Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Days of Future Past: The Frontier Spirit

Tomorrow, I will go to what was the best Maxis service center in Malaysia - and I hope it still is - at KLCC to get myself a Blackberry Bold 3.

As I hold the smartphone in my hand, I'll say, "I like the feel of this shootin' iron."

Then I'll give it a twirl and put it in my holster.

Steve Jobs might jump from behind the counter and yell, "BUY APPLE MAKE YOU KOOL FOOL LOL! OBEY!"

"If ah remember correctly, yore stewpid G5 made me late to a ho-down one taime, and I had to ho a ho down, ya dig? Because it done hang on me, Mr IT-JUST-WORKS-MY-ASS."

Angered by my nonchalant response, Steve Jobs will transform into a renegade unit. A towering behemoth of crappy Apple products such as LISA, NAVI, iCUBE and everything they've made in the past 20 or 30 years.

"Whoo-ee! He's tougher than shoe leather and sharper than a porcupine quill," I'll say.

So I'll jump into my Blackberry Bold 3 and a hot blonde will say, "Ramrod will now take navigational control."

The disembodied voice of Peter Cullen then will say, "Acknowledge, April. Navigational control - ON. Blackberry Challenge Phase - 1. Head 'em up, move 'em out. Power stride, and ready to ride."

After a short battle, I'll vaporise the renegade with my nipple cannons.

Ah, I've always wanted to write a story in the future tense.

I am getting a new phone tomorrow. Already called Maxis and everything seems to be in order.

I don't want Bold Touch because I have a heavy distrust of touchscreen devices. I believe touchscreens are like fax machines - intermediary tech that will soon be obsolete but will still be used by freaks who want to stay in the '70s.

Mark my words. We will all be using motion sensor holograms soon. In, maybe like 200 years or so. So fuck touchscreens. You don't like me? Blow me!