Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What I Remember of Heaven and Hell

I remember some of the stuff they taught us about the Islamic heaven and hell. I paid attention to this when my ustaz and ustazah spoke of it.

Under heaven, runs three rivers. One of milk, another of honey and a third from alcohol which does not make you drunk - which to me just doesn't make any sense, but I'm not taking it up against the management.

Now, if you have a beard, one strand of beard translates to like, 70,000 bidadari (bidadari is like angel-nymph hybrid or the Hindu Apsara or some shit) and one bidadari is said to be so beautiful, that one look at the soles of her feet would drive any man mad.

The reward for women is unclear (I was in a boys' school). All I could find was that women will serve men in heaven. Apparently, women's heaven is basically indentured service or lesbianism, as there is no such thing as 'bidadara'.

Sex is available in abundance, but instead of jism, the dick will spurt gaseous stuff. Supposedly, this makes sense as there is no need to breed anymore.

But my ustaz said that all this will be immaterial, because everyone will be in ecstasy as they see God's face - which is the greatest bliss of all.

Now, hell is more creative.

Those who were obsessed with fucking will have their dicks grow to the size of skyscrapers and they would balance it like a chingay.

Those who take what rightfully belongs to orphans will have their stomachs bloat into the size of an anthill and then all the poisonous creepy-crawlies would burst forth.

There are seas of molten lead, which some have to swim through. There are seas of boiling pus and snot.

At the bottom, the fire is black and consists of men and women being used as fuel for the fires of hell.

Every time you get injured, you grow everything back, like Wolverine.

So remember, this is what you're fighting for, when you fight or argue about religion. I don't know what the fuck it is, but there it is.