A friend asked me just now, "Which one do you hate more. the Malays, or the Chinese?"
And I was thinking, "Have I really come across as being bitter and am I stuck in a Tarantino/Rahim Razali revenge flick?"
My answer was, "I'm not racist."
"Malays, Chinese, Indians, Ibans, Kadazans, even friends have screwed me over - at least tried to - and they have all helped me as well. I have no preference for any race, religion or club. I am chaotic neutral. A real one."
I will tell you straight up that I am on only one side - mine. I believe that what is good for me is good for the community, society, the country and the world as well as the universe. I am the power of good and the way of the magic.
I often run into people who try to be sneaky with me, lie to me or outright manipulate me using pop psychology, perhaps not knowing that I have read ALL and EVERYTHING on pop psychology. I even joined group therapy earlier in life. I know the techniques, the philosophies, the tells, the common practices and I also have an understanding of the human ego.
This is not me being smart or saying I am. These are all basic knowledge. For humans. It may seem magic to monkeys, but people I enjoy talking to have all these under their belt. At the very least, they have a working understanding of these things.
We don't apply these techniques on people, because it is condescending and insulting, as well as downright evil. We learn them or are aware of these things as Defence Against the Dark Arts.
When I was in school, kids could immediately tell I am smart. So the insecure ones start to lie to me, thinking if they can fool me, they are smarter than me. And so, by the time I was 18, I had 18 years experience in being lied to. I learned how to sniff out the hidden agendas of people. I became cynical and a pessimist. Also, very, very paranoid.
This affected me for years, until I learned to control and live with my mind firmly attuned to the darkness in humanity. It's like being stuck with one radio station - and just one - in the car. EvilFM.
I cannot and will not force myself to feel anything other than what I am feeling at any moment in time. However, I can control my actions and reactions.
Perhaps, being tuned to evil, I give off negative energy? Do I come across as racist? Well, who cares? I can safely assure myself that I am not, so I now don't give a fuck what other people think of me.
How can I hate any race when I have received so much help from all these people? In fact, the most rational, nationalistic person I know is Chinese. The kindest and most trustworthy person I have ever met is the Indian dude who comes to my apartment every two weeks to clean it. I pay him some money for his cleaning services and he - being a good Hindu - would sometimes buy me food. At no extra charge. Never stole a single cent, and I leave my money - CASH! - lying around.
Malays? Hah. Well, I have mostly interacted with Malays and Malays are just like any other race - nothing special for any race. All the fuck-ups and the problems are the same. The core is the same, it's just that everything manifests differently for different groups of people.
Wait, I know what's special - me. I am special because I am not a racist.