Friday, November 27, 2009

Last Night's Leftovers


I spent most of the day worrying about a lot of things. Mostly about my family. I almost missed the fact that tomorrow is Aidiladha. There are some stuff I am doing tomorrow which will piss off a few people, perhaps, but it needs to be done.

After work, I went home and called up a friend. He picked me up and we soon found ourselves in a Chinese restaurant, where he said, "Do you think I am pathetic?"

It was a gay question.

Me: What a gay question.

Him: Yeah, I know, right?

Me: Can you be okay with being pathetic?

Him: No! I am not okay with being pathetic!

At this point, klaxons blared in my head.

Me: Look, dude. As a principle, I do not tell people how to live their lives. Too much responsibility, and makes me judgmental. And it never works. Believe me, I tried to be a hero on numerous occassions. What I discovered was that some people want to be whatever they want to be, and I do not have the ability nor the right to change that.

Him: I don't care. I'm depressed.

Me: Okay. What happened?

So he told me, and I listened.

Him: And then, people keep on cancelling on me.

Him: Okay, so what should I do?

Me: About what?

Him: About me being depressed.

Me: Can you be okay with being depressed?

Him: No, I'm not okay with being depressed!

Me: Why are you depressed?

Him: Because I want people to show me that they love me.

Me: Dude...

Him: Yeah?

Me: That's so fucking gay. JUDGMENT!

Him: Just tell me what to do. I want peace. Om shanti shanti shanti. It means Peace, peace, peace.

Me: I don't know what you should do with your life. I'm not you. I don't have the wisdom of the ages. Do I look like Jesus to you? Buddha, maybe, when I let my hair grow long. Go read a book. Fuck a girl or something. Or a guy. I don't give a shit. I got loads of gay friends. One more wouldn't hurt.

Him: Seriously. I'm depressed. I'm pathetic.

Me: Join the club, man. I'm depressed. I'm pathetic. This is me being depressed. Can I put this on my blog?

Him: Go ahead. You're depressed?

Me: Yeah, this is me being depressed.

Him: Okay, but what do I need to do? I don't care if you're gonna be judgmental. Or mental. Just tell me.

Me: are depressed want people to show you that, that - this is so fucking gay! So, anyway, you want people to stop cancelling on you?

Him: Yeah. When they called me and said they want to cancel on me, I just said, "Okay." But what I really wanted to do was to tell them to stop cancelling on me and never do this again. And if they want to cancel on me, they should at least tell me earlier.

Me: Okay, can you do that, without any emotion?

Him: ...

Me: Can you say, "Okay, we cancel this, but can you not do this again, without giving me early notice?" Without any of the hysterics and emotion?

Him: ...Ye...yeah. But I want to do it with emotion. Ha ha.

Me: Then, perhaps you do not simply want them to stop doing it, but maybe because you want them to feel something - something you've felt. You crave drama. If you believe in peace so much, you wouldn't even bother. Om shanti shanti shanti?

Right then, I knew I had done a cardinal sin. Broke one of my own rules. I should not, and should NEVER tell people how to live their lives. It's not for me to decide. It is not my place, it is not my right.

Fortunately, this was an old, old friend. And the way he was is that he took it, understood it, perhaps.

Hardest thing ever is to accept people as they are. I said it before. Different people make so many different choices and think so differently. It is perhaps the thing that makes everyone interesting. Wanting people to see it your way is a waste of time. Being righteous is a waste of time. Just think and do and be whatever and however you want to be, and let the world sort it out.

At least that's what I say. I may do things differently, anyway. One thing, though, my days as a hero is over. I can't 'save' everyone and before that makes me crazy, I might as well live my life as I do.

And I'm stillw aiting for phone calls and SMSes from Sarawak, as well as harrassing people during Aidiladha. I don't think things will get done until at least tomorrow or Monday.