Sunday, June 15, 2008

National Pornographic Sexplorer: The Rules of Fuck Club




Doong doong!

This is your life, good to the last drop (and really, it IS!). This is your life, and you're fucking one woman at a time (if you want to. There are many alternatives).

Anyway, I just got back from the Bangkok-Pattaya trip and am too tired to record everything as well as list out all the lessons learned tonight.

So just for starters, I am putting together a list of basic and simple rules for traveling in Thailand. Based on Fight Club's rules, for those idiots who never saw the movie. Idiot.

The First Rule of Fuck Club is: You DO NOT fall in love with anyone.

- While it is easy to fall in love with a girl in Thailand, especially the bar girls and go go girls and masseuses, masseese, mastodon, whatever, just DON'T.

- Thais are very very good people, very polite people - most of them anyway - and the Thai girls have an amazing demeanour. But always, always remember that for girls who work in such places as a go go are doing it for a living. They're working there.

- Do not complicate their lives by being an asshole. I mean, by being an asshole who doesn't know your role in the whole scheme of things. Always know where the asshole boundaries are.

The Second Rule of Fuck Club is: You DO NOT fall in love with anyone.

- Seriously. This is for your own as well as for the bargirls' protection. You would not believe the kind of bullshit I hear spewing forth from the mouths of idiots who think that ALL these girls are up for a long-term relationship. And could be manipulated to be jealous in a non-monetary, purely-emotional sense.

- Case in point - Cheepork. Cheepork broke the first and second rule when he fell in love with Ann. Fuck you dude. The idiot even proposed to the girl, and uttered profestations of eternal devotion to she who could have been the best go go girl in Phuket.

- Fortunately, Ann saved everyone involved when she left her life of vice in Phuket to probably start a life of vice somewhere else. Status: still missing. And Cheepork still pines for his one true love. Good luck, dude.

Third Rule - NEVER ring the bell. Unless you can REALLY afford it.

(Ringing the bell at a bar in Thailand usually means you're buying everyone a drink. This could cost anything between RM100 - RM1000 or THB1000-THB10,000)

- This applies to everything else as well. If you can't afford something, or if you're not sure you want to tip or pay that kind of money for something you have no knowledge about, don't.

- Nothing spoils a trip more when you realize that you can't get a massage on the last day of your trip because you spent all your cash the night before by ringing a bell and buying everyone a drink.

- Case in point: Cheepork. Cheepork used to complain about not having enough money cause he always buys the girls drinks. He rang the bell a few times as well. Now, with the law in place, he has loads of cash to spare.

Fourth Rule: Chill

- Going to Thailand is like a spiritual journey, a pilgrimage. So learn to let go of everything and embrace the culture, the lifestyle, or a go go girl or two.

- Case in Point: Me. I was so worried about work back home that it nearly spoiled my trip. Plus the fact that everything was rushed in Bangkok, and time seems to travel faster in the Thai capital almost made me lose it and attack an innocent elephant at Soi Cowboy. It was only when I started talking to some of the girls - Mae the Thai economist and another whom I shall call 'An American Crime' - that I let go of everything and started embracing whatever I could get my hands on. Except for guys, of course.

Fifth Rule: DO NOT travel in packs.

- I know this is what you Malaysians like to do. Travel in packs. Hell, a lot of people like to do it too. Why? Well, maybe cause when humans were monkeys, they liked to stay together just in case a saber-tooth tiger starts raping someone in the ass.

- Well, don't. You will enjoy the trip better if you travel alone or have one companion only. Three is a crowd. You don't know when some idiot is going to say, "Hey, I want to watch ladyboy show!" and you're too nice to tell him to fuck off and die.

Sixth Rule: DO NOT eat at Planet Hollywood or Hard Rock Cafe in Thailand. Or McDonalds. Or Starbucks. Or any major chains.

- Not because their food is bad - it's great. It's just this - you travel hundreds, maybe thousands of miles to another country and then you go to a restaurant that you already have in your country. How stupid is that?

- I mean, it's a franchise thing, so they usually serve exactly the same-tasting shit. You think a Big Mac in Jakarta is going to taste different than a Big Mac in, say, Antartica? Fuck no!

- Cheepork and I would often go to the most rat-infested, cockroach strewn stalls in Bangkok. Cause it's gritty. Cause it's real. Cause we hardcore, bitch! We also go to cafes and shit, but always, always make it a point to eat what the locals are eating. Especially what the go go girls are eating, cause I also want perfect skin, voluminous hair, a pussy that doesn't smell and perky nipples. Unless it's pork. Pork sucks. Pork is the stupidest thing in the world, along with fax machines. I HATE fax machines. I HATE pork.

Seventh Rule: You are a whorist, so no fucking tourist activity, foo!

- This means no going to tourist attractions like temples and shit. No boat markets, no weekend markets, no taking pictures with a fucking stupid elephant. I FUCKING HATE ELEPHANTS. No cam-whoring, unless you're a whore. No sight-seeing.

- Whorism or Sexploring is an art unto itself, and takes years of mastery. Do not contaminate your way of the Samurai with the ways of the fucking tourists. Know your role.

- Case in point: Cheepork. He went and took all sorts of pictures. Invested a lot of time in it, too. But get this: his camera can take up to 2000 high-res pics, and maybe more if he were to trnasfer everything into CDs at the many camera shops in Thailand. You know how many pix he took? just a bit over 100. Why? Cause when life is happening around you, you don't take pictures, yo go and live, motherfucker.

- Been there, done that, fool. I could never get what I enjoy most in Thailand on camera cause I want to store it in my head, for me, not in a server for the whole world to see.

- Always leave picture-taking-during-holidays to the Japanese. If you want proof of your trip so you can brag to your friends and family that you've been to places, simply slit your wrists and die. Who gives a shit?

And the Eight and final rule: If this is your first night at FUCK CLUB, you HAVE to fuck.




Doong doong!