Saturday, March 29, 2008

Tales from the Drunk Side: Soapbox Time

Just got back from Press club. Jaka Denial time, foo! I am quite lugubrious at the moment.

I don't want another May 13 to happen, but I am prepared.

On the day I got back to KL after a voting trip to Kuantan, I bought myself a machete. From Carrefour. It's RM21.50, and you can find it at the gardening section.

It's mean-looking, has a good balance, but I can only kill one or two people and hack a few extra limbs before I lose my grip as the handle is quite slippery if it's covered in, oh, say, blood.

If a race riot actually happens, I would need the machete for 'self-defence' as well as for shopping. If the shit ever comes down, you will find me at Carrefour, pushing a shopping cart and waving the machete, possibly a 32-inch Sony Bravia, a Nintendo Wii and a front-loading washing machine in the fucking trolley.

Look, I'd rather pay for the stuff, but if I have to hack and slash through a forest of yellow-shirt wearing sales assistants, I would.

A lot of people are still celebrating the fall of BN in the last elections. I say fall of BN, and not the victory of the Opposition because the opposition did not win. Do any of you who voted for the opposition even read their manifesto?

I was at home watching the election results, as my mother made a fist and became extremely angry at the statistics that kept coming in. My father was his usual collected self. I was grinning, cause I was right.

Turned out, I was TOO right. We overdid it.

Because, the current Opposition, in my opinion, is neither better nor worse than the past Government. There are as many racists in DAP as there are in UMNO. And the same number of good people as well.

And you really want to vote PIS-M? Man. Fucktards. I grew up with PIS-M people. I know what they're about. I know what they're capable of. Frankly, I don't trust them.

I mean, BN might take your money. Toll you, tax you, put you in prison, sleep on the job, have sex with actresses, TV personalities, suck the country dry, give contracts to friends and family, say stupid things, do stupid things, fuck the judiciary, play race politics, mobilize rempits, construct bridges that fall after some rain, dig a few billion-dollar flood-water tunnel that require cleaning after some light rain, wave a keris, smile like shit, whatever.

PIS-M has the capability, and now the opportunity to do ALL of those things, and try to convince you that it's legit by hiding behind the veil of religion. Menghalalkan yang batil. I'm not saying they're doing it RIGHT NOW, but they can, and if we give them too much power, they will.

Because despite popular Malay belief, these people are no saints.

Actually, this is the case I'm making - if we give any one group absolute power, and I don't give a fuck who they are - we are going to be screwed. I mean, 50 years of the same lesson over and over again, is that not enough? We gave BN that much power and they became arrogant motherfuckers who don't even realize that they must change or die. They don't even realize that they HAVE to construct roads from quality material and not build gold-plated toilet seats, for God's sake (remember the Majalah 3 coverage on Ku Li's extravagances wayyyy back in the 90s?).

The last election was a good lesson for BN.

The lesson is: change, or die.

I'm all for that. What I am concerned about is: at what price? And more importantly, WHO IS GOING TO PAY IT? If it's just Pak Lah and KJ, then by all means. Makkal Sakti! Hold the dhal. Extra curry. And teh o suam satu!

But if we have to bear the cost, as we always do, with this country, then I say, bad, bad, badddddd.

The problem with BN is: they are too stubborn to change. Too fixed in their ways. I mean, they've been doing the same shit for 50 years, and they all got away with it.

If you play blackjack, and you've been winning 11 hands straight using the same tactics, are you gonna change just cause you lost the 12th hand?

The problem is that the stakes are US. No, not the United States, us. US, foo!

If the opposition fuckers stay cool and not lose their head and become as arrogant as BN, then fine. Otherwise, we are in for another fucked-up 50 years. When the first-borns take over.

The French Revolution was started by younger siblings, like me. But pretty soon, the older siblings took over and start beheading people on a whim. Creating a draconian whatever that they fought AGAINST in the first place.

Lim Guan Eng made a statement, which was broadcast on TV about the NEP. Fuck the newspaper that got it wrong.I saw it on fucking TV, so it must be true. Despite being in office for only two fucking days. Despite knowing that some Malays are crazy enough to kill for those three words.

I was even thinking that it was a prelude to the annexation of Penang from Malaysia. I bought a machete because I was expecting the more stupid Malays to respond (as they have before) and actually, for a change, fulfill their promise of bathing their kerises with Chinese blood.

Wait a minute. DESPITE knowing all this, he went ahead and made the statement anyway? Is Lim Guan Eng just as stupid as some of the UMNO politicians who made similar statements earlier? I don't think so. I mean, he learned arabic and Tamil in prison. Oh, that's right. He never got the books daddy-kins sent him. Boo fucking hoo.

I believe that for every good person, there is a KJ to balance the equation. For every Bernard Khoo, there is a Monsterball. For every Sunder, there is a Samy Vellu. And for every Najib, there is another Najib.

I believe that race-relations in this country are fucked up. There is just not enough inter-racial fucking. I believe that some Malays don't trust the Chinese. Some Chinese really do want to come up with a CEP and ride on the Malays till they all die. That's all fucked up.

Oh. And Indians. They're okay cause they're gonna get US$4 trillion.

ETC. ETC for the dan lain-lain.

For God's sake, man. Can't we all just get along? And fuck each other instead of screwing?

I was told by many people not to write this piece. It's not funny, cause I don't find the potential for the worst of times to come back to Malaysia via the provocation of idiots as something funny.

Some people, especially Malay chicks, say they do not want to get involved cause they just want to be fucked and beaten up.

Some say, "We will support the winners. Why make ANY noise? Just make money lah."

Some people say that we should just leave it to the idiot politicians. I say fine, leave the politics to the politicians. But social bullshit should be handled by the asshole society we live in today.

And also the fact that I want to migrate anyway, even before the elections. However, as long as I stay here, and is a citizen of Malaysia, it is my business to ask questions, no matter how hard they may be.

Yeah, some friends told me to just shut up and write about how many girls I fucked (quite a lot, actually).

Unfortunately for all of them, I have watched Boston Legal.

In the words of Alan Shore, "As citizens, as patriots, it is our duty to ask questions. It is our solemn responsibility to talk about things that affect us."

Or something to that effect.

I'm no fucking patriot, though my dick does look like a missile defence system, sometimes.

But somebody has to do it. As I have learned over the past few years, I am usually the one left holding the bag. Well, when life gives you a bag, let's abduct some women and fuck them in the ass. Whatever.

As the greatest genius to have ever fucked Thai ladies, it is my prerogative to ensure that my flights to Thailand are uninterrupted.

I am half Malay and half Chinese (or possibly two-thirds Malay cause my sympathies lie with them). And heterosexual. Sexy as hell. Yeah. Uh. Uh. Check out these pecs, baby, yeah! An endangered species, in these times.

Anyway, long story short, relax. Chill. You don't have to live in fear. You can have balls and say shit. You can go to Phuket. You can sodomize people and still be a contender for the PM's job.

But if you want to riot anyway, don't forget to call me. I need a flat-screen TV.