Sunday, October 28, 2012

HyperWanking: Emo Rant

I come back from the swamp, the place where I grew up, a bit depressed.

I spent a few days there, watching my father deteriorate. He had such an active intellect and now he's losing his memories. I don't know, but I understand his frustrations.

Everyone gets old. Everyone lose everything, and then they die. Which is why the things that define you don't define you at all. Not your job, your money, not your reputation, or the people around you. Not the things you have done and the people you've known. End of the day, you are just an organic chemical factory that eats and shits, breathes and makes sounds with air blown through holes on your body.

Nothing matters, in the end. There is no meaning to anything anyone does. And I just spent all my life, trying to find that meaning. That cause that will make sense of everything. Because I'm the worst idealist ever.

I rejected all conventional beliefs because I find all those who follow them are delusional or crazy.

My beliefs are cobbled together from comic books and some from of samurai philosophies, simply because I think anyone can come up with a philosophy on which to base your life. Comics and samurais are just too cool for school.

Watching my father spend the final years of his life, struggling with his memory - something I guess we both take pride on at the youthful stages of our lives - makes me wonder. Am I spending my time wisely?

Time is my most precious resource. I don't have the time to do everything I want to do. I don't have enough time to get enough rest for my body to recover from everything.

Am I spending my time with people I like?

And it's not even to build a legacy. I don't put too much stock on leaving something behind for the world after I die. In fact, after I die, I just want to disappear from this world. I wish Blogger has a function where if I don't press a button at least once every three months, it would nuke everything. I wish all social media would have that function.

I hope that when I die, there would be no proof of my existence. Because I find this obsession with existing and putting your stamp on the world deplorable. I find it egotistical. Time, when viewed from a geological perspective, puts humans as extremely insignificant, which is how I believe it should be.

I have met so many delusional people with a heightened perception as to their worth and significance, I constantly want to puke, which would be cool if I develop bulimia or some shit. Cuts my dieting efforts in half.

People constantly quote the words of dead people. We often think dead people as wise. Why? Because they're dead? Everyone dies, in the end. That's the ending for everyone. We get old, we get ugly, and then we die. There is no meaning or reason to anything. We just have the present moment to enjoy and do with as we please. Nothing more.