Friday, July 20, 2012

Pro-Active: Prostitution as the Solution to Malaysia and the World’s Problems


This is for my dear Uncle – Najib – who has asked for suggestions to beef up his Budget 2013. As the world’s greatest economist - a Super-Soros, if you will – I aim to make a case for lateral thinking in solving national problems.

Malaysia’s oil reserves will one day run out. The global market is in turmoil, with Europe fighting a losing battle and China’s economy slowing down. Added to that, the uncertainties brought about by climate change is also a threat, as agriculture (10.5% of Malaysian GDP) may be at great risk. The search for a sustainable business model and a solution to the environmental concerns continues for Malaysia, but the answer is staring at us in the face, or sometimes from dark alleys. Prostitutes and prostitution are the answer to our economic and environmental woes.

The Pick-Up Line

Malaysia has a service-oriented economy, with services amounting to 48.2% of GDP. Why not take it to the next level and extend our services to cover the sex industry?

Simply legalise prostitution and tax the hell out of them. This will be benificial to the prostitutes as the country implements a minimum wage, improve working conditions to follow occupational safety and hazard standards for pimps and prostitutes. There will be insurance, a pension scheme (optional, of course) and better healthcare for all involved.

As it is, prostitutes and pimps do not pay taxes and this is a great loss to the economy. Pimps and prostitutes are also patriots, who keep civil disobedience at a minimum by providing a necessary service. It is time that these sex workers get the recognition and place they deserve in nation building.

Plus, since I know everything there is to know about prostitution, I should be made Prostitution Minister, or Pro Minister, to handle the Prostitution Ministry and Malaysia’s sole remaining un-privatised sustainable economic resource.

First Base – Tongue-in-Butt-Cheek

Prostitutes are a renewable natural resource and bleeds sustainability through every orifice. Malaysians like to breed and then throw their children at people. This can be seen when those idiots, I mean, those model parents, brought their children along to illegal assemblies, so their progeny could be sprayed in the face with pepper and chemically-laced water.

With twisted religious dogma and stupidity combining to ensure parents who are not financially and psychologically ready provide a steady supply of hungry kids who would later on grow up to be thin and malnourished (fat prostitutes are bad prostitutes), Malaysia has a virtual conveyor belt for limitless prostitution.

Oil will run out, but humans are a resource that is infinitely renewable. One must remember the machines in The Matrix who used humans as an energy source. I offer this suggestion that had the machines developed a workable mechanical penis, the humans would be put through a far more colourful use.

Second Base – Getting There

Since we have prostitutes from all countries in Asia and beyond, this will be in line with Tourism Malaysia's 'Malaysia Truly Asia' campaign.

Former Deputy Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim, seemed to realise this fact when he kept on shouting “Malays, Chinese, Indians, Ibans, Kadazans!” in 1998. I would also like to add, “Thais, Indonesians, Filipinos, Estonians, Russians, Vietnamese, Melanaus, Kayans, Bidayuhs, Penans, Kenyah, Kelabits, Negritos, Africans, Burmese, Eskimos! Dan Lain-lain!”

The former DPM also showed his support for prostitution in a famous amateur video shot by his stunt-double/groupie/look-alike/fanboy.

Third Base – The Spillage

The rise of the prostitution industry will also improve other industries significantly.
For example, health tourism will receive a boost as those afflicted with STDs will stay longer for treatment.

This will also open up other avenues for business as those who are bed-ridden in a hospital can:
A) Opt for another go with roleplaying prostitutes in nurses’ outfits.
B) Be exposed to relentless marketing and advertising of such services and products as massages, tongkat ali, kacip fatimah.

Sick people are a captive audience and should be pliable for more purchases.

Furthermore, Malaysian agriculture can certainly benefit as more condoms will be used. The best latex for condoms comes from Malaysian natural rubber. More sex means more consumption of the product.

I dream of one day standing before a landfill made almost entirely of used condoms, of Malaysian rubber. A tiny hill 20 feet high, pink and glistening in the sun – a sign of Malaysia’s virility in world economy.

Of course, we should not forget the normal beneficiaries of the sex industry – F&B, entertainment, transportation, and tourism in general. You can only have sex at most twice or three times a day – believe me, I have tried. The time between coitus for sex tourists can be filled with fun-filled activities such as gambling, going on a tour or simply consuming high-priced food.

Fourth Base – The Score

If prostitution is legalised, with several areas rezoned as red-light districts, Malaysia stands to gain at least US$1 billion GDP from this industry. This number is based on a very conservative Daily Mail estimate of the Thai sex industry in 2007. I had the link somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. Hold on. No, that’s not it.

Anyway, the US$1 billion estimate is conjured from projections of direct transactions. Following derivates further, I can safely promise that the prostitution industry can generate as much as US$20 billion or roughly 5% of Malaysian GDP (according to figures from the CIA).


I believe in prostitutes and prostitution. I believe that prostitution will lead the way in nation building and creating a sustainable economic model. I believe that prostitutes will give birth to the experts, scientists and technologists this country needs.

With a mixture of the right genes and proper selection, Malaysians can finally evolve into the trans-human species we are all destined to be. And perhaps, one day, become the creature of light we saw in Babylon 5.

I believe in the future. I believe in Malaysia.

• Source: Wikipedia