Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Secret to the Malay Male

All I hear nowadays is "The Secret this" and "The Secret that". Women can't keep their mouth shut about it.

They go on and on. As if reading the stupid book or downloading the movie from a peer-to-peer is some sort of achievement. As if reading a book or going to a course will change your life.


First, let's have some fun:

The Secret is not a secret. It is rehashed self-help bullshit that has been floating around for decades.

The Secret is a giant piece of turd designed for people who are:

1. Lazy

- a self-help that says all you have to do is to imagine things and they will magically manifest? Fuck you. If you want something, you have to take it. Imagining a donut will not get you a donut. Getting your ass off the couch and buying a donut gets you a donut, you lazy motherfucker.

2. The Da Vinci Code fans

- I hate The Da Vinci Code. It's stupid, wooden and stupid. Did I mention stupid? If you like The Da Vinci Code, fuck you, stupid.

3. Not Rich

- most of the shit is aimed at people who want cars and houses and stupid relationships. Never the concerns of Donald Trump.

4. Unhappy

- Rhonda Byrnes's mom said that the only reason she wrote the book is "for people to feel happy and good about themselves". This was evident in the final scene of the DVD when Byrnes wrote FEEL GOOD on sand. My response would be, "start giving free head, bitch!"

Now, for some bad news:

The Secret works. There. I said it.

When I was 23, I said to myself, "I want to write and be paid for shit that I write. I want to be a writer. And fuck everything else."

Six months later, I'm a writer. And fucked everything else.

I didn't visualize or ask-answer-receive or be in an 'attitude or gratitude' or whatever bullshit they spew on The Secret.

I worked for it. I sent 52 application letters to 52 different companies looking for writers. I went to countless interviews (actually, six). I worked as a cashier at a pharmacy to support my quest to become a writer.

I wrote for free at one stupid food guide. Just so that I wouldn't starve cause I'd be testing food and stuff.

I worked. Hard. Six months and BAM! The greatest writer ever.

I left The Malay Mail and was immediately offered a post at a magazine and a RM100,000-a-year job offer from an advertising company. Did I visualize any of this? No (BAM! Rhetorical question, yo!)! I worked for it. All of it. All mine. Memememe.

Cause you see, The Secret misses one extremely important step - action.

You can't just visualize sex with Natalie Portman every time you masturbate and expect her to come running to your house next week with an addiction to your penis. Fuck you! You're not me. And even I'm having a difficult time with that.

Yeah, yeah, it's important to have goals. To have dreams. I am a dream-powered writing machine. That's how I survive. That's how I work. It's the only way to do art. Cause I'm an artisan and shit.

BUT. Visualizing without getting off your stupid ass and not doing a thing will NOT get you a fucking blowjob from Natalie Portman.

Stalking her and covering her mouth with a handkerchief dipped in chloroform and throwing her into the trunk of an SUV and threatening her with a serrated-edge knife inside an abandoned warehouse might.

Cause if it's really true, if the Law of Attraction REALLY, REALLY works, then all of you are fucked.

Cause for the past five years, I've been visualizing killing each and every one of you with a machete. And shoving a red hot poker in your asses. All of you. Why? Cause it's fun to visualize that.

But as long as I don't get off my lazy ass and actually start killing people, it's not going to happen and the poh-lease cannot arrest me.

I believe in action. God does not punish the guilty, I DO! I mean, look at all the biggest bastards in the world. Chances are, the most evil people in the world are the richest. WHere's the justice in that?

I mean, judging by his hair, Donald Trump is an asshole. Bill Gates is a geek and geeks are evil little creatures. Like Jews.

If you want to be rich like Bill Gates, the thing you have to do is to take it from him. Take it ALL!

The thing is, have your goals or dreams or whatever bullshit. And then act, you stupid, lazy son of a bitch. God will not help you. So help yourself.