Razzle Dazzle

Razzle Dazzle!

Give me money!

Razzle Dazzle!

Kickstarter

Anyone with serious money out there and wants to invest in a novel new media business venture, can email me.

I mean, serious money, like, in the millions. I believe I have something that can make us all rich(er).

Muahahaha!

I'm serious.

Komm, Susser Tod

Izanami, the Goddess of Death

You know, I can do many things.

I can write - almost anything. I can write things that would reverbrate with your very soul, if you allow it.

I can create programs. I can learn a new programming language in a matter of days and be proficient if I focus for a few weeks.

I accumulate a lot of useless information which usually turns out to be useful in the end.

Stunning, wholesome good looks and a very strong dick.

What I don't have, are answers to everything. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Next week, next month, next year. I don't know.

I don't know you. I don't know anyone. Not really.

What I do know - for sure - is that I will follow my instincts, no matter what. Consequences be damned.

I'll put my money where my mouth is. Rather than hide in the shadows, I am right here, out in the open.

Come and get me, you bastards. What power do you have over me? Are you my God?

Fuck you.

In the end, I have nothing save from my wit, and my will.

Shows I Want To Do, Stories I Want To Tell

I just read my old editor Zainal Alam Kadir's column for tomorrow's paper - one of the perks of being a journalist - and I do have to agree on his points regarding the Malaysian music industry.

Ana Raffali's win - for whatever it's worth - shows that anyone can go and work to make their music known.

In my days as an observer of the industry, I must say that I have met and interviewed a lot of people hopeful of sharing their music with the world, or making lots of money through their creativity.

Ana's win, shows that you do not need a full hype machinery to send waves (in this case, more like shockwaves) in the industry.

I'm not comparing anyone to anything, but the late Yasmin Ahmad's films did just that for the film industry.

She showed that yes, there is hope for doing things that you want to do, creatively. That it is possible to do things not dictated by the whims of large organisations.

Her films are not in my top 10, or even top 40, but they are important because they showed the way.

I have things I want to do. I have stories I want to tell. I am unhappy, when I am not doing them, or telling them.

I want to create a website that would redefine the role of journalists, the way people interact with the Internet, and the way marketers and advertisers engage their customer base.

For movies, I want to tell stories - some, very silly, some hopefully heartbreaking and sad, in a funny way.

I want to do a few animated series. Some, very simple in its execution. Some, extremely difficult.

I want to create a game that would redefine online gaming.

I believe that Malaysia is ready for such projects. I applaud whenever some people do some daring stuff, like some projects I have been involved in. Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa - I am proud and honoured to be part of that project, because with so little, the producers, directors, cast and crew members all have managed to pull off something that seemed impossible at first glance.

I was also involved with some other groundbreaking stuff, with lots of different people in recent years, and I sometimes end up wondering, how the hell do these people have the balls to do shit like that?

We do have our shortcomings. In every and all aspect. Our budget is small, our markets miniscule. And yet, with these limitations, some of us have come up with ways to beat the system.

It's like all these discussions I had when I was 19, in online forums. We were discussing about how Iranian films are way better than Malaysian films, despite severe limitations and obstacles.

I believe that as a whole, we can do this shit. We can take all the things that set us back - whatever they may be - and be creative to work around it.

I mean, if we can't beat Australians in swimming, try and beat them on bikes. If we can't beat China's industry, try badminton.

If our markets are small, widen it by going international. How do you capture the international market?

Well, a Malaysian Lady Gaga rip-off will never fly in the States. We can always go for originality, and that comes with a full sense of self-knowledge and acceptance.

Take films, for example. If we do an Avatar, no matter how good the copy, it is still a copy.

I am intrigued with Hong Kong cinema in the '80s as well as the emerging Japanese productions today.

In the '80s, Hong Kong cinema worked like a factory, churning out as many shit as possible. Some of that shit, is one of my favourite movies - Wong Kar Wai's Chungking Express.

I have also been watching a lot of Japanese movies and live action TV series. Japanese stuntwork - a non-entity years ago - is becoming better and better. Check out Cutey Honey The Live TV series. That show has some of the best stuntworks I have seen in recent years - bar none.

Japanese cinema is also going for variety. Influenced by the '70s, they have been churning out stuff like Sukiyaki Western Django - a Japanese spaghetti western which is so deliriously stupid, I reccommend it to everyone - Machine Girl, which parodies and tributes '70s exploitation cinema as well as my new favourite - Robogeisha.

Most Japanese silly movies have a lot of heart. Even the most bizarre. And the most bizarre Japanese movie I have ever seen in my life, is either Tetsuo the Iron Man or Visitor Q.

Despite beginning with the question, "When was the last time you had sex with your daughter?" before showing a father having sex with his daughter, and having scenes of necrophilia and milking fetishes, Visitor Q is a very strong family movie at its core.

Tetsuo the Iron Man meanwhile, to me, is a treatise on rejection of today's modern world and changing values - especially sex.

I want to do movies like that. Not Visitor Q, cause I can never do a Takashi Miike in this country, but something that has a profound philosophical core, while having an ultimately silly outer shell.

Oh well. I'm just wanking.

Climber's High and Robogeisha

Someone recommended to me Climber's High - a Japanese film - which supposedly has the truest depiction of a newsroom in the history of films.

I got the movie, and I have to agree. All the characters I have met are there. If you ever wondered how a newsroom works, looks like and who are the people responsible for telling the Truth in this country and perhaps the world, please watch Climber's High.

With a strong newspaper culture in Japan, as well as the world's number one newspaper in Yomiuri Shinbun (three million in circulation, daily) it is no wonder that they would come up with this idea.

The story is about the largest air crash in Japanese history happening at a small district in Japan, and how the newspapers respond to it.

I also got Robogeisha, which is in the same vein as Machine Girl. Over the top, campy and deliriously as well as deliciously stupid, Robogeisha tells of two sisters who are turned into cyborg geisha assasins by a mysterious organisations.

Amidst the breast gatling guns and armpit katanas - with asshole blades thrown in for good measure - the story never lost its heart. It is, in essence, about sibling love and rivalry and no matter how outrageous or silly the visuals got, the heart of the story remained strong.

Climber's High and Robogeisha are two films from Japan with very different philosophies. The very honest, authentic and heartbreaking Climber's High, with the silly, fun Robogeisha.

Tinju Maut Dunia Paus

Semalam menggelabah gila. Ramai orang menyumpah pasal:

1. Liverpool kalah dengan Man U.

2. Ana Rafalli menang AJL.

Referee bangang la, tak adil la, M Nasir syok sendiri la.

Hek eleh, beb, Avatar kalah Academy Awards, aku relax je? Bengang gila siut. Filem gua tu buat 300 trillion kot, kat box office. Aku nangis tiga kali tu, tengok Avatar. Takkan tak menang Best Film kot?

AKu rasa, aku lagi ada hak nak bengang, pasal Avatar tu filem aku yang tak menang. Akulah yang produce, akulah yang direct, akulah yang tulis skrip. AKu tukang pegang lampu. AKu kalerkan semua tumbuh-tumbuhan kat Taman Negara supaya glow in the dark. Akulah pelakon dalam Avatar tu. Bukan yang manusia tu. Yang makhluk biru tu. Tu aku lah tu! Ko tak perasan ke?

Gua lepak dengan Neytiri kat Kompleks Teruntum sikit punya lama nak ayat betina tu. Asyik main "Werkh! Werkh!" je kat muka aku, pasal dia suka tengok Kung Pow.

Masa Taylor Swift menang best music video pun, aku senyap je. Walaupun video Single Lady tu, aku yang buat.

Filem aku, Avatar, tak menang Academy Awards, aku tak bising pun. Lu kecoh, macam la lu lahir kat Liverpool. Macam la lahir kat Manchester.

AKu lain la. AKu memang lahir kat Stamford Bridge. Aku sekolah kat San Siro. Selalu ponteng pergi main arked kat luar San Siro tu dulu. Pastu aku pergi sekolah menengah kat Santiago Bernabeu, pasal awek Spanish hot macam Penelope Cruz. Gila passionate.

Datuk aku, dulu lepak kat Porto, buat kot. Kot Mourinho tu, dia la yang buat. + 15 defence tu, kot Mourinho tu. Apa ko nak cakap?

Menggelabah la lu mat.

Kesian la, Ana Raffali tu. Ko nak marah, ko baling la botol air kat M Nasir. Dia head jury. Berani ke?

Ala, memang adat bertanding. Ada kalah, ada menang. Aku biasa tak bertanding pun. Kadang-kadang je menang. Dan memang dah adat la, sesapa je menang, ada la yang tak puas hati. Macam pilihanraya la. Yang tak puas hati, biasanya supporter je. Yang bertanding, tak cakap sangat.

Dan aku tak nafikan, adanya orang yang passionate - macam Penelope Cruz - dalam hal AJL ataupun hal Premier League, menunjukkan yang orang masih kisah pasal benda tu.

Jadi, teruskan ajelah. Cuma ingat batas-batas kita sebagai orang Malaysia. Muahahahaha! Kita kena berpura-pura sopan supaya boleh tarik ramai pelancong asing.

The Question

Every year, at least two girls will ask me this question:

Girl: Amir, I will find the right guy, right?

And my answer, throughout these five years, has always been the same.

Me: There are over six billion people in the world today - and growing. It is mathematically probable.

Cakap-cakap Kosong

Hahaha. Nampaknya, malam-malam berjaga sudah membuatkan aku tak boleh tidur malam. Mujur esok assignment tengahari. Lepas tengahari. Pukul 3, aku kena ke Bukit Jalil.

Tadi, aku beli buah epal dengan limau takde biji kelentit kat pasar malam. Limau ni best, dan buat rumah aku bau cam kena sembur dengan pewangi berbau limau.

Macam yang betul punya, wa cakap lu!

Hari ni, aku berak 3 kali. Aku makan 2 kali je. Gila diet siut aku. Tak boleh jadi ni. Ada aku start motor, pergi cari roti canai ni kang.

Tapi... aku takde motor.

Dulu, masa aku student dulu, aku memang bawak motor. Cuak gila, beb. AKu duk menengok gambar-gambar motor eksiden. Gila seram, walaupun gambar tu semua kat Penang dan orang Penang memang bawak motor atau kereta macam kat Philippines.

Motor aku dulu, motor pinjam. Kriss Modenas. Aku hantar balik kampung dah bertahun dah.

Motor tu takde clutch. Aku menyampah betul bila Melayu-melayu, sungguhpun yang rempit, salah eja clutch. Dia eja macamana, ko tau? Dia eja macam ni: 'class'. Motor takde 'class'.

Bodoh nak mampus. Bangang. Bengap. Tak tumpukan perhatian dalam kelas. Loser nak mampus.

Ni aku menyampah kalau orang yang tak reti mengeja ni membiak. Dah lama-lama, besar, takde kerja. Takde kerja, takde duit. Lepas tu, merompak sana, mencuri sini. Ko sanggup angkut tong gas rumah orang kampung aku?

Oi! Bahalol! Tong gas tu, RM60 je la, bongok! Cuba ko jual sayur kat pasar. Ko tau tak, jual sayur kat pasar tu untung nak mampus? Bahalol!

Projek ikan sangkar tu, untung tu, ko tau?

Beranak reti, dah besar, menyusahkan orang. Kalau menyusahkan takat beginner takpe lagi. Ni menyusahkan dengan mencuri dan merompak.

Dulu, masa aku naik motor dulu, aku tau la port-port mamat-mamat dan minah-minah jiwang ni, kat UM. Ko tau kat mana? Nu, kat atas bukit nu. Kadang-kadang, mamat sama mamat pun ada.

Kalau beromen, aku tak kisah lagi. Ko tau dia buat apa? Takde pape! Diorang tak buat apa-apa! Nak tengok wayang, takde duit. Nak makan, takde duit. Nak bersukan, takde duit. Nak buat apa pun, takde duit. Last-last, duduk atas bukit, tengok jalan.

Gila dukung masalah dunia la, nak relaks-relaks kejap, nak tenangkan fikiran.

Baik ko pergi tengok porn, ada jugak pekdahnya, kata aku dengan penuh judgmental sekali. Ataupun, ko isaplah konek member ko tu. Ada jugak hasilnya.

Haish. Aku dah tua...

Tadi... aku pergi beli ubat bapak aku. AKu bergilir dengan kakak aku, ikut selang bulan.

Doktor dia tukar lagi ubatnya. Kalau dia pergi klinik gomen, dia cuma akan dapat ubat biasa - Stroken, metformin HCl. Sekarang, dengan keadaan dia macam tu, kena beli Galvus Met. Nootrophil dia dah tak ambik dah. Dulu ada Celenid, apa-apa lagi lah.

11 jenis pil. Kadang-kadang dia mogok. Taknak makan, dan sebab tak makan, takleh amkan ubat. Ko tau apasal? Pasal bila aku balik, semua kena masak sihat.

benda pertama aku buat masa bapak aku kena stroke keempat atau kelima, adalah membuang minyak kelapa sawit, tukar kepada olive oil dan canola oil. Olive oil tu bukan untuk goreng. Canola, sunflower, corn oil boleh gak untuk goreng. Tapi takleh deep-fry la.

Aku ajar mak aku nak pan-fry - kurang sikit minyak. Pastu, aku masak dada ayam, aku bake dalam oven. Pastu aku buat salsa pakai pepper, tomato dan beberapa benda lagi.

Bapak aku tak puas hati siut. First time, dia makan. Second time aku masak, dia tak makan. Mogok.

Pasal bapak aku cuma iktiraf ayam yang digoreng dengan kulit. Deep-fry. Dia cuma minum Nescafe, dengan Coffee-Mate, dan Equal. Dia taknak makan brown rice. Dia nak makan nasi putih.

Kalau bapak aku makan nasi putih biasa, confirm dia buta dalam masa kurang setahun. Dia kencing manis. Mana boleh makan benda-benda tu. Jadi, kena beli beras istimewa untuk dia. AKu buat research pasal beras apa sesuai untuk orang kencing manis.

Beras tu adalah double-boiled rice, atau kat sini, orang tua-tua panggil 'beras keling'. Itu adalah beras paling bagus untuk pesakit kencing manis. Tapi bapak aku taknak makan, pasal berbau.

Haish.

Jadi, pakailah beras Taj Mahal, Herbaponni. Beras tu kurang kanji.

Dalam keluarga aku sekarang, cuma ada dua atau tiga orang sahaja yang berani untuk tidak mendapat approval daripada bapak aku.

Kalau nak ikutkan semua yang dia hendak, susah nanti. Bukan aku yang susah. AKu memang sesak pun. Dia yang susah.

"Abah, dengan teknologi zaman sekarang, Abah boleh tersangkut dekat mesin selama 20 tahun atau lebih," aku cuba nak jelaskan pada dia. Kalau masa dia sihat, dia dengar apa aku cakap.

Dia ingat, dia nak mati je. Dia ingat, semua benda simple. Tapi, aku tau yang ada keadaan yang lebih teruk daripada mati. Siapa nak, tersangkut dekat mesin selama 20 tahun? Aku tau, dia pun taknak. Respirator sekarang dah canggih-canggih. Boleh transform jadi robot lagi.

Aku tau dia bengang dengan aku. Makanan dekat rumah dah tak sedap. Well, tak sesedap dulu. Dah kurang rasanya. AKu bawak falsafah masakan Eropah masuk. Dah takde pakai Aji-no-moto, walaupun aku tau, mak aku simpan beberapa paket pasal nak pastikan bapak aku makan. Walaupun, aji-no-moto boleh menyebabkan kanser, kononnya.

Aku ada beli teh herba, untuk gantikan kopi yang dia minum sampai sembilan cawan sehari, lepas tu komplen takleh tidur. Dah, minum kopi sampai sembilan cawan, memang la tak tidur. AKu check ari tu, dah expired dah tehnya. Tak pakai langsung.

Bapak aku memang degil. Keras kepala.

"Aku duduk dalam kawasan rumah aku je, Amir. Benda lain kat luar tu, aku pedulittaik?"

Aku dapat phone call minggu lepas. Kakak aku bagitau, bapak aku cari aku dalam bilik. Dia ingat aku budak kecik lagi.

Aku kena balik Kuantan. Tapi aku sibuk. Banyak sangat benda kat sini, kat KL ni.

Tahun Baru Cina ni, aku nak ambik cuti panjang sikit.

Judgement

For some reason, I feel like writing.

I have an addictive personality and my latest addiction in the past few years has been psycho-analysis.

I have my psycho-partners who know the basics of psychology and we sit and we judge people, their actions, motivations and such.

One of the most startling observations is an obvious one. People who do mean, cruel, even evil things to other people suffer from some sort of self-loathing. Simple, isn't it?

It is very telling, in a lot of cases, when some survivors of abuse or bully cases start assuming the opposite role.

The victim, becomes victimiser. The bullied, becomes the bully and the abused becomes the abuser.

My theory is related to the ego.

When the ego inside all of us believe that something or someone has done something TO us, the ego is diminished and wants to get big again. It needs to 'even the score'. In the ego's mind, it is World: 1, Ego: 0. So naturally the ego wants to get back at the world.

"This time, I'll win." said the ego to no one in particular. So they repeat their stories, but switching their roles. And pretty soon, patterns emerge.

Because the ego is never satisfied and could never be sated. And so the abused child abuses everyone around him or her. The neglected one starts craving attention in the unhealthiest of ways.

"These people have holes inside them which they try to fill," said a friend. Her theory concerns holes in people's souls. It states that if people are satisfied and complete, they will never try to fill the void with alcohol, drugs, food, cigarettes, sex, adrenaline or even the company of friends or mental stimulus.

That man was created incomplete and imperfect.

I also believe that it has to do with self-loathing in the aspect of rejection to one's self and situations.

I have met people who try to convince themselves and everyone else that everyone is like them. This stems from a feeling of being ashamed of who and what they are. So much so, that the ego needs to bring everyone to 'their level', which they view as very low indeed.

This is why I say that people who see 'levels' are dumb.

Whether you believe in God or Science, Eywa or Atheismo, do you really believe that science or God play favourites? Do you really believe that if you were to jump off an 88-storey building, either the rules of gravity would not apply to you, because you're you, or that an invisible pink unicorn - with wings - would swoop down from the sky, sent by God, to save you from that fall? So that you would never hit the ground?

I don't think so.

I believe that people who believe themselves to be above the laws of science and nature to be very self-centered and extremely delusional. I also believe that this comes from a denial of self.

If you do accept yourself - your real self, and not the ego which pretends to be you - you would understand that you are not special. That in the eyes of Dr Manhattan from the Watchmen comics, 'the world's smartest man is as relevant as the world's smartest termite.'

It helps, to talk to astronomers. They see things from a geological standpoint. Time is measured in the millions, perhaps billions of years.

"All we see of stars, are their old photographs." - Dr Manhattan

It helps to see the significance of a rude cab driver when compared to supernovas and the ever expanding universe which traverses many billions of light years, as well as the forces of entropy that pushes back. These are the basis of the manga Akira by Katsuhiro Otomo. Read it, sometimes. It is very educational. And no, the anime only covers the first chapters.

People talk about significance and relevance as if they matter. In Truth, no one does. Without humans, this world would still be alive. In fact, it would be more alive with flying cats and highly evolved dogs. Apes with their society, then the cows, birds and perhaps slugs.

"They did it! They blew it up! And then the apes came and blew up their society! And then the cows! And then the birds took over, and then, I dunno, is that a slug or something? NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!" - Fry, from Futurama

Oh well.

Advantage Amir

So I went home and spent a few hours working. Then, Lucifer came out.

Lucifer: You...

Me: Yes?

Lucifer: It was wide open.

Me: Yes.

Lucifer: Using your knowhow of mental manipulation and the secrets of the ego, you...

Me: Yes?

Lucifer: ARRRGGH! WHY?

Me: It would not be an honourable thing to do.

Lucifer: But... you know HOW!

Me: My knowledge is for spiritual growth, for myself as well as the species. If I were to misuse it, it would not be... nice.

Lucifer: Nice? NICE?!

Me: Get over it. Chances of it succeeding would only be 76%. I came out, retaining my honour and my integrity. With full knowledge that I did not abuse my powers.

Lucifer: But...BUT!

Me: Look, Lou, I know when I have done the right thing.

And I leave Lucifer playing my Clash of Kingdoms MMORPG, while I go and sleep an undisturbed sleep.

Alexa

I was thumbing through The Malay Mail, when I read Rocky's piece - his latest column on Thursday. He was talking about mainstream media news portals vs online-based news portals as well as acusations hurled at some people and parties.

Read it here.

These media trends affect my livelihood, so I am naturally intrigued.

Alexa Ranking of Malaysian websites today, Jan 6 around 5.50pm

1. Facebook
2. Google (google.com.my)
3. Google (google.com)
4. Yahoo!
5. Blogger.com
6. YouTube - Broadcast yourself
7. Wikipedia
8. Windows Live
9. Maybank2u.com, A Complete One-stop Financial Portal
10. Twitter
11. Mudah.my
12. WordPress.com
13. MSN
14. Lowyat.NET
15. Cari Malaysia
16. The Star Online
17. Malaysiakini.com
18 bp.blogspot.com
19. MediaFire
20. Free one-click file hosting!

In the top 10, not a single news portal in sight. The lone Malaysian website is Maybank2u.

Mudah.my - Malaysian free classifieds website, is number 11. Lowyat.net - tech site with a very buzzing forum - is number 14. On the next rung, is Cari Malaysia, which houses a search engine and the very popular forums.

The Star Online heads news portals at number 16. Malaysiakini is at number 17. AFter that, comes all the rest, in other pages.

Utusan Online is number 22. myMetro is 25th. Berita Harian is 29th. Lelong.com is 37th. Kosmo is 41st. The Malaysian Insider is number 57.

Next, we have Malaysia Today (87), Paul Tan (91). I couldn't find the rest.

Infer what you must. I need to go fart in the other room.

UPDATE:

Upon finishing farting, I discovered that NST.com.my is racked 218th by Alexa.

How to Open a Word Document from Access

Sub OpenWordDoc(strDocName As String)
Dim objApp As Object

'Opens the document

Set objApp = CreateObject("Word.Application")
objApp.Visible = True
objApp.Documents.Open strDocName
End Sub

And that's all it takes. Some companies pay millions of dollars for this.

Geek Out

Here's my dream Yu Gi Oh Deck. It's a bit old school, but that's the way I roll.

Jinzo
Witch of the Black Forest
Sangan
Cyber Jar
Nimble Momonga X 3
Giant Germ X 3
Dark Necrofear
Slate Warrior X 2
Kinetic Soldier X 2
Wall of Illusion X 2
Penguin Warrior
Spear Cretin
Magician of Faith
Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer
Summoned Skull X 2
Barrel Dragon
Harpy's Feather Duster
Monster Reborn
Pot of Greed
Graceful Charity
United We Stand
Mage Power
Change of Heart
Raigeki
Dark Hole
Mystical Space Typhoon X 3
Swords of Revealing Light
Premature Burial
Call of the Haunted
Magic Cylinder
Imperial Order

SIDE DECK:

Zombyra the Dark X 2
Maryukotai X 2
Banisher of Light
Card Destruction
Soul Release
DNA Surgery X 2
Gravity Bind X 2
Light of Intervention X 2
Fusion Gate X 2

Fusion Deck:
Last Warrior from Another Planet X 2

What Are You Afraid of?

In my case, leeches. I'm talking about real blood-sucking leeches. I have this fear of losing too much blood.

Monday Night Temperature

I don't have a fever yet, but I feel the thing coming.

Somehow, I begin to remember this bitch I knew.

She was rich. She was beautiful. She had a loving husband. Two smart kids. She was one of the biggest bitches I knew. A real bitch, not a fake one. Someone who wouldn't take no for an answer.

She had a multi-million dollar condo in KL. I went there once, during Chinese New Year, and lost RM50 to her in a game of poker.

She died. Years ago.

I do not pity here, but sometimes I do miss her.

She and I, we were not very close. But bitches - real ones, not wannabe fake fascimile pretentious ones - tend to find me and talk to me. I don't know why.

I often sense, underneath all the tough bitchiness, lie very gentle souls. I appreciate their directness and candour. I always know where I stand with bitches, and true bitches, they see no need to be rude or evil unless absolutely necessary. Fake bitches embrace the form, while the real ones brim with essence.

This is true for everything. Fake liberals only embrace things at a very shallow definition. How you LOOK, instead of how you are. And even with how you are, they always confuse action for essence.

When you are something, you don't need to work at doing or acting out anything. Those things simply go forth naturally.

For example, a lot of people tell me, they want to be writers. I used to go on and on about this, but after a while, I just stopped and shut up whenever people say all this to me.

Why? Cause the real writers will just BE writers. They will be one from inside out. They will first be a writer, inside, then they will do it - writing - and in the end, they will have that - designation as a writer.

The idiots, they will run around like headless chickens, never writing, never finishing what they write, because they are bedazzled, like a chicken, with other things. Shiny stuff like the romance of writing, the status, the glitter which, after
eight years, I can assure you is not gold.

Sometimes, all it takes is a simple shift inside you and your whole world could change. And this does not necessarily mean positive things.

Now, why did I wake up, half-feverish from my dreams, to write about writing and a dead friend?

Ah, yes, perhaps if we all were to have enough balls like the REAL bitches I have known and loved, we would all be happier people, living in our dreams.

Though, caveat emptor, the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted. I guess all married people would understand that last bit at some instances of their relationships.

And with that, I sink back into the world of neither-here-nor-there fevered dreams.

Bahasa Yahudi Mabuk Mana Ko Pakai ni?

Budak-budak zaman sekarang suka benar menulis macam orang yang dah eksiden motor, pastu hilang separuh otak.

"Kow-Runk bt aper tiew? Aq tgh rlks rlks jer, lps pewnutt bkeirwjew."

Rasa sia-sia je aku belajar Bahasa Malaysia dulu. Kalau aku nak jadi cool dan popular, aku pun kena menulis macam ni jugak la gamaknya.

Aperrrlarhsz nsb q iniew. Wlpn dpt A1 dlm BM spm 9'7, terpaksew jugew aq mnls mcm org terencewt a'al dgn sndrm TewRett.

Dew mnkah kewadewlan bt q? Kow-Runks mmgs kewjewms! Kewjems!

House of M: Old Vs New

I have had trouble expressing this in previous years, but Ralph Simon - Lady Gaga's mobile and Internet consultant put it in very clear and succinct words.

The major difference between old media and new media is their business model.

Ask an old media company, what is your product? And the answer would be - content. Articles, TV shows, movies, etc.

Ask a new media company, what is your product, and Facebook or Google would say, "Users."

Ask Facebook, what is your product, and Zuckerberg is NOT going to say, "Farmville" or status updates or photo tagging. He's gonna say, "Facebook has over 600 million users."

Very easy, right? Content. User. Always remember this comparison.

In the States, both new and old media made almost US$400 billion each last year. Which means that old and new media are at an even keel.

Malaysia is always around 3-5 years late, so there is still time. Or maybe not. What worked in the States may or may not work elsewhere.

Look at news portals in Korea and Japan. Oh My News in Korea is very, very strong. In fact, some say it is more influential than any print newspaper.

In Japan, Oh My News shut down, and Yomiuri Shinbun continued their three-million a day circulation.

That being said, there is no reason for not venturing into new media, which is, in essence, simply another platform.

At the same time, is old media redundant and going out the door? Not really. If you look at the States, it still commands US$400 billion a year and still supplies the content which new media so easily disseminates and ties in with consumer experience, which is what the businesses are looking for. In essence, new media makes use of old media's product in a more efficient manner.

I make most of my money from old media. I write newspaper articles, I write movies and TV series. I will continue to do so, but the world is changing and one day, I have to face the fact that the gameplay has also evolved.

In order to make money, new media portals and websites will have to first attract users. They need to provide a unique user experience and/or functionality. Facebook does that. So does Google.

Reddit, Twitter, Mudah.my, Lelong.com, Lowyat.net, Melayu.com, PhotoMalaysia.com, they all serve a function.

It's not a beauty contest. Not really. What the fuck is Google's design? Function first, then form. Reddit has one of the most annoying interfaces I have ever encountered, but I use it because it is functional. Facebook is basically white pages with some blue buttons.

Only after you have a strong user base, who loves the functions on your website, would visit every day and perhaps spend hours on the screen, and only then, can you approach your real customers - advertisers.

The advertising expenditure for online sites in Malaysia is still very low. You know why? The market is poised, but not yet ready simply because there are very few novel, revolutionary ideas to monetise websites that have a strong quantifiable user base either through account registration or hit meters.

In order for you to properly make money off new media, you need to ask a few very important questions. The answers will eventually determine how many people will use it, how strong your user base is, how you will attract advertisers, and how much money you will eventually, hopefullly make.

1. Why would anyone go to your website? What kind of unique user experience are you offering? What is your website's function?

2. How many people would use your system? For what?

3. If you strip away all your own content, what does the website offer? If it cannot stand on this question, on its own, then there are things terribly missing from your plan.

4. If you do eventually get a strong user base, what and how can advertisers profit from this? How is it useful to advertisers? Look, websites are not magic. They do not generate users from thin air. You must have a deep understanding of psychology, maybe psychiatry, in order for you to capitalise or even function with large crowds of people.

5. What kind of novel or revolutionary marketing and advertising service does this eventually provide? Astro-turfing? Direct, measurable user-to-customer ratio? Reaching the grassroots? Creating ownership? What?

I am the Last Wizard of the Century. I offer this - all I have gleaned in the past years, because I want to see good Malaysian websites that benefit everyone. I believe in the freedom of information, and that the more we share, the more we grow.

Bear in mind, that the kind of controlled anarchy evident in social media sites would be the stepping stone to the democratisation of information and opinion. Not embracing anarchy, is death.

The universe is always in a state of flux, always going for balance. This is science. Evident in thermodynamics, chemical reactions, things with molecular structure (literally!) and THIS! IS! MAH! BOOMSTICK!

Any desire for control will be seen as a corruption of the system.

Oh well. I have said my peace. Let the chips fall where they may.

Something in the Air

There is a new energy somewhat, this year. I sensed it last night, when I awoke to sounds of celebration.

I had merely napped for a while but it seemed as if I went to sleep as a nother person and woke up as a different one.

I felt the power moving within me once again, which was why, perhaps, that I went to the toilet last night and discharged a very healthy amount of shit.

This is all psychological, I believe. It is not magic - I do not believe in such nonsense - but I am not going to spend the rest of the day or the year trying to debunk anything.

What I do know is that if last year, I felt as if the Devil have left me, this year it has returned.

And woe, woe, woe to the denizens of the Earth. For Armageddon is close at hand, and I am the keystone of the arch of hell, the small tiny gear in the great machinery of Destruction, the fulcrum on which the world turns and the tiny snowflake that will determine the direction of the avalanche.

With a smile on my face and a lilting gait, I am marching forward, bringing with me gifts from hell.

2011

It's 14 minutes into the new year, and I don't feel any different, but there is a sense of fresh energy about.

I don't know what it is, but I'm going out and watching the new year from Bangsar's streets while having coffee or tea or whatever.