Friday, February 18, 2011

Signs that Your Company is Going Under

As the world's greatest business guru, I hereby list down signs that your company is either going to be sold, or close down for good.

1. Cyanide

The company starts buying life insurance for you, and then spikes the water cooler with cyanide.

How to detect this? Well, smell the water. Cyanide has no smell. If you do not smell anything funny, your water has been poisoned.

2. High Levels of Bullshit Jargon

Count the times your top management uses the words 'synergy', 'synergistic', 'strategic partnerships', 'social graph', and 'value-added'.

If those words make up of more than 50% of his speech, RUN!

Here's a translation of business jargon:

a. synergy/synergistic - we will get other departments to do the work cause we know jack shit about what we're doing.

b. strategic partnerships - we will get other companies to do something and then claim all the credit because our product is worthless.

c. social graph - I failed at everything in life, except popularity contests.

d. value-added - we are conmen and we want to con people

3. Corporate training

When all else fails, people usually turn to black magic, religion or gambling. Corporate training is all three combined.

If they hired people who need even more formal training (without say, change in systems, law, or expansion), then you know that either they think you're all idiots, or you are all idiots.