One of the best things about working at a newspaper was to come up with stupid headlines and titles to articles.
I remember a story I did about William Hung - the terror of American Idol - and it was titled GOOD WILL HUNG-TING. I think. Or was it WHERE THERE'S A WILL...
But there were others which were not used.
Example:
1. William Hung Interview
- WELL HUNG WILLIE
- BIG WILLIE STYLE
- THIS AIN'T WILLIE NELSON MUSIC! - taken from a line in 8 Mile's freestyle battles.
2. V for Vendetta movie review
- S FOR STUPID
- V FOR VAGINA
- V FOR VERY THE STUPID
- V FOR FUCK ALAN MOORE IN THE ASS
3. A TV page about several shows, including documentaries about rich girls, zebras and baboons
- ZEBRAS! BABOONS! GIRLS!
- BITCHES, WITCHES AND RICHES
4. Anwar's latest scandal
- TURKISH DELIGHT!
- ANWAR STRIKES BACK
- BACKSTREET BOYS: UNBREAKABLE
- BABY GOT BACK
- RETURN OF THE JUBUR
- A NEW GROPE
- RAIDERS OF THE LOST ASS
- THE BACK JOB
- HANCOCK RELEASED EARLY
- ANWAR'S LOT
- ANWAR'S FIST
- BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
- MALAYSIAN HISTORY A.S.S. (ANWAR'S SODOMY SCANDAL)
- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU - about Anwar's supporters
- GET ON TOP - when Anwar becomes PM
- MEMASUKKAN ZAKAR DALAM DUBUR
- EVERY ASS YOU TAKE
- ANWAR CLAIMS DOUBLE JEOPARDY
- THE REAL SLIM ANUS
- DEEP IMPACT
- THE ABYSS
- SAVING ANWAR'S PRIVATES(CY)
- FORREST HUMP
- AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
- A FEW GOOD MEN
- THE LYING KING
- DEJAVU SEORANG LELAKI
- JANGAN TONGGENG BELAKANG
- CINTA U-TURN
- TOTAL RECOIL
- CINDERELLA MAN
- MEN IN BACK
- CROUCHING SUKMA, HIDDEN SAIFUL
- DUDE, WHERE'S MY ASS? DUDE?
- ONCE YOU GO BACK...
- INTO THE BLUE
- ANWARCONDA
- DANGEROUS LIAISONS
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
People Unclear on the Concept
NOTE: This is an Anwar article. (Ini iklan racun perosak)
The best advice as a leader I ever got was from Black Bolt. See, Black Bolt is the leader of the Inhuman - a branch of humans which took a different path in evolution.
In short, every Inhuman has a special power. There's more to it, but let's just keep it simple. Black Bolt's super power is the sonic scream. With a mere whisper, he could level mountains. If he yelled at the top of his lungs, he could destroy worlds, maybe even universes.
Therefore, to prevent himself from destroying the world, Black Bolt remains mute. He would meditate an hour before going to sleep every single day so that he wouldn't unconciously utter a single word that could destroy his city.
With that kind of responsibility weighing over his head, what would he say to his people, if he had the chance?
Relax.
Chill. Cool.
Because whether you push the panic button or not, whether there is drama or no, things still need to be done. In a calm and orderly manner.
There is a time for action, and a time for dialogue, and a time for quiet reflection as well.
People went crazy over the Saiful Bahari allegations. The young man (I'm a full five years older, foo!) lodged a police report saying that Anwar buggered him. Journalists would know that this is where the money is. The story of the day.
Headlines (should) scream: TURKISH DELIGHT! "I ROXORED HIS BOXORS" - SAIFUL BUTT-MAN AND RUBBIN' - THE MALAY MALE.
For some people, unclear on the concept, a police report is a ruling from a judge. For others, it's a document from the Government admitting conspiracy and such.
I have been a journalist for only a few years now. But I have seen my fair share of police reports. In fact, I was there when some of the biggest police reports in Malaysian history were lodged. I even helped two people - a friend and family member - to lodge their own police reports.
Big butt-fucking deal, a police report. It is only the first step to something bigger. And that could take years, if not decades, to resolve.
I mean, as soon as a police report is lodged, then there would be an investigation. A proper one. Then you can file for a case. Then there would be a prima facie hearing. Prima facie, according to some lawyer friends, means that the burden of proof lies on the plaintiff/accuser to show that he/she has a case.
THEN there will be a hearing. IF there is a case. In a civil case, if the original is thrown out because of lack of evidence or sheer stupidity, the other party can then counter-sue. If it's a criminal case, well, then that's different.
So this is a long ride and too soon to make any sort of judgement yet, which is the right and privilege of the judge.
It will take MONTHS at the very LEAST for things to get any semblance of being resolved.
Meantime, I myself can lodge a police report saying that Samy Vellu committed libel against me in his blog, which he has since deleted. All false, of course. And whose face would be on the papers then?
So to jump up and down now like an idiot in heat is ultimately stupid.
In Black Bolt's unspoken word - Relax.
The best advice as a leader I ever got was from Black Bolt. See, Black Bolt is the leader of the Inhuman - a branch of humans which took a different path in evolution.
In short, every Inhuman has a special power. There's more to it, but let's just keep it simple. Black Bolt's super power is the sonic scream. With a mere whisper, he could level mountains. If he yelled at the top of his lungs, he could destroy worlds, maybe even universes.
Therefore, to prevent himself from destroying the world, Black Bolt remains mute. He would meditate an hour before going to sleep every single day so that he wouldn't unconciously utter a single word that could destroy his city.
With that kind of responsibility weighing over his head, what would he say to his people, if he had the chance?
Relax.
Chill. Cool.
Because whether you push the panic button or not, whether there is drama or no, things still need to be done. In a calm and orderly manner.
There is a time for action, and a time for dialogue, and a time for quiet reflection as well.
People went crazy over the Saiful Bahari allegations. The young man (I'm a full five years older, foo!) lodged a police report saying that Anwar buggered him. Journalists would know that this is where the money is. The story of the day.
Headlines (should) scream: TURKISH DELIGHT! "I ROXORED HIS BOXORS" - SAIFUL BUTT-MAN AND RUBBIN' - THE MALAY MALE.
For some people, unclear on the concept, a police report is a ruling from a judge. For others, it's a document from the Government admitting conspiracy and such.
I have been a journalist for only a few years now. But I have seen my fair share of police reports. In fact, I was there when some of the biggest police reports in Malaysian history were lodged. I even helped two people - a friend and family member - to lodge their own police reports.
Big butt-fucking deal, a police report. It is only the first step to something bigger. And that could take years, if not decades, to resolve.
I mean, as soon as a police report is lodged, then there would be an investigation. A proper one. Then you can file for a case. Then there would be a prima facie hearing. Prima facie, according to some lawyer friends, means that the burden of proof lies on the plaintiff/accuser to show that he/she has a case.
THEN there will be a hearing. IF there is a case. In a civil case, if the original is thrown out because of lack of evidence or sheer stupidity, the other party can then counter-sue. If it's a criminal case, well, then that's different.
So this is a long ride and too soon to make any sort of judgement yet, which is the right and privilege of the judge.
It will take MONTHS at the very LEAST for things to get any semblance of being resolved.
Meantime, I myself can lodge a police report saying that Samy Vellu committed libel against me in his blog, which he has since deleted. All false, of course. And whose face would be on the papers then?
So to jump up and down now like an idiot in heat is ultimately stupid.
In Black Bolt's unspoken word - Relax.
Beat 'Em Up: How to Take Advantage of Women
So you're a man (or a lesbian). Want to feel even manlier?
Try (NEW AND IMPROVED!) spousal abuse!
Here, I provide the tips and tricks needed to be a successful abuser.
1. Cry Like a Bitch
If you have not abused your spouse before, this may come as a shock to her.
To make her ready for more 'free kicks', you can use the 'cry like a bitch' tactic.
After beating her up, simply cry like a bitch and blame everything that happened on her.
Here's an example:
Manly Man: CHOKESLAM!
Wife: Ouch! AAAAAARGHH!! My ovaries! My precious ovaries!
(now run to the corner and cry like a bitch)
Manly Man: Boo fucking hoo! You made me a dirty man! Dirty man! You made me beat you up! Boo hoo hoo!
Crying like a bitch works every time, because women think that men are emotionally crippled beings. They pity men. And when you open up and cry like a bitch, they would be so fucking sympathetic. Muahahahahahaha! Retards.
2. Continue BLAMING THE WOMAN
This is the most important step of being an abuser. ALways, ALWAYS blame the woman for everything. EVERYTHING!
Your shirt is crumpled because you sat on it? HER FAULT. Five across the eyes.
The rising price of oil? HER FAULT. A kick on her vagina.
The Tsunami? Because some women pierced their bellies. Yes. This was Malaysia's official stand during the Zouk haul. Keep 'em locked up in a cage and parade them out and stare at their tits. And then beat them up when they get home.
3. Hide behind religion.
I don't care what religion. Just hide behind the nearest one. You need not really know about the religion or believe in it at all in order for you to take advantage of the religion.
Example:
Manly Man: I was sent to earth as the caliph! Men are the caliph of the earth! Bow down before me and RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
Wife: I think the correct translation is MANKIND. Mick Foley. Not You. Your name's Fakar.
Now is a good time to bust her in the kneecaps.
Manly Man: I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
OR
Manly Man: Eve sinned! With a snake! Now you must pay for her sins!
Wife: But Jesus 'El Saviooooooooorrrrrr' Christ died on the cross for our sins, including mine!
Backhanded slap!
Manly Man: Who gives a shit? Dirtypillows! Dirtypillows! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
4. Trust Malaysian Society
Here's an open secret. When a woman reports of abuse, the idiots in Malaysia would probably either not believe her or start blaming her.
In one tragic case, one woman who is related to a friend of mine was laughed out of a police station when she reported the abuse.
Most Malaysian women would start blaming the woman for failing to keep a dick.
Here are excerpts from an ACTUAL conversation I heard a couple of weeks ago.
Bitch: What if I don't get married?
Cunt: Why won't you? Marriage = success. Breeding is our only role in life. We're like a virus. We need to infect the earth with calls of the prophet.
Bitch: But what if the husband beats me up?
Cunt: Then IT'S YOUR FAULT!
Bitch: But what if he's just pure dang nasty evil?!
Cunt: Then IT'S YOUR FAULT cause you chose the wrong husband. Choose one that is very religious.
Manly Man: RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
5. Always Make Her Feel Small
As long as a woman think her breasts are small. Erm. I mean, as long as a woman feels small, she would believe in all your bullshit.
Actually, this works in ALL relationships - gay, lesbian, hetero, work, whatever. As long as you highlight each and every fault of your spouse and emotionally abuse her by saying that everything that went wrong was their fault and they did wrong every time, you will be able to keep them under control.
Manly Man: Your small tits caused the war in Iraq!
Wife: Boo hoo hoo.
Manly Man: And by looking like a man, you made me gay and made me fuck my aide. Now, RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!!
6. Isolation
ALways control the perception held by the people around you. ESPECIALLY her friends. If possible, turn them against her.
As with everything else here, this also works for gay or work relationships as well.
When she has no support structure, then they will only look to you for affection. And dick. Like a dog.
Use these this simple guide and you'll feel like an Ultimate Fighting Championship World Champion. Or Zinedine Zidane.
RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
Try (NEW AND IMPROVED!) spousal abuse!
Here, I provide the tips and tricks needed to be a successful abuser.
1. Cry Like a Bitch
If you have not abused your spouse before, this may come as a shock to her.
To make her ready for more 'free kicks', you can use the 'cry like a bitch' tactic.
After beating her up, simply cry like a bitch and blame everything that happened on her.
Here's an example:
Manly Man: CHOKESLAM!
Wife: Ouch! AAAAAARGHH!! My ovaries! My precious ovaries!
(now run to the corner and cry like a bitch)
Manly Man: Boo fucking hoo! You made me a dirty man! Dirty man! You made me beat you up! Boo hoo hoo!
Crying like a bitch works every time, because women think that men are emotionally crippled beings. They pity men. And when you open up and cry like a bitch, they would be so fucking sympathetic. Muahahahahahaha! Retards.
2. Continue BLAMING THE WOMAN
This is the most important step of being an abuser. ALways, ALWAYS blame the woman for everything. EVERYTHING!
Your shirt is crumpled because you sat on it? HER FAULT. Five across the eyes.
The rising price of oil? HER FAULT. A kick on her vagina.
The Tsunami? Because some women pierced their bellies. Yes. This was Malaysia's official stand during the Zouk haul. Keep 'em locked up in a cage and parade them out and stare at their tits. And then beat them up when they get home.
3. Hide behind religion.
I don't care what religion. Just hide behind the nearest one. You need not really know about the religion or believe in it at all in order for you to take advantage of the religion.
Example:
Manly Man: I was sent to earth as the caliph! Men are the caliph of the earth! Bow down before me and RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
Wife: I think the correct translation is MANKIND. Mick Foley. Not You. Your name's Fakar.
Now is a good time to bust her in the kneecaps.
Manly Man: I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
OR
Manly Man: Eve sinned! With a snake! Now you must pay for her sins!
Wife: But Jesus 'El Saviooooooooorrrrrr' Christ died on the cross for our sins, including mine!
Backhanded slap!
Manly Man: Who gives a shit? Dirtypillows! Dirtypillows! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
4. Trust Malaysian Society
Here's an open secret. When a woman reports of abuse, the idiots in Malaysia would probably either not believe her or start blaming her.
In one tragic case, one woman who is related to a friend of mine was laughed out of a police station when she reported the abuse.
Most Malaysian women would start blaming the woman for failing to keep a dick.
Here are excerpts from an ACTUAL conversation I heard a couple of weeks ago.
Bitch: What if I don't get married?
Cunt: Why won't you? Marriage = success. Breeding is our only role in life. We're like a virus. We need to infect the earth with calls of the prophet.
Bitch: But what if the husband beats me up?
Cunt: Then IT'S YOUR FAULT!
Bitch: But what if he's just pure dang nasty evil?!
Cunt: Then IT'S YOUR FAULT cause you chose the wrong husband. Choose one that is very religious.
Manly Man: RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
5. Always Make Her Feel Small
As long as a woman think her breasts are small. Erm. I mean, as long as a woman feels small, she would believe in all your bullshit.
Actually, this works in ALL relationships - gay, lesbian, hetero, work, whatever. As long as you highlight each and every fault of your spouse and emotionally abuse her by saying that everything that went wrong was their fault and they did wrong every time, you will be able to keep them under control.
Manly Man: Your small tits caused the war in Iraq!
Wife: Boo hoo hoo.
Manly Man: And by looking like a man, you made me gay and made me fuck my aide. Now, RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!!
6. Isolation
ALways control the perception held by the people around you. ESPECIALLY her friends. If possible, turn them against her.
As with everything else here, this also works for gay or work relationships as well.
When she has no support structure, then they will only look to you for affection. And dick. Like a dog.
Use these this simple guide and you'll feel like an Ultimate Fighting Championship World Champion. Or Zinedine Zidane.
RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAA!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Ask Uncle Agony
Today, I, The Malay Male, His Royal Highness The Ego, Man of Tomorrow, Pimp Masta G, National Pornographic Sexplorer, The Venerable (NOT Venereal) Count Clitoris will deign to answer some of the questions from the plebiean you.
Billions of you emailed me questions. I will answer only a select few.
Question 1:
Malay Male, ah? Why my road behind Balakong there got so many holes? Like woman liddat.
- Lee
Answer: Fuck you, bitch! First of all, it's NOT YOUR buttfucking road. It's KJ's. And you don't want to make KJ angry. Na-ah. You won't like KJ when he's angry.
KJ: KJ SMASH!
Question 2:
O Lord, how do you cure cancer?
- Caleb Jehovah
Answer: Shoot the original cancer guy with a silver bullet.
Waitaminute. JEHOVAH?!
Quadra Magic Ultima, Quadra Magic Ultima, Quadra Magic Ultima, Quadra Magic Ultima! Summon! Knights of the Round! Mime!
Question 3:
I'm gay and I want to suck your dick! How much?
- Dan Perang
Answer: FUCK YOU, BITCH! USD400 million.
Question 4:
I am a 15 year old slut-ho whore-priestess. I want to fuck a goat. How?
Answer: Purchase a goat. RM400? Who gives a shit? Okay, steal a goat. Take the goat out to lunch (dinners are so passe and goats are diurnal, not nocturnal).
Then, after you got some chemistry going (crystal meth), propose to it and then douse yourself with gasoline and light yourself up with a wind-proof lighter. Then bang your head on the wall.
Then charge your funeral on the goat.
This is how you fuck a goat.
Alternatively, flash your smelly vagina to a PIS-M man.
Billions of you emailed me questions. I will answer only a select few.
Question 1:
Malay Male, ah? Why my road behind Balakong there got so many holes? Like woman liddat.
- Lee
Answer: Fuck you, bitch! First of all, it's NOT YOUR buttfucking road. It's KJ's. And you don't want to make KJ angry. Na-ah. You won't like KJ when he's angry.
KJ: KJ SMASH!
Question 2:
O Lord, how do you cure cancer?
- Caleb Jehovah
Answer: Shoot the original cancer guy with a silver bullet.
Waitaminute. JEHOVAH?!
Quadra Magic Ultima, Quadra Magic Ultima, Quadra Magic Ultima, Quadra Magic Ultima! Summon! Knights of the Round! Mime!
Question 3:
I'm gay and I want to suck your dick! How much?
- Dan Perang
Answer: FUCK YOU, BITCH! USD400 million.
Question 4:
I am a 15 year old slut-ho whore-priestess. I want to fuck a goat. How?
Answer: Purchase a goat. RM400? Who gives a shit? Okay, steal a goat. Take the goat out to lunch (dinners are so passe and goats are diurnal, not nocturnal).
Then, after you got some chemistry going (crystal meth), propose to it and then douse yourself with gasoline and light yourself up with a wind-proof lighter. Then bang your head on the wall.
Then charge your funeral on the goat.
This is how you fuck a goat.
Alternatively, flash your smelly vagina to a PIS-M man.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Butt-Man and Rubbin
HEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRREEEE'S Rubbin'(Jason Todd)!:
Honestly, I do not like the idea of Anwar Ibrahim being the next PM. I do not trust the man. But I don't hate him or anything, because that would be a waste of my time.
And I especially DO NOT hate him EVEN IF he is a buttfucker.
I mean, big butt-fucking deal, man.
What's so wrong with butt-fucking? People who butt-fuck other men takes themselves and the butt-fuckees out of the market. MY heterosexual market. Means more pussy for me.
Who Anwar butt-fucks, IF he did butt-fuck, is none of my fucking business. It is only the business of Wan Azizah and their daughter Nurul Izzah and their families, if they are buggered by all this. And the Law, I guess, cause I think it's illegal or something.
Same argument for Datuk Chua Soi Lek. I got no beef with him for having sex with a younger woman. Or for being a porn star. The more the merrier.
The only people he has to answer to were his wife and family members. Not the motherfucking public.
So IF Anwar is indeed a Butt-Man and this guy is his new Rubbin', then go. Butt-fuck off and die. Who gives a shit? Huh? WHo gives a butt-fuck?
Well, to be anal about it, he DOES look like Sukma (Dick Grayson), somwewhat, keeping with the conti of the type of men Anwar likes, IF he was and still is a butt-fucker.
Leave the man to butt-fuck in peace. IF he is butt-fucking.
UNLESS...it was butt-rape.
Stop Rape! Stop Butt-Rape!
Butt-rape is NOT COOL. Surprise Buttsex might be cute, but Butt-rape is a NO, even if your girl/boyfriend is a retard.
ButtMan: Hey, Rubbin'!
Rubbin': Hey. Nice Islamic front.
BM: Full Frontal, yo!
Rubbin': I wanna go to Heaven.
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and youre never cumming round
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my farts
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
BM: Turn around, bright ass..
Rubbin': Every now and then I fall apart.
BM: Turn around... bright ass
Rubbin': Every now and then I fall apart
Rubbin': And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your dick is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and I'm always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only in a fucking mess
Theres nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the ass
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the ass
Honestly, I do not like the idea of Anwar Ibrahim being the next PM. I do not trust the man. But I don't hate him or anything, because that would be a waste of my time.
And I especially DO NOT hate him EVEN IF he is a buttfucker.
I mean, big butt-fucking deal, man.
What's so wrong with butt-fucking? People who butt-fuck other men takes themselves and the butt-fuckees out of the market. MY heterosexual market. Means more pussy for me.
Who Anwar butt-fucks, IF he did butt-fuck, is none of my fucking business. It is only the business of Wan Azizah and their daughter Nurul Izzah and their families, if they are buggered by all this. And the Law, I guess, cause I think it's illegal or something.
Same argument for Datuk Chua Soi Lek. I got no beef with him for having sex with a younger woman. Or for being a porn star. The more the merrier.
The only people he has to answer to were his wife and family members. Not the motherfucking public.
So IF Anwar is indeed a Butt-Man and this guy is his new Rubbin', then go. Butt-fuck off and die. Who gives a shit? Huh? WHo gives a butt-fuck?
Well, to be anal about it, he DOES look like Sukma (Dick Grayson), somwewhat, keeping with the conti of the type of men Anwar likes, IF he was and still is a butt-fucker.
Leave the man to butt-fuck in peace. IF he is butt-fucking.
UNLESS...it was butt-rape.
Stop Rape! Stop Butt-Rape!
Butt-rape is NOT COOL. Surprise Buttsex might be cute, but Butt-rape is a NO, even if your girl/boyfriend is a retard.
ButtMan: Hey, Rubbin'!
Rubbin': Hey. Nice Islamic front.
BM: Full Frontal, yo!
Rubbin': I wanna go to Heaven.
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and youre never cumming round
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my farts
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
BM: Turn around...
Rubbin': Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
BM: Turn around, bright ass..
Rubbin': Every now and then I fall apart.
BM: Turn around... bright ass
Rubbin': Every now and then I fall apart
Rubbin': And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if youll only hold me tight
Well be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause well never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your dick is like a shadow on me all of the time
I dont know what to do and I'm always in the dark
Were living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Forevers gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now Im only in a fucking mess
Theres nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the ass
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now theres only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the ass
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Stop Rape!
I was driving with a friend of mine around town when I saw this huge billboard.
The billboard had these humorous, I mean, humongous letters on them spelling STOP RAPE!
Upon seeing that billboard, I immediately turned to my friend, who was driving, and said, "Yep, I is gonna stop rape."
And he was like, "Yeah, man. We is gonna stop rape."
"But first," I said, "lunch."
So we pulled over at a rat-infested stall and started eating.
There were fried lungs, tongue, liver, heart and for some reason, my friend had some intestines as well. I FUCKING HATE intestines. I don't see any reason why I should enjoy eating shit-tubes.
Anyway.
"So," I said. "Stop rape. It's so fucking catchy, man."
Friend: True, true.
Me: I mean, as soon as I saw the RM50,000 billboard, I immediately want to stop rape.
F: Wait. Are you going to stop raping people or are you going to stop rape itself?
Me: Gee. That's a tough one. Lemme think.
To facilitate my thinking, I went to a cafe nearby and used their toilet to take a shit.
After I finished, I found my friend outside, browsing through a RM2 shop.
"Let's go," I said.
Friend: Where? To stop rape?
Me: Nah. I want to take a nap. Maybe jack off to some porn. Where do you go anyway, if you want to stop rape?
F: Rape centers or some shit?
Me: Hmmm. Okay. Let's go to one of them rape centres. You got money?
F: Some.
So we went to the rape center and we stopped rape.
The billboard had these humorous, I mean, humongous letters on them spelling STOP RAPE!
Upon seeing that billboard, I immediately turned to my friend, who was driving, and said, "Yep, I is gonna stop rape."
And he was like, "Yeah, man. We is gonna stop rape."
"But first," I said, "lunch."
So we pulled over at a rat-infested stall and started eating.
There were fried lungs, tongue, liver, heart and for some reason, my friend had some intestines as well. I FUCKING HATE intestines. I don't see any reason why I should enjoy eating shit-tubes.
Anyway.
"So," I said. "Stop rape. It's so fucking catchy, man."
Friend: True, true.
Me: I mean, as soon as I saw the RM50,000 billboard, I immediately want to stop rape.
F: Wait. Are you going to stop raping people or are you going to stop rape itself?
Me: Gee. That's a tough one. Lemme think.
To facilitate my thinking, I went to a cafe nearby and used their toilet to take a shit.
After I finished, I found my friend outside, browsing through a RM2 shop.
"Let's go," I said.
Friend: Where? To stop rape?
Me: Nah. I want to take a nap. Maybe jack off to some porn. Where do you go anyway, if you want to stop rape?
F: Rape centers or some shit?
Me: Hmmm. Okay. Let's go to one of them rape centres. You got money?
F: Some.
So we went to the rape center and we stopped rape.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Tales from the Drunk Side: Jaka Denial and Coke
There's nothing else for me to do now other than wait for the millions to come rolling in.
You politicians always like to stall things. And then, four years later, have to pay ten times the cost. Stupid.
Like the monorail/LRT project to Putrajaya. When Dr M got it rolling, it was worth a billion-kajillion dollars. Then They cancelled it. Now they want to resurrect the project due to public pressure. I guess people are pissed off that they can't afford to put petrol in their tanks. Oh. Gee. Smack my ass and call me a bitch. That was a surprise.
Now, the bloody thing will cost ten bllion-kajillion dollars. Plus bribes, it's about 30 billion-kajillion dollars. As all bribes are roughly 200% of the actual cost.
Oh well. I hope they give me a few billion-kajillion dollars before they run out. It's not infinite, you know, the amount you can embezzle before you are put in the same category as wossisname - Mugabe? I don't know.
I just want to make enough money to open a chain of go go bars in Thailand before everything is robbed from this country. Is that not a reasonable thing to ask?
You politicians always like to stall things. And then, four years later, have to pay ten times the cost. Stupid.
Like the monorail/LRT project to Putrajaya. When Dr M got it rolling, it was worth a billion-kajillion dollars. Then They cancelled it. Now they want to resurrect the project due to public pressure. I guess people are pissed off that they can't afford to put petrol in their tanks. Oh. Gee. Smack my ass and call me a bitch. That was a surprise.
Now, the bloody thing will cost ten bllion-kajillion dollars. Plus bribes, it's about 30 billion-kajillion dollars. As all bribes are roughly 200% of the actual cost.
Oh well. I hope they give me a few billion-kajillion dollars before they run out. It's not infinite, you know, the amount you can embezzle before you are put in the same category as wossisname - Mugabe? I don't know.
I just want to make enough money to open a chain of go go bars in Thailand before everything is robbed from this country. Is that not a reasonable thing to ask?
Tales from the Drunk Side: ...Along Comes a Candle
Erasmus Fry said, "Writers are liars, my dear."
Well, he said it in Sandman - Neil Gaiman's masterpiece, his Opus - as a comic character.
I honestly don't know why I wrote that. I am quite lugubrious at the moment. Quite high. Spent the whole night talking about conspiracy theories with Rocky and some spies and agents of Dr M and Najib.
Now I know all your fucking secrets. All you motherfucking politicians better give me money soon. Or I'll expose you. And for USD400 million, I'll give you Rocky.
C'mon. man. It's chump change for all a you fuckers. Just give me the fucking money.
Anyway, Erasmus Fry. He was a motherfucker. He kept a muse in his attic. Her name was Calliope. Kall-ee-o-pee. Or some shit. The youngest of the Pleidas.
Oh, how I wish I was raped and killed by the Baccae - the sisters of the Frenzy. The spurned lovers of the God Dyonisus or was it Dionysius. Goddamn stupid Greek names.
I wish I had a muse I could rape.
Yeah.
I'd capture her on a mountain somewhere. Using the old secrets. Burning her scroll and a garlic-rose or some shit.
One girl asked me the other night, "I thought you wanted a girlfriend?"
My response? "People hear what they want to hear."
I am already in love - with a city.
"A SITI?" Idiots would ask.
"No," I said, "A city. Bangkok."
I love Bangkok. Bangkok is my mecca.
Bangkok is my reason for living. So send me to fucking Bangkok. There exists nothing else other than Bangkok.
Lalalalalala.
My madness, my madness keeps me sane.
Say, Freud said that when you dream of flying, you're actually dreaming of sex, then what does it mean when you dream of having sex?
Random, random, random bullshit we will go.
You want to know what's going on inside my head?
Sure you do!
How come Thai pussies have no smell?
I was reliably informed that I am a good fuck.
I was reliably informed that women will stay beaten up for nothing.
I think that getting beaten up is stupid. I tried to assert that getting beaten up physically, emotional or mentally is stupid, so that women can go on with their emancipation, but all they want is to be a victim.
Hey, I TRIED to make abuse uncool, but all women want to do is to protect their victim stories. What gives?
You think I don't know what it's like to be emotionally abused? Fuck you.
I am the greatest.
Worship me and we can all go to hell together. That's what you want, right? To go to hell.
Well, hell is other people. Rimbaud? Rambo? Robocop?
Whatever.
Well, he said it in Sandman - Neil Gaiman's masterpiece, his Opus - as a comic character.
I honestly don't know why I wrote that. I am quite lugubrious at the moment. Quite high. Spent the whole night talking about conspiracy theories with Rocky and some spies and agents of Dr M and Najib.
Now I know all your fucking secrets. All you motherfucking politicians better give me money soon. Or I'll expose you. And for USD400 million, I'll give you Rocky.
C'mon. man. It's chump change for all a you fuckers. Just give me the fucking money.
Anyway, Erasmus Fry. He was a motherfucker. He kept a muse in his attic. Her name was Calliope. Kall-ee-o-pee. Or some shit. The youngest of the Pleidas.
Oh, how I wish I was raped and killed by the Baccae - the sisters of the Frenzy. The spurned lovers of the God Dyonisus or was it Dionysius. Goddamn stupid Greek names.
I wish I had a muse I could rape.
Yeah.
I'd capture her on a mountain somewhere. Using the old secrets. Burning her scroll and a garlic-rose or some shit.
One girl asked me the other night, "I thought you wanted a girlfriend?"
My response? "People hear what they want to hear."
I am already in love - with a city.
"A SITI?" Idiots would ask.
"No," I said, "A city. Bangkok."
I love Bangkok. Bangkok is my mecca.
Bangkok is my reason for living. So send me to fucking Bangkok. There exists nothing else other than Bangkok.
Lalalalalala.
My madness, my madness keeps me sane.
Say, Freud said that when you dream of flying, you're actually dreaming of sex, then what does it mean when you dream of having sex?
Random, random, random bullshit we will go.
You want to know what's going on inside my head?
Sure you do!
How come Thai pussies have no smell?
I was reliably informed that I am a good fuck.
I was reliably informed that women will stay beaten up for nothing.
I think that getting beaten up is stupid. I tried to assert that getting beaten up physically, emotional or mentally is stupid, so that women can go on with their emancipation, but all they want is to be a victim.
Hey, I TRIED to make abuse uncool, but all women want to do is to protect their victim stories. What gives?
You think I don't know what it's like to be emotionally abused? Fuck you.
I am the greatest.
Worship me and we can all go to hell together. That's what you want, right? To go to hell.
Well, hell is other people. Rimbaud? Rambo? Robocop?
Whatever.
Tales from the Drunk Side: Internet Blackmail
For those of you who didn't know, be reliably informed that I am Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak's nephew.
Seriously. Tun Razak and my grandfather were cousins. When Tun Razak went to KL to become the Minister of Education or whatever, the person he consulted was my grandfather. He asked my grandfather to join him in governing the country, but the old man was more interested in his durian trees.\
I am not so agriculturally inclined.
Therefore, when Najib becomes the Prime Minister, I will be the next KJ. Despite Raja Petra Kamarudin's supposedly reliably informed allegations that Aunt Rosmah was involved with some huge crime, I hereby stand by my family and say that that is bollocks.
In return, I would like to ask for 40 APs. Not 1,200, but just 40. C'mon, man. I need that money. QAnd always be reliably informed that I am not someone you want to go against.
I have seen my enemies die or kneel in despair after slighting me.
And you don't want to be associated with the likes of me either, because I can bring down your political career with a snap of my fingers.
So, just give me the fucking APs la. Then I will leave the country and everyone will be happy.
Better yet, just give me USD 400 million and we'll call it evens.
Seriously. Tun Razak and my grandfather were cousins. When Tun Razak went to KL to become the Minister of Education or whatever, the person he consulted was my grandfather. He asked my grandfather to join him in governing the country, but the old man was more interested in his durian trees.\
I am not so agriculturally inclined.
Therefore, when Najib becomes the Prime Minister, I will be the next KJ. Despite Raja Petra Kamarudin's supposedly reliably informed allegations that Aunt Rosmah was involved with some huge crime, I hereby stand by my family and say that that is bollocks.
In return, I would like to ask for 40 APs. Not 1,200, but just 40. C'mon, man. I need that money. QAnd always be reliably informed that I am not someone you want to go against.
I have seen my enemies die or kneel in despair after slighting me.
And you don't want to be associated with the likes of me either, because I can bring down your political career with a snap of my fingers.
So, just give me the fucking APs la. Then I will leave the country and everyone will be happy.
Better yet, just give me USD 400 million and we'll call it evens.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tales from the Drunk Side: The Sacred Feminine
Vi vagina veniversum vivus vici.
Translation: By the power of the vagina, I, while living, have conquered the universe.
I stole that from Dr Faust. Okay, I stole it from V for Vendetta (comics. not the stupid movie. They should have re-titled the movie S for Stupid for its sheer stupidity) which stole it from Faust.
You'll never believe me, but I am some sort of feminist.
I really am.
In the past, I thought that women hold the key to a better tomorrow. And not because of that John Woo movie.
This thought arose from my time spent in an all-male world - high school. I went to an all-boys boarding school, paid for by the Government. I would have said thank you and brandished my keris once or twice except for the fact that at this school, I had to watch my ass.
See, rampant child molestation and rape was happening all the time. Kids got beaten up for sleeping together by child-raping seniors. Or for walking in a certain way. Or for having too many buckles on their pants.
One kid got beaten up by a prefect because the prefect was too stressed from studying.
I saw one kid got beaten up so bad, he shat his pants.
Ever saw the movie Sleepers? Something like that.
So this, I realized, is a world controlled entirely by men. We were cowered into almost superstitious bullshit of 'outside' boys beating us up. And the eternal myth of strength in numbers.
The greatest fear was losing one's cool, one's street-rep. This was the beginning of my distrust with society and community as well as being 'of one mind'. The hive-mind.
As I slept away my teenage years, as I was forced to do 400 squats before I could eat, as I blew on the flourescent lights before I could go to sleep, as I participated in the endless cycle of violence and caste-making when I myself was a senior, I yearned for a more reasonable world. Because men, I thought at the time, are all boys. And boys will fuck each other up the ass if they thought it could make themselves look cool.
High school made me feel dirty, because I lived with no honor. I did not sstand up for what I believed in. I did not fight the good fight. I just slept and read books.
My only hope, then, was women.
Alas, when I left high-school, I discovered that one crushing truth. Women are stupid. Women are just as stupid as men are. In fact, it was not a matter of gender, but of society. Of community.
ALL societies, ALL communities are evil. The individual can only hope to lurk between its great shadows, and merely survive.
And thus I began my one-man war on society.
It wasn't until I discovered Thailand that I saw again the angelic vision of a world ruled by women. As I had seen it in my youth. In some parts of Thailand's bustling sex-trade, some women have managed to group together with a camaraderie I have only seen in comics and anime - like Frabnk Miller's Sin City's Old Town prostitutes and the planet ruled entirely by women in Gonzo Studio's Vandread.
The sisterhood was in place, but it was a fair one for men to co-exist as well. As punters. As motherfuckers.
My faith was restored.
A world ruled entirely by men would be something like Lordof the Flies. Fed with superstition and the illusion of the Macho Man Randy Savage, a world ruled entirely by men would be all about fucking each other in the ass.
At least, in a world ruled primarily by women, if you get raped, it would be a pleasurable experience.
Alas, I had to come back to Malaysia and face again the realities of THIS world.
So I joined the Oprah Book Club. If there is one sensible woman in this world, sans the self-promotion and theatrics, it would be that black priestess of power.
In fact, you combine the good attributes of Barrack Obama (black) and Hillary Rodham Clinton (woman), you get Oprah Winfrey (black woman).
In other words, to all the hot women out there, RAPE ME.
Translation: By the power of the vagina, I, while living, have conquered the universe.
I stole that from Dr Faust. Okay, I stole it from V for Vendetta (comics. not the stupid movie. They should have re-titled the movie S for Stupid for its sheer stupidity) which stole it from Faust.
You'll never believe me, but I am some sort of feminist.
I really am.
In the past, I thought that women hold the key to a better tomorrow. And not because of that John Woo movie.
This thought arose from my time spent in an all-male world - high school. I went to an all-boys boarding school, paid for by the Government. I would have said thank you and brandished my keris once or twice except for the fact that at this school, I had to watch my ass.
See, rampant child molestation and rape was happening all the time. Kids got beaten up for sleeping together by child-raping seniors. Or for walking in a certain way. Or for having too many buckles on their pants.
One kid got beaten up by a prefect because the prefect was too stressed from studying.
I saw one kid got beaten up so bad, he shat his pants.
Ever saw the movie Sleepers? Something like that.
So this, I realized, is a world controlled entirely by men. We were cowered into almost superstitious bullshit of 'outside' boys beating us up. And the eternal myth of strength in numbers.
The greatest fear was losing one's cool, one's street-rep. This was the beginning of my distrust with society and community as well as being 'of one mind'. The hive-mind.
As I slept away my teenage years, as I was forced to do 400 squats before I could eat, as I blew on the flourescent lights before I could go to sleep, as I participated in the endless cycle of violence and caste-making when I myself was a senior, I yearned for a more reasonable world. Because men, I thought at the time, are all boys. And boys will fuck each other up the ass if they thought it could make themselves look cool.
High school made me feel dirty, because I lived with no honor. I did not sstand up for what I believed in. I did not fight the good fight. I just slept and read books.
My only hope, then, was women.
Alas, when I left high-school, I discovered that one crushing truth. Women are stupid. Women are just as stupid as men are. In fact, it was not a matter of gender, but of society. Of community.
ALL societies, ALL communities are evil. The individual can only hope to lurk between its great shadows, and merely survive.
And thus I began my one-man war on society.
It wasn't until I discovered Thailand that I saw again the angelic vision of a world ruled by women. As I had seen it in my youth. In some parts of Thailand's bustling sex-trade, some women have managed to group together with a camaraderie I have only seen in comics and anime - like Frabnk Miller's Sin City's Old Town prostitutes and the planet ruled entirely by women in Gonzo Studio's Vandread.
The sisterhood was in place, but it was a fair one for men to co-exist as well. As punters. As motherfuckers.
My faith was restored.
A world ruled entirely by men would be something like Lordof the Flies. Fed with superstition and the illusion of the Macho Man Randy Savage, a world ruled entirely by men would be all about fucking each other in the ass.
At least, in a world ruled primarily by women, if you get raped, it would be a pleasurable experience.
Alas, I had to come back to Malaysia and face again the realities of THIS world.
So I joined the Oprah Book Club. If there is one sensible woman in this world, sans the self-promotion and theatrics, it would be that black priestess of power.
In fact, you combine the good attributes of Barrack Obama (black) and Hillary Rodham Clinton (woman), you get Oprah Winfrey (black woman).
In other words, to all the hot women out there, RAPE ME.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Public Service Announcement: It's the Blog Signal, Let's Go!
A number of weeks ago, I went into the National Press Club and saw Rocky, Nuraina, Bernard Khoo (Zorro) and a number of other people sitting at a table.
I was like, "What's happenin' here, pilgrims?"
And Rocky said, "Pull up a chair, youngblood."
And before I knew it, I was roped in to help set up a do, a thing, a party of sorts for bloggers to come and have wanton, rampant se - er- to celebrate 100 days after the elections.
I was supposed to help, but after giving some ideas, I have managed to be completely and utterly useless to the cause. Perhaps because my only real cause is for myself, and not other people.
I was supposed to invite some celebrities, but most I approached told me that they either have other things scheduled.
Fortunately, they were not relying on me at all and my failures will not reflect the failures of the event. If it were to fail.
Anyway, if you do not want it to fail, simply go to Rocky's and Zorro's blogs for more details.
I was like, "What's happenin' here, pilgrims?"
And Rocky said, "Pull up a chair, youngblood."
And before I knew it, I was roped in to help set up a do, a thing, a party of sorts for bloggers to come and have wanton, rampant se - er- to celebrate 100 days after the elections.
I was supposed to help, but after giving some ideas, I have managed to be completely and utterly useless to the cause. Perhaps because my only real cause is for myself, and not other people.
I was supposed to invite some celebrities, but most I approached told me that they either have other things scheduled.
Fortunately, they were not relying on me at all and my failures will not reflect the failures of the event. If it were to fail.
Anyway, if you do not want it to fail, simply go to Rocky's and Zorro's blogs for more details.
National Pornographic Sexplorer: tranCenDenz (Capital C, Capital D)
So Cheepork, the Earl of Cunt, took me to Angel Massage, which is just a short five minutes walk from the Phrom Pong skytrain station.
And he opened the door and he stepped inside.
Cheepork: Good morning, angels!
Angels: Good morning, Cheepork!
And you people ask me why I go to Bangkok.
I mean, seriously, going to Bangkok is a spiritual journey for me. It is the source of all power. It is the one place in the universe that makes perfect sense to me.
So by shifting my focus from all that I hate – the idiots in Malaysia - to what I love – the Thai girls – my whole life changes. My viewpoints, my stories, my negativity, my dreams and desire and despair – all shifts when I go to Bangkok.
The first girl I took to my hotel room in Pattaya was Mae.
After an initial conversation that included the future of the Thai agricultural sector, I started laying the smackdown – my victim stories.
Me: Everyone I ever helped backstabbed me in some way. Blah blah blah.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: You see, I hate lying. So people take advantage of my honesty. I want a world where I can be as honest as I want to be and no one would heckle me. A world where I can be pure id. No ego. No superego. Just pure, free id. Like an animal. Like a beast.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: Everyone judges everyone else. Show me a person who has never judged another human being and I will show you a spastic brain-dead half-chipmunk in a coma.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: There is a giant conspiracy against me. There are people conspiring behind my back to get me to do things I don’t want or to change into something I’m not. So that they would have complete control over me. So that they can feel superior and feed their own stupid insecurities.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: See, it’s because of their stupid low self-worth. They need to put other people down or get them under their control so that they can feel big. Most have been victimised their entire lives, so they want to inflict the same kind of pain to other people. They want other people to be like them. To suffer like them. Because misery loves company.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: They feed their own ego with other people’s sufferings. They laugh and make fun of and put down other people. “Putting them in their place” because they are afraid that other people might be experiencing a better life. A better truth.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: Some are just plain downright righteous. I know, because I am the most righteous motherfucker ever. Some just want to use people. Others want to laugh at people, because laughing at other people somehow convinces their ego-selves that they are superior.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: These people will never know true happiness. Because they’re idiots.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: I hate people.
Mae: Nut?
Me: What?
Mae: You want nuts?
Me: Ah. Pistachio. Nah. Trying to keep cholesterol levels down. You go ahead.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: Say, that’s TRUE!
Mae: Mmph?
Me: What you said. It’s absolutely true!
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: See, it’s their egos talking. Doing the shit they do. Trying to pull me down to their level. Misery loves company. If I fall to their level, then I will also be pure ego. I will be like them. Goddamn!
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. I finish first?
Me: What?
Mae: You finish? I finish first?
Me: Yes! YES! Everything will be finished! The impermanence of everything! This, too, shall pass. Nothing is forever so who the fuck gives a shit? I…DON’T…GIVE …A…FUCK…ANYMORE!
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Easier said than done. It took two go go girls and another massage girl later that I began to lose interest in my victim stories. That I finally started my ascent beyond ego and paranoia – justified or not – and went ever closer to transcendence.
At Angel Massage, I met a girl who manhandled me in every which way and forced me to look into the mirror.
Ann: Narak.
Me: What?
Ann: Narak. It means ‘handsome guy’.
Me: Ah. You’re just saying that so I would give you more money. Well, I won’t.
Ann: I don’t want more money. Just look in the mirror. Narak.
Me: Bah. Handsome. Ugly. Just another label.
Ann: What you do? Your work?
Me: I’m a writer.
Ann: Label.
Me: Holy shit! You mean, all the things I see myself in – my work, my apartment, my phone, my computer, my whatever - are all just labels I attached to myself in fear of losing my identity? My identity…my self…my…ego?
Ann: Look. Narak.
Me: And to you, I’m just what I am right now? A handsome guy? This is the me, the only me that you recognize? The me of the moment? Free of all the other bullshit. All the other…STUFF?
The movie Star Trek: Insurrection has characters who talk of living in one perfect moment after another as the key to longevity. Of immortality.
Neon Genesis Evangelion explores the concept of Absolute Terror field (AT field) – a thin psionic membrane that keeps every one and every thing separated. Call the AT field what you will – ego, a sense of self, identity – it is the one thing that keeps everyone from being one with each other and with the universe.
It is the abject fear of losing one’s self. Though past holy men and philosophers and drug addicts alike strived to break this barrier down and tell people that they are part of each other and part of the universe itself. Buddha, Jesus, Mohamed, Hideaki Anno, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Nit-Shit, Moliere, Jung, Freud. Plato’s ideas. And that stupid heretic Aristotle’s bullshit as well as others try to dismantle the oneness with the universe with stupid things like caste and species and genus and what have you.
The easiest way to break through the AT field is through sex. Meditation works for some people, but sex has always proven to be extremely potent and easy to induce a thinning of AT fields.
Some people allow for limited opening and expansion of the AT field to include a group. This is even worse. This is when we have racism, bullying at school, workplace, and on national levels, it leads to war.
The modern Malays seek each other for those who are ‘sekepala’. Literally, “those of one head”. And we all know when a group of people share only one head, only one brain, we become stupid. It is only through the diversity of ideas and differing viewpoints and arguments that anything will grow.
The Japanese version of sekepala is ‘kangke’ and I saw a lot of Malay children follow this ‘kangke’ at UM while watching them capture one of their own and rubbing his genitals to a pillar or a wall. In Nazi Germany, it manifested in Aryan supremacy.
Me: I like to combine things that seem unrelated, like prostitution and philosophy, anime and self-awareness, comics and literature and just prove that they’re very similar. See, prostitution used to be the cornerstone of some civilisations. In ancient Babylon, they worshipped the Goddess Astarte. Ishtar. The goddess of love and sexual desire. And all priestesses have to become a prostitute for one day before they can ascend to become Ishtar’s holy-woman. Whore-priestesses. Animes such as NGE and Serial Experiment Lain and FLCL explore the dimension of awareness as the most vital part of existence. Quantum physics in the sense that no universe can exist without the mind entering into it. Comics, well, if you think about it, comics are the earliest forms of literature, of art. The cavemen drew comics on their walls. Sequential art. To convey a message. Comics exist in ideograms and further creep into cuneiform and symbolic alphabets, which is all alphabet. And some comics today are the most important works of literature ever done by mankind.
Ann: Narak.
Me: What-what-WHAT?
Ann: Narak.
Me: You mean to say that all this thinking, all this whatever shit, even parts of my GREAT WORK, are also just the egoistic me putting myself in other things in trying to define myself? That I should just enjoy myself as I am? I…am. I…AM. I AM!
Ann: Mmmphh. Mmpph. Mmmmmph.
Me: That there is no reason for me to become a mirror to society, unless I wish it? That I do not have to be burdened with the responsibility of the human race because if they’re meant to die or be stupid or be ‘sekepala’ then I should just let it be?
Ann: Mmmphh. Mmpph. Mmmmmph.
Me: That my job, my only role in this universe, in this life, is to not give a fuck? And also to give a fuck?
Ann: Mmmphh. Mmpph. Mmmmmph.
Wow.
No wonder this is called Angel Massage.
And he opened the door and he stepped inside.
Cheepork: Good morning, angels!
Angels: Good morning, Cheepork!
And you people ask me why I go to Bangkok.
I mean, seriously, going to Bangkok is a spiritual journey for me. It is the source of all power. It is the one place in the universe that makes perfect sense to me.
So by shifting my focus from all that I hate – the idiots in Malaysia - to what I love – the Thai girls – my whole life changes. My viewpoints, my stories, my negativity, my dreams and desire and despair – all shifts when I go to Bangkok.
The first girl I took to my hotel room in Pattaya was Mae.
After an initial conversation that included the future of the Thai agricultural sector, I started laying the smackdown – my victim stories.
Me: Everyone I ever helped backstabbed me in some way. Blah blah blah.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: You see, I hate lying. So people take advantage of my honesty. I want a world where I can be as honest as I want to be and no one would heckle me. A world where I can be pure id. No ego. No superego. Just pure, free id. Like an animal. Like a beast.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: Everyone judges everyone else. Show me a person who has never judged another human being and I will show you a spastic brain-dead half-chipmunk in a coma.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: There is a giant conspiracy against me. There are people conspiring behind my back to get me to do things I don’t want or to change into something I’m not. So that they would have complete control over me. So that they can feel superior and feed their own stupid insecurities.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: See, it’s because of their stupid low self-worth. They need to put other people down or get them under their control so that they can feel big. Most have been victimised their entire lives, so they want to inflict the same kind of pain to other people. They want other people to be like them. To suffer like them. Because misery loves company.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: They feed their own ego with other people’s sufferings. They laugh and make fun of and put down other people. “Putting them in their place” because they are afraid that other people might be experiencing a better life. A better truth.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: Some are just plain downright righteous. I know, because I am the most righteous motherfucker ever. Some just want to use people. Others want to laugh at people, because laughing at other people somehow convinces their ego-selves that they are superior.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: These people will never know true happiness. Because they’re idiots.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: I hate people.
Mae: Nut?
Me: What?
Mae: You want nuts?
Me: Ah. Pistachio. Nah. Trying to keep cholesterol levels down. You go ahead.
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: Say, that’s TRUE!
Mae: Mmph?
Me: What you said. It’s absolutely true!
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Me: See, it’s their egos talking. Doing the shit they do. Trying to pull me down to their level. Misery loves company. If I fall to their level, then I will also be pure ego. I will be like them. Goddamn!
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. I finish first?
Me: What?
Mae: You finish? I finish first?
Me: Yes! YES! Everything will be finished! The impermanence of everything! This, too, shall pass. Nothing is forever so who the fuck gives a shit? I…DON’T…GIVE …A…FUCK…ANYMORE!
Mae: Mmmph. Mmph. Mmmmmph.
Easier said than done. It took two go go girls and another massage girl later that I began to lose interest in my victim stories. That I finally started my ascent beyond ego and paranoia – justified or not – and went ever closer to transcendence.
At Angel Massage, I met a girl who manhandled me in every which way and forced me to look into the mirror.
Ann: Narak.
Me: What?
Ann: Narak. It means ‘handsome guy’.
Me: Ah. You’re just saying that so I would give you more money. Well, I won’t.
Ann: I don’t want more money. Just look in the mirror. Narak.
Me: Bah. Handsome. Ugly. Just another label.
Ann: What you do? Your work?
Me: I’m a writer.
Ann: Label.
Me: Holy shit! You mean, all the things I see myself in – my work, my apartment, my phone, my computer, my whatever - are all just labels I attached to myself in fear of losing my identity? My identity…my self…my…ego?
Ann: Look. Narak.
Me: And to you, I’m just what I am right now? A handsome guy? This is the me, the only me that you recognize? The me of the moment? Free of all the other bullshit. All the other…STUFF?
The movie Star Trek: Insurrection has characters who talk of living in one perfect moment after another as the key to longevity. Of immortality.
Neon Genesis Evangelion explores the concept of Absolute Terror field (AT field) – a thin psionic membrane that keeps every one and every thing separated. Call the AT field what you will – ego, a sense of self, identity – it is the one thing that keeps everyone from being one with each other and with the universe.
It is the abject fear of losing one’s self. Though past holy men and philosophers and drug addicts alike strived to break this barrier down and tell people that they are part of each other and part of the universe itself. Buddha, Jesus, Mohamed, Hideaki Anno, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Nit-Shit, Moliere, Jung, Freud. Plato’s ideas. And that stupid heretic Aristotle’s bullshit as well as others try to dismantle the oneness with the universe with stupid things like caste and species and genus and what have you.
The easiest way to break through the AT field is through sex. Meditation works for some people, but sex has always proven to be extremely potent and easy to induce a thinning of AT fields.
Some people allow for limited opening and expansion of the AT field to include a group. This is even worse. This is when we have racism, bullying at school, workplace, and on national levels, it leads to war.
The modern Malays seek each other for those who are ‘sekepala’. Literally, “those of one head”. And we all know when a group of people share only one head, only one brain, we become stupid. It is only through the diversity of ideas and differing viewpoints and arguments that anything will grow.
The Japanese version of sekepala is ‘kangke’ and I saw a lot of Malay children follow this ‘kangke’ at UM while watching them capture one of their own and rubbing his genitals to a pillar or a wall. In Nazi Germany, it manifested in Aryan supremacy.
Me: I like to combine things that seem unrelated, like prostitution and philosophy, anime and self-awareness, comics and literature and just prove that they’re very similar. See, prostitution used to be the cornerstone of some civilisations. In ancient Babylon, they worshipped the Goddess Astarte. Ishtar. The goddess of love and sexual desire. And all priestesses have to become a prostitute for one day before they can ascend to become Ishtar’s holy-woman. Whore-priestesses. Animes such as NGE and Serial Experiment Lain and FLCL explore the dimension of awareness as the most vital part of existence. Quantum physics in the sense that no universe can exist without the mind entering into it. Comics, well, if you think about it, comics are the earliest forms of literature, of art. The cavemen drew comics on their walls. Sequential art. To convey a message. Comics exist in ideograms and further creep into cuneiform and symbolic alphabets, which is all alphabet. And some comics today are the most important works of literature ever done by mankind.
Ann: Narak.
Me: What-what-WHAT?
Ann: Narak.
Me: You mean to say that all this thinking, all this whatever shit, even parts of my GREAT WORK, are also just the egoistic me putting myself in other things in trying to define myself? That I should just enjoy myself as I am? I…am. I…AM. I AM!
Ann: Mmmphh. Mmpph. Mmmmmph.
Me: That there is no reason for me to become a mirror to society, unless I wish it? That I do not have to be burdened with the responsibility of the human race because if they’re meant to die or be stupid or be ‘sekepala’ then I should just let it be?
Ann: Mmmphh. Mmpph. Mmmmmph.
Me: That my job, my only role in this universe, in this life, is to not give a fuck? And also to give a fuck?
Ann: Mmmphh. Mmpph. Mmmmmph.
Wow.
No wonder this is called Angel Massage.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Coming from the Ego
I woke up today and started looking at online pictures of old flames, absent friends, dead gods and blah blah blah.
I noticed one thing. ALL the women I considered fuckable five years ago are getting fat. I guess their hormones are winning the battle. And their thyroids must be whooped.
They're all getting fatter. While I become thinner. Muscular-er.
I WIN!
I noticed one thing. ALL the women I considered fuckable five years ago are getting fat. I guess their hormones are winning the battle. And their thyroids must be whooped.
They're all getting fatter. While I become thinner. Muscular-er.
I WIN!
Semusim Di Syurga: Fitna
Aku dah cakap. Mana-mana team yang awal-awal dah masuk fifth gear mesti takleh menang punya. Tengok la Euro 2004 dulu.
First Portugal, sekarang Holland la pulak keluar. Aku sungguh bahagia. Tu la. Sapa suruh jatuhkan Kesultanan Melayu Melaka? England dah awal-awal bungkus.
Aku sokong Turki dengan Rusia - Turki pasal diorang 'negara Islam' yang akan didiskriminasi sebagai orang gasar (barbarian) Eropah, dan Rusia pasal vodka.
Russian Vodka!
Russian Vodka!
Russian Vodka!
Russian philosophy: Big is always better.
Kepada peminat poyo Malaysia yang perasan Belanda:
Ko ambiklah t-shirt oren ko tuh, basuh elok-elok, lipat, lepas tu gulung, kemudian sumbat kat lubang jubur ko.
Kepada peminat poyo Cristiano Ronaldo pasal dia hensem:
Ko ambiklah gambar dia kat internet, print besar-besar, masuk dalam tandas, lepas tu lancaplah sesuka hati.
Hari yang bahagia. Bahagianyaaaaaa...
First Portugal, sekarang Holland la pulak keluar. Aku sungguh bahagia. Tu la. Sapa suruh jatuhkan Kesultanan Melayu Melaka? England dah awal-awal bungkus.
Aku sokong Turki dengan Rusia - Turki pasal diorang 'negara Islam' yang akan didiskriminasi sebagai orang gasar (barbarian) Eropah, dan Rusia pasal vodka.
Russian Vodka!
Russian Vodka!
Russian Vodka!
Russian philosophy: Big is always better.
Kepada peminat poyo Malaysia yang perasan Belanda:
Ko ambiklah t-shirt oren ko tuh, basuh elok-elok, lipat, lepas tu gulung, kemudian sumbat kat lubang jubur ko.
Kepada peminat poyo Cristiano Ronaldo pasal dia hensem:
Ko ambiklah gambar dia kat internet, print besar-besar, masuk dalam tandas, lepas tu lancaplah sesuka hati.
Hari yang bahagia. Bahagianyaaaaaa...
Intermission: My Message to the World
I was going to write about the secret to life furnished by Neon Genesis Evangelion - a Japanese anime - the writer Eckhart Tolle and Thai prostitutes.
But I was distracted with two documentaries about paleontology and the C-grade movie Dead or Alive.
I am also not in the mood to detail my fantastic journey to the center of Bangkok. Not yet. That would be for next week.
I am feeling rather smug and contented right now. And calm. Also got loads of stuff to do.
So, for now, I just have this message to the world:
BALLS LAH!
But I was distracted with two documentaries about paleontology and the C-grade movie Dead or Alive.
I am also not in the mood to detail my fantastic journey to the center of Bangkok. Not yet. That would be for next week.
I am feeling rather smug and contented right now. And calm. Also got loads of stuff to do.
So, for now, I just have this message to the world:
BALLS LAH!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Fucking the Light Fuck-tastic
I interrupt our regular programme for this important message.
As the world's greatest economist, I must say that we are all fucked.
For the past few years, we have had our asses kicked by Thailand, Indonesia, Myanmar, Laos and Vietnam. And I'm not even talking football here. I'm talking about business.
Nikon opened their plants in Thailand. Toyota and Honda as well. Some companies are opting for Vietnam, Myanmar and even Indonesia. Because they have cheap labour. Meanwhile, for the past several years, Temasek, Singapore's company, have been making strategic investments and now the island nation is poised to become a financial hub for SOutheast Asia. Something like being the Switzerland of SEA or even Asia.
We do not have cheap labour because our grunts want more money than their counterparts in other SEA countries. We do not have skilled labourers because we keep treating some of our best minds badly and chase them out of the country with low pay and general stupidity.
The only edge we HAD against everyone else was our oil. With the subsidy in place, we COULD HAVE kept operating expenses low, attracted ships here to refuel, or keeping electricity bills down and manage to keep fleets of diesel-fueled lorries on the roads.
THAT would have been the attraction for foreign investors to come here as the rest of the world jumps from one foot to another with soaring fuel prices.
Sure, the Thais would have taken advantage of this, but it's only losing a few billion and they're quite nice people. Imagine all the billions we COULD HAVE been making with the attraction of low operating expenses.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Somebody's children and SOMEBODY'S son-in-law and their friends need some quick cash before the Government change hands. Some people need to make billions while the sun shines.
Thousands of APs for hybrid cars have been distributed, showing exactly where this is going. In this time of manufactured crisis, somebody is going to make money, and it won't be you and me.
Man. These monkeys can only think two or three steps ahead while geniuses like me think 5,000 years to the future.
In 5,000 years, the only living things would be giant cockroaches. And I bet they would not have any problems with oil, as they would be relying on nuclear energy. See, roaches are immune to some forms of radiation.
Anyway, I'm getting too far ahead of myself. We are all FUCKED. Recession is coming and our strategy is deflation. That is worse than inflation. In fact, Dr M adopted a different strategy - something totally opposite to what the people in power are doing.
The current whatever is now cutting expenses, in the hopes of having enough funds to embezzle when they get out of office. What they are doing is basically cutting of circulation, impeding the bloodflow of the country by cutting all expenses.
Dr M went for the opposite. He spent even MORE money because he understood that in order to make money, you have to spend money.
But who cares right? Who gives a shit? As long as you have enough money to pay for a plate of ubiquituous rice and pay for fuel and have sex on the side with a hooker, everything is all right, right?
Fuck everything else. Who the fuck gives a shit about the country? We're all fucked. We're all doomed. Ho-hum.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get high.
As the world's greatest economist, I must say that we are all fucked.
For the past few years, we have had our asses kicked by Thailand, Indonesia, Myanmar, Laos and Vietnam. And I'm not even talking football here. I'm talking about business.
Nikon opened their plants in Thailand. Toyota and Honda as well. Some companies are opting for Vietnam, Myanmar and even Indonesia. Because they have cheap labour. Meanwhile, for the past several years, Temasek, Singapore's company, have been making strategic investments and now the island nation is poised to become a financial hub for SOutheast Asia. Something like being the Switzerland of SEA or even Asia.
We do not have cheap labour because our grunts want more money than their counterparts in other SEA countries. We do not have skilled labourers because we keep treating some of our best minds badly and chase them out of the country with low pay and general stupidity.
The only edge we HAD against everyone else was our oil. With the subsidy in place, we COULD HAVE kept operating expenses low, attracted ships here to refuel, or keeping electricity bills down and manage to keep fleets of diesel-fueled lorries on the roads.
THAT would have been the attraction for foreign investors to come here as the rest of the world jumps from one foot to another with soaring fuel prices.
Sure, the Thais would have taken advantage of this, but it's only losing a few billion and they're quite nice people. Imagine all the billions we COULD HAVE been making with the attraction of low operating expenses.
But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Somebody's children and SOMEBODY'S son-in-law and their friends need some quick cash before the Government change hands. Some people need to make billions while the sun shines.
Thousands of APs for hybrid cars have been distributed, showing exactly where this is going. In this time of manufactured crisis, somebody is going to make money, and it won't be you and me.
Man. These monkeys can only think two or three steps ahead while geniuses like me think 5,000 years to the future.
In 5,000 years, the only living things would be giant cockroaches. And I bet they would not have any problems with oil, as they would be relying on nuclear energy. See, roaches are immune to some forms of radiation.
Anyway, I'm getting too far ahead of myself. We are all FUCKED. Recession is coming and our strategy is deflation. That is worse than inflation. In fact, Dr M adopted a different strategy - something totally opposite to what the people in power are doing.
The current whatever is now cutting expenses, in the hopes of having enough funds to embezzle when they get out of office. What they are doing is basically cutting of circulation, impeding the bloodflow of the country by cutting all expenses.
Dr M went for the opposite. He spent even MORE money because he understood that in order to make money, you have to spend money.
But who cares right? Who gives a shit? As long as you have enough money to pay for a plate of ubiquituous rice and pay for fuel and have sex on the side with a hooker, everything is all right, right?
Fuck everything else. Who the fuck gives a shit about the country? We're all fucked. We're all doomed. Ho-hum.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get high.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Semusim di Syurga: Semusim di Syurga Bersama Sasterawan Negara
AKU DI SYURGA
Aku di syurga
Aku kena rogol, tapi aku suka
Jadi esoknya aku kembali ke sana
Mencari imbasan apa yang aku rasa
Masa berjalan pantat, eh maksud aku pantas
Di Bangkok- bandar yang sukar melintas
jalan. Pasal banyak kereta dan bas.
Tapi takpe, pasal ribuan tetek yang senang diramas
Ada tiga sungai, kat syurga
Kata mereka
Mungkin salah satu ialah Chao Phraya
Ataupun terusan konkrit lebuhraya Rama
Aku tak mau hidup dalam dunia tanpa Bangkok
Tanpa gadis-gadis siam yang sanggup membengkok-
kan badan dengan kepala lentok
sibuk sebab they like to suck my ... erm...Ragnarok
Aku di syurga
Aku kena rogol, tapi aku suka
Jadi esoknya aku kembali ke sana
Mencari imbasan apa yang aku rasa
Masa berjalan pantat, eh maksud aku pantas
Di Bangkok- bandar yang sukar melintas
jalan. Pasal banyak kereta dan bas.
Tapi takpe, pasal ribuan tetek yang senang diramas
Ada tiga sungai, kat syurga
Kata mereka
Mungkin salah satu ialah Chao Phraya
Ataupun terusan konkrit lebuhraya Rama
Aku tak mau hidup dalam dunia tanpa Bangkok
Tanpa gadis-gadis siam yang sanggup membengkok-
kan badan dengan kepala lentok
sibuk sebab they like to suck my ... erm...Ragnarok
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
National Pornographic Sexplorer: Under the Yggdrasil Tree
I went to work today and some people were puzzled by my lack of giving a fuck. It's just a side effect of having been in Bangkok. I just don't give a fuck anymore.
You can say that I have reached the pinnacle of Nirvana.
This is me in Bangkok, summed up in this song:
And what the hell:
You can say that I have reached the pinnacle of Nirvana.
This is me in Bangkok, summed up in this song:
And what the hell:
National Pornographic Sexplorer: Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku
THEME SONG:
Te-te-te-teeeee-teng
Te-te-te-te-te-te-te-teh-TENG
Doong doong!
After seeing the pimp signal in the sky for the past few weeks, The Earl of Cunt and I - Count Clitoris - booked a flight to Bangkok.
The original plan was to spend two nights in Pattaya and then one night in Bangkok. We have never been to Pattaya before, despite making a combined 26 trips to Thailand between the both of us.
So we arrived at Suvarnabhumi airport at around 10.30am on Thursday. Already, I could feel my cells receiving the energy of Thailand. I could finally remember what it felt like to have superpowers.
Then we went to Level 1 of the airport to board a bus. It's an express bus by Bell Travel Services. They will take you to Pattaya in around 1 hour and 40 minutes without stopping. The cost is a measly RM15 or THB150 per person. As opposed to going there by cab, which would set you back by RM150 or THB1500. From no on, everything in Thai Baht.
There is another alternative - the BangBus. This is basically a bus with two hookers in it. Just for you. So you can fuck while on your way to Pattaya. No point wasting the hour and a half, right? Well, the BangBus costs around THB10,000. Because of the extra service.
So we didn't take it.
We took the normal express buss. And it took us right to the Pattaya bus terminal. After that, as part of the THB15 we paid, they have a van service to take us to anywhere we want in Pattaya.
The first thing we noticed with Pattaya is the fact that it's not user friendly and definitely not for beginners. Even us, the two Knights of Bukkake, the town was a maze of sex and more sex. And it was fairly hard to get around.
And Cheepork, the Earl of Cunt, had this thing for walking around and finding the perfect place to stay before committing any precious Thai baht.
So we walked. And walked. And walked. Without getting a proper feel for the place. SO I suggested we hail one of the pickup-trucks they transformed as cabs and take us on a Pattaya tour. They driver quoted THB200 for a 30 minute ride.
The insight we got from riding the truck was priceless. We finally figured out where things were. And then, we went and stayed at Secrets, at Walking Street, because it is close to all the places we wanted to go - Living Dollhouse Showcase, Living Dollhouse 1, Angelwitch, Lucifer Disco, Baby Dolls, et cetera.
Secrets is basically the best thing in Pattaya. It has nice, comfortable rooms, a well-stocked mini bar complete with condoms, an electronic safe deposit box and a decent menu. It is also connected to a restaurant as well as a bar. You can even order girls up to your room, if that is your fancy.
And finally, the TV set. Secrets boasts of more than 60 channels and the first thing Cheepork and I did was to watch an old episode of Superfriends.
The episode had Samurai, the only Asian character in the series, spinning around in a green leotard thingy.
Yeah, he looks like that.
So we decided to adopt the Samurai's catchphrase. Whenever we want to get out of a place, or if we ever encounter a 'monster' or a 'weapon' or a ladyboy, it is best to make our getaway while yelling KAZE NO YOOOOOOO NI HAYAKU!
And that's what we did. The Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku maneuver is vital for us to experience all of Pattaya in just one night. Cause there are simply too many A Go Gos and places to visit.
And that's what we did. We would go to a go go bar and order one drink each. And then yell Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku! and off we go.
Using this technique, wewent to X-Zone, Club Boesche (pronounced Bush. Geddit?), Lucifer Disco, Living Dollhouse Showcase and Living Dollhouse 1. Unble to find Hell Club, we went to Heaven's Above, where Cheepork met Bam.
Then I Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku-ed on my own to What's Up and Angelwitch. Then I found Mae in one of the earlier clubs and I barfined her. Apparently, barfines in Pattaya have increased this time of year.
No matter. We won't be going there again as Bangkok is so much better.
After spending one night in Pattaya, Cheepork and I decided to go to Bangkok and spend the rest of our time in Thailand there. Cause Cheepork was whining that the girsl are not as beautiful as the ones in Bangkok.
Even though Secrets is a fantastic guesthouse. And Mae is an amazing conversationist.
Anyway, we Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku-ed to Bangkok in a cab which cost us THB800 plus THB100 for toll.
Tips and full review of Pattaya later. But for now, Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku!
THEME SONG:
Te-te-te-teeeee-teng
Te-te-te-te-te-te-te-teh-TENG
Doong doong!
Te-te-te-teeeee-teng
Te-te-te-te-te-te-te-teh-TENG
Doong doong!
After seeing the pimp signal in the sky for the past few weeks, The Earl of Cunt and I - Count Clitoris - booked a flight to Bangkok.
The original plan was to spend two nights in Pattaya and then one night in Bangkok. We have never been to Pattaya before, despite making a combined 26 trips to Thailand between the both of us.
So we arrived at Suvarnabhumi airport at around 10.30am on Thursday. Already, I could feel my cells receiving the energy of Thailand. I could finally remember what it felt like to have superpowers.
Then we went to Level 1 of the airport to board a bus. It's an express bus by Bell Travel Services. They will take you to Pattaya in around 1 hour and 40 minutes without stopping. The cost is a measly RM15 or THB150 per person. As opposed to going there by cab, which would set you back by RM150 or THB1500. From no on, everything in Thai Baht.
There is another alternative - the BangBus. This is basically a bus with two hookers in it. Just for you. So you can fuck while on your way to Pattaya. No point wasting the hour and a half, right? Well, the BangBus costs around THB10,000. Because of the extra service.
So we didn't take it.
We took the normal express buss. And it took us right to the Pattaya bus terminal. After that, as part of the THB15 we paid, they have a van service to take us to anywhere we want in Pattaya.
The first thing we noticed with Pattaya is the fact that it's not user friendly and definitely not for beginners. Even us, the two Knights of Bukkake, the town was a maze of sex and more sex. And it was fairly hard to get around.
And Cheepork, the Earl of Cunt, had this thing for walking around and finding the perfect place to stay before committing any precious Thai baht.
So we walked. And walked. And walked. Without getting a proper feel for the place. SO I suggested we hail one of the pickup-trucks they transformed as cabs and take us on a Pattaya tour. They driver quoted THB200 for a 30 minute ride.
The insight we got from riding the truck was priceless. We finally figured out where things were. And then, we went and stayed at Secrets, at Walking Street, because it is close to all the places we wanted to go - Living Dollhouse Showcase, Living Dollhouse 1, Angelwitch, Lucifer Disco, Baby Dolls, et cetera.
Secrets is basically the best thing in Pattaya. It has nice, comfortable rooms, a well-stocked mini bar complete with condoms, an electronic safe deposit box and a decent menu. It is also connected to a restaurant as well as a bar. You can even order girls up to your room, if that is your fancy.
And finally, the TV set. Secrets boasts of more than 60 channels and the first thing Cheepork and I did was to watch an old episode of Superfriends.
The episode had Samurai, the only Asian character in the series, spinning around in a green leotard thingy.
Yeah, he looks like that.
So we decided to adopt the Samurai's catchphrase. Whenever we want to get out of a place, or if we ever encounter a 'monster' or a 'weapon' or a ladyboy, it is best to make our getaway while yelling KAZE NO YOOOOOOO NI HAYAKU!
And that's what we did. The Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku maneuver is vital for us to experience all of Pattaya in just one night. Cause there are simply too many A Go Gos and places to visit.
And that's what we did. We would go to a go go bar and order one drink each. And then yell Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku! and off we go.
Using this technique, wewent to X-Zone, Club Boesche (pronounced Bush. Geddit?), Lucifer Disco, Living Dollhouse Showcase and Living Dollhouse 1. Unble to find Hell Club, we went to Heaven's Above, where Cheepork met Bam.
Then I Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku-ed on my own to What's Up and Angelwitch. Then I found Mae in one of the earlier clubs and I barfined her. Apparently, barfines in Pattaya have increased this time of year.
No matter. We won't be going there again as Bangkok is so much better.
After spending one night in Pattaya, Cheepork and I decided to go to Bangkok and spend the rest of our time in Thailand there. Cause Cheepork was whining that the girsl are not as beautiful as the ones in Bangkok.
Even though Secrets is a fantastic guesthouse. And Mae is an amazing conversationist.
Anyway, we Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku-ed to Bangkok in a cab which cost us THB800 plus THB100 for toll.
Tips and full review of Pattaya later. But for now, Kaze no Yo ni Hayaku!
THEME SONG:
Te-te-te-teeeee-teng
Te-te-te-te-te-te-te-teh-TENG
Doong doong!
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