Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Devil Doesn't Like to be Surprised

I was writing away happily on my patched-up keyboard, when suddenly there was a knock at the door.

Thinking I have finally angered some spirits, I went and opened the door. There they were, grinning like motherfuckers. Not ghosts, but dumbass motherfuckers.

Yeah, I do have weird friends. But even the weirdest give me a call first before showing up at my door.

I mean, imagine if I have Emma Watson and Emma Roberts making out on my couch. Or Jessica Alba is shaving her pubes in my bathroom. Or Natalie Portman is having a water-birth in a tub which I do not have.

Huh? THINK, motherfucker! You don't just fucking show up. Call me first, bitches!

I mean, I don't have Emma Watson and Emma Roberts making out on my couch, but imagine if they DID?

Here's what I hate:

1. Fax machines
2. People who come without contacting me first
3. People who move shit around in calendars

When I say we're meeting up on Friday, we're meeting up Friday. End of fucking discussion. If you have to cancel, a simple heads up will do.

"I'm sorry, I can't meet you tomorrow." Or "I'm sorry, I can't meet up with you today. I got shit to do."

At least you called.

"Hey, Amir, I got an hour to kill, so I'm thinking of dropping by. I'll be there in 10 minutes." I'm fine with this. I also miss some appointments and have been late by a few hours before. No one's perfect, yes.

Do not move things around and DO NOT show up at my door unannounced. Unless you're Emma Watson and Emma Roberts, and you want to make out on my couch. Even then, blowjobs first, talk later.

Just cause I meditate, and all new age and shit, doesn't mean I can't open a can of whoop ass on your mother. I STILL have that machete in my kitchen, just in case a race riot ever happens.

How about I race riot on your face?

Thankfully, the ones who showed up, I haven't seen in years. So I let you off this one time. Pass me the bottle, brah!