After seeing the pimp signal in the sky for the past few weeks, The Earl of Cunt and I - Count Clitoris - booked a flight to Bangkok.
The original plan was to spend two nights in Pattaya and then one night in Bangkok. We have never been to Pattaya before, despite making a combined 26 trips to Thailand between the both of us.
So we arrived at Suvarnabhumi airport at around 10.30am on Thursday. Already, I could feel my cells receiving the energy of Thailand. I could finally remember what it felt like to have superpowers.
Then we went to Level 1 of the airport to board a bus. It's an express bus by Bell Travel Services. They will take you to Pattaya in around 1 hour and 40 minutes without stopping. The cost is a measly RM15 or THB150 per person. As opposed to going there by cab, which would set you back by RM150 or THB1500. From no on, everything in Thai Baht.
There is another alternative - the BangBus. This is basically a bus with two hookers in it. Just for you. So you can fuck while on your way to Pattaya. No point wasting the hour and a half, right? Well, the BangBus costs around THB10,000. Because of the extra service.
So we didn't take it.
We took the normal express buss. And it took us right to the Pattaya bus terminal. After that, as part of the THB15 we paid, they have a van service to take us to anywhere we want in Pattaya.
The first thing we noticed with Pattaya is the fact that it's not user friendly and definitely not for beginners. Even us, the two Knights of Bukkake, the town was a maze of sex and more sex. And it was fairly hard to get around.
And Cheepork, the Earl of Cunt, had this thing for walking around and finding the perfect place to stay before committing any precious Thai baht.
So we walked. And walked. And walked. Without getting a proper feel for the place. SO I suggested we hail one of the pickup-trucks they transformed as cabs and take us on a Pattaya tour. They driver quoted THB200 for a 30 minute ride.
The insight we got from riding the truck was priceless. We finally figured out where things were. And then, we went and stayed at Secrets, at Walking Street, because it is close to all the places we wanted to go - Living Dollhouse Showcase, Living Dollhouse 1, Angelwitch, Lucifer Disco, Baby Dolls, et cetera.
Secrets is basically the best thing in Pattaya. It has nice, comfortable rooms, a well-stocked mini bar complete with condoms, an electronic safe deposit box and a decent menu. It is also connected to a restaurant as well as a bar. You can even order girls up to your room, if that is your fancy.
And finally, the TV set. Secrets boasts of more than 60 channels and the first thing Cheepork and I did was to watch an old episode of Superfriends.
The episode had Samurai, the only Asian character in the series, spinning around in a green leotard thingy.
Yeah, he looks like that.
So we decided to adopt the Samurai's catchphrase. Whenever we want to get out of a place, or if we ever encounter a 'monster' or a 'weapon' or a ladyboy, it is best to make our getaway while yelling KAZE NO YOOOOOOO NI HAYAKU!
And that's what we did. The Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku maneuver is vital for us to experience all of Pattaya in just one night. Cause there are simply too many A Go Gos and places to visit.
And that's what we did. We would go to a go go bar and order one drink each. And then yell Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku! and off we go.
Using this technique, wewent to X-Zone, Club Boesche (pronounced Bush. Geddit?), Lucifer Disco, Living Dollhouse Showcase and Living Dollhouse 1. Unble to find Hell Club, we went to Heaven's Above, where Cheepork met Bam.
Then I Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku-ed on my own to What's Up and Angelwitch. Then I found Mae in one of the earlier clubs and I barfined her. Apparently, barfines in Pattaya have increased this time of year.
No matter. We won't be going there again as Bangkok is so much better.
After spending one night in Pattaya, Cheepork and I decided to go to Bangkok and spend the rest of our time in Thailand there. Cause Cheepork was whining that the girsl are not as beautiful as the ones in Bangkok.
Even though Secrets is a fantastic guesthouse. And Mae is an amazing conversationist.
Anyway, we Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku-ed to Bangkok in a cab which cost us THB800 plus THB100 for toll.
Tips and full review of Pattaya later. But for now, Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku!