Thursday, November 8, 2012

Towards a More Perfect Confederate

You know what I hate? I hate poseurs. You know what I hate more? Poseurs who fail at posing. Some people claim to be liberal, but they're not. And some people, while following the US election, claim to be oh-so American, but don't even know jack shit about shit.

Never fear! Uncle Amir is here to write what was already in wikipedia anyway. So if you want to be a poseur, pose properly, okay?

Way back in 1990, I saw a PBS telemovie on TV2. It was about the founding of the nation (said nation being the US) and some shit called Amendments, and said amendments' effect on the Constipation.

The title of the movie was "Towards a More Perfect Union". It was about Benjamin Franklin, the founding fathers' equivalent of Thor, and a bunch of unwashed dudes talking about some trade stuff.

Apparently, the British refused to trade with the United States of America because some Spanish dude said, 'Cui Bono?' which is the Spanish commerce philosophy of 'who benefits'? Apparently, trading with the US benefitted dunno who or whatever. The Brits were just spiteful because they just lost the colonies after Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger kicked their asses.

So, reeling from a huge butthurt, the Brits decided not to trade with these Americans.

So Ben Franklin and co decided to amend some documents. This was, before the movie Margin Call, some of the most gripping meeting scenes in TV history.

Ben Franklin was from Virginia, which had loads of people. Then there were other stakeholders like Delaware reps. Delaware had fewer people, but maybe more money or some shit.

The problem was, the big states, with lots of people, wanted popular vote to decide everything. The smaller states wanted proper attention given to them as well, because they're small and shit. So there was a deadlock.

Political maneuvering in that movie made anything Malaysia has ever seen like kindergarten. And I just finished kindergarten four years prior to the movie, so it seemed impressive.

At the end of it, the US came up with the concept of electoral college, senate and congress, etc. It was to ensure no one side or person would have total absolute power or some shit. Ben Franklin said it was as if the US is like a centaur. Half man, half Sarah Jessica Parker.

Electoral college works like this: each state has pre-determined points, for those who failed to pose properly this election year. Win the popular vote in that state, and you get the points, or the electoral vote.

Thus, while popular vote is important, it is possible to win the election while not getting a majority of the votes. This has happened four or five times in US history, the most recent one with the Bush-Gore debacle. Al Gore won the popular vote, but Bush defeated him using the electoral college system.

In Malaysia, we have 222 parliamentary seats and around three, four times that number for State seats. Here's how it works out. The Parliamental Area of Kuantan (one big seat) may have between 2-4 State seats. You vote for two candidates in your state seat area - one for the State rep and one for Member of Parliament.

The state seats determine who gets control of the State Government, while the Parliamentary seat determines who governs the country, or the Federal Government.

In order to win, you need to gain 112 parliamentary seats at least, for a simple majority. No matter what you do, never, EVER give any one party 148 seats. With 148 seats, or 2/3 of Parliament, those politicians can amend the Constitution. Amending the Constitution means they can pass laws like all women will have to give blowjobs. To goats. Every Thursday. And Anwar can stay in the dorm room of certain boys' schools or some shit like that. And that will be a binding law of the highest whatever.

Actually, with just a simple majority, a lot of laws can and have been passed. The 114A, amendment, for example, was passed with just a simple majority.

The Malaysian system is not as open and exciting as the US, or, say, the Taiwanese system which features chair-hurling as a political sport, sometimes.

There are few, if any, effective debates. Once you win, you win forever. Or for the next five years.

I believe the Malaysian election is coming up, like duh. But I predict it will be next year, sometime after Chinese New Year, maybe a month or two.

I have maintained my neutrality all this while, choosing only to make fun of the most comical or undesirable of politicians. I am a registered voter because I hold power over politicians and they can all kiss my ass.