Monday, March 25, 2013

And Just Us for All

This weekend illustrated how badly I need a vacation.

I was in a supermarket, bitching about how pissed I am at my malfunctioning e-cigarette (I got the cheapest ones), when suddenly, I was gripped by irrational fears and desire to eat and smoke - stuff anything into my mouth.

So I calmly left my trolley, went to the magazine shop, and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked outside, of course, and it was five minutes before I calmed myself.

It was a direct physical reaction, I believe, of cutting three packs a day to intermittent smoking with my cheapo e-cigarette. My nicotine withdrawal was super intense. Coupled with fatigue - I have not had any day where I did simply nothing for two years now - and I felt like this thing rushing to my head.

I checked for diabetes, but that was not it. I just need to get a better e-cigarette. One that works for more than 2-4 hours.

Oh well. Tomorrow, I am going to the hospital for a follow up on my medical condition. I had a cancer scare which is 90% NOT cancer. Most probably just a skin thing. But tomorrow, I will get the results.

People sometimes ask me why I go to Thailand - Phuket especially. Well, it's not because of the nightlife scene. I'm not really a party person - having had my fill of wild parties in my 20s - no. I just like doing nothing for a while.

I go to Thailand and for the most part, I do nothing. This is also why I don't bring people along. Idiots always insist on filling up their vacations with activities and bullshit tourist stuff. I have no patience for that sort of bullshit. Am fully happy just sitting or walking about, with no real purpose.

I fucking hate being rushed, and whenever I go on vacations, I don't rush anywhere. Which is why for my retirement, I envision an idyllic lifestyle of reading and writing, of contemplation and appreciation of myself. I can finally gaze at myself, quietly, and appreciate the handsomeness, the intelligence, the wit - the beauty of what I am.

For that, I need RM2 million. That would be enough to buy my freedom. Lots of people laugh at my goal or dismiss it with derision. I have no great ambition because the desire to change things is poison. Changing things - actually doing something to change the world - is not poison, but the desire is something awful.

Always remember, there is a distinct difference between falling in love with the idea of something and actually loving something.

Oh well. Just a measly two weeks before one of my projects ends. After that, I say goodbye to a few things and embark on a path that could be more exciting and calming at the same time.