi Puduraya.

Tapi, ramai orang bagitau yang Puduraya nak pindah. Bas ke Pantai Timur pulak semua ambik dekat Hentian Putra.

Aku tanya Cheepork (orang Besut) dia cakap benda sama.

Aku pun pergilah ke Hentian Putra.

Pukimak betul! Mana ada bas ke Kuantan! Pagi-pagi buta adalah.

Aku terus call Cheepork, maki dia.

Aku: Bad intelligence! Bad intelligence!

Cheepork: Manala aku tau! Aku orang Besut! Besutttt!

Aku pun bergegas dengan teksi gas. Aku pergi Pekeliling. Pasal nak naik PLUSLiner.

Kalau nak ke Kuantan, biasanya bas PLUSLiner lagi selesa daripada Transnasional. Selesa sikit je.

Aku cari, cari TAKDE!

Rupa-rupanya, dah tukar jadi MARALiner.

Takpelah. Beli je lah tiket.

Punya la ramai Melayu kat area ni.

Aku pun jadi friendly nak mampus. Biasa lah. Masuk kandang kambing, mengembek.

Aku: Embek!

Makcik Jual Tiket: kikkikkikkikkik.

Aku dah beli tiket dan sambil menunggu bas, aku pergi makan makanan tradisional penumpang bas - nasi ayam habuk jalan.

Tak kira la Puduraya ke, Pekeliling ke, Terminal Bas Seremban atau Kuantan, Nasi Ayam Habuk Jalan sentiasa rasa sama je.

Pasni nak cari rokok aku, nak beli 10 kotak, pastu cari ubat batuk nak kasi aku tidur dalam bas. Kepala otak aku ligat ni. Nanti tak boleh tidur.

Notes on the Run

Dear readers,

This might be the last post I am going to write for you.

Before I go back home.

Don't worry. I'm not RPK. In more ways than one.

Some of you wrote, worriedly, via e-mails and SMSes and whatever else, about my court case. Apparently, the words 'court' and 'case' contain such chilling connotations.

Well, it is serious business. It's the law. Which explains Karpal Singh not wishing anyone to play with him.

Anyway, nothing to worry about. It is not a felony case. I did not commit a crime that would get me to end up in jail. In fact, it is quite embarassing, if I haven't humiliated myself beyond embarrassment several years ago.

So I will be sharing the story as soon as I get it more or less done, and that a resolution is clearer at hand.

Everything is good. Including work.

I am finishing up the final polish for one film - a children's tale for all ages, hopefully - by this week. And I believe that I shall e-mail the remaining two pages to be done from Kuantan. Along with any other ideas I might have for the story, to the director.

Some people believe that writing stories as glamorous, sexy and ultimately very clever.

I do not think so. I mean, you HAVE to be clever, but not more than how a heart surgeon would have to be clever about his work, or a lawyer. Or an architect.

I do not believe in being glamorous. SOme of my closest and dearest friends live in the limelight of multiple worlds. SOme are downright celebrities.

I admire their talent, and their courage, but I have no wish to live their lives.

I decided long ago, never to get into a business where my image and the public perception of my personality would be paramount to my success. Public perception and image of my work? Sure. Of course. But of ME? I do not think I am that brave.

So I have turned down any offers to perform in front of the camera, with one or two very bad and very rare exceptions. I do not want to, but wish to retain the right to commit felonies without making it to the front pages of newspapers - print or online. I mean, I do not want to, but it is good to know that what I wear to what and who I'm sticking my penis into is of no interest to the majority of the people.

I want to be a page 12 person. Meaning, if I were to commit any heinous crimes, or accused of it, I would be on page 12, three paras and just one small column.

I started out my career - and I am fortunate enough to have a career instead of a job - trying to convince publishers that they want to pay me USD600,000 as an advance for my novel.

I was 19 years old. I failed miserably, of course.

So I wrote articles for newspapers. And then magazines. And then television, and subsequently film.

Along the way, I did write a book, but it is not my story. Not completely. And there was a biography I wrote somewhere, which one day may still be published, with some re-writings and corrections and updates.

I got to where I am - and it is not that far - by taking on things other people would not.

I covered performing arts for four years, not because I wanted to write or direct stage plays. Far from it, I have always believed that the economics of it was quite ridiculous.

I simply believed that in a world where a lot of people wanted attention, I can slink back and take on the role of the observer. Uatu. The Watcher. Filling a need.

I did write a 10 minute play, as a joke. It was a deconstruction of the whole genre, and would cost mere pittance, and would not need any sort of talent to perform. Not many found it funny.

Nowadays, I am engrossed in making other people's films. I believe it is indeed good training. I worked or am working with seven different directors, each with his own style.

My goal would be to take the best traits and practices from each and one day make my own movie.

My film, my story, the one I will eventually do before I retire or die, I do not think a lot of people would want to watch it. But that would not be my concern, while doing it, and that would be the point. A masturbating semi-biographical piece. Not auto-biographical, mind you.

When I get more funds, or when more are made available to me, I aim to publish my own comics.

Comics have always been my first love and I have restrained myself from doing anything other than something that would be completely mine. Story-wise, that is.

I have contacted some artistes and as soon as their schedule clears up and as soon as I can get more money, I am going to pay them to draw for me. Vanity projects.

But all of this are in the future. The past is the past, and it is the present that needs to be lived right now. And for that, sleep.

See you after the gap.

Imbasan Politik Setengah Tahun

Aku dah bosan.

Apa lagi aku nak tulis?

Aku dah luahkan ke-pseudo-intellectual-an aku. Hapah takde sapa baca, lagikan nak paham.

Banyak benda boleh tulis, tapi takde satu pun yang betul-betul menarik minat aku. Tunggu kes aku kat mahkamah la kot.

Nak tulis pasal RPK, rasa cam dah bosan dah.

Anwar Ibrahim? Sapa lagi nak percaya mamat tu? Kes dia DITUDUH sontot orang, bulan Julai la pulak. Bosan nak mampus la.

Karpal Singh belum kena tembak lagi. Dan takde sapa nak main dengan dia dah. Relax la, Professor X. Jangan la serius sangat.

Nik Aziz senyap gak.

Perak memang dah bosan.

Gambar lucah Eli Wong punya la tak stim.

Oklah. Aku balik kampung la camni. Korang semua tak best lah. Bye!

Jejak Kelana

Aku dah makin tinggal seorang.

Member-member aku yang anti-politik, anti-agama, anti-hadis, anti-TV, anti-apa-saja-yang-boleh-di-anti ramai dah berambus.

Yang tinggal kat Malaysia ni, cuma yang suka jerit-jerit. Macam beruk. Siamang gagap.

Semua benda nak main jerit-jerit.

Member aku, antara yang tinggal, call aku tadi. Dia cerita dia gaduh dengan member-member dia.

Member aku ni Cina. Dia gaduh dengan mamat PR yang tak paham kenapa dia tak sokong PR. Suka ati la! Pastu, yang lagi best, dia gaduh dengan Melayu yang bagi maklumat salah pasal Islam.

Ko bayangkan, aaa?

Mamat Melayu Islam tu cakap, ada dua jenis Hadis: satu untuk lelaki, satu untuk perempuan.

Aishah buat hadis untuk perempuan. Yang lelaki macam Abu Hurairah R.A. etc buat hadis untuk lelaki.

Pastu, perempuan tak boleh pergi masjid. Kena baca Koran kat rumah.

Aku yang sesat ni pun garu kepala.

Yahudi mabuk mana yang ajar dia camtu?

Aku paling pantang kalau benda-benda basic yang dah belajar kat sekolah selama 11 tahun, orang tak ingat.

Kalau benda camtu yang kononnya penting untuk 'the Islams' ni boleh main bantai suka hati je, apatah lagi 2+1 = 3? Kang dia buat 2+1 = 4 kang, tak ke naya?

Tapi, mungkin jugak itu pemahaman dia. Mungkin dia Taliban. Manalah aku tau.

Member-member non-Muslim aku biasa datang kat aku pasal benda-benda bodoh yang orang Islam kasitau diorang.

Ko tanya aku buat apa? Aku pun jahanam la wei!

Adake perempuan, haram masuk masjid? Gila ke apa? Dah, mak aku yang berjuta kali rajin ke masjid dari aku tu apa?

Pastu, bebaru ni, diorang tanya aku pasal Nik Aziz.

Aku tak tau la betul ke tidak. Tapi, kononnya, masa siaran berita pukul 8 atau pukul 9, Nik Aziz ada cakap yang Kelantan adalah 'tempat turun wahyu'.

Aku tak tau apa nak jawab. Entah betul, entah tidak.

Ni la akibatnya bodoh piang. Agama sendiri tak reti nak jaga. Orang lain pakat gelakkan ko, marah. Keluar bom la, parang la.

Betul-betul serupa beruk la. Pastu dah jahanam, nak suruh aku yang suspek ahli neraka ni nak betulkan imej yang kena cemar? Takde kerja aku!

Bukannya takde mamat Islams yang ok.

Aritu, sebelum aku masuk rumah urut, ada la sorang hamba Allah ni datang mintak derma anak yatim. Aku musykil, jadi aku lepak dengan dia kejap.

Rupa-rupanya, mamat-mamat seIslam dengan dia ada bukak rumah anak yatim. Dengan halfway house untuk bebudak perempuan ngandung anak haram. Diorang specialise kes-kes berat je. Kena rogol bapak, mamat isap dadah, blablabla.

Haa, kan ke bagus, kalau semua masjid buat camni? Ini, aku pergi je masjid (tunjuk muka je. Bukannya aku sembahyang sangat pun), cakap pasal politik, pastu mengkafirkan orang.

Oooh, kapir kanan, kapir kiri. Pukimak mak bapak ko la. Sapa lantik ko jadi Tuhan nak mengkapirkan orang?

Banyak cantik muka? Macam cenekoh la! Ko tau cenekah tu apa? Beruk. Beruk, tau, beruk? Ni beruk bulu itam, muka bulu putih. Macam pakai mekap bersanding. Kulit hitam, muka putih. Tu cenekoh la tu.

Ramai bebudak muda sekarang yang belakangkan agama diorang. Termasuk Islam. Ko tau pasal apa? Pasal sikap beruk-beruk ni la. Nak buat cemana? Live together, die alone, kata Lost.

Kubur lain-lain. Lepas tu apa jadi, aku tak tau la. Aku bukan spiritual sangat pun. New Age pop philosophy boleh la. Aku percaya pada Tuhan. Dan aku percaya pada sains. Dan aku ikut kata-kata pelacur Siam yang aku lepak dengan.

"Kalau ada syurga neraka, Tuhan yang tentukan. Jadi itu bukan hal kita. Hal kita adalah hidup sebaik mungkin."

Bagi aku, kata-kata pelacur Siam tu jauh lebih bermakna daripada mana-mana 'pakar Islam' yang insecure dan righteous nak mampus. Nak letak pesakit AIDS kat pulau la. Nak tangkap orang khalwat pasal nak tengok tetek la. Tetek halal. Sering cuba nak buktikan orang lain salah. Pasal stim kot. Atau pasal dia bodoh.

Kita ni, manusia, bukannya betul sangat. Kalau manusia dah banyak salahnya, apatah lagi kalau beruk? Aku ni, manusia, jadi banyak salahnya. Mungkin masuk neraka. Pedulittaik aku? Bukannya hal aku. Itu urusan Tuhan. Bukan urusan aku, bukan Urusan Seri Paduka Baginda yang ada tertampal kat sampul-sampul surat kerajaan.

Tapi aku kacak. Muka aku tak macam cenekah. Dan aku bersyukur aku bukan beruk yang suka mengkafirkan orang.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

How to Argue with Women

I was minding my own business when this woman started arguing with me. I can't remember about what, cause I was not listening.

Woman: Blablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablablalablablablablablablablablablabla.

Me: You know what?

Woman: What?

Me: You're just jealous cause I have a dick.

Woman: Bla! Blablabla! Blablablablabla! BLA! BLABLABLA!

Man, I love being me.

Teratai Merah Terlantar di Luar Pagar

Aku kat rumah. Penat nak mampus.

Kepala sudah pusing. Kejap lagi nak tidur. Aku masak air, pasal nanti bila aku bangun tengah malam, mesti aku nak minum.

Aku harap ini bukan tanda kencing manis.

Tapi, kalau kencing manis, mesti best sesapa yang hisap konek aku. Kaaaaaaaaaaaan?

Esok aku nak balik Kuantan. Pasal aku nak pergi mahkamah. Tak macam RPK, aku tak cukup 'hero' untuk main sorok-sorok dengan mahkamah Malaysia.

Aku rakyat biasa. Walaupun aku genius. Kacak. Sasa. Seksi. Konek kuat. Jubur harum.

Cis. Rasa macam nak cukur bulu ketiak, pastu ambik gambar diri sendiri.

Masa aku penat, aku akan mula cakap sorang-sorang. Puji diri sendiri. Rasa diri sendiri best.

Jadi, aku tak wajar bercakap dengan orang. Pasal tu aku tak pergi ke Kelab Tekan Kebangsaan malam ni. Nanti aku cakap sorang-sorang la pulak.

AKu beli minuman dan minum kat rumah je.

Stok air tin aku dah habis dah.

(Datuk?) Ahmad A Talib dah jadi executive director Media Prima. Zainul Ariffin dah jadi Group Editor NSTP.

Bukan hal aku, tapi aku cuma nak cakap:

We are proud to belong
to the school that is strong
that is dear good old SDAR!

We are proud to promote
the study and spote (?)
Of our dear good old SDAR

The lalala that we lalala and the joy that we share
Is part of our uNIty!

Yeah, man. That's how tired I am. I'm the last son of Pimpton. I need to get me a Pimp-mobile sometime soon.

Masa Paling Sesuai Untuk Call Aku

Dekat nak hujung meeting skrip, lepas 4 jam berbincang.

Sikit je lagi. Lepas tu Blackberry aku bergetar tak berhenti.

Mujurlah pasal berita baik dan hal-hal menarik.

Pasal 19 kaki persegi atau 19 meter persegi.

Pasal court case aku.

Pastu pasal projek-projek lain yang bakal mengundang.

Aiyoh. Penat! Penat! Esok aku ke stesen bas.

Berdoalah kepada mana-mana Tuhan yang ko sembah. Harapnya rancangan aku semua berjaya.

Kuantan Legal

I will be back in Kuantan either tomorrow or the day after, to attend court proceedings.

I will post my experience about the case and preparing as well as going through it when I come back, and only after it has become a matter of public record.

Hopefully, my experience will be of some help to some poor souls somewhere.

I will be wearing my Morality Gauntlet and shit.

As for now, I need to get to the bank. Some shit to take care of. And then, off to a meeting at 4pm. Then, another meeting perhaps at 8pm.

The Return of Boron: The Most Boring Man in the Universe

So I had dinner with a couple of friends and their child, as well as one of their cousins.

The family is going off to Canada. For good. Forever.

Oh well.

I like to think that I had a huge part in convincing them to leave. But no, I am not responsible.

They have always wanted to leave, and I was merely the cheerleader. Sans the outfit and pom-poms.

With their child growing up, I guess it would be for the best. You don't want to send that child to school where Dongs and Koks will try to subvert the education system every step of the way.

This is why I do not and will not have children. I cannot summon A MONSTER'S SOOOOUUULLLL FROM THE GRAVEYARD! And send it to school in Malaysia.

This is no place to raise children. Look at all the bullshit both PR and BN try to pull. EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I mean, I am megalomaniacal enough to think that I turned out pretty well. But in reality, that's just cause I'm a genius.

Sheer brain capacity and a complete disregard for people have helped me along the way. I never liked the idea of being one with the herd, cause I used to follow my brother and sisters herd cows. And cows are stupid. Delicious, but stupid.

The individual cow might be smart. But in a herd, all it's ever good for is food.

Anyway, back to the dinner. We had beef. Lots of it.

Then I went and had a few drinks with some atheist/agnostic friends. I used to think that religion will one day destroy the world. Then, an episode of South Park changed my mind.

In thatn episode, Cartman was frozen (cause he could not stand waiting for a new game thing to come out) and was thawed many years in the future.

Apparently, in the future, Richard Dawkins won the battle in convincing people to become atheists.

So instead of saying, "Oh, my God!" the people in the future say, "Oh, my Science!"

However, wars still happen. People still fight, DESPITE the absence of religion. Why? Because perhaps it is human nature to fight and religion is one of many excuses.

Also, humankind in the future will also be attacked by a race of evolved beavers.

Why?

Cause beavers don't agree with humans eating on tables.

"Why eat on tables, when you can eat off your stomach?" said the beaver.

So, with South Park as my gospel, I can safely say that religion does not kill people. People kill people.

So fuck you, atheists!

What else?

Migration. Education. Religion.

Race.

Okay, race.

I am an omni-racist. Meaning I HATE all races. If you have a race, I hate you. If you are in a race, I hate you.

Unless you're Thai. I love Thais. And Thai food. And Thai pussy. I mean, Siamese cats. Yes. I love Siamese cats.

I am not racist. I am omni-racist. Geddit? All this racism needs some re-branding, nigra!

And the race I hate the most? Pretend-liberals. Cause they're judgmental and racist. And they pretend to be liberals, but belong more with the Ku Klux Klan.

Hell, I hate everyone. That's my base reading.

And why the fuck can't I sleep at 5am? I woke up an hour ago to drink and I can't seem to get back to sleep.

Meaning: Time for a Tiger? NO! Time for some cough syrup and anti-nausea drugs. Man, I gotta get me some Valium.

Lethargy

So...tired.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

House of M: Desire

You know what people want?

Me neither. If I knew, for SHOW!, I would be a billionaire by now. But I can hazard a guess. Even if I'm wrong, I'm unemployed, so it doesn't really matter.

People want to be recognised. They want acknowledgment - for various things, but at the most basic is existence. Acknowledgment can come from money, some words, a greeting or even a smile. Some, want attention. There is no cure for that last one.

For years, I fought against stereotype. I did not want all these things other people want. What use would I have for vindication? Proof that I am right? What the fuck for? I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I KNOW I'm right.

It is human nature, and I am not satisfied, being human. Little did I know that that dissatisfaction is also a desire.

In the media, acknowledgment and recognition is everywhere. Akademi Fantasia gives the power to vote to its viewers. Radio stations allow listeners, sometimes, to send a shoutout.

Newspapers have letters sections.

And yet, humans, being humans, always want more. So when the world wide web reared its pornographic dickhead, it opened endless possibilities for more acknowledgment and recognition for humans, by humans.

Incidentally, the TV and the Internet was constructed with the same purpose in mind. Almost the same, anyway.

The television was invented as an educational instrument. To broadcast information and shit to households everywhere. Decades later, only the shit part seems to be at the fore.

But some people, like me, do use it as an educational tool. I consider myself an eternal student - constantly gathering more and more information as I age. Hell, I even spend four hours a day reading wikipedia.

So, the Internet was not really intended for porn. One of its architects posed the Internet as a means to store all information in one place. When I get home, I might amend this para and insert the guy's name. For I have an insecurity about my intelligence and need to prove it at every instance. NOT.

So anyway, even if the intention was similar, the approach is completely different.

TV was to be a one-way communication shit thing. The Internet was to evolve to become better than what it was supposed to be, due to user-generated shit thing.

If TV is sex in the missionary position, Internet is gangbang.

And as with gangbang, more people gets 'acknowledged'. More desires are fulfilled.

But those with a fidelity complex or a greedy nature will not survive.

So what does this mean? Nothing. I am merely wanking. As I wait for my friend to join me. She is about to leave the country, forever, and I intend to spend some time before she leaves.