All day, I felt like I was racing towards the finish line, which is now.
I just wanted to get through the day, the week, so I could finally sleep. As always, once you reach the pinnacle of something, you linger. I am lingering now.
I know some things are in good hands. I also started some things tonight which will ripple towards the end of next month, towards the end of this year and perhaps to the end of my life.
I only have so much time before the world tire of me and discard me to the bin labeled 'decompose'. Everything I'm doing takes me further towards something I have planned and pondered for decades.
Last week, I went and joined an open house organised by and for people like me. Fans of comics and animation who decided to embark in creating stuff themselves.
I must admit I'm a little jealous. Not for their achievements, as I have my own, or for their money, even though I have just enough. I am jealous because these people retained their sense of wide-eyed wonder, while I discarded everything to be a jaded machine.
My narrative is incomplete. What I'm working on is not yet finished. And yet I couldn't help but wonder, had I taken the innocent route, would I have been closer to my goals? Should I have taken another turn, somewhere? Would it have gotten me there quicker?
Regardless, all these do not make me happy, sad or anything. I understand enough to know that true happiness comes from not giving a fuck, and giving a fuck only when it is needed and necessary.
But I can't help but wonder at the innocence lost. It felt as if I went to sleep one day, innocent, and woke up to piles of pussy.
While others built their nerdvana and some started breeding stables or nurturing a rabid nest of psychosis, I focused on whatever was at hand, knowing that there is a grand design of my own, but not knowing whether I will ever get there.
I guess, when you reach the edge of a cliff, and you see the turbulent waters underneath, you might hesitate to make the leap. I have made many jumps in my life and I do not regret a single one. Some were miraculous in the sense that I am still alive. Others were simply bad decisions.
No, I'm not talking about risks. My great cliff, before I reach the mountain, is whether all these disjointed components will fit, in the end?
My great leap is a leap of faith. In myself, in all and everything I have ever done to get me to come full circle.
Nothing matters, sure, but will anything work? Will everything move like clockwork, as I have planned?
It is an interesting show. Let's grab our balls and watch the pulleys turn, and raise the curtain.
