Sunday, October 21, 2012

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

I was having dinner with a family member when I saw, at the next table, the most heinous man I have ever known.

He is also family, sort of. He stole land from us - a classic textbook betrayal in a Malay family. My father trusted him so much - and still does - that the old man will go to his grave defending the honour of that bastard.

I used to be so angry at the guy, I could feel flashback rage in my throat.

I looked him - the motherfucking thief - in the eye, and I saw a husk of a man. He is sick - literally - and he is scared. He had this almost-pleading look in his eyes. He was no longer the lying motherfucker I knew him to be. He's just a sad old man, eating mamak food, sick and waiting for his death. I couldn't help but pray that he will live for a long time.

I have gone past having any sort of emotion for him and his ilk - I understand that feeling anything (anger, hatred, pity, etc) is just a waste of time and energy. However, that does not stop me from taking steps to ensure his suffering, if I am given the chance.

Given half an opportunity, I will pay for his meds. I will keep him alive. I will keep the machines running, to prolong his life for as long as possible. I want him to live through old age. To live and see the undoing of all his work and scheming, for all things will end. I want him to watch his children die.

And I will do all this, without a shred of emotion. No anger, no hatred, no spite, just some cold ass execution, like an automaton. Like a machine.

He, and others like him, always made me suspicious of humans. I do not naturally trust people. I have seen some very clear examples of what kind of evil humans are capable of. Some even believe that lying and cheating are intelligent. Some believe that manipulation is how we are supposed to conduct ourselves in this life.

What used to frustrate me is that these people are so shallow and lack conscience that they will die believing all which I believe is wrong. Yes, a lot of people have no conscience. They will never awaken, until perhaps the few seconds before they die. And that is perhaps too light a punishment for the years of grief they caused everyone.

You caught me. I'm an idealist. What can I do, eh? I believe in honour and shit. Doesn't make me honourable, just makes me a slower, easier target. Who follow my own code of rules.

It is only by sheer luck and karma that I have managed to even survive this far.

I'll tell you how it's like, inside my head. I am constantly attuned to the evil that lurks in people's hearts. Like that comics/radio character The Shadow.

I sense evil, ego and selfishness easily. It is something very obvious to me. And I can't do anything about it. I won't. I guess that is the price I pay for being a fucking genius and shit.

It used to frustrate me. Drove me crazy for a while. Then, I decided, "Fuck this shit." Hating someone is like drinking poison, hoping for the other person to die. Some wise guy said that.

I do not hate. I will have no emotion. And I will wait for these fuckers at the gates of hell, asking for my payment in years of torture.

For now, I might as well get on with my writing. This script isn't going to write itself.