Corporate Figure

I love hating hipsters. Especially Malaysian hipsters because they don't even understand what it means to like something ironically. They actually like shit they hate. However, hipsterdom is just a tiny symptom.

At the core of everything humans do is the ego. Here, a sense of belonging, conformity, being in a group is I guess a basic human need.

Favouring individuality, I have always stayed away from any clique or group. I maintained my neutrality all this while. A lone wolf. Cool, huh? Not so. A lone wolf is a weak wolf, because wolves hunt in packs. A lone wolf would not survive in the wild for extended periods of time because they have evolved to exist in a social structure.

Humans are similarly built.

I was about to write a lengthy article on the human ego, society, the advertising industry and whatever the fuck when I realised that I don't give a shit.

Tomorrow is filled with tasks and meetings and project-managing the shit out of shit. So I'm going to bed.

Fuck off and die.

Tokoh Korporat Jalanan: Mengejutkan Serangga Daripada Tidur Tapa

Caption: PICTURE IS UNRELATED

Tahun ni, aku tiba-tiba jadi tokoh korporat. Aku tak mintak pun. Dia tiba-tiba datang. Sebelum ni, aku sembilan tahun buat kerja-kerja media ni.

Aku pernah handle banyak benda, tapi semua dalam lingkungan penulisan. Aku penulis, bukan benda lain. Aku bukan marketing, aku bukan business development, branding atau apa-apalah. Aku cuma budak paya yang datang ke KL untuk mencapai impian aku menulis komik.

Dalam semua benda yang aku pernah atau tak pernah buat, aku paling minat nak buat komik. Nak tulis komik.

Semua merewang-rewang ke hulu ke hilir ni, supaya satu hari nanti aku tulis komik. Aku bukan stim sangat dah tengok nama aku sendiri. Aku dah puas dengan byline aku dekat paper, credits on the big screen, dan  keluar dekat buku.

Aku dah tak buat apa-apa pasal nakkan kredit sangat. Orang puji, orang kutuk, semua aku dah rasa. Untuk macam-macam sebab.

Pada bahagian kehidupan aku yang ini, aku tengah berkira-kira nak bersara. Aku mungkin ada 10 tahun lagi untuk kerja macam orang gila. Lepas tu? Mungkin ada kot 10 tahun lagi kerja dengan lebih teratur. Lepas tu? Aku nak kerja sampai umur 60? Gila ke apa. Tak larat aku.

Aku nak bersara, berundur dari dunia kepahlawanan dengan teratur. Untuk itu, aku dah atur beberapa perkara. Nampaknya, pengembaraan aku masih ada, dan masih jauh.

Jadi tokoh korporat ni, bukan senang. Lebih-lebih lagi untuk aku la. Aku mana reti bahasanya, budayanya. Tapi, apa yang ada depan aku, aku sapu. Pasal aku rasa aku akan menyesal dengan benda aku tak buat daripada benda yang aku buat.

Ramai aku tengok manusia yang cakap banyak, satu benda pun tak buat. Lepas tu, bila aku tengok diorang balik rumah, aku sendiri rasa sedih. Tapi itu hidup orang, bukan hidup aku. Pergi mampuslah.

And I Hear the Gentle Beating of Mighty Wings

All my life, I've always been alone. It was and is my choice.

I don't trust humans, because they are always selfish. Driven by their egos, humans always try to use me for shit, either to prop their own ego, further their own agenda or whatever.

Therefore I am always touched when those who have no real reason to help me out step out of the woodwork or from on high and try to accommodate my weird shit.

It always happens in a time of darkness. When things start to look as if it will crumble to dust, I always get help from somewhere.

I guess I've always been lucky. And I say that with gratitude, not arrogance. I acknowledge the fact that anything good I have achieved took the effort and help from many people.

So, I give thanks to the ones who extended a hand to me. I don't expect anyone to do everything or anything for me, but sometimes it's nice to know that I'm not facing everything alone.

The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot. I'll never know what I was running from. I'll cash the cheque this week.

Yay!

KL48HFP: Behind the Scenes of Bihun

When I first heard of the KL 48 Hour Film Project, I was like, "fuck, where do I get a camera?"

I did not have a crew, no equipment, nothing. I was just a lone corporate figure sitting in his boxers at home, drinking soy milk.

Then I met Fareeq, whom I have lost contact with 10 years ago. Apparently, he just bought a 5D Mark II. I was like, "Cool! You wanna join KL48HFP?"

"Sure."

And then, "Do you have a mic?" And he was like, "No. But I got LED lights."

"Ah, we'll figure that one out later."

Having access to a camera and a DOP, I went around looking for a producer. So I called Roy up.

"Dude, you wanna produce this short film for KL48HFP?"

"Sure!"

So I had a team. I began doing pre-promotion on my FB page, and Satpal Kaler stepped up, volunteering to do whatever.

I was looking for a female actress, otherwise it would be just four dicks with a camera - the set-up of a very good gay porn.

So I met Linda Hew and she could edit and act. Meanwhile, I was afraid of horror, so I got Sani to do the makeup.

"Cool!" This was looking more like Bowfinger and I was happy.

I began writing stories for the KL48HFP, as well as planning a rehearsal short. Roy said to me, "Dude, this is the first time we're doing this, so tak best la, kalau prepare. Kita redah je la, baru adventure."

And I was thinking, I already had experience writing for film, so I might as well take this opportunity to learn other things and step away from writing duties. So I kept all my stories, and cancelled the rehearsal short.

So there was the meet and greet, and then the kick-off where we drew the genre Drama.

That night, we discussed the script and we did not plan any shoot. The discussion went on and on, though, and by 5am, I had to pretty much chase everyone out of the house and we agreed to meet tomorrow at Fareeq's place at 10.30am.

Roy slept at my place and we arrived at 10.30am in Kepong, but it was around 1pm, after lunch, before we went up to the apartment.

Since we did not scout or recce the location, we ended up discovering that the kitchen was too small. We discussed for a while on whether we should shoot the kitchen scenes at my place and 'tampal' it with scenes from Fareeq's house.

I was like, "Fuck this shit, let's just shoot the damn thing already."

Half of our equipment was held up in Langkawi, along with our lead actor. So Satpal, who wanted to do anything we want him to do, became the lead.

Since we had no audio equipment, we went and used Satpal's DIY boom mice - basically an H1 fixed on a PVC or a broomstick.

It was as guerilla as we could do it.

The original plan was to shoot only using Fareeq's sole prime lens and also make full use of his GoPro cameras. This was soon scrapped because we decided to just go and do whatever and use whichever lens which would not require us to reset too much every single shot.

Six and a half of a fun-filled afternoon later, we wrapped up shoot. Then, it was offline, when Linda noticed something wrong.

The footage from the 5D was not behaving very well. We thought a few conversions would do the trick and went to sleep.

The next day, we finally listened to the audio properly - before this, we simply checked that the thing was recording. Disaster! The audio was horrible, so we spent most of Sunday trying to fix it, which made it even worse.

We were still fixing the audio when I said, "Fuck it. Let's just send the bloody thing." I blew only one deadline in my life and that cost me RM78,000 in lost opportunities.

So we sent it in, warts and distortions and pasted audio shit and all. I was hoping that the story would still be entertaining and that audiences could still enjoy it despite the technical bullshit. We crammed in as much wanking subtext as we could in 5 minutes. Every shot was a wank, with an entire dissertation behind the explanation and justification and whatever the fuck.

However, seeing it in the cinema on Saturday enhanced all mistakes and flaws, also making it very clear how fucked up the audio was. It distracted attention away from the story and story - along with the actors' performance - was what the film was banking on. Well, at least people just went "WTF!" and didn't come out of the cinema angry, like they did when they watched some of my other movies.

Oh well. Next time we do this, I will definitely pay more attention to the technical aspects of things.

Roy is organising a get-together later next week so we could fix the audio properly before it is uploaded.

I got a lot of shit to do, but have already got Fareeq to agree to shoot my next short film. Slappy pappy wank wank! - That's not the title, but it sounds interesting.

I honestly don't know how it will turn out, but I hope it will be as fun as this one.

KL48HFP: Twist Endings

I went to the KL 48 Hour Film Project Awards Night tonight with a feeling of dread: what if Bihun - the short we shot in less than 48 hours - was to win.

I'm not saying we made the best short in the competition - far from it, the horrible audio we produced meant there are billions of other shorts that are better. In fact, I was rooting for my personal favourite - Sendat - which I think is hilarious. Realistically, though, I believe Ganggu - a very slick detective/cop comedy would win with their wit and smooth execution. The dark horse would be the fantasy short Bye Bye Blackbird, which I think is stylistically competent and high concept without being too wanking. And they pulled it off.

Of course, being a competition with judges, you sometimes end up with surprising results. I was deathly afraid that the judges this year would be weird enough to choose Bihun and send our team to Hollywood with a short that has possibly the worst audio ever in the history of films.

I imagined myself having to explain to some white dudes with a crumpled look on their faces as they pushed the next button to watch the winning short from Malawi, Mali or Maldives. With better audio.

"No, focus on the story, which is not bad, if I do say so myself, and just... just cover your ears and pretend this is a silent film. Or that you're deaf."

That was what I was worried about, but it didn't happen. Phew! Nevertheless, the judges still made a surprising decision - Ganggu did not win anything other than Audience Choice Award. Nothing. Not a thing. Ganggu is not the best short film in the world, but for this competition, their idea is good, their execution nearly flawless. It also has the added advantage of incorporating something very Malaysian - our belief of ghosts.

Like the Japanese Kappa and Snow Maiden, Ganggu made clear the types of ghosts we believe in. I thought it was a sure bet for the top three. It got none.

Bye Bye Blackbird got first runner-up and deservingly so.

Oh well. I guess this is what always happens with judging. I was a judge myself once, and some decisions are like that.

All in all, it was a very educational experience. I will make sure the next time we do a production, we will have a sound man or someone to take care of the audio.

Bihun's audio will be fixed by end of this month, I hope, and I will upload it on YouTube with a disclaimer that the audio has been changed. We will not change anything else and leave the short film as it is. With the exception of the audio, I am pretty happy with what the six-man crew produced in 48 hours and look forward to do more with them.

Props to the organisers who have stayed up late and worked harder than any of us participants. Thank you for opening the toy chest and becoming dungeon masters. We'll meet again next year!

KL48HFP: Static Shock

Today, our short film Bihun - shot under 48 hours for the KL 48 Hour Film Project - was screened at TGV KLCC.

The first two-thirds was okay, and then the last part - the most important part - was inundated with bad audio problems. When I say bad audio problems, I mean horrible audio. It was even worse in the cinema.

The bad audio would take away the focus from the story and onto... well, bad audio. No one I asked got the  cleverly wanked double twists and turns the plot was making, which is the centerpiece of Bihun.

Still, some people had some kind words to say, despite our technical failings. I think the story is still legit and the performance of the actors commendable.

Datin Sofia Jane, U-Wei Hj Shaari and Hanyut producer Julia Fraser (also KL48HFP judge) was there and when they left the cinema after the screening, I felt like the bad audio in Bihun would cause them to get off their seats. This is, of course, me being a little girl and thinking everything is about me.

I left the cinema with a brave face, but I was really going into a dark place inside my head. I remember when our equipment was held up and we had to make do with whatever we have. Oh well, shit happens. We still got a short film out of it and it's not like we can't fix it by November.

I can tell you that the next time I do any production, audio will be a priority and we will have a soundman... as well as an acrobat.

Acrobats would make a useful addition to any production crew. Which reminds me. The most valuable thing I got out of this is not the film. Or bad audio. Or hands-on experience doing roles I never considered before. I was actually working on forming a team, since filmmaking is a collaborative medium.

I saw that entities such as Idebewe, Playground and everyone else has a team, and that means they can afford to move quickly and execute a lot of things. I am just one man. One man with a strong dick, but one man nonetheless.

So I went about and asked around. Fareeq Alias is our DOP, and he has all the cameras (and audio equipment, when available) anyone would need for a production. He has also done some diving videos and has a natural eye for composing shots.

Fareeq is also a music man who has written some great songs.

Fairul Nizam 'Roy' Ablah is a guy I met six years ago through our love of comics. He has worked with a top Japanese animation studios and penned Jangan Ambil Padang Kami and Bola Kampung, among other things.

Nik Linda Hew is an award-winning editor and actress with a lot of potential. Working with her on the character of Melati Mahmood was just me setting boundaries because she hits a lot of notes.

Satpal Kaler or S-Kay is a student with a lot of time on his hands. He has shot a 40-minute feature on his own and was almost arrested for it. I like his pathetic look, which I can't replicate. Not saying he's pathetic. Just saying he has this pathetic look which is difficult to do. I want him as the lead for another shot where his pathetic look will be great.

Sani is an aspiring make-up artist and wardrobe person. I scouted him just in case we needed to do horror, as he has loads of ideas for horror with subtle touches.

And then there's me, Lord of Destruction, Dispenser of Bad Audio and God of the Covenant.

I am currently trying to find ways for the team to do more stuff together. And include more people to collaborate with. I believe anyone who wants to do films should just fucking do them. I'll try to figure out the financial aspect of it.

My end game is to tell my stories, my way, sans bad audio or any other bad stuff. This experience was and is priceless.

I have a magic realism shit I always wanted to do. And I got this thing for end of the world stories. Heavy wanking stuff. And then there are my homages to Chow Sing Chi.

However, rather than talk about it, I think I'll just put the bad audio behind me, fix Bihun and make these other films, my way.

Wank wank wank!

Wanking: More Wanking

When I was small, I wanted so much to break away from my family. I was the last child, which meant the attention I was getting was suffocating. I still get suffocated by attention, sometimes, as I am naturally famous. Everything I do make big waves and have impact for God knows why.

I just keep on walking and shit just happens.

Anyway, I left home at 12 years old, knowing very well what I was doing. It has always been that way since. I rarely suffer from vagueness and ambiguity, though I use them as tools in storytelling.

I've always wondered about people's motivations. Why do people do things? Why are some people so spiteful and stupid, filled with hate and ignorance and ego and selfishness? Why are some people so nice?

I used to think about all this during my emo period, before emo was cool.

Nowadays, I couldn't care less. I understand that at the end of it, the motivation for most people is ego. It is neither wrong nor right and the job to judge these people and these things, are not mine. Why should I worry?

I do avoid evil, though, and I make it a point to spend more time with positive, kind people who do mostly good anyway. Doing evil things is passe. It's boring. I have gone down the path of pain and despair and all it got me was more pain and despair.

Life is too precious to waste on idiots and stupid, trivial things.

Some people spend their whole lives believing either they need approval from people or that people need their approval. They believe, that approval is a currency. I know this, because I was one of them. Been there, done that. Ho-hum.

Did I say it is bad?

I'll tell you my motivation. I do things because I want to do them. Even things I don't want to do, I do it because I want to. Deep shit, huh? No, not really. End of the day, we decide our own fate. I would rather be in control of my actions than have my decisions be made by other people. I guess I haven't grown up that much, huh?

KL48HFP: Trailer for Bihun

 This is a trailer for the short film our team made for the KL 48 Hour Film Project.

 Fareeq Alias, Linda Hew, Roy Ablah, Satpal Kaler (S-Kay), Sani Kamarudzaman, it was a pleasure working on this with you guys (and sometimes infuriating, but all worth it hahahaha!).

Seeing this trailer, done by Fareeq (and the great song also by Fareeq) is giving me goosebumps. We enjoyed ourselves and this is what we made.

Cheers!

Wanker

I can't wait until the judging for the KL 48 Hour Film Project is over, so I could share my experience and thoughts on doing it publicly.

It has been one hell of a ride. Full of ups and downs, gripping shit. A real white-knuckle thrill ride of the year.

You can learn theory. You can observe people, but it is not until you have done it yourself that you will be able to understand a lot more things.

After getting the filmmaking bug, I want to keep the fire burning. I want to do more things. More short films. Find other places, other homes, other formats for my stories. I can feel the romance.

So today, I formulated some plots. I want to up the ante, drive up the scale. Take it to the next level. End of the day, I tell stories.

But I have nothing really. No money, no whatever. All I have, is my wit, and my will.

For I am Lucifer. I get under your skin. I am the God of the Covenant. The Lord of Destruction. The Superhuman Samurai.

KL48HFP - We Did It!

We, Team Stereo Pixels Studio, managed to submit our five minute short film to the KL 48 Hour Film Festival Drop Off at KL Tower tonight, at 10 minutes before the deadline.

We wanted to send it in one minute before, so we were actually nine minutes ahead of schedule.

Right now, I'm just bloody fucking tired, but with a smile on my face.

Our team got 'drama' as our random genre and I was apprehensive from the start. Drama is wide and vague. There is much to decide. And sure enough, we experienced drama as well.

We decided to spend the first 12 hours after the kickoff at 10pm Friday, to write a story. Shooting began at 3pm on Saturday, after everyone had lunch, and we wrapped at 9.30pm. That's six and a half hours for a five minute thing. It was smooth. Too smooth.

What first was a fun outing with friends soon turned into a battlezone as we hurried to edit, do some additional shots and get some elements for the thing. Rendering was and still is a bitch.

What I wanted - and received - was experience and exposure on the actual process and roles of production for films. I also wanted to know how it would be like working with actors, giving them motivation, and working with the DOP to plan shots, sometimes on the fly.

I also got experience as key grip and part-time boom operator. Trapped with a small space for some of the shots, I ended up with the actor in front of me and a camera in my hand with my ass pressed on the cold side of a washing machine.

We shot from all manner of uncomfortable places, which is why, I guess, some movies used sets. It was like, "Oooooohhh, this is why..."

Most importantly, it was great to work and share experience with the team. Without a great crew and cast, this thing would never have happened.

So, I would like to give my thanks to the team of Stereo Pixels Studio - Fareeq, Roy, Linda, Satpal and Sani. Fantastic people to work with.

In fact, even before the KL48HFP concluded for us, we are already planning some of our own short film projects. Satpal is shooting a mockumentary of sorts and we brainstormed an idea - while editing and rendering the short we were doing - that would be funny, controversial and make an honest woman out of Satpal, who is a virile young man.

Roy will do an adaptation of a short story. Maybe two.

Meanwhile, I have figured out my next short - Gadis Idaman or Dream Girl. Which I will write, shoot and edit by end of the year. I will take more than 48 hours, so the quality will be very polished indeed.

I would also like to give a shout out to the people who organised this thing around the world, especially the ones in KL. I'm definitely joining next year, regardless of whatever.

And finally, Thank God my leave for tomorrow was approved. I finally feel tired. To the bones.

Notes on the Run: KL 48 Hour Film Project

I'll be updating any and all progress on my team's entry into the KL 48 Hour Film Project, both here and on Twitter: @amirhimself . If you want to follow the KL 48 Hour Film Project itself, here's their handle: @KL48HFP .

I am excited. Can't you tell? I know things will go wrong - something already has, with our missing lead actor, and whatever. But this is something we can fix. This is something we can control, with enough freedom to do it however we want it.

I have missed this freedom, and today, here it is. I feel energised. I feel alive. I live! Again!

Okay, I think I'll take a nap.

I'm a Fucking Genius and Shit

It's 4,47am and I am still awake, gathering even more information before the KL 48 Hour Film Project.

I knew this would happen, so I took leave today (Friday). Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to work. Well, I could, but it might be very difficult.

I think too much and if I had gone to work today, it would be very difficult to get anything done.

I'm currently watching videos. Tons of them. It's fucking crazy, broseph. I have visualised the kind of thought process that must happen as soon as the team gets our genre. I know what to say, what to do, how early I have to be there.

What I don't know is what will happen, or what kind of stories we will do or discuss. I leave that for later.

I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself. Let's leave some things to chance, and see if our luck can hold. So far, the lead actor for the team is stuck somewhere up north and we have no actor.

This already means some frantic phone calls around 9-10pm. Otherwise, I have to deliver an Academy Award winning performance myself. Or a Raspberry one.

You fuckers may not know, but somewhere in the depths of RTM's vaults, lie some of the worst acting ever done by mankind.

Yeah, I was on TV a few times. Big whoop. I can't act for shit, because I am obsessed with telling the truth. Or something. Oh, man, I am so fucking noble and shit.

Dude, I have done everything I ever wanted to do - and some things I did not and do not want to do. Whatever desires I have not fulfilled, I cast off. Letting go was and still is one damn difficult thing to learn.

I mean, I'm a fucking genius and shit.

Oh, man. I better go to bed.

48 Hours in Less Than 24 Hours

The KL 48 Hours Film Project will start in less than 24 hours. This is the first time most of my team members  are doing this, including me.

I have done full feature films before, but have never even attempted a short film. I - and many others, though citation is needed - used to think short films were merely training grounds for feature films.

It is easy to think that way, but I believe this to be a fallacy. You don't write short stories as training for writing novels. There are also masters of the short story - R.A Lafferty, Ray Bradbury, Guy de Maupassant, Edgar Allan Poe, Roger Zelazny - who write wonderful short stories not to train to become novelists.

Though I must confess that I am using this opportunity to try my hand at directing. Do I want to become a director? I don't know - this is not the intention for me when I say I want to try my hand at directing. I believe that doing different jobs, undertaking different tasks in a project will give me a better understanding of the process.

I have never been a great teacher, but I believe I am always a good student. This opportunity will allow me to capture some essence and feel of a cinematic project. What I do with the experience is a different matter.

I'll tell aspiring filmmakers this - if you want some form of exposure - to the craft or to the industry - short films are a good way to go about it. But if you believe that simply doing a short film will break you into the industry, I believe you are taking the long route. Nothing wrong with that, though.

You wanna make films? Features? Why, simply go and do one. Various productions are always on the lookout for production assistants, scriptwriters, line producers and the like. Pick what role you want to do, and apply for it. Experience in making short films will definitely help, like how a degree in filmmaking can also help. But it's not necessary.

Just do it for fun. I say this as I begin to feel some form of controlling instinct over my team. I do hope I don't get lost in the whole thing and become a tyrant or something.

All in all, I do believe this will be good fun and hopefully, we can make great short films. As for my team, I can say that if we do something great, it is because we are all geniuses who just need a RM200 million grant. If what we eventually do is crappy it's only because we had just 48 hours to do it. Give us RM200 million and I'll give you the best movie ever.

All right, then. Bring it on, motherfucker!

Askar Jerman Yang Penyedih: Kisah Askar Jerman

Dulu, aku askar Jerman, tapi sebelum aku jadi askar Jerman, aku belajar kat UM.

Lepas habis study kat UM,. dalam bidang sains komputer, aku jadi cashier kat farmasi. Secara jujurnya, aku dapat tawaran untuk bawak, present dan cuba jual sistem pendidikan yang aku develop ke Portugal pada tahun akhir. Tetapi, memandangkan aku tak suka sangat Figo masa tu (Ronaldo dulu orang Brazil yang gemuk, dengan gigi yang boleh letak duit syiling 20 sen kat tengah, bukan penerjun gaya bebas papan anjal Portugal yang kita kenal dan benci sekarang), aku bagitau lecturer aku, aku nak jadi penulis.

Makanan aku masa tu, dengan gaji RM600 sebulan, biasanya telur dadar, nasi dan aji-shio. Aji-shio ni adalah serbuk lada sulah yang dicampur garam dan aji-no-moto. Weekend, aku makan mi goreng.

Kalau aku makan benda tu sampai sekarang, aku jamin 60% aku dah arwah tahun lepas.

Kat tempat kerja, aku beli nasi goreng kat Carrefour (disebut Cafu, sebab dimiliki pemain bolasepak Brazil Cafu) yang dikira ikut berat. AKu biasa cangkul ayam dalam nasi goreng. Kadang-kadang, aku makan setengah kilo nasi goreng.

Masa tu jugak, aku menulis untuk satu food guide yang hanya bayar aku dengan makanan yang aku makan untuk buat food review.

Ko tau aku makan apa? Shephered's pie, Australian crab, kat hampir semua restoran five dan four star kat KL ni. Paling best? Bagi aku, chicken liver pate - hati ayam dilenyek jadi cam mentega. Makan dengan toasted baguette atau ciabatta kat satu restoran ni.

Aku hantar skrip ke banyak gila production house. Satu je ambik. Itu kerja tulis skrip pertama aku. Bayar RM900 per episod. Zaman jahiliyah. Tapi aku tetap bersyukur.

Diorang nak pitch siri animasi baru, jadi aku keluarkan tiga cerita aku. Semua kena reject pasal Menteri masa tu "suka IT," katanya. Jadi kita buat cerita pasal IT. Hahahaha! Cam haram.

Makanan aku masa tu nasi campur. Ni kira power gila la ni, pasal sebelum tu, aku lima tahun kat UM makan roti canai.

Ada Zam Nasi Kandar - legendary sebab satu bungkus boleh makan dua orang, dua kali. Power gila.

Orang sekarang, makan main buang-buang je. Yelah, dah kaya.

Anyway, aku pun masuk jadi askar Jerman sampailah sekarang, lepas aku rasa tulis skrip ni takleh buat duit sebanrnya.

Industri kita, bukan besar sangat. Maka bermulalah kerjaya aku sebagai askar Jerman dengan menulis sebagai hobi.

Aku masih menunggu satu hari bila aku boleh menghasilkan cerita-cerita aku sendiri dan aku tak perlu buat benda lain demi mensubsidikan kehidupan aku yang semakin kacak dan bergaya.

Malam ni, aku teringat rasa aji-shio. Aku dah lama tak makan aji-no-moto, sebab aku taknak kena kanser.

Q4 Targets

As a corporate figure, I have end of the year targets for myself.

First among these is this achievement - I want to wear skinny jeans. There is a type of skinny jeans I can wear, and I aim to call up my fashion trader friend dude to help me out.

This is in line with my second target - I want to lose a total 20kg since I started my weight-loss regime in the middle of the year. My overall target is 40kg in two years. If I can reach half of that within six months - just slightly above the quarter mark - then I believe I will stand a good chance indeed.

The third target is - I want to finish two novels that have been sitting around my head and my PC for yonks. One is like one of my favourite high concept animes, to be done in BM, and another is an English novel that tells the story of a secret Malaysia and a man who falls for a dead woman.

Fourth on my list is at least two short films. One will be done during the KL 48 Hour Film Project, and another perhaps shortly after that.

Fifth is to be free from debts. I might not have much in terms of savings because I spent it all paying off all my debts. Debts incur interests and charges that eat away at my earnings, so I decided this year to get rid of all that. My credit cards are all paid off, which is a relief, and I am working on my PTPTN loan. I hope by the end of the year to clear this one off as well.

Sixth target by the end of the year is to learn swimming. Particularly, the freestyle. There is a pool here, perfect for exercising, but I have never used it. It was either learn how to swim, or take up ballroom dancing. Dancers usually have beautiful bodies, because they know how to move properly. Swimming, though, is a more practical exercise.

Seventh target is to learn all I need to run a company properly. I started my own company several years ago, but without the kind of skills or knowledge to run it and I left it mostly in the hands of my partners.

Eighth target is to hone my people skills. Several years ago, my people skills were the worst in the history of mankind. I can see the information flow and the complex dynamics of relationships, but I thought to act based on that is cheating.

Now, with Eckhart Tolle, I can move better than before, as myself - an arrogantly honest man. My ego, myself, has not let go of my no lying policy. It has served me well. I have never told a lie and I am still here. I'm not rich, but my sleep is good and I rarely have bad dreams.

The ninth and final target is to win the lottery. C'mon, dice of the universe, don't fail me now! I want to win RM20 million.

Kitaran Asura: Berak Kepala Keluar Apa?

Awek tu gelak je, bila aku cakap pasal aturan hidup aku sekarang.

"Ko taknak cari bini ke?"

"Buat apa?" tanya aku.

Kalau aku nak bersihkan rumah, aku panggil pakcik Hindu yang warak. Semua bank aku, dalam 5 minit naik teksi.

Semua benda dalam lima minit naik teksi. Shopping mall ada tiga setengah - Bangsar Village I and II, BSC, Midvalley Megamall. Aku nak makan mamak, Mahbub ada kat Lucky Garden. Nak massage betul? Thai Odyssey ada kat Jalan Telawi. Nak bayar Unifi secara manual? Telawi. Nak renew passport? PBD ada imigresen.

Dentist aku kat sini, dan klinik aku pun kat sini jugak.

Nak fast-food apa? Semua jenis fast-food yang ada kat Malaysia ni dalam lingkungan lima minit je dengan rumah aku, kecuali Sugar Bun. Tapi aku tak makan fast food dah.

Aku dah atur hidup aku, supaya semua benda sepelaung sahaja. Jalan kaki pun boleh.

Dobi naik harga, jadi aku beli washer dan dryer. Aku beli pun, sebab aku nak pergi gym. Kenalah basuh baju yang berpeluh tu, untuk kegunaan esok.

Companionship? Bangsar tempat pertemuan yang strategik untuk ramai kawan aku.

Secara praktikal, lokasi dan aturan logistik aku membolehkan aku hidup senang, tanpa perlu menyumpah seranah sambil memandu kereta di jalan yang jam setiap hari.

Secara emosi dan kerohanian, aku percaya pada falsafah New Age yang banyak menolong aku berdamai dengan ketentuan Tuhan pasal aku. Kadang-kadang, bila penat, aku masih meroyan, macam tadi. Tapi kesihatan mental aku jaga dengan bertafakur dan teknik pernafasan yang membolehkan aku melancarkan Kitaran Asura.

Aku mungkin takda simpanan, tapi akhir tahun ni, aku nak bebas daripada hutang-piutang, termasuk PTPTN. Supaya aku jadi orang merdeka.

Jadi, apa lagi yang aku nak, sebenarnya?

Bila ada yang tanya, aku memang tak nak anak. Aku taknak berkeluarga, sebab keluarga ni bukanlah satu perkara yang indah atau berguna. Tidaklah juga sesuatu yang hodoh, bodoh atau menyusahkan, tetapi sememangnya semua di atas.

Satu-satunya sebab aku nak bersama mana-mana perempuan adalah sebab-sebab yang ideal dan memualkan. Juga, seks yang rakus dan hebat. Oh hohohohoho!

Expectations

Expectation is the reason for all disappointments.

This is why I usually cast aside all expectations. Actually, that's not true. I expect everything to be fucked up, so whenever they don't, I am pleasantly surprised.

See, expectations are merely ideas we have in our head of how something is or how it will be. Here's the secret - it never is. Plato talked about the ideal horse, which does not exist, except in the minds of man, blablabla, wank wank wank.

I know enough to say I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I KNOW I'm right. Being right is not what I want anyway, or that inferior, cheap imitation - BEING SEEN as right.

Me? I just watch the world end. If it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Wankoholic

I am in the most difficult industry known to man - communications.

Everything I do is within this field - my writings, my jobs, my projects - all of it boils down to communication.

The worst state to be in is if you start thinking you are talking to yourself, in images and vocabulary only you understand.

I appreciate professional wrestling and prostitution because those two things boil down large, complex ideas into the simplest forms of communication.

Pro-wrestling embodies all the stories ever told with two entities stepping into the ring - one good, one evil - they fight, and one walks out the winner.

Prostitution takes away the most complex of all mind and ego games - the dance-battle of the sexes, and the entire institution of marriage, society and community - and presents the entire concept as what it truly is - paying money for sex.

Marriage is money for sex. Families are basically a highly evolved form of prostitution and children the side-effects of breeding.

Sometimes, I do feel like a genius, but it is not a nice feeling.

Sometimes, it feels like telling you all I know and understand is like filling the entire knowledge of mankind into the mind of an ant. This is my arrogance. Unfortunately, sometimes it is true, in the sense that this is how I feel.

Okay, I'm going to masturbate now.

Divas Before Divans

Too much dopamine, and I am bouncing up and down inside my head. This article should take the rest of my energy out of me and prepare me for bed.

I like hanging around young people, because regardless of the industry they're in, they are all so enthusiastic.

I met one guy who doesn't give a fuck about the state of the film industry - he shot a 40-minute feature using guerrilla bowfinger tactics. He got friends and family to help him out, almost got arrested by the police for filming a shooting scene using toy guns without a permit and he is a director of a feature at 20 years of age.

When I was 20, I was still trying to get people to draw comics for me.

I was convinced, way back in 2000, that my comics are the best in the world - if only someone wanted to draw them. I became one of those annoying writers who sought people out to undertake things I did not understand.

I see these people, sometime, approaching 40 and still don't understand what a collaborative medium is. They're still up on their high horse, thinking people should make way for them and their idiosyncrasies cause they fucking deserve it. Fucking elitist, entitled shit.

 I'll tell you how I got published, how I got to write some of the more interesting film and TV projects - to me, at least - in the past 10 years.

First, I wrote. A lot. Then I went and other writers, publishers, editors, filmmakers. A lot. I understood that no one was going to make way for me. Hell, Dr Dre came from Compton and even he had to yell, "straight  from Compton so get out tha way" or some shit.

By the time I met other people practising the craft, and in the industry, I was ready. Some people saw that and they asked me to write stuff. In those days, I never rejected any writing job people asked me to do. Not a single one. Cause I was grateful I wasn't hauling cement or manure back in Kuantan.

All those jobs nobody wanted to do cause it was too hard? I did it. A few times. All those people they said were too difficult to work with? I worked with them. Not all of them, but enough for me to know that it's the same everywhere.

If you want to get opportunities, you don't turn down shit. You can't afford to be a diva until you wake up one day with feather boas up your ass and glitter on your dick.

This is also something I don't understand. Some young people really respect those who can do a diva storm-off. You know what people my age call those who storm off like a diva? A fucking idiot.

If you're at the top of your game, you either can change any situation to suit your wants and needs, or you avoid bullshit like the plague; bullshit and negativity slides right off you. Sometimes you get caught, but if you're that damn good, nothing can touch you, ya dig?

Diva tantrums are for amateurish bullshit artists. Been there. Done that. Like an old meme being shared by Twilight fans.

I'll tell you what's important in life - peace. It's not BEING SEEN as great. It's just being great. Period.

Divas have a not-so-secret flaw. Their existence depends on other people. They live off the good grace of other people. Once that runs out, they're just old, wrinkly, sad people with too much makeup on.

I've met real divas, people who were or are recognised divas. They're human. Amazingly professional and secure. Surprisingly easy to work with if they believe you know what you're doing.

Those fucktards who believe that being a diva who commands respect simply happens by demanding respect are people whom I call fucktards. They're sad, evil, spiteful little creatures who are not worth anyone's time.

What the fuck was I writing? Oh, I'm about to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Man and Machine: Power Extreme

I just finished one phase of a small writing project and I am awash with naturally occurring dopamine. Okay, I am happy and relieved.

I was supposed to send it in On Friday, but I managed to finish it today. Tonight, really, and I am so happy, I feel like writing another 2000 words on my novel.

Technically, a novel is 50,000 words. If I write 2000 words a day, I could finish it in 25 days, theoretically.

My record was 12,000 words, back when I was younger. I wrote my first novel in two weeks. Well, not really. I wrote three chapters in the first six months, and as the deadline loomed, I quit my job and went on a white heat of writing until it was finished two weeks later. Deadlines does wonders to creative writing, I tell you, though the result may vary in its quality.

However, I am not a machine. It doesn't work that way, the 2000 words every day for 25 days. It never did. And forcefully imposing deadlines also doesn't really work.

If only I could treat myself like a machine, that would be fantastic. But I am not. No human is a machine. You can't run a compiler until all bugs are fixed - in some cases, this just makes problems bigger.

It takes a whole lot of planning and stuff when it comes to humans - the most complex of all creatures. And writers are simply demanding to be special by being stubbornly lazy.

Neil Gaiman was - and is - right. He had only three advice for writers, or wannabe writers:

1. Read.
2. Write.
3. Finish what you write.

There are currently two novels unfinished in my computer. Five comics/animation series, seven TV series, a few movies, etc. ALL unfinished. Thankfully, no one is actually waiting for these things. These are all original concepts I hope to make one day.

Whenever I finish any of them, I would always feel as if a weight has been lifted. As if I could fly. Like how I feel now. I hate the feeling of an impending doom with piling on writing tasks.

Some people talk about ideas for stories and how important they are. Some lazy bastards sometimes approach me and tell me they have the best of ideas, and they would do me a favour my telling me their ideas, so I could write them and sell it to KRU or something.

Because they've done the hard part, see? They sat alone, while taking a dump and they had an idea. All I had to do was write it.

Well, fuck you.

Everybody has ideas. I can go to any person on the street and get at least 10 great ideas for movies. I have more than enough ideas to last me a lifetime - thank God. The challenging part is writing them, executing them, finding a home for all the ideas.

Some ideas require money. Others, time. ALL require you to sit down, sometimes without pants on, in front of the computer and hammering on the keyboards for hours. KeyboardS, with an 's', plural, because whenever I go on a writing binge, I go through several of these.

Behind me are four keyboards which no longer have the white paint of the letters on them, because I wrote using  them a lot. In the living room, are three or four more. That's how much writing I've done this year.

Around seven to eight keyboards' worth. Most of them missing the paint of the letters, while others are stuck with lots and lots of cigarette ashes. And other things. This keyboard I'm writing on right now? Half the paint of 'A' and 'O' is missing while the bottom half of 'T' is also gone.

The best keyboards are made by HP. The keys  have such rich feedback. Tactile response at its best.

Anyway, I am just so happ