I have with me now, old newsreels, around three hours of a recorded interview I did, old documents, new documents, pictures and around 100GB of various footages.
I need to finish this script by tonight. Means I will finish at least half before 5pm, when I am scheduled to go out.
And this is WITHOUT a day job. I have chosen wisely.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Kisah Leftenan Jurutulis yang Terlampau: Langkawi
Aku pergi buat research kat Langkawi. Baru balik ni. Penat pun tak abis lagi. Baru je sampai rumah dalam 10 minit.
Aku blah KL Jumaat malam Sabtu. Ingat nak naik keretapi, tapi keretapi sudah penuh. Tanya kat minah kaunter maklumat kat KL Sentral. Ada bas ke Alor Setar, tapi kat Hentian Duta.
Teksi!
Hentian Duta. Ambik bas pukul 11.30. Bertolak pukul 12 tengah malam. Sampai di Alor Setar pukul 6 lebih.
Breakfast roti je beb, member aku hentam Maggi, kat luar jeti Kuala Kedah sambil tunggu feri pertama jalan pukul 7.15 pagi.
Sampai kat Langkawi pukul 9 pagi. Terus sewa kereta, start buat kerja. Tak tidur lagi ni.
Boom bang, bumbang, kongkang, sampai pukul 6.30 petang. Baru cari bilik. Letak je beg, aku terus cari massage.
Pilih punya pilih, aku masuk la satu rumah urut ni. Tengah ready je nak kena massage, masuk la tukang urut. Jantan siut! Haram jadah betul. Aku nak kensel, dia hantar orang lain. Perempuan la.
Balik ke bilik pukul 7 lebih. Bangun pukul 8 malam. Aku ronda satu Langkawi, dibawak dek seorang Beach Boy. Memang gila babi la dia cerita, pumpang, pumpang.
"Ini hospital ni, kalau dia bangkit, gabung dengan jeti tu, jadi Ultraman."
Aku: Oooo.
Beach Boy: Ko ni, Bond ka?
Aku: Barry Bonds?
BB: Tak. James Bond la. Piew! Piew!
Aku: Ooo. Takdak aih. Aku orang biasa ja.
Aku keluar pukul 8 malam tadi, aku balik pukul 3 pagi baru sampai bilik.
Tidur, bangun pukul 8.30 pagi. Check out, keluar ronda satu kali lagi.
Balik ke jeti pukul 4 petang, ambik feri pukul 4.30, sampai ke Kuala Kedah pukul 6.
Naik keretapi pukul 7.45 malam. Gila best, keretapi ada katil. Syok tidur kat dalam tu. Sampai di KL pukul 5.30 pagi.
Lepak-lepak kejap, balik.
Sampai kat apartment aku ni, aku kena tulis dan habiskan something, hantar pukul 12, kalau boleh.
Gila betul kehidupan aku ni.
Aku blah KL Jumaat malam Sabtu. Ingat nak naik keretapi, tapi keretapi sudah penuh. Tanya kat minah kaunter maklumat kat KL Sentral. Ada bas ke Alor Setar, tapi kat Hentian Duta.
Teksi!
Hentian Duta. Ambik bas pukul 11.30. Bertolak pukul 12 tengah malam. Sampai di Alor Setar pukul 6 lebih.
Breakfast roti je beb, member aku hentam Maggi, kat luar jeti Kuala Kedah sambil tunggu feri pertama jalan pukul 7.15 pagi.
Sampai kat Langkawi pukul 9 pagi. Terus sewa kereta, start buat kerja. Tak tidur lagi ni.
Boom bang, bumbang, kongkang, sampai pukul 6.30 petang. Baru cari bilik. Letak je beg, aku terus cari massage.
Pilih punya pilih, aku masuk la satu rumah urut ni. Tengah ready je nak kena massage, masuk la tukang urut. Jantan siut! Haram jadah betul. Aku nak kensel, dia hantar orang lain. Perempuan la.
Balik ke bilik pukul 7 lebih. Bangun pukul 8 malam. Aku ronda satu Langkawi, dibawak dek seorang Beach Boy. Memang gila babi la dia cerita, pumpang, pumpang.
"Ini hospital ni, kalau dia bangkit, gabung dengan jeti tu, jadi Ultraman."
Aku: Oooo.
Beach Boy: Ko ni, Bond ka?
Aku: Barry Bonds?
BB: Tak. James Bond la. Piew! Piew!
Aku: Ooo. Takdak aih. Aku orang biasa ja.
Aku keluar pukul 8 malam tadi, aku balik pukul 3 pagi baru sampai bilik.
Tidur, bangun pukul 8.30 pagi. Check out, keluar ronda satu kali lagi.
Balik ke jeti pukul 4 petang, ambik feri pukul 4.30, sampai ke Kuala Kedah pukul 6.
Naik keretapi pukul 7.45 malam. Gila best, keretapi ada katil. Syok tidur kat dalam tu. Sampai di KL pukul 5.30 pagi.
Lepak-lepak kejap, balik.
Sampai kat apartment aku ni, aku kena tulis dan habiskan something, hantar pukul 12, kalau boleh.
Gila betul kehidupan aku ni.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa Documentary
This Friday, Feb 25, at 6pm, on TV3, there will be broadcast a documentary on Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa.
Half serious documentary, half the making of the upcoming movie (to be released March 10), it is a good basic overview of the myth.
I was also interviewed, as the scriptwriter, where I talk about the possibility of the legend being real. Of course, the historians are all more knowledgable in this matter, and they weigh in as well.
I personally believe the subject to be very interesting, academically. With all the richness of the saga, and the material at hand, I believe even a series of serious documentaries is possible.
For example, did you know that according to the hikayat, as collected by RJ Wilkinson, Merong Mahawangsa was Roman?
In my research, I found many theories, including Merong is Indian on the account of his name being Sanskrit, that he was Thai, because his name is Thai Sanskrit. That he was Chinese (real name Ma Her Wing Sher). That he was Pattani. That he was Goan. Greek. Srivijayan. From a lost kingdom left by Alexander the Great near India.
The saga itself stretches a thousand years. From the opening of Langkasuka in the second century (according to some Chinese records) to the time of the alleged first Muslim Sultan of Kedah (Sultan Muzaffar Shah/Sultan Mulzalfal Shah) in the 1100s.
This is at odds with the discovery of Batu Bersurat Terengganu that puts the coming of Islam in 1313.
The characters number in the hundreds. This includes Raja Bersiong, the blood drinker, as well as Phra Ong Mahawangsa who later embraced Islam.
The documentary/making of to be broadcast this Friday will give some basic information on the matter as well as reveal some more footages of the movie.
Catch the show, and watch the movie. It will be released on March 10 in Malaysia, and is available in 72 countries worldwide.
Half serious documentary, half the making of the upcoming movie (to be released March 10), it is a good basic overview of the myth.
I was also interviewed, as the scriptwriter, where I talk about the possibility of the legend being real. Of course, the historians are all more knowledgable in this matter, and they weigh in as well.
I personally believe the subject to be very interesting, academically. With all the richness of the saga, and the material at hand, I believe even a series of serious documentaries is possible.
For example, did you know that according to the hikayat, as collected by RJ Wilkinson, Merong Mahawangsa was Roman?
In my research, I found many theories, including Merong is Indian on the account of his name being Sanskrit, that he was Thai, because his name is Thai Sanskrit. That he was Chinese (real name Ma Her Wing Sher). That he was Pattani. That he was Goan. Greek. Srivijayan. From a lost kingdom left by Alexander the Great near India.
The saga itself stretches a thousand years. From the opening of Langkasuka in the second century (according to some Chinese records) to the time of the alleged first Muslim Sultan of Kedah (Sultan Muzaffar Shah/Sultan Mulzalfal Shah) in the 1100s.
This is at odds with the discovery of Batu Bersurat Terengganu that puts the coming of Islam in 1313.
The characters number in the hundreds. This includes Raja Bersiong, the blood drinker, as well as Phra Ong Mahawangsa who later embraced Islam.
The documentary/making of to be broadcast this Friday will give some basic information on the matter as well as reveal some more footages of the movie.
Catch the show, and watch the movie. It will be released on March 10 in Malaysia, and is available in 72 countries worldwide.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Village People: The Hart Foundation
I had four meetings today. Feel like I wanna pass out.
The good thing is, I managed to get a possible foundation to house the project under. This is cool, if it happens.
Cheers!
The good thing is, I managed to get a possible foundation to house the project under. This is cool, if it happens.
Cheers!
Soapbox: Journey to the Rest
They say that a journey ends when you come back to the same spot you started, with new eyes with which to view your surroundings. Perhaps yourself.
This past year, I started off at a very clear point in my life. I ironed out all the uncertainties - knew exactly where I was and where I'm going, and had just finished my bit of soul searching.
Now, I have decided to leave all that behind. The comfort and solace I felt was no longer comfortable and things were becoming quite chaotic.
Coming full circle, I am reacquainted with the great philosophers whose words I listened to but did not fully understand, a year ago.
It's easy to be Captain Hindsight, but here it is. Here I am.
All my life, I have had women come up to me with their tales of betrayal. Either they betrayed other people, or more usually, tales of how they were betrayed. I thought I was doing them a favour by listening to them. Little did I suspect that those stories were probably meant for me.
I beat depression in 2003, 2006 and 2008. I thought I had it covered. But then, recently, I was in its thrall yet again. Every time, it feels like the worst time it happened, but the Truth is, I don't know.
I know for a fact that any type of negativity comes from identifying with an image or a role that is created by the delusional self. I used to know it, now I have gone through it.
The mind is the great deceiver. It tells us that we are defined by our cars, our clothes, the books we read, blah blah blah. It doesn't. Those things only define our selves to other people and if your God is Other People, then I guess it is true for you.
What I believe in is that we are not all of that at all. That at the very essence, at a basic fundamental level, we are so much more than our possessions and our actions that we have accumulated around us.
In essence, I believe in the soul. The spirit. And I believe that we are all connected.
The Absolute Terror fields, made up of things - of matter, thoughts and dreams - are simply there as an imperfect shell.
We are never who we THINK we are or the little stories we tell ourselves about us. To believe in those images - those illusions - is delusional. It is a mental illness, much like believing in black magic, African money, pyramid schemes or an invisible pink unicorn.
I have had much to ponder these past few months, and I have come to the realisation that the more you think of something, the less value it has. Try it.
It only bogs you down.
Tired of pretending and focusing on things that do not matter, I started a series of actions that has led me here, where I was two years ago, but with perhaps a clearer understanding of myself and the universe. And how they are both one and the same.
This past year, I started off at a very clear point in my life. I ironed out all the uncertainties - knew exactly where I was and where I'm going, and had just finished my bit of soul searching.
Now, I have decided to leave all that behind. The comfort and solace I felt was no longer comfortable and things were becoming quite chaotic.
Coming full circle, I am reacquainted with the great philosophers whose words I listened to but did not fully understand, a year ago.
It's easy to be Captain Hindsight, but here it is. Here I am.
All my life, I have had women come up to me with their tales of betrayal. Either they betrayed other people, or more usually, tales of how they were betrayed. I thought I was doing them a favour by listening to them. Little did I suspect that those stories were probably meant for me.
I beat depression in 2003, 2006 and 2008. I thought I had it covered. But then, recently, I was in its thrall yet again. Every time, it feels like the worst time it happened, but the Truth is, I don't know.
I know for a fact that any type of negativity comes from identifying with an image or a role that is created by the delusional self. I used to know it, now I have gone through it.
The mind is the great deceiver. It tells us that we are defined by our cars, our clothes, the books we read, blah blah blah. It doesn't. Those things only define our selves to other people and if your God is Other People, then I guess it is true for you.
What I believe in is that we are not all of that at all. That at the very essence, at a basic fundamental level, we are so much more than our possessions and our actions that we have accumulated around us.
In essence, I believe in the soul. The spirit. And I believe that we are all connected.
The Absolute Terror fields, made up of things - of matter, thoughts and dreams - are simply there as an imperfect shell.
We are never who we THINK we are or the little stories we tell ourselves about us. To believe in those images - those illusions - is delusional. It is a mental illness, much like believing in black magic, African money, pyramid schemes or an invisible pink unicorn.
I have had much to ponder these past few months, and I have come to the realisation that the more you think of something, the less value it has. Try it.
It only bogs you down.
Tired of pretending and focusing on things that do not matter, I started a series of actions that has led me here, where I was two years ago, but with perhaps a clearer understanding of myself and the universe. And how they are both one and the same.
Spirit: Stallion of the Silmarillion
I used to have a problem with people - even my close family members - treating the Koran or any Holy Book as a Book of Magic.
A lot of people see spirituality as some sort of magic act. Some sort of sorcery. You recite this verse here, and you cast lightning bolts or shoot lasers. Or magically conjure gold coins from thin air.
Used to. I found it delusional, and the ultimate kind of lying - the one you do to yourself.
I have always seen black magic as a form of mental illness, and I continue to do so to this day. This is why, I believe that in Islam, it is a great sin to practice any kind of magic or sorcery.
However, my derision has at times consumed me. Does it matter what other people believe in? What I believe in? Do I give a fuck?
I find it annoying, but to spend any time dwelling on it is dumb. It is much more productive for me to focus on my own shit.
I still believe that whatever you believe in, is right for you. No matter how dumb or stupid it seems to other people. You can believe politicians. Or you can believe me. Doesn't make you any smarter.
Hell, fuck should I care?
A lot of people see spirituality as some sort of magic act. Some sort of sorcery. You recite this verse here, and you cast lightning bolts or shoot lasers. Or magically conjure gold coins from thin air.
Used to. I found it delusional, and the ultimate kind of lying - the one you do to yourself.
I have always seen black magic as a form of mental illness, and I continue to do so to this day. This is why, I believe that in Islam, it is a great sin to practice any kind of magic or sorcery.
However, my derision has at times consumed me. Does it matter what other people believe in? What I believe in? Do I give a fuck?
I find it annoying, but to spend any time dwelling on it is dumb. It is much more productive for me to focus on my own shit.
I still believe that whatever you believe in, is right for you. No matter how dumb or stupid it seems to other people. You can believe politicians. Or you can believe me. Doesn't make you any smarter.
Hell, fuck should I care?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Malay Male's Political Roundup
I work in the entertainment industry, so when I want to entertain myself, I read political websites.
They no longer sicken me. They amuse me.
If you read them, you will notice that it was as if all these sites are written by the same person.
The spiteful personal attacks are all employed by both sides, which is just one side, really.
This is not a battle between BN and PR. It is a battle between the rich and how long they can make fools of the poor.
BN and PR are on one side - the TAKERS. And the people are on another side - the IDIOTS.
And then we have the so-called 'third option', which are foolish takers, because not only are they takers, they are doing a bang up job at it as well.
So who is right? Who is wrong? I don't care. I am here, to be entertained.
Pro-Government or anti-opposition sites are running rampant with what I see as personal attacks on Anwar Ibrahim. And Anwar can't say much, cause when he had the stand, with (at the time) 25 million Malaysians hanging on to his every word, I believe he lied ("I have boxes of evidence against the Government!") and he did personal attacks as well ("Whose wife is bald???!!!")
There is a storm brewing in the horizon. Some players are pushing for a race riot. In fact, I think there has always been a push for race violence, all the time. For some do understand that with chaos, comes opportunity.
I believe that the Tunisian, Egyptian and whatever movements are occuring right now, is not accidental. I don't believe it's the Jews, but after the dust has settled, whoever has the money is or was guilty of something.
Our mission, is not to be fooled, as even the best of us are manipulated or used sometimes. Our goal, is to keep ourselves safe from descending to the level of animals, or worse - politicians.
They no longer sicken me. They amuse me.
If you read them, you will notice that it was as if all these sites are written by the same person.
The spiteful personal attacks are all employed by both sides, which is just one side, really.
This is not a battle between BN and PR. It is a battle between the rich and how long they can make fools of the poor.
BN and PR are on one side - the TAKERS. And the people are on another side - the IDIOTS.
And then we have the so-called 'third option', which are foolish takers, because not only are they takers, they are doing a bang up job at it as well.
So who is right? Who is wrong? I don't care. I am here, to be entertained.
Pro-Government or anti-opposition sites are running rampant with what I see as personal attacks on Anwar Ibrahim. And Anwar can't say much, cause when he had the stand, with (at the time) 25 million Malaysians hanging on to his every word, I believe he lied ("I have boxes of evidence against the Government!") and he did personal attacks as well ("Whose wife is bald???!!!")
There is a storm brewing in the horizon. Some players are pushing for a race riot. In fact, I think there has always been a push for race violence, all the time. For some do understand that with chaos, comes opportunity.
I believe that the Tunisian, Egyptian and whatever movements are occuring right now, is not accidental. I don't believe it's the Jews, but after the dust has settled, whoever has the money is or was guilty of something.
Our mission, is not to be fooled, as even the best of us are manipulated or used sometimes. Our goal, is to keep ourselves safe from descending to the level of animals, or worse - politicians.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
If I Had Superman's Powers
First thing I'm gonna do is destroy the diamond trade.
I'll create diamond from coal. Fuck you, De Beers! This will render the Jewish diamond trade extinct.
Then, I'm going to fly to every country in the world, using my X-Ray vision to look at boobies.
I will wreak havoc on immigration laws as I go where I want.
Then I will kill, say, a billion people, and threaten the world with more killings unless I am made Emperor Supreme.
As Emperor Supreme, I will dictate that humans are banned from using fossil fuels. We will ALL have to rely on green energy. Petroleum will only be used for raw materials.
I will finally ban any and ALL fax machines. Fuck fax machines!
I will have a million concubines, mostly Thai.
I will make movies and anyone who does not go and watch them, will be killed.
The rich will have to take care of the poor, under threat of rape from mutant dogs.
Newspapers will exist as online only. People will be forced to read and record a certain number of books a year. Say, 50. Failure to do so will result in heavy fines.
Stupid people will be castrated.
The world will be ruled by me, with advice from scientists.
All business majors will be put to death. Goldman Sachs will be turned into a maximum security prison.
The Gaza Strip will be destroyed and the soil irradiated. Both Israelis and Palestinians will be spread all around the world, in communities of 50 or less.
I will bring back knight-errants and samurais as legalised, state-sponsored professions.
Children will all undergo IQ tests by 12. Those who fail, will be forced to eat their parents.
ANyone who voices out disagreements with Freedom of Speech will have their tongues pulled out. Slowly. Muahahahaha!
There will be no NGOs.
The practice of black magic, wicca, astrology and feng shui will be offences punihsable by death. Every year, I would personally execute practitioners of any form of magic that is not an illusion or trick.
Pyramid schemes as well as MLMs will be banned forever.
All conmen will be killed.
Comics would be required reading at all levels. Nudity is legal. So is prostitution.
I am such a benevolent Sovereign.
I'll create diamond from coal. Fuck you, De Beers! This will render the Jewish diamond trade extinct.
Then, I'm going to fly to every country in the world, using my X-Ray vision to look at boobies.
I will wreak havoc on immigration laws as I go where I want.
Then I will kill, say, a billion people, and threaten the world with more killings unless I am made Emperor Supreme.
As Emperor Supreme, I will dictate that humans are banned from using fossil fuels. We will ALL have to rely on green energy. Petroleum will only be used for raw materials.
I will finally ban any and ALL fax machines. Fuck fax machines!
I will have a million concubines, mostly Thai.
I will make movies and anyone who does not go and watch them, will be killed.
The rich will have to take care of the poor, under threat of rape from mutant dogs.
Newspapers will exist as online only. People will be forced to read and record a certain number of books a year. Say, 50. Failure to do so will result in heavy fines.
Stupid people will be castrated.
The world will be ruled by me, with advice from scientists.
All business majors will be put to death. Goldman Sachs will be turned into a maximum security prison.
The Gaza Strip will be destroyed and the soil irradiated. Both Israelis and Palestinians will be spread all around the world, in communities of 50 or less.
I will bring back knight-errants and samurais as legalised, state-sponsored professions.
Children will all undergo IQ tests by 12. Those who fail, will be forced to eat their parents.
ANyone who voices out disagreements with Freedom of Speech will have their tongues pulled out. Slowly. Muahahahaha!
There will be no NGOs.
The practice of black magic, wicca, astrology and feng shui will be offences punihsable by death. Every year, I would personally execute practitioners of any form of magic that is not an illusion or trick.
Pyramid schemes as well as MLMs will be banned forever.
All conmen will be killed.
Comics would be required reading at all levels. Nudity is legal. So is prostitution.
I am such a benevolent Sovereign.
The Cigarette Smoking Man
This is my last week as an editor at a newspaper. I spent yesterday passed out on my bed.
Last year, today, though, was a totally different story.
I would come to the office at 12 noon, when the Prime Minister would call me up.
PM: Hey, Amir.
Me: What do you want?
PM: Um, please don't run the story about the Malaysian Government killing 200 million non-Malays last week.
Me: Sure. Anything else?
PM: Yeah, can you touch up my picture so I would like this:
Me: Sure. You're considering him for the movie?
PM: Yeah, him or Johnny.
Me: Johnny will make you look either gay or bisexual.
PM: But Kevin Spacey IS... um... what is he?
Me: A space cadet? No, that was the other guy. Actually, I'm not sure, sir. But I'll edit your picture so you could look like him. And the ethnic cleansing? Yeah, I'll keep it under wraps.
After a long, drawn out lunch, I go for a meeting with a secret cabal of people who run the country.
Emperor of Sg Besi: The people are getting violent. We will release weed to counter this problem.
Marquis de Bukit Bintang: I will start discounts on all brothels and bordellos.
Me: Wait, what's the difference between brothels and bordellos?
MBB: Bordellos are more baroque. Tasteless decor and syphillis is untreatable.
Me: Ah.
PM: Anything you want to add, Amir?
Me: Yes. Can we kill more politicians? They are so fucking stupid! Yesterday, one of the opposition guys repeated that 'all pretty girls should stay home and suck dicks'.
Opposition Monarch: You have a problem with that?
Me: Well, not with the pretty girls sucking dicks part, but can't your guys be more subtle? And how can you fuck up in Penang and Selangor? We want to engineer a protest in 2012, and we all need you guys to carry the ball and pretend as if you're fighting for the people. You can't do that with all this stupid dinosaur thinking and crazy statements. Hell, you guys must win, dammit!
OM: Em. Well, we were born that way, Amir. We are that goddamn stupid and racist and chauvinistic.
Me: Ah, point taken. Nevermind then. How goes the vote-rigging and ghost voters?
PM: We have trapped 300 million gosts in our ecto-containment units, ready to be deployed.
Me: When the next election comes up, I want to be able to win Malaysia as well as large parts of Indonesia with all the ghosts we have.
OM: What about Singapore?
Me: Singapore only has ONE political party. What kind of election do they do? It would be strange if PAP were to compete as the sole party, and lose.
OM: Ah, yes.
Me: My Science, you are so stupid, if we are transported 65 million years ago, the dinosaurs would be digging up your fossils.
After tea, I would go and assassinate civil rights leaders.
Then it was dinner time, where I eat sushi off naked women's bodies.
So you see, I just got bored after a while and need to be a freelancer again.
Last year, today, though, was a totally different story.
I would come to the office at 12 noon, when the Prime Minister would call me up.
PM: Hey, Amir.
Me: What do you want?
PM: Um, please don't run the story about the Malaysian Government killing 200 million non-Malays last week.
Me: Sure. Anything else?
PM: Yeah, can you touch up my picture so I would like this:
Me: Sure. You're considering him for the movie?
PM: Yeah, him or Johnny.
Me: Johnny will make you look either gay or bisexual.
PM: But Kevin Spacey IS... um... what is he?
Me: A space cadet? No, that was the other guy. Actually, I'm not sure, sir. But I'll edit your picture so you could look like him. And the ethnic cleansing? Yeah, I'll keep it under wraps.
After a long, drawn out lunch, I go for a meeting with a secret cabal of people who run the country.
Emperor of Sg Besi: The people are getting violent. We will release weed to counter this problem.
Marquis de Bukit Bintang: I will start discounts on all brothels and bordellos.
Me: Wait, what's the difference between brothels and bordellos?
MBB: Bordellos are more baroque. Tasteless decor and syphillis is untreatable.
Me: Ah.
PM: Anything you want to add, Amir?
Me: Yes. Can we kill more politicians? They are so fucking stupid! Yesterday, one of the opposition guys repeated that 'all pretty girls should stay home and suck dicks'.
Opposition Monarch: You have a problem with that?
Me: Well, not with the pretty girls sucking dicks part, but can't your guys be more subtle? And how can you fuck up in Penang and Selangor? We want to engineer a protest in 2012, and we all need you guys to carry the ball and pretend as if you're fighting for the people. You can't do that with all this stupid dinosaur thinking and crazy statements. Hell, you guys must win, dammit!
OM: Em. Well, we were born that way, Amir. We are that goddamn stupid and racist and chauvinistic.
Me: Ah, point taken. Nevermind then. How goes the vote-rigging and ghost voters?
PM: We have trapped 300 million gosts in our ecto-containment units, ready to be deployed.
Me: When the next election comes up, I want to be able to win Malaysia as well as large parts of Indonesia with all the ghosts we have.
OM: What about Singapore?
Me: Singapore only has ONE political party. What kind of election do they do? It would be strange if PAP were to compete as the sole party, and lose.
OM: Ah, yes.
Me: My Science, you are so stupid, if we are transported 65 million years ago, the dinosaurs would be digging up your fossils.
After tea, I would go and assassinate civil rights leaders.
Then it was dinner time, where I eat sushi off naked women's bodies.
So you see, I just got bored after a while and need to be a freelancer again.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Creative Consultant
Lots of people seek my advice when doing creative projects - movies, TV series, etc which revolves around fiction. I usually dispense them for free, which is fine.
However, I am thinking of providing the service for a fee.
I'll be a creative consultant or some shit. I can put you through to writers, design artists, producers, directors, etc as well - whatever you need for your creative project.
That sounds rather nice.
However, I am thinking of providing the service for a fee.
I'll be a creative consultant or some shit. I can put you through to writers, design artists, producers, directors, etc as well - whatever you need for your creative project.
That sounds rather nice.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Signs that Your Company is Going Under
As the world's greatest business guru, I hereby list down signs that your company is either going to be sold, or close down for good.
1. Cyanide
The company starts buying life insurance for you, and then spikes the water cooler with cyanide.
How to detect this? Well, smell the water. Cyanide has no smell. If you do not smell anything funny, your water has been poisoned.
2. High Levels of Bullshit Jargon
Count the times your top management uses the words 'synergy', 'synergistic', 'strategic partnerships', 'social graph', and 'value-added'.
If those words make up of more than 50% of his speech, RUN!
Here's a translation of business jargon:
a. synergy/synergistic - we will get other departments to do the work cause we know jack shit about what we're doing.
b. strategic partnerships - we will get other companies to do something and then claim all the credit because our product is worthless.
c. social graph - I failed at everything in life, except popularity contests.
d. value-added - we are conmen and we want to con people
3. Corporate training
When all else fails, people usually turn to black magic, religion or gambling. Corporate training is all three combined.
If they hired people who need even more formal training (without say, change in systems, law, or expansion), then you know that either they think you're all idiots, or you are all idiots.
Yay.
1. Cyanide
The company starts buying life insurance for you, and then spikes the water cooler with cyanide.
How to detect this? Well, smell the water. Cyanide has no smell. If you do not smell anything funny, your water has been poisoned.
2. High Levels of Bullshit Jargon
Count the times your top management uses the words 'synergy', 'synergistic', 'strategic partnerships', 'social graph', and 'value-added'.
If those words make up of more than 50% of his speech, RUN!
Here's a translation of business jargon:
a. synergy/synergistic - we will get other departments to do the work cause we know jack shit about what we're doing.
b. strategic partnerships - we will get other companies to do something and then claim all the credit because our product is worthless.
c. social graph - I failed at everything in life, except popularity contests.
d. value-added - we are conmen and we want to con people
3. Corporate training
When all else fails, people usually turn to black magic, religion or gambling. Corporate training is all three combined.
If they hired people who need even more formal training (without say, change in systems, law, or expansion), then you know that either they think you're all idiots, or you are all idiots.
Yay.
Clear Your Calendar!
A documentary on Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa will be broadcast on TV3, Feb 25 at 6pm. Among the speakers include Malaysia's foremost historian Prof Khoo Khay Kim. And then there's me.
Congratulations to KRU, Azeez and Astra for pulling this off. Cheers!
Congratulations to KRU, Azeez and Astra for pulling this off. Cheers!
Depression
Hello. My name is Amir. I used to suffer from depression, until I decided to beat my depression with my neighbour's artificial leg.
Yes. I beat depression. So can you. If you can't, well maybe you should consider suicide.
Tired of the same-old, same-old? Change your surroundings, bitch! Move to a new country. Move house. Get a new apartment. Get a hobby. I quit my job, and started projects. Got a new lease on life and shit.
You can too. The only other option is to die as an emo kid. C'mon. Death isn't so bad. You're going to heaven, with lots of virgins, 25 US dollars and bragging rights.
Nothing lasts forever, foo! Good times, bad times, people, animals, plants. Nothing lasts. So take that jump off the apartment building today, or set yourself on fire. No one gives a shit anyway.
Please die. Please.
Yes. I beat depression. So can you. If you can't, well maybe you should consider suicide.
Tired of the same-old, same-old? Change your surroundings, bitch! Move to a new country. Move house. Get a new apartment. Get a hobby. I quit my job, and started projects. Got a new lease on life and shit.
You can too. The only other option is to die as an emo kid. C'mon. Death isn't so bad. You're going to heaven, with lots of virgins, 25 US dollars and bragging rights.
Nothing lasts forever, foo! Good times, bad times, people, animals, plants. Nothing lasts. So take that jump off the apartment building today, or set yourself on fire. No one gives a shit anyway.
Please die. Please.
The Mallot Mullet
As the world's greatest political analyst, I must say that Mallot dude, saying bad things about Malaysia in his column - and getting a lot of reaction in return from Utusan and NST - is both right and wrong.
First of all, there is some racist tension in Malaysia. No denying that. But worse than 1969? Well, I don't see anyone dead on the streets. I can still go out and fuck a hooker - of all colours of the rainbow - if I want to, safely, but I don't, cause I'm a Muslim and shit.
No, man. I just go out and pray at Merdeka Square using the Malaysian flag as a sejadah.
Hey, I still remember how to pray. First is the, umm, Takbiratul Ihram, and then, umm...anyway, Mallot dude.
Secondly, we should listen to criticism. And if we don't agree or don't like it, just give them the finger. "Fuck off and die, Mallot!" That's what we should say.
Third, why the fuck is this Mallot dude saying shit about Malaysia? Does he miss fucking our prostitutes?
"Oh, Mona Gersang, your puki bersepah is so exotic. I feel like I'm fucking a badger," said a Mallot body double.
Is it the food?
What the fuck is an American (possible) millionare doing, criticising a third world country? Did Obama bitchslap him with a gun? Banned him from critisizing his own country? SO he gotta do it about other countries?
Was he paid by ANwar to suck his dick? I dunno, man. The fact that a rich guy is talking about Malaysia, for what? Did Pos Malaysia lose your package the last time you were ambassador?
Did the Zoo Negara animals bit your ears cause they starvin' and shit? What's your beef, Mallot?
I don't buy that, "I'm a concerned citizen of the world" bullshit. The last time we heard that, we got colonised for 500 years.
Until I figure out Mallot's interest, I'm taking whatever he's saying with a bag of chikin wings.
First of all, there is some racist tension in Malaysia. No denying that. But worse than 1969? Well, I don't see anyone dead on the streets. I can still go out and fuck a hooker - of all colours of the rainbow - if I want to, safely, but I don't, cause I'm a Muslim and shit.
No, man. I just go out and pray at Merdeka Square using the Malaysian flag as a sejadah.
Hey, I still remember how to pray. First is the, umm, Takbiratul Ihram, and then, umm...anyway, Mallot dude.
Secondly, we should listen to criticism. And if we don't agree or don't like it, just give them the finger. "Fuck off and die, Mallot!" That's what we should say.
Third, why the fuck is this Mallot dude saying shit about Malaysia? Does he miss fucking our prostitutes?
"Oh, Mona Gersang, your puki bersepah is so exotic. I feel like I'm fucking a badger," said a Mallot body double.
Is it the food?
What the fuck is an American (possible) millionare doing, criticising a third world country? Did Obama bitchslap him with a gun? Banned him from critisizing his own country? SO he gotta do it about other countries?
Was he paid by ANwar to suck his dick? I dunno, man. The fact that a rich guy is talking about Malaysia, for what? Did Pos Malaysia lose your package the last time you were ambassador?
Did the Zoo Negara animals bit your ears cause they starvin' and shit? What's your beef, Mallot?
I don't buy that, "I'm a concerned citizen of the world" bullshit. The last time we heard that, we got colonised for 500 years.
Until I figure out Mallot's interest, I'm taking whatever he's saying with a bag of chikin wings.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Village People: Emergency Response
I got a response from my contact in a corporate body, asking for more details on the family and the project. I got some writing to do tonight, baby.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a foundation. I need to park this charity under a foundation that has tax-deductible status. Makes it easier for me to collect funds.
Actually, I've done this before, but not for the people in my village. Back in 2003, I was part of a team that raised RM20,000 for an orphanage. We got used computers from IBM, and spent the rest of the money on paint. We painted the home ourselves.
I don't believe in having special days for the poor. That's just one day. Need to get them something that lasts.
And while building houses is a good start, my eventual plan is to start sustainable industries and provide jobs for the people in my village. Train them as mechanics or start a farming project or something.
There is Government funding, but it is not being utilised properly. No corruption, as far as I know, but no takers either. If I do become a multi-millionaire, I'll retire and take care of these projects full-time.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a foundation. I need to park this charity under a foundation that has tax-deductible status. Makes it easier for me to collect funds.
Actually, I've done this before, but not for the people in my village. Back in 2003, I was part of a team that raised RM20,000 for an orphanage. We got used computers from IBM, and spent the rest of the money on paint. We painted the home ourselves.
I don't believe in having special days for the poor. That's just one day. Need to get them something that lasts.
And while building houses is a good start, my eventual plan is to start sustainable industries and provide jobs for the people in my village. Train them as mechanics or start a farming project or something.
There is Government funding, but it is not being utilised properly. No corruption, as far as I know, but no takers either. If I do become a multi-millionaire, I'll retire and take care of these projects full-time.
Ko Kena Tipu Pasal Ko Bodoh
Cuba ko pikir. Kalau ilmu-ilmu hitam kat negara ni betul la, Portugis takkan dapat jejak tanah kat Malaysia ni.
Sampai je Pelabuhan Melaka, dah kena santau. Jejak kaki je, kena parang terbang.
Tembak pakai senapang, orang kebal sudah tahan. Nak tembak lagi, toyol sudah curi peluru. Clean-up pakai harimau jadian.
Apa pasal semua ini tak jadi? Dan Portugis, Belanda, Inggeris, Jepun, Komunis semua takluk ini tempat?
Pasal ilmu hitam itu adalah bullshit. Tipu semata-mata.
Apa pasal tipu?
Aku fikir, orang yang percaya dan mengamal ilmu hitam adalah mereka yang egonya sudah ranap, dan ingin rasa diri sendiri istimewa.
AKu bukan cakap pasal kejadian luarbiasa (yang aku tak percaya jugak, sebenarnya, tetapi akui yang ada banyak perkara yang belum dijelaskan oleh sains), aku cakap pasal sihir dan ilmu hitam - salah satu dosa-dosa berat ikut Islam.
Aku fikir, Islam sebagai agama yang logik, mengharamkan ilmu hitam pasal ilmu hitam bullshit. Kalau terus menerus orang Islam mengambil cakna pasal ilmu hitam, maka tak jadi kerja.
Pernah ada saudara-mara aku percayakan ilmu hitam. Kena tipu beribu ringgit. Nak tarik duit berjuta. Ko tau apa jadi? Tak jadi apa-apa. Rugi duit je, beribu, pasal bangang nak mampus.
Aku cabar mana-mana pengamal ilmu hitam untuk santau aku sampai aku kurus. Mati pun takpa, asalkan kurus.
Hakikatnya, ilmu hitam ni semua bullshit.
Sampai je Pelabuhan Melaka, dah kena santau. Jejak kaki je, kena parang terbang.
Tembak pakai senapang, orang kebal sudah tahan. Nak tembak lagi, toyol sudah curi peluru. Clean-up pakai harimau jadian.
Apa pasal semua ini tak jadi? Dan Portugis, Belanda, Inggeris, Jepun, Komunis semua takluk ini tempat?
Pasal ilmu hitam itu adalah bullshit. Tipu semata-mata.
Apa pasal tipu?
Aku fikir, orang yang percaya dan mengamal ilmu hitam adalah mereka yang egonya sudah ranap, dan ingin rasa diri sendiri istimewa.
AKu bukan cakap pasal kejadian luarbiasa (yang aku tak percaya jugak, sebenarnya, tetapi akui yang ada banyak perkara yang belum dijelaskan oleh sains), aku cakap pasal sihir dan ilmu hitam - salah satu dosa-dosa berat ikut Islam.
Aku fikir, Islam sebagai agama yang logik, mengharamkan ilmu hitam pasal ilmu hitam bullshit. Kalau terus menerus orang Islam mengambil cakna pasal ilmu hitam, maka tak jadi kerja.
Pernah ada saudara-mara aku percayakan ilmu hitam. Kena tipu beribu ringgit. Nak tarik duit berjuta. Ko tau apa jadi? Tak jadi apa-apa. Rugi duit je, beribu, pasal bangang nak mampus.
Aku cabar mana-mana pengamal ilmu hitam untuk santau aku sampai aku kurus. Mati pun takpa, asalkan kurus.
Hakikatnya, ilmu hitam ni semua bullshit.
Tales from the Drunk Side: Destruction
Some of my friends are hurtin'. I can't be there for 'em. Not yet. And my presence makes little difference anyway.
I'm no superhero. But I can do some things. I know what I can do. I know what I can't do. I know what I shouldn't do.
Running my mouth is one thing. I do that all the time. Running other people's lives for 'em? Na-ah, man. I made that mistake once, and it blew up in my face like a clit that hasn't peed in weeks.
All I got now is this bottle in my hand. And a tippet... somewhere. Man, I'm losing consciousness.
Blurrr blurrrr blurrr.
I'm no superhero. But I can do some things. I know what I can do. I know what I can't do. I know what I shouldn't do.
Running my mouth is one thing. I do that all the time. Running other people's lives for 'em? Na-ah, man. I made that mistake once, and it blew up in my face like a clit that hasn't peed in weeks.
All I got now is this bottle in my hand. And a tippet... somewhere. Man, I'm losing consciousness.
Blurrr blurrrr blurrr.
Amir Hafizi: Revolutions
Well, I'm back home. Need to sortie out tomorrow. Got some shit to do, and I hope one of the meetings I set last week would happen.
Not for me, but for a very poor family of nine. I need some corporate support and I can't rely on anyone else to get it.
I don't know if it'll work, but I sure as hell will be doing my best. The project needs about RM30,000 for the house as well as furniture. We're building a very small house - the size of a studio apartment. It's 432 square feet. Comes down to RM59 per square foot.
I'm not doing this to go to heaven. This is just how I fucking roll. A lot of people bitch about poverty, when they have never seen it themselves. A little sticker on your website just doesn't cut it, man.
I need a club or a foundation to park the damn thing under.
If everything goes well, this will only be the first of many other projects. Houses first, then food. Then clothing, then I need to start up some industries and put some jobs there.
My neighbour makes RM400 a month, for a family of eight. And that's IF they pay him. Motherfuckers sometimes just don't.
I tell this, and the usual reaction I get is, "Why don't they sue?"
Hell, if they can afford lawyers, they won't be eating day-old shrimp cooked in a mountain of chilli powder.
Well, no use getting ahead of myself. One family at a time. One thing at a time. One day at a time.
Not for me, but for a very poor family of nine. I need some corporate support and I can't rely on anyone else to get it.
I don't know if it'll work, but I sure as hell will be doing my best. The project needs about RM30,000 for the house as well as furniture. We're building a very small house - the size of a studio apartment. It's 432 square feet. Comes down to RM59 per square foot.
I'm not doing this to go to heaven. This is just how I fucking roll. A lot of people bitch about poverty, when they have never seen it themselves. A little sticker on your website just doesn't cut it, man.
I need a club or a foundation to park the damn thing under.
If everything goes well, this will only be the first of many other projects. Houses first, then food. Then clothing, then I need to start up some industries and put some jobs there.
My neighbour makes RM400 a month, for a family of eight. And that's IF they pay him. Motherfuckers sometimes just don't.
I tell this, and the usual reaction I get is, "Why don't they sue?"
Hell, if they can afford lawyers, they won't be eating day-old shrimp cooked in a mountain of chilli powder.
Well, no use getting ahead of myself. One family at a time. One thing at a time. One day at a time.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Amir Hafizi: Reloaded
I spent the day collecting stuff for a documentary. Man, I love old newsreels. They sound so... so... propaganda, but in a good way.
I was looking at videos of people who literally gave their lives so that this country can be a nation. The stabbing that they did was not for promotion or for hatred, but for honour.
And these people, they didn't have much. My father told me that in the old days, there were only four types of biscuits.
"Now, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of them," he mused, completely amazed at how his world has changed.
My father's old skool. He bought a PC in 1996, but only used it for Freecell and Solitaire. I used it for porn. As well as gauging the funny communities that started to sprout there. ALt.news shit and IRC. ICQ was half a decade away, for us Malaysians.
My father, he is constantly amazed with the hard core science I tell him.
"They're using crystals and light to create the next generation computers," I told him. And he'd just shake his head in amazement.
When I brought back my first Blackberry for the first time, and showed him that the thing can surf the net, he was worried that something so small would be extremely delicate.
However, my father never had the insecurity of being replaced. He was cocksure that no matter what, his values of hard work and stubbornness would carry him for another hundred years.
I must say, I agree. WHerever I go, whatever I do, I will apply the pride in my work - that arrogance - that has served me so well. If I can't take pride in my work anywhere, well, then it's time to go. I don't want to grow up to be one of those leeches who are of no contribution to anything.
I got maybe 10, 20 good working years left. I will not waste a single day on lazing about, doing nothing. Every day, I need to accomplish something. I need to write up a storm, and also take care of myself.
That's just how I fucking roll, motherfucker!
I was looking at videos of people who literally gave their lives so that this country can be a nation. The stabbing that they did was not for promotion or for hatred, but for honour.
And these people, they didn't have much. My father told me that in the old days, there were only four types of biscuits.
"Now, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of them," he mused, completely amazed at how his world has changed.
My father's old skool. He bought a PC in 1996, but only used it for Freecell and Solitaire. I used it for porn. As well as gauging the funny communities that started to sprout there. ALt.news shit and IRC. ICQ was half a decade away, for us Malaysians.
My father, he is constantly amazed with the hard core science I tell him.
"They're using crystals and light to create the next generation computers," I told him. And he'd just shake his head in amazement.
When I brought back my first Blackberry for the first time, and showed him that the thing can surf the net, he was worried that something so small would be extremely delicate.
However, my father never had the insecurity of being replaced. He was cocksure that no matter what, his values of hard work and stubbornness would carry him for another hundred years.
I must say, I agree. WHerever I go, whatever I do, I will apply the pride in my work - that arrogance - that has served me so well. If I can't take pride in my work anywhere, well, then it's time to go. I don't want to grow up to be one of those leeches who are of no contribution to anything.
I got maybe 10, 20 good working years left. I will not waste a single day on lazing about, doing nothing. Every day, I need to accomplish something. I need to write up a storm, and also take care of myself.
That's just how I fucking roll, motherfucker!
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