Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Inverse Relations Between Age and Quantity of Dick-Sucking

As I grow older, more and more chicks want to suck my dick. Especially Malay chicks.

I was surprised at this, really. I mean, some gay old men, I can understand...but chicks?

Man, where were you when I was in college?

After landing a job, I went and hung with hos. Whores. Prostitutes. That's why I don't really buy chicks who try to work in the pain and suffering angle with me.

Sure, your pussy bleeds every month. Get a tampon, you freak. Try having periods, kids, and then separated from your kids by your malicious ex-boyfriend and when you call those kids of yours, the only thing you ever hear them say is, "Mommy, mommy" before the asshole slams down the phone.

That's fucking harsh, okay?

No matter how much pain you're in, it's nothing compared to Rwandans who got their hands cut off. African women who got their pussies sewn up. Genital mutiliation - that's painful.

Child slavery in some African countries - that's harsh. Your co-worker smelling like falafel? Fuck you. What the fuck is this shit?

I also went to hang with hos so that I could train myself. See sex, good, drama-less, odourless sex, is only worth 50 bucks. When you realise that, fucking Megan Fox is not that big a deal. Plus, no matter how good looking a woman or man is, her/his shit still smells as bad as mine.

Shit is the great equaliser. Everybody shits.

So anyway, I get pussy thrown at me everyday. Naturally, I asked one of my 'friends' about it.

She: It's very simple. You have two things they find irresistible.

Me: My charm and good looks?

She: Not even close. See, you have a job.

Me: Means, I have money? They think I have money? Man, I'm fucking broke!

She: No. It just means you have a job. From a woman's perspective, a lot of men are douchebags with no jobs who ask money from them.

Me:'re saying I don't have to work and just get some bitch to pay for my shit? Shiiiitttt...

She: Secondly, you are of the marrying age.

Me: Ah, fuck that shit, man!

She: You're against marriage, I get it.

Me: No, it's just that it's never been on the top of my list. Sometimes, when I ask people, why they get married, you know what the number one answer is? 80% of respondents said, "So that I can have someone to eat with."

What the fuck? Someone to eat with? Pay me money, I'll eat with you.

I guess Chris Rock was right.

Chris Rock: Relationships are simple. It's all about eating and fucking. You eeaaaattt, you fuck. You eeaaaattt, you fuck. You eeaaaattt, you fuck. Somewhere between this eating and fucking, the man would go, "Wanna go watch a movie?"

Chris Rock: If you don't like eating or fucking with somebody, then that relationship is doomed. And marriage is definitely not for you. Cause marriage is more eating, less fucking.