And so, tonight, we looked from a hill on our spoils of war.
Me: Senator Palpatine.
Senator Palpatine: Chancellor Vainglorious.
Me: They made you a senator. They actually did. I can't believe it.
SP: And they made you chancellor.
Me: What were they thinking?
SP: Oh well. So...I'm going to my Death Star. Care to join me?
Me: Emmm...planet-busting space stations are just not me. Thanks for the offer, though.
SP: Any time.
Me: Say...can I have a ride?
SP: Why of course. Where to?
Me: Well, I am going to Omicron Persei 8.
SP: What are you doing there?
Me: Oh, you know, this and that. They also offered me the chance to set up my own "laser". It's going to look like a satellite dish. On a hill.
SP: Jolly good. Shall we go? Finish your drinks, Chancellor.
Me: Cheers, Senator.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tales from the Drunk Side: Going Out in the Midday Sun
I am rather lugubrious at the moment.
Am rather high.
Tomorrow, I'll be doing a poll on which type of girl you would like to bang.
Based on Mango Weekly.
I prefer the first type, and so does Cheepork, Chee, Adijin and...who was that other dude?
Only one guy prefer the Coyote.
Don't forget to vote!
And remember, your vote is not secret. Not for this one.
And since this is no democracy, I'll be giving bonus votes to any type I prefer if that type is losing too bad.
What to do?
There are many things happening right now, and I have loads of work to do tomorrow and the whole week, in fact.
I got a deadline Monday. And a self-imposed one Tuesday.
So much to do, so little time.
But I will prevail.
As England prevails.
Let's make Britain, great again.
Man. Flava Flav!
And tomorrow, I have an appointment at night. Part of my work.
Who says jobless people are so free?
I have purposely cleared my head these past few days as things settle down.
I believe that I am linked spiritually to Thailand. When that country is ailing, I get a headache.
I hope no one else gets hurt.
And I hope things will get back to normal. And so that my friends over there will not suffer too much.
Plus, I pray that those things don't happen in Malaysia. I don't think we can survive that.
As much as I hate things and people, that is not something I would wish on anybody.
Nevertheless, I am getting a bigger machete. Just in case, you know, I have to fight off more people from a 42-inch Sony Bravia.
Am rather high.
Tomorrow, I'll be doing a poll on which type of girl you would like to bang.
Based on Mango Weekly.
I prefer the first type, and so does Cheepork, Chee, Adijin and...who was that other dude?
Only one guy prefer the Coyote.
Don't forget to vote!
And remember, your vote is not secret. Not for this one.
And since this is no democracy, I'll be giving bonus votes to any type I prefer if that type is losing too bad.
What to do?
There are many things happening right now, and I have loads of work to do tomorrow and the whole week, in fact.
I got a deadline Monday. And a self-imposed one Tuesday.
So much to do, so little time.
But I will prevail.
As England prevails.
Let's make Britain, great again.
Man. Flava Flav!
And tomorrow, I have an appointment at night. Part of my work.
Who says jobless people are so free?
I have purposely cleared my head these past few days as things settle down.
I believe that I am linked spiritually to Thailand. When that country is ailing, I get a headache.
I hope no one else gets hurt.
And I hope things will get back to normal. And so that my friends over there will not suffer too much.
Plus, I pray that those things don't happen in Malaysia. I don't think we can survive that.
As much as I hate things and people, that is not something I would wish on anybody.
Nevertheless, I am getting a bigger machete. Just in case, you know, I have to fight off more people from a 42-inch Sony Bravia.
Monday, April 13, 2009
CM 2007
I have been playing CM 2007 in-between my writing.
Playing Arsenal cause I wanted a head start at the young players.
Used to play Wolves from First Division before, taking them to European glory and in my youth, even Colchester.
I sold Thierry Henry, who under my charge was scoring 52 goals a season.
Reason? I had bought Craig Lindfield from Liverpool.
Last season, he scored 108 goals, 75 of them in the Premiere League.
Cesc Fabregas scored 81 assists overall and 35 goals on his own.
In total, my club scored 222 goals last season in the League.
Four of my players are the top four scorers in the league.
Lindfield, Fabregas, Robin Van Persie at fourth and coming in at third, is defender Daniel Agger.
I sold Henry, Tomas Rosicky, Alexander Hleb, Philipe Senderos and even Jose Reyes.
I bought Ben Sahar, Daniel Sturridge, Javier Mascherano, Sergio Tejera, Lee Martin, Frederik Holster, Micah Richards, Slobodan Rajkovic and Miki Roque.
To placate my players who were upset at the sale of Reyes, I splashed 63 million on Lionel Messi. Though truth be told, I prefer using Fran Merida - Arsenal's star youth player - rather than Messi.
Around half of my almost-300 goals per season came from set-pieces.
I put the players with the best Heading Accuracy and Heading Power with great Positioning stats at the near and far posts, with one or two attacking the ball from the edge of the area.
This is why Daniel Agger, a defender, can score 47 goals in the League a season.
Throw-ins should be long and always, always make sure everyone knows what to do during any and all set-pieces.
A quarter of the goals came from throw-ins alone, and my fullbacks are behind my wingers and Fabregas - who take all freekicks and corners - in assists.
To ensure superb morale, I make sure not more than three players are deemed key players or indispensable to the club. Fabregas, Cassilas and Mascherano.
Even Lindfield is just a 'hot prospect for the future.' He makes only 10K pounds a week. With 10K for every goal or assist. Always make this a staple bonus for all players, except half-backs or central defenders.
I have defeated Chelsea 14-1 and 10-0, Liverpool and Man U 8-0. And using the same tactics, my England have won Euros and World Cups.
Lindfield can score 4 goals in 15 minutes. He even scored 6 against Germany in the first half.
The next batch of youth players I have with me are van den Berg, Merida, Sahar, Armand Traore, Nacer Baracite, Denilson, Tejera and many more.
I have won any and all competitions at club and national level. My aim is to only beat my own records - 19-0 in a game, 108 goals for a player a season, 81 assists a player per season, and having 4 players in the top 4 of the charts.
I also need to win all monthly and yearly awards.
Man. There is no team that can beat me.
For my friendlies, I might as well fight my own reserve team. They actually pose more of a challenge.
But oh! You should see the England under-21! Fantastic young players. Ciaran Clark, Cohen, Danny Rose - I've promoted them all to the first team.
I still have close to 200 million in the transfer kitty and I don't know what to do with it.
Playing Arsenal cause I wanted a head start at the young players.
Used to play Wolves from First Division before, taking them to European glory and in my youth, even Colchester.
I sold Thierry Henry, who under my charge was scoring 52 goals a season.
Reason? I had bought Craig Lindfield from Liverpool.
Last season, he scored 108 goals, 75 of them in the Premiere League.
Cesc Fabregas scored 81 assists overall and 35 goals on his own.
In total, my club scored 222 goals last season in the League.
Four of my players are the top four scorers in the league.
Lindfield, Fabregas, Robin Van Persie at fourth and coming in at third, is defender Daniel Agger.
I sold Henry, Tomas Rosicky, Alexander Hleb, Philipe Senderos and even Jose Reyes.
I bought Ben Sahar, Daniel Sturridge, Javier Mascherano, Sergio Tejera, Lee Martin, Frederik Holster, Micah Richards, Slobodan Rajkovic and Miki Roque.
To placate my players who were upset at the sale of Reyes, I splashed 63 million on Lionel Messi. Though truth be told, I prefer using Fran Merida - Arsenal's star youth player - rather than Messi.
Around half of my almost-300 goals per season came from set-pieces.
I put the players with the best Heading Accuracy and Heading Power with great Positioning stats at the near and far posts, with one or two attacking the ball from the edge of the area.
This is why Daniel Agger, a defender, can score 47 goals in the League a season.
Throw-ins should be long and always, always make sure everyone knows what to do during any and all set-pieces.
A quarter of the goals came from throw-ins alone, and my fullbacks are behind my wingers and Fabregas - who take all freekicks and corners - in assists.
To ensure superb morale, I make sure not more than three players are deemed key players or indispensable to the club. Fabregas, Cassilas and Mascherano.
Even Lindfield is just a 'hot prospect for the future.' He makes only 10K pounds a week. With 10K for every goal or assist. Always make this a staple bonus for all players, except half-backs or central defenders.
I have defeated Chelsea 14-1 and 10-0, Liverpool and Man U 8-0. And using the same tactics, my England have won Euros and World Cups.
Lindfield can score 4 goals in 15 minutes. He even scored 6 against Germany in the first half.
The next batch of youth players I have with me are van den Berg, Merida, Sahar, Armand Traore, Nacer Baracite, Denilson, Tejera and many more.
I have won any and all competitions at club and national level. My aim is to only beat my own records - 19-0 in a game, 108 goals for a player a season, 81 assists a player per season, and having 4 players in the top 4 of the charts.
I also need to win all monthly and yearly awards.
Man. There is no team that can beat me.
For my friendlies, I might as well fight my own reserve team. They actually pose more of a challenge.
But oh! You should see the England under-21! Fantastic young players. Ciaran Clark, Cohen, Danny Rose - I've promoted them all to the first team.
I still have close to 200 million in the transfer kitty and I don't know what to do with it.
Tales from the Drunk Side: Rumble in the Box
Man.
People ask me about the most recent rumours.
All I can say is:
I don't know.
I really don't, you know.
I'm just a guy who makes movies for a living.
What do I know about nation-shattering stuff?
I can tell you a bit about redcam and prime lenses, cause I've been reading up on them.
Also, movie scripts I love that I find online.
I know a lot about sex.
And porn.
And prostitution.
And comics.
But ask me about who is going where, and your guess is as good - or even better - than mine.
I'm JUST a writer. And, according to Erasmus Fry, in a comic book, writers are liars, my dear.
Writers are liars.
People ask me about the most recent rumours.
All I can say is:
I don't know.
I really don't, you know.
I'm just a guy who makes movies for a living.
What do I know about nation-shattering stuff?
I can tell you a bit about redcam and prime lenses, cause I've been reading up on them.
Also, movie scripts I love that I find online.
I know a lot about sex.
And porn.
And prostitution.
And comics.
But ask me about who is going where, and your guess is as good - or even better - than mine.
I'm JUST a writer. And, according to Erasmus Fry, in a comic book, writers are liars, my dear.
Writers are liars.
Declaration of War on Facebook and Kanye West
It has come to this.
Out of sheer boredom, I have decided to declare war on Facebook and Kanye West.
Facebook sucks. Facebook is stupid. Being on Facebook is stupid. I don't care who's on Facebook. I hate Facebook.
Why? I don't have a particular reason. I could write a 10,000 word essay on why it sucks, but that's too much effort, and I'm too busy.
Who gives a shit? Facebook sucks, and that is that.
And Kanye West?
Well:
Anyone wearing those gay shades should die. Horribly. Like getting torched in his Ferrari or have his Picasso fall on his head or something. Or choke on truffles.
I hate Kanye West.
Out of sheer boredom, I have decided to declare war on Facebook and Kanye West.
Facebook sucks. Facebook is stupid. Being on Facebook is stupid. I don't care who's on Facebook. I hate Facebook.
Why? I don't have a particular reason. I could write a 10,000 word essay on why it sucks, but that's too much effort, and I'm too busy.
Who gives a shit? Facebook sucks, and that is that.
And Kanye West?
Well:
Anyone wearing those gay shades should die. Horribly. Like getting torched in his Ferrari or have his Picasso fall on his head or something. Or choke on truffles.
I hate Kanye West.
Power or Money
They: Amir. Now you must choose.
Me: What?
They: Money, or power?
Me: I choose...
They: ...
Me: Pukichu! I choose you!
Pukichu: Puki! Puki-puki!
Me: Pukichu! Golden Shower Attack!
Pukichu: Pu....Ki....CHUUUUUUU!
They: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Me: What?
They: Money, or power?
Me: I choose...
They: ...
Me: Pukichu! I choose you!
Pukichu: Puki! Puki-puki!
Me: Pukichu! Golden Shower Attack!
Pukichu: Pu....Ki....CHUUUUUUU!
They: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Kisah Penjelajahan Boron: Manusia Paling Membosankan di Alam Semesta
Aku ada meeting pukul 12.30 tadi.
Aku nak makan petai.
Jadi, aku buat meeting sambil makan petai. Di Sri Petaling, dekat dengan rumah aku.
Nasi putih, gulai kawah, sayur air petola, kelempung (peparu) goreng, daging goreng garam kunyit, siput sedut.
Aku pun makan dan separuh nasi habis, datang la mamat yang aku nak jumpa.
Dia nak translate benda jadi macam-macam bahasa. Aku memang boleh cari student dan foreigner untuk buat kerja ni. Asalkan ada duit, semua jalan.
Tengah sedap bercakap-cakap, aku perasan ada orang tak reti bahasa. Maaf, ada beruk tak reti base tengah duk mendengar apa yang kitorang cakapkan.
Aku pun, mula lah.
Aku: Ko tau, bini orang Jerman, suka isap konek?
Member: Iya?
Aku: Ya! Dia ambik sosej babi, letak cheese, mustard, pastu kapitkan roti dengan konek, pastu kulum.
Member: Tak panas ke, letak mustard?
Aku: Macam Durex punya pelincir je.
Aku: Pastu, orang Perancis, suka jolok kat jubur.
Member: Ko kena jolok jubur?
Aku: Tak. Dia suka kena jolok jubur.
Aku: Aku nak pergi mabuk la malam ni.
Member: Fuyoo! Kufurnya!
Aku: Aku nak jumpa kultus aku - kultus penyembah api.
Member: Wah! Jadi, ko ni orang Majusi la ye?
Aku: Ada lah sikit-sikit.
Lepas beberapa lama, beruk-beruk celaka kat sebelah dah tak senang duduk dah. Padan muka! Penyibuk! Celaka! Anjing anak haram, duk mendengar perbualan orang lain! Pui! Pukimak mak bapak ko la!
Pastu aku dapat panggilan telefon dari India. Aku ada meeting besar hujung bulan ni.
Aku sebenarnya dah tahu, dan tengah bersedia untuk pulun kerja macam orang gila start hari Khomis ni. Sekarang aku tengah berehat kejap dan buat projek-projek peribadi. Kepala aku tengah pulih dari hang buat kerja sebulan takde rehat.
Tu pun, patutnya, aku pergi balik Kuantan bulan ni, tapi aku kensel pasal nak buat kerja.
Aku tengah menunggu beberapa perkara untuk terjadi. KALAU jadi. Pasal ada beberapa benda yang aku nak buat, dan securekan kedudukan kewangan aku sikit. Aku dah nak masuk 30. Masa untuk aku ambik risiko macam orang gila dah singkat. Dah nak mampus dah pun.
Selama ni, aku ambik risiko yang orang lain takkan sanggup ambik. Beberapa kali, aku blah dari tempat kerja yang aku boleh duduk dengan selesa, demi mencari pengalaman baru.
Aku orang yang tak sabar, terburu-buru untuk dapatkan pengalaman baru. Untuk memperkosakan diri. Eh. Untuk memperkasakan diri.
Dan aku tak pernah menyesal. Pasal pendedahan yang aku dapat, membuatkan aku yakin dengan apa saja yang akan datang.
Apa saja yang hari esok akan bawak, aku akan hadir dengan best. Pasal aku best. Kacak. Hensem. Sasa. Konek kuat. Jubur harum.
Akulah manusia paling best sekali.
Aku nak makan petai.
Jadi, aku buat meeting sambil makan petai. Di Sri Petaling, dekat dengan rumah aku.
Nasi putih, gulai kawah, sayur air petola, kelempung (peparu) goreng, daging goreng garam kunyit, siput sedut.
Aku pun makan dan separuh nasi habis, datang la mamat yang aku nak jumpa.
Dia nak translate benda jadi macam-macam bahasa. Aku memang boleh cari student dan foreigner untuk buat kerja ni. Asalkan ada duit, semua jalan.
Tengah sedap bercakap-cakap, aku perasan ada orang tak reti bahasa. Maaf, ada beruk tak reti base tengah duk mendengar apa yang kitorang cakapkan.
Aku pun, mula lah.
Aku: Ko tau, bini orang Jerman, suka isap konek?
Member: Iya?
Aku: Ya! Dia ambik sosej babi, letak cheese, mustard, pastu kapitkan roti dengan konek, pastu kulum.
Member: Tak panas ke, letak mustard?
Aku: Macam Durex punya pelincir je.
Aku: Pastu, orang Perancis, suka jolok kat jubur.
Member: Ko kena jolok jubur?
Aku: Tak. Dia suka kena jolok jubur.
Aku: Aku nak pergi mabuk la malam ni.
Member: Fuyoo! Kufurnya!
Aku: Aku nak jumpa kultus aku - kultus penyembah api.
Member: Wah! Jadi, ko ni orang Majusi la ye?
Aku: Ada lah sikit-sikit.
Lepas beberapa lama, beruk-beruk celaka kat sebelah dah tak senang duduk dah. Padan muka! Penyibuk! Celaka! Anjing anak haram, duk mendengar perbualan orang lain! Pui! Pukimak mak bapak ko la!
Pastu aku dapat panggilan telefon dari India. Aku ada meeting besar hujung bulan ni.
Aku sebenarnya dah tahu, dan tengah bersedia untuk pulun kerja macam orang gila start hari Khomis ni. Sekarang aku tengah berehat kejap dan buat projek-projek peribadi. Kepala aku tengah pulih dari hang buat kerja sebulan takde rehat.
Tu pun, patutnya, aku pergi balik Kuantan bulan ni, tapi aku kensel pasal nak buat kerja.
Aku tengah menunggu beberapa perkara untuk terjadi. KALAU jadi. Pasal ada beberapa benda yang aku nak buat, dan securekan kedudukan kewangan aku sikit. Aku dah nak masuk 30. Masa untuk aku ambik risiko macam orang gila dah singkat. Dah nak mampus dah pun.
Selama ni, aku ambik risiko yang orang lain takkan sanggup ambik. Beberapa kali, aku blah dari tempat kerja yang aku boleh duduk dengan selesa, demi mencari pengalaman baru.
Aku orang yang tak sabar, terburu-buru untuk dapatkan pengalaman baru. Untuk memperkosakan diri. Eh. Untuk memperkasakan diri.
Dan aku tak pernah menyesal. Pasal pendedahan yang aku dapat, membuatkan aku yakin dengan apa saja yang akan datang.
Apa saja yang hari esok akan bawak, aku akan hadir dengan best. Pasal aku best. Kacak. Hensem. Sasa. Konek kuat. Jubur harum.
Akulah manusia paling best sekali.
My Precious
Woke up this morning and found I miss Thailand. It's now going through some major issues.
Bangkok and Pattaya besieged by the Red Army.
I had hoped that they would resolve it by the end of the week, as it did last time, but it seems like it will take some more days.
Over 70 people were hurt in the latest demonstrations. Bullets were fired and Molotov cocktails were used.
I hope the people I know over there will be fine. And still be there when I go back to the only place in the world that made sense to me.
Get well soon, Bangkok.
Bangkok and Pattaya besieged by the Red Army.
I had hoped that they would resolve it by the end of the week, as it did last time, but it seems like it will take some more days.
Over 70 people were hurt in the latest demonstrations. Bullets were fired and Molotov cocktails were used.
I hope the people I know over there will be fine. And still be there when I go back to the only place in the world that made sense to me.
Get well soon, Bangkok.
Violet Carson
"It is the eighth of the third, 2050. This is the Voice of Fate."
"This is a recording of Cyber-Anwar in his latest campaign."
Cyber-Anwar: Saya akan, LAWAN BA-BLUBBLUBBLUBBLUBBLUB!
"Yes, he tried to campaign in Perak again. Even though the state has been underwater due to global warming for over 30 years."
"Meanwhile, Perakians chased away Genting Highlands fishermen who went into their area, stating that they own the seafloor for another 900 years."
"Production of cotton has dropped, prompting the Government to extend Naked Tuesday to Naked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Food production has also dropped, as several species of fish became extinct, and Genting fishermen getting killed by Perakians."
"As a response, voluntary suicides are called upon tomorrow at 3pm. Those who wish to kill themselves and their family, are encouraged to bring their own machete. A plan to reenact the race riots of 2014 is under way. The premier has expressed hopes that nearly the same number of people die, so that others may have a better chance to live."
"This has been the Voice of Fate."
"This is a recording of Cyber-Anwar in his latest campaign."
Cyber-Anwar: Saya akan, LAWAN BA-BLUBBLUBBLUBBLUBBLUB!
"Yes, he tried to campaign in Perak again. Even though the state has been underwater due to global warming for over 30 years."
"Meanwhile, Perakians chased away Genting Highlands fishermen who went into their area, stating that they own the seafloor for another 900 years."
"Production of cotton has dropped, prompting the Government to extend Naked Tuesday to Naked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Food production has also dropped, as several species of fish became extinct, and Genting fishermen getting killed by Perakians."
"As a response, voluntary suicides are called upon tomorrow at 3pm. Those who wish to kill themselves and their family, are encouraged to bring their own machete. A plan to reenact the race riots of 2014 is under way. The premier has expressed hopes that nearly the same number of people die, so that others may have a better chance to live."
"This has been the Voice of Fate."
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Voice of Fate
I finally got my soul back. Watchmen and V for Vendetta - two of my favourite comic books - have been returned to me.
Reading the introductions, I am compelled to write a future Malaysia as Moore did for a future England.
Maybe I'll turn it into a comic book, hmm?
Reading the introductions, I am compelled to write a future Malaysia as Moore did for a future England.
Maybe I'll turn it into a comic book, hmm?
Resurrecting the Chump
There's a big ass article on KJ in The Star.
Image problem. Blablabla. Excluded from the cabinet. Blablabla.
Well, you know what he has to do. Only good things that can't be attacked.
Like helping the poor, go for green technology, give me USD400 million, help the poor. Blablabla.
And then, in another page, there's a picture of Husam Musa looking like Keanu Reeves.
Whoa.
Oh well. Any of them going to make me a millionaire?
That's right.
Fuck should I care?
Image problem. Blablabla. Excluded from the cabinet. Blablabla.
Well, you know what he has to do. Only good things that can't be attacked.
Like helping the poor, go for green technology, give me USD400 million, help the poor. Blablabla.
And then, in another page, there's a picture of Husam Musa looking like Keanu Reeves.
Whoa.
Oh well. Any of them going to make me a millionaire?
That's right.
Fuck should I care?
Which Type Would You Bang?
Finger bang! Finger bang! Finger bang bang!
I was trawling the websites when I came accross this weekly poll at Mango Weekly.
They describe a few types of girls in Thailand. All pictures from that website
I have my views.
1. The university type.
Probability of being a Man: 5%
Language Skills: 10-70%
Danger of being a minor: 10-30%
Usually found in part-time places and certain massage parlours, the university types used to be my Holy Grail.
Their language skills vary. Some are well-versed in English and other languages (Japanese, Chinese dialects, Bahasa Malaysia, German, French, etc.) Most, though, can only speak Thai.
This is the type I would go for most. Not too dirty-looking, girl-next-door wholesome goodness.
2. The Spinner Type
Probability of being a Man: 3%
Language Skills: 10-40%
Danger of being a minor: 30-70%
I don't know why they are called 'spinner'. But it is fun to imagine.
I generally stay away from 'spinners'. Unless they can produce documentation of their real age.
Remember. All that Glitters...
3. Coyote Dancers
Probability of being a Man: 10%
Language Skills: 20-70%
Danger of being a minor: 10-40%
I have a thing for dancers.
Some have mixed around with a lot of Caucasians to pick up the language. Or probably Japanese, which makes it easier to communicate.
4. The Model Type
Probability of being a Man: 30%
Language Skills: 10-40%
Danger of being a minor: 10-20%
Warning! Warning!
Anything or anyone that has a higher than 10% probability of being a man? Skip it.
5. The Model Type 2
Probability of being a Man: 10%
Language Skills: 10-30%
Danger of being a minor: 10-20%
This is the fairer, Chinese-Thai look. You get two ethnicities in one. Like a dual core processor.
Easily found anywhere in Thailand.
6. The Actress Type
Probability of being a Man: 40%
Language Skills: 10-70%
Danger of being a minor: 10-20%
This is an actress.
Warning! WARNING! WARNING!
Pimp Senses tingling! Stay the fuck away, man. For the greater good.
I was trawling the websites when I came accross this weekly poll at Mango Weekly.
They describe a few types of girls in Thailand. All pictures from that website
I have my views.
1. The university type.
Probability of being a Man: 5%
Language Skills: 10-70%
Danger of being a minor: 10-30%
Usually found in part-time places and certain massage parlours, the university types used to be my Holy Grail.
Their language skills vary. Some are well-versed in English and other languages (Japanese, Chinese dialects, Bahasa Malaysia, German, French, etc.) Most, though, can only speak Thai.
This is the type I would go for most. Not too dirty-looking, girl-next-door wholesome goodness.
2. The Spinner Type
Probability of being a Man: 3%
Language Skills: 10-40%
Danger of being a minor: 30-70%
I don't know why they are called 'spinner'. But it is fun to imagine.
I generally stay away from 'spinners'. Unless they can produce documentation of their real age.
Remember. All that Glitters...
3. Coyote Dancers
Probability of being a Man: 10%
Language Skills: 20-70%
Danger of being a minor: 10-40%
I have a thing for dancers.
Some have mixed around with a lot of Caucasians to pick up the language. Or probably Japanese, which makes it easier to communicate.
4. The Model Type
Probability of being a Man: 30%
Language Skills: 10-40%
Danger of being a minor: 10-20%
Warning! Warning!
Anything or anyone that has a higher than 10% probability of being a man? Skip it.
5. The Model Type 2
Probability of being a Man: 10%
Language Skills: 10-30%
Danger of being a minor: 10-20%
This is the fairer, Chinese-Thai look. You get two ethnicities in one. Like a dual core processor.
Easily found anywhere in Thailand.
6. The Actress Type
Probability of being a Man: 40%
Language Skills: 10-70%
Danger of being a minor: 10-20%
This is an actress.
Warning! WARNING! WARNING!
Pimp Senses tingling! Stay the fuck away, man. For the greater good.
Dick
I support the one-school system, but this is a bit too much.
Dialogue:
Leela: Encik Chan, nasib baik kamu masuk sekolah kebangsaan. Dapat kamu berkomunikasi dengan baik.
Chan: Betullah kata Cik Leela. Tak sia-sia kerajaan membuka sekolah kebangsaan. Kita dapat hidup aman damai walaupun berlainan kaum.
Salma: ...
Salma: I want some dick! Can you help me get some DICK! I want a DICK inside my bunghole right NOW!
Salma: I want DICK! I want a COCK so bad, I'm going to KFC, yo!
Chan: ...
Leela: ...
Chan: Cik Salma! Eh! Apa ni! Apa ni!
Leela: Twat and DICK! Breakfast of champions.
Salma: Mmmmmm. Dick.
Pelvic Thrust
The last few days, I felt like I would go crazy if I didn't finish writing something. Anything. Habis Neil Gaiman la ni.
So I searched my old drives and backups of my old drive and found a detective story I wrote when I was 19. That was 10 years ago, man. Fuck!
I wrote it as both a short story and comics script. It's supposed to be either a four or six-issue mini-series.
I read it. Cringed at some bits. Deleted around 20% of the dialogue, and commissioned an artist friend to draw six pages and character design, so I can send it to people and see if it gets published.
Speculative work usually don't, you know. And it is a waste of the writer's and artist's time. But hey, I got some cash, and a half-decent script. And great artist friends. Might as well be hung as a sheep than a lamb.
I wonder, what else I have lying in the old backup drives.
So I searched my old drives and backups of my old drive and found a detective story I wrote when I was 19. That was 10 years ago, man. Fuck!
I wrote it as both a short story and comics script. It's supposed to be either a four or six-issue mini-series.
I read it. Cringed at some bits. Deleted around 20% of the dialogue, and commissioned an artist friend to draw six pages and character design, so I can send it to people and see if it gets published.
Speculative work usually don't, you know. And it is a waste of the writer's and artist's time. But hey, I got some cash, and a half-decent script. And great artist friends. Might as well be hung as a sheep than a lamb.
I wonder, what else I have lying in the old backup drives.
Carutan Padu Maut
Bughit mak kau.
Pantat anjing bapak kau rogol mak kau kat bontot.
Puki mak kau kena seterika panas. Pasal nak hilangkan kedut.
Nenek ko gatal pantat, ambik sabut kelapa, buat penggaru.
Nenek ko kena titty-fuck dengan basikal.
Datuk ko rogol kerbau pondan. Dah lah gay, bestiality pulak tu.
Cipap nenek kau boleh bersiul lagu Bridge on the River Kwai.
Bila direndam dalam air panas, cibai nenek ko kembang macam mi maggi.
Pelir bapak ko ada gigi dan pakai spek sebab rabun jauh.
Kote bapak ko memang menjadi idaman semua jenis haiwan ternakan kat kampung.
Bapak ko slut.
Mak ko digelar Jamaliah Basikal, pasal dia memang basikal pun.
Datuk ko memang suka makan puki kering. Rangup, katanya. Walaupun.
Pada suatu hari, kemalangan telah terjadi pasal Keretapi Tanah Melayu ingat pantat mak kau tu terowong baru.
Baja taik kelawar yang bapak ko kumpul berguni-guni tu, sebenarnya baja taik pantat mak kau.
Phew.
Lega rasanya.
Pantat anjing bapak kau rogol mak kau kat bontot.
Puki mak kau kena seterika panas. Pasal nak hilangkan kedut.
Nenek ko gatal pantat, ambik sabut kelapa, buat penggaru.
Nenek ko kena titty-fuck dengan basikal.
Datuk ko rogol kerbau pondan. Dah lah gay, bestiality pulak tu.
Cipap nenek kau boleh bersiul lagu Bridge on the River Kwai.
Bila direndam dalam air panas, cibai nenek ko kembang macam mi maggi.
Pelir bapak ko ada gigi dan pakai spek sebab rabun jauh.
Kote bapak ko memang menjadi idaman semua jenis haiwan ternakan kat kampung.
Bapak ko slut.
Mak ko digelar Jamaliah Basikal, pasal dia memang basikal pun.
Datuk ko memang suka makan puki kering. Rangup, katanya. Walaupun.
Pada suatu hari, kemalangan telah terjadi pasal Keretapi Tanah Melayu ingat pantat mak kau tu terowong baru.
Baja taik kelawar yang bapak ko kumpul berguni-guni tu, sebenarnya baja taik pantat mak kau.
Phew.
Lega rasanya.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Identity Again
For some reason, a lot of TV series recently focused on writers. Explains my current train of thought about the profession.
David Duchovny stars in Californication - about a novelist who has sex-addiction. Then, there's Castle - about a novelist who seems to have sex-addiction who solves murders with this hot detective he wants to have sex-addiction with.
Why are writers portrayed as sex addicts?
Well, I mean, sex is important for a healthy mind and body, and is the vital element in the breakfast of champions, but why does it have to be sex all the time?
We're not all perverts. I mean, I am, but some of us are asexual. You cut a piece of them, and it grows into another stupid asshole.
One thing I forgot to mention - one thing they always forget - is how to market yourself as a writer.
When I was in high school, I was into sci-fi.
One of my favourite sci-fi writers was Robert J Sawyer.
I looked him up online and read his interviews. He said, "Most Canadian writers, they pretend to be Americans. And that's where they went wrong."
See, Sawyer reasons that there are so many American sci-fi authors. Too many that the small pool of Canadian sci-fi writers would find it difficult to define themselves.
What HE did was to trump up his identity as a CANADIAN sci-fi writer.
This is what's happening to some people in Malaysia.
After finding out that they can't really fight on the global stage as a bland 'international writer', they are marketing themselves as 'Malaysian writers'.
People who used to knock the country to the ground are draping themselves with the flag and claiming their lineage.
Smart move, and I think it will work.
We have the Asian Booker Prize award, which is open to Asian writers - more achievable than the Man Booker Prize in the UK. The Newberry, World Fantasy Award, Hugo, Nebula, whatever the fuck.
People always say, oh, write with a 'voice'. I do not know what this means. Not really. But it sure as hell almost impossible to do, if you don't know yourself first.
Me? I'm a forger. I take other people's styles, and try to execute it as my own. Gaiman, Moore, Eminem. It never sounds the same. Which is good.
After a while, I got tired of them, and of copying them. So I just did whatever-the-fuck.
David Duchovny stars in Californication - about a novelist who has sex-addiction. Then, there's Castle - about a novelist who seems to have sex-addiction who solves murders with this hot detective he wants to have sex-addiction with.
Why are writers portrayed as sex addicts?
Well, I mean, sex is important for a healthy mind and body, and is the vital element in the breakfast of champions, but why does it have to be sex all the time?
We're not all perverts. I mean, I am, but some of us are asexual. You cut a piece of them, and it grows into another stupid asshole.
One thing I forgot to mention - one thing they always forget - is how to market yourself as a writer.
When I was in high school, I was into sci-fi.
One of my favourite sci-fi writers was Robert J Sawyer.
I looked him up online and read his interviews. He said, "Most Canadian writers, they pretend to be Americans. And that's where they went wrong."
See, Sawyer reasons that there are so many American sci-fi authors. Too many that the small pool of Canadian sci-fi writers would find it difficult to define themselves.
What HE did was to trump up his identity as a CANADIAN sci-fi writer.
This is what's happening to some people in Malaysia.
After finding out that they can't really fight on the global stage as a bland 'international writer', they are marketing themselves as 'Malaysian writers'.
People who used to knock the country to the ground are draping themselves with the flag and claiming their lineage.
Smart move, and I think it will work.
We have the Asian Booker Prize award, which is open to Asian writers - more achievable than the Man Booker Prize in the UK. The Newberry, World Fantasy Award, Hugo, Nebula, whatever the fuck.
People always say, oh, write with a 'voice'. I do not know what this means. Not really. But it sure as hell almost impossible to do, if you don't know yourself first.
Me? I'm a forger. I take other people's styles, and try to execute it as my own. Gaiman, Moore, Eminem. It never sounds the same. Which is good.
After a while, I got tired of them, and of copying them. So I just did whatever-the-fuck.
The Write Way
Recently, I got a lot of students asking me how to break into writing.
It seems that they think being a writer involves smoking, drinking, and facing the computer in boxers or in the nude, writing stuff that people will pay for.
Hah!
First of all, I'm not the best person to give advice. I don't have like, 20 years experience in the business. I have like, six. Or seven. So go somewhere else and suck someone else's dick.
I've worked in many sectors of the industry, and I can give some beginners' tips for those trying to break in.
1. Failures
Way back when I was 23, I joined a cult.
It pumped me up enough to believe that I can just say 'fuck you' to my Computer Science degree and my dreams of being a programmer, to pursue a career in writing.
So, I rummaged through some shit I have in my hard drive and came up with three short stories I had written.
Using it as writing samples, I applied for anything I could think of. I even approached Harper-Collins to see if they would want to get me as a writer.
I got rejected. Hahaha. But the editors were nice enough to point me in the right direction - out.
This is one of the stupid attitudes I see in beginners. They want other people to tell them how good they are and then give them a job, a hefty advance, suck their dicks, lick their vaginas and give them multi-million dollar cheques.
Look, it does happen. To like, one in a billion. Or perhaps one in 10 billion.
So. Forget it. It's not gonna happen. Get a job, you fuck.
No one likes you. Everyone thinks you're stupid. Boo fucking hoo. If you can't live with that, ram your head against a wall. Repeat until you die.
2. Newspapers
Failing to get my stories published, I sought to become a journalist. Just like Neil Gaiman.
Well, actually that is not true. Firstly, I did get published. In Silverfish. And I did not seek to become a journalist. I was just looking for a job. Cause I was tired of eating rice, fried eggs and Aji-Shio all day.
I sent my resume to over 60 companies that advertised for writers.
You wouldn't believe the kind of jobs available for writers. At insurance companies, they have form-fillers. These are writers assigned to refill any idiot's failed attempt at writing their own names and IC numbers in insurance forms.
Copywriting. Scripts. Translation. Subtitles. Proofreaders. Press releases. Menus. Websites. Banners. Anything and everything that is written, anywhere, needs writers.
I got lucky and ended up at a newspaper.
Just send your resumes, and contact the editors directly. Find out who they are first. And be prepared to stay as a temp worker for years, if need be. A year is normal. Three years is heard of. Six months is a world record.
It's a lot of work. Ask any journalist.
2. TV
I actually started out doing animation scripts for TV. The rate varies for half hour and one hour shows.
Just go and pop in anywhere where they do it. With a resume and writing sample.
Be warned, though. If you think the TV scene is like in the States, think again. This is Malaysia. Nuff said.
3. Movies
This one's tough. You have to be connected. You must have proven yourself somewhere else first.
Me? I was connected. I know people who know people.
It's not that complicated. And it's not that simple. But people who want to do movies usually end up doing movies. If they really want to.
If you're bold enough, try and convince a producer with your synopsis. Then work with the director for the breakdown and the flow. Be ready to change anything and everything in the story.
Watch a lot of movies.
4. Magazines
The easiest way to get into the business. But the hardest to define yourself as a writer.
Magazines have limited distribution. While major newspapers reach over 300K or a million readers DAILY, the top magazines sell like, 20,000 copies a MONTH. Of course, Variasari and Mastika are special cases.
As magazines take more time, your articles have to generally be better than average as well.
There are a LOT of magazines. I did something for someone and found out that there are over 2,000 titles under just ONE major distributor.
Magazines, though, they have a shelf-life of a few years. Then they die. Then a new one sprouts up, and you see the same faces. It's a cycle. Magazines that stay on either have strong financial backing or have strong financial backing.
5. Books
No.
When you have enough time, write a book.
This is when you are confident enough with your material and your discipline to actually commit to a long-term project.
But.
No.
6. Comics
Deceptively easy, but so far remains the hardest one to do properly.
And...no money here. Go somewhere else. Shoo!
...
Still here? Go somewhere else. Forget it.
7. Important things
Gaiman, when asked about his advice to aspiring writers, wrote, "Write. Finish what you write."
I'm betting most people who 'likes to write' have at least 10 files in their My Documents folder which they never finished writing. I got over 40 unfinished stories. Sometimes, 10 documents of the same story. Written and rewritten over the years.
That's one of the reasons the size of my My Documents exceeds 5GB. That, and porn.
You wouldn't believe how many writers run away.
Sometimes, I get them jobs - stuff I can't handle alone - and they fucking run! Incommunicado for days, or weeks. Some, even months. And I end up having to do it myself. And get all the money, and glamour. And starlets sucking my dick.
Dude, you can't run away. Unless your daddy is some millionaire bastard motherfucker, this is the most important thing.
Sure, I wanted to run away numerous times. Had a few nervous breakdowns, only one of which I shared with a friend. Sometimes, you might feel like killing yourself. But never, ever run.
I never ran. Wanted to. REALLY wanted to. Didn't. Some of the best decisions of my life.
Or not.
Fuck all that, man.
And then, there's politics.
I. Fucking. Hate. Politics.
But this is something you gotta deal with, man.
In an ideal world, writers would write and ONLY write. Unfortunately, in an ideal world, Jessica Alba and Natalie Portman would be sucking my dick right now.
I have seen people whose only talent in life is to play politics. They suck at everything else. These people usually become my nemesis cause I can't play politics to save my life. I end up pissing everyone off, whether I mean to or not.
Nothing you can do about it. Except, well, maybe, take a machete, and start killing people. Yeah, that would help.
The most vital thing to remember is that there is a difference between what you have in your head and what it really is.
If I had a choice, I might have been an investment banker and ran away before 2005. And live my life in a non-extradition country. After causing all this economic bullshit.
It seems that they think being a writer involves smoking, drinking, and facing the computer in boxers or in the nude, writing stuff that people will pay for.
Hah!
First of all, I'm not the best person to give advice. I don't have like, 20 years experience in the business. I have like, six. Or seven. So go somewhere else and suck someone else's dick.
I've worked in many sectors of the industry, and I can give some beginners' tips for those trying to break in.
1. Failures
Way back when I was 23, I joined a cult.
It pumped me up enough to believe that I can just say 'fuck you' to my Computer Science degree and my dreams of being a programmer, to pursue a career in writing.
So, I rummaged through some shit I have in my hard drive and came up with three short stories I had written.
Using it as writing samples, I applied for anything I could think of. I even approached Harper-Collins to see if they would want to get me as a writer.
I got rejected. Hahaha. But the editors were nice enough to point me in the right direction - out.
This is one of the stupid attitudes I see in beginners. They want other people to tell them how good they are and then give them a job, a hefty advance, suck their dicks, lick their vaginas and give them multi-million dollar cheques.
Look, it does happen. To like, one in a billion. Or perhaps one in 10 billion.
So. Forget it. It's not gonna happen. Get a job, you fuck.
No one likes you. Everyone thinks you're stupid. Boo fucking hoo. If you can't live with that, ram your head against a wall. Repeat until you die.
2. Newspapers
Failing to get my stories published, I sought to become a journalist. Just like Neil Gaiman.
Well, actually that is not true. Firstly, I did get published. In Silverfish. And I did not seek to become a journalist. I was just looking for a job. Cause I was tired of eating rice, fried eggs and Aji-Shio all day.
I sent my resume to over 60 companies that advertised for writers.
You wouldn't believe the kind of jobs available for writers. At insurance companies, they have form-fillers. These are writers assigned to refill any idiot's failed attempt at writing their own names and IC numbers in insurance forms.
Copywriting. Scripts. Translation. Subtitles. Proofreaders. Press releases. Menus. Websites. Banners. Anything and everything that is written, anywhere, needs writers.
I got lucky and ended up at a newspaper.
Just send your resumes, and contact the editors directly. Find out who they are first. And be prepared to stay as a temp worker for years, if need be. A year is normal. Three years is heard of. Six months is a world record.
It's a lot of work. Ask any journalist.
2. TV
I actually started out doing animation scripts for TV. The rate varies for half hour and one hour shows.
Just go and pop in anywhere where they do it. With a resume and writing sample.
Be warned, though. If you think the TV scene is like in the States, think again. This is Malaysia. Nuff said.
3. Movies
This one's tough. You have to be connected. You must have proven yourself somewhere else first.
Me? I was connected. I know people who know people.
It's not that complicated. And it's not that simple. But people who want to do movies usually end up doing movies. If they really want to.
If you're bold enough, try and convince a producer with your synopsis. Then work with the director for the breakdown and the flow. Be ready to change anything and everything in the story.
Watch a lot of movies.
4. Magazines
The easiest way to get into the business. But the hardest to define yourself as a writer.
Magazines have limited distribution. While major newspapers reach over 300K or a million readers DAILY, the top magazines sell like, 20,000 copies a MONTH. Of course, Variasari and Mastika are special cases.
As magazines take more time, your articles have to generally be better than average as well.
There are a LOT of magazines. I did something for someone and found out that there are over 2,000 titles under just ONE major distributor.
Magazines, though, they have a shelf-life of a few years. Then they die. Then a new one sprouts up, and you see the same faces. It's a cycle. Magazines that stay on either have strong financial backing or have strong financial backing.
5. Books
No.
When you have enough time, write a book.
This is when you are confident enough with your material and your discipline to actually commit to a long-term project.
But.
No.
6. Comics
Deceptively easy, but so far remains the hardest one to do properly.
And...no money here. Go somewhere else. Shoo!
...
Still here? Go somewhere else. Forget it.
7. Important things
Gaiman, when asked about his advice to aspiring writers, wrote, "Write. Finish what you write."
I'm betting most people who 'likes to write' have at least 10 files in their My Documents folder which they never finished writing. I got over 40 unfinished stories. Sometimes, 10 documents of the same story. Written and rewritten over the years.
That's one of the reasons the size of my My Documents exceeds 5GB. That, and porn.
You wouldn't believe how many writers run away.
Sometimes, I get them jobs - stuff I can't handle alone - and they fucking run! Incommunicado for days, or weeks. Some, even months. And I end up having to do it myself. And get all the money, and glamour. And starlets sucking my dick.
Dude, you can't run away. Unless your daddy is some millionaire bastard motherfucker, this is the most important thing.
Sure, I wanted to run away numerous times. Had a few nervous breakdowns, only one of which I shared with a friend. Sometimes, you might feel like killing yourself. But never, ever run.
I never ran. Wanted to. REALLY wanted to. Didn't. Some of the best decisions of my life.
Or not.
Fuck all that, man.
And then, there's politics.
I. Fucking. Hate. Politics.
But this is something you gotta deal with, man.
In an ideal world, writers would write and ONLY write. Unfortunately, in an ideal world, Jessica Alba and Natalie Portman would be sucking my dick right now.
I have seen people whose only talent in life is to play politics. They suck at everything else. These people usually become my nemesis cause I can't play politics to save my life. I end up pissing everyone off, whether I mean to or not.
Nothing you can do about it. Except, well, maybe, take a machete, and start killing people. Yeah, that would help.
The most vital thing to remember is that there is a difference between what you have in your head and what it really is.
If I had a choice, I might have been an investment banker and ran away before 2005. And live my life in a non-extradition country. After causing all this economic bullshit.
Lies!
You know, in these troubled economic times, the most irritating people are the liars.
Yep. The con-men.
I wasted a lot of time with con-men. But was smart enough not to spend any money on them.
The lies they come up with are comparable to African money scams - too stupid to believe.
I listened in awe as some people told me about billion-dollar projects. Overseas employment. Political shenanigans.
Hey, what can I do? I'm interested with stories - and these are the most fantastic ones out there.
An international agency wants to do TV projects in Malaysia. And wants ME to consult for them. When they already have a major local agency backing them.
I was like, "errr...I know I'm cool and handsome and all, but wouldn't relying on the local agency be more logical, logistically, and politically?"
This is one of the mild ones. You wouldn't believe the kind of bullshit I hear on a daily basis.
The constant promises. The ever-changing stories.
And funnily enough, the people who actually do follow up on their promises and pay me during these hard times are people I was warned against.
All of the organisations and companies I am working with have proven themselves to be quite honest in their dealings.
I find that they have some degree of professionalism and only needs gentle reminders now and then when payment is due.
And it can be quite surprising who and which entity could be lying through their teeth.
I have been quite fortunate. I do have an instinct for bullshit.
It's a jungle out here, man.
Tread lightly. And always carry a machete. You never know who you need to kill.
Yep. The con-men.
I wasted a lot of time with con-men. But was smart enough not to spend any money on them.
The lies they come up with are comparable to African money scams - too stupid to believe.
I listened in awe as some people told me about billion-dollar projects. Overseas employment. Political shenanigans.
Hey, what can I do? I'm interested with stories - and these are the most fantastic ones out there.
An international agency wants to do TV projects in Malaysia. And wants ME to consult for them. When they already have a major local agency backing them.
I was like, "errr...I know I'm cool and handsome and all, but wouldn't relying on the local agency be more logical, logistically, and politically?"
This is one of the mild ones. You wouldn't believe the kind of bullshit I hear on a daily basis.
The constant promises. The ever-changing stories.
And funnily enough, the people who actually do follow up on their promises and pay me during these hard times are people I was warned against.
All of the organisations and companies I am working with have proven themselves to be quite honest in their dealings.
I find that they have some degree of professionalism and only needs gentle reminders now and then when payment is due.
And it can be quite surprising who and which entity could be lying through their teeth.
I have been quite fortunate. I do have an instinct for bullshit.
It's a jungle out here, man.
Tread lightly. And always carry a machete. You never know who you need to kill.
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