Sunday, June 29, 2008


I was hit behind my head last night with an epiphany.

Epiphany: BAM! Motherfucker! Hehehehehehehehe!

And it sped off into the night.

Me: Goddamn motherfucking epiphanies.

The epiphany was: in all of my previous relationships (in Malaysia), whether they are real or not, were based on me falling in love, not with the woman, but with the IDEA of the relationship.

Example: I fell in love with the idea of dressing her up in a pinafore and fucking her brains out. With the added incentive that it's all legal.

Hence, all of them were doomed from the start.

So, happy at disovering this truth, I decided to share it. The response I got from women (at least I think they're women. I DID have a few drinks and this WAS the National Press Club. That's why I don't Bangkok. Bahaya woo.) is this:

"Amir, you will find somebody who's right for you."

Right. Real original.

Here are certain criteria for a woman I'd love to fuck, err, who is 'right' for me. Bleargh.

(Yes, I do have a list. Based on my empirical observations of myself and my ego.)

1. Must be smarter than me.

- Since I am the smartest man alive, then this is a criteria most women just you know, fail.

- There were girls whom I thought were smarter than me. Then, I discovered that they're actually stupid.

- Look, I'm the most righteous motherfucker ever. If you're as righteous as I am, then you're stupid. If you're as judgemental as I am, then you also fail.

- If you have one of those things - those desires to control people, you also fail. This is the most stupid thing ever and it annoys me to no end.

- Trying to dangle sex in front of a Bangkok expert like me - who knows the real value of sex with a hot woman whose vagina doesn't smell (50 bucks) - is asking for hell on a plate. And I got enough hell to feed the whole of starving Africa.

- True intelligence come from not giving a shit. Zen. Cool.

2. Hot.

If you're not hot, get the fuck out of my face.

The girl must be at least an 8 out of 10.

3. Anal

- Must be anal, and must give anal as well.

I go by very simple rules. Every time I stray from these rules, I get hit by a large piano. The universe will keep on teaching me the lesson until I learn it.

1. Blowjob first, talk later.

- If a girl refuses to give a blowjob upon seeing your bulbous dick, something is wrong. She is not, as the Malays say it, 'ikhlas'. She may only want attention from you or fucking USE you for something other than sex. Using you for something other than sex should be a capital crime. A felony. 20 years with caning.

2. No poems

- Absotivefuckinglutely. No motherfucking poems. Poems are weapons of mass emotion. You don't wave it around like I don't wave my dick around at people. SOmebody could get hurt.

3. No is no, Yes is yes, yes, yes, yessssssss!

- If, after two questions, a girl cannot tell you either yes or no, get your ass out of the cunt-ry and go to Bangkok, foo!

Me: So, do you want chocolate or vanilla?

Girl: ehhh....ahhhh....mmmm....aaaaaaa.....eeeerrrrrrr......

Me: Okay. Would you like to suck my dick?

Girl: ehhh....ahhhh....mmmm....aaaaaaa.....eeeerrrrrrr......

Me: Are you a retard?

Girl: ehhh....ahhhh....mmmm....aaaaaaa.....eeeerrrrrrr......

- The problem is that most girls want attention. But they don't want to suck your dick. Attention and sucking dicks are the currency with which men and women go by. In an ideal world, the demand and supply for attention and sucking dick would reach an equilibrium, e, and everyone will be happy.

- Unfortunately, women are greedy and they want attention without sucking cock. Because of this, they feign interest, dangling the possibility just out of reach. This is called cock-teasing. And almost ALL women are cock-teasers. Even the fugly ones. Ugh.

- If you encounter women who cannot, or would not say a straight yes or no, either turn into a serial killer, or go to Thailand. She is not worth it and would be a waste of your time. If you could kill her, then you are doing everyone else a favor. PLEASE DO NOT CONTAMINATE THE GENE POOL with your bullshit.

4. Thailand.

- When God created women, He/She/It gave humanity Thailand to even things out.

- Never, ever feel inadequate or desperate. Because in the end, there is always Thailand and that country is the answer to all despair.