Thursday, March 8, 2012

Previously, On Amir Hafizi

It is my birthday today. 8 March. International Women's Day. Celebrated with a quiet dinner with my sister. A steak dinner, so that was good.

I'm 32 today. Too old to believe in anything and too young to be set in my ways. Just like last year, and the year before.

Over the course of three decades, I have come to a state where I really don't give a shit about anything, except work.

My first allegiance is to the work. The craft. It is my work that has fed me, clothed me, got me everywhere I ever wanted to go. My loyalty, my religion, is my work.

I have achieved everything I ever wanted to achieve before I'm 30. I thank those who helped me in my way, and I thank myself. I no longer have any ambition. Just one goal - retirement. To be able to afford to retire, ending my cycle of work.

I don't want to be 50 and work like I do today. My body will get older, and pretty soon, even my mind will deteriorate. I hope I die before that sets in.

Anyway, let's take stock. At this time last year, I just left The Malay Mail. I let go of my position and a steady salary to freelance. I was thinking of directing, but sensed that my skills were not enough.

Within a year, I managed to get a job, and get my hands on some professional-level cameras. I used the 5D Mark II, an HDV Cam and a Sony DV Cam. I learned rudimentary video editing on the job, and got myself involved with social media campaigns.

Spiritually, I have managed to deal with my anger issues somewhat, though monkeys and apes continue to taunt and try and make me a monkey like them again. What can you do? They're monkeys.

I finally bought a big-screen monitor, a speaker, a fridge, a water dispenser, rice cooker and a few other kitchen things.

I quit smoking twice in the past year, and picked up the habit again.

This job - I started it thinking I will do two or three stories a day and then fuck off. Recent developments have propelled me to take a more active role. And all I wanted was a quiet job with no responsibilities at an insignificant corner of a big, stable company to weather the economic storm.

I realise now that I can't do that. Tried that at The Malay Mail, where all I had to do was do some shit, pick up a cheque at the end of the month and shut my mouth.

I hung my cape around a year ago. No longer a superhero, but as always, I try to save people even though no one wants to be rescued or helped. Ohhhh, pathos. Blablabla.

People still think I'm stupid and do unbelievably condescending things, but that no longer bother me. I no longer feel the need to destroy their lives in order to prove my intelligence. I understand now that bitter, negative people live bitter, negative lives. That IS the punishment and nothing in this world or the next can ever make them happy. That is a much crueler situation than anything I can ever think of.

I waste less and less time worrying about idiots and more time and thought on my own endeavours. I will be on stage in a week, and then perhaps complete my novel. I have a movie to do, and several synopsis to write and hawk around. There's also a comic book project I am doing.

I have been invited to do seminars and also is a consultant for some content projects.

I also was in a relationship and ended it a few months ago.

We shall see what happens by this time next year.