Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Today's Theme
To the sweeeeaaaaat! To the sweeeeeeaaaatt!
To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls!
To the sweeeeaaaaat! To the sweeeeeeaaaatt!
To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls!
Smack her wit a dick! Smack her wit a dick!
Fuck her in the ear! Fuck her in the ear!
Fuck her in the eye! Fuck her in the eye!
Bliiiiind the bitch! Bliiiiind the bitch!
To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls!
To the sweeeeaaaaat! To the sweeeeeeaaaatt!
To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls!
Smack her wit a dick! Smack her wit a dick!
Fuck her in the ear! Fuck her in the ear!
Fuck her in the eye! Fuck her in the eye!
Bliiiiind the bitch! Bliiiiind the bitch!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Semusim di Syurga: Hipotesis Hipokrit
Aku lepak dengan Angkatan Belia Neraka Jumaat lepas, dan kami membincangkan hipotesis:
Jadi aku pun melihat ke Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar, Presiden Pro-Tem Angkatan Belia Neraka Malaysia, dan aku cakap kat dia.
"Somebody has to do something. Take back the sin! We must get the Malays back on the path of wanton, open hedonism."
Or something of that sort. Whatever.
And he nodded. And that was that.
Ya. Kami setuju. Ada sesapa nak tubuhkan anti-ABIM? Ada sesapa takde kerja, takde duit, pastu nak makan free kat Kamunting (aku dengar roti dia best. Keras, dan kalau bernasib baik, ada fresh mushroom kat atas roti)? Ada sesapa nak berenti isap dadah?
Pasal aku malas. Aku sibuk. Aku ada banyak kerja. Pergi mampuslah korang nak buat apa pun. Aku peduli hapa? Yang penting, dua-tiga minggu lagi, aku balik ke tanah tumpah darah.
Kap kung kraap!
Malaysia jadi jahanam lepas ABIM.
ABIM menukarkan Melayu-Melayu Proto yang minum arak pada Hari Raya, dan memakai corset di bawah kebaya yang ketat, kepada Melayu-Melayu Hipokrit yang mimum minyak atar dan memakai baju arab (pasal Arab=Islam). Melayu-Melayu Hipokrit yang ingin KELIHATAN Islam, yang ingin NAMPAK SEOLAH-OLAH akan masuk syurga. Jadi kalau nak minum arak, tak boleh terang-terangan sangat.
ABIM juga bersalah dengan membuatkan perempuan-perempuan yang sama ada buruk, hodoh, atau mengesyaki diri sendiri buruk/tua, untuk memakai tudung. Kerana sekurang-kurangnya, kalau dah tak lawa tu, nanti masuk syurga. Katanya.
ABIM bertanggungjawab membuat ramai orang menjadi munafik, yang bagi mereka lagi bagus dari jadi kafir atau murtad. Katanya. Walaupun dosa untuk semua tu sama saja. Masuk Neraka Tingkat 9 gak.
TAMMAT
Jadi aku pun melihat ke Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar, Presiden Pro-Tem Angkatan Belia Neraka Malaysia, dan aku cakap kat dia.
"Somebody has to do something. Take back the sin! We must get the Malays back on the path of wanton, open hedonism."
Or something of that sort. Whatever.
And he nodded. And that was that.
Ya. Kami setuju. Ada sesapa nak tubuhkan anti-ABIM? Ada sesapa takde kerja, takde duit, pastu nak makan free kat Kamunting (aku dengar roti dia best. Keras, dan kalau bernasib baik, ada fresh mushroom kat atas roti)? Ada sesapa nak berenti isap dadah?
Pasal aku malas. Aku sibuk. Aku ada banyak kerja. Pergi mampuslah korang nak buat apa pun. Aku peduli hapa? Yang penting, dua-tiga minggu lagi, aku balik ke tanah tumpah darah.
Kap kung kraap!
Arthritis
I'm older than Methuselah. Older than sin.
Man. In the past, I've often wished that I am already 40, waiting to die while reading newspapers at a pub. Wish I could have fast-forwarded my life to an early retirement.
Unfortunately, that's not all growing old is about.
I mean, when I was younger, I travelled the path of vengeance many, many times. I took my revenge on anything and anyone that crossed me, and I enjoyed it so. It doesn't take much, really.
I am in the business of information, in communication. I'm a trained journalist. I read people's perceptions and general trends. I see the nodes, and I see what happens when certain things are put through certain points and where they will end up. I can be a political assassin when I want to be one.
And if I did my job REALLY well, no one would know that I've done anything at all. The perfect murder.
I have seen people's lives crumble before me. Their dreams shattered. Unable to find true happiness, they scour for a fascimile of a happy existence. Usually, they go back to religion or into the arms of the hypocritical community they live in.
For the rest of their natural lives, they will be fake, pretentious and never know the real meaning of happiness.
It didn't take much to do, what I did. A small push here, a light pull there, and voila. The motherfuckers wilt and die. And none of them didn't deserve what they got.
But now, looking back, old as I am, ancient as I am, I'm beginning to wonder two things:
1. Did I really do anything, or was I just wasting my time?
2. What good have that ever done for me?
Number one, most people I destroyed were already on the path of destruction. They're usually stupid, ingenuine, fake, petty, self-sabotaging, self-proclaimed victims and stupid. I mentioned that they are stupid.
I mean, consider this: A man who demands that he be loved and respected, that he be given the time of day from other people, that he be given attention, will eventually destroy himself. I didn't have to do anything.
And a backstabber will backstab everyone (especially if he/she is a Malay) and no matter who he/she is in cahoots with, they will eventually either avoid him/her like the plague or they in turn will backstab him/her, before he/she could backstab them.
I saw this happen with my own eyes.
Many years ago, one guy kept backstabbing me. After I was gone from his world, and he didn't have anyone to backstab, everyone he worked with backstabbed him. Now he has to crawl back to his family and ask them to give him food. Possibly tampons as well.
That was fine, but the question is, did I really do anything? Looking back, I must say that no, I didn't. He managed to do that all by himself. But I kept on and on, focusing my energy on cursing him. And I don't even believe in magic.
People whom I hate usually share one thing in common - they're dicks. Motherfuckers. They're already on a self-destruct sequence. I really didn't have to do anything, and they would crumble and fall. So soft, so young, so lost and oh-so bloody fooooolll!
So it WAS a waste of time. My father was right. He used to say, "Don't do anything evil to evil people. They will get what they deserve - they will die."
Well, that's his simplistic way of putting it. The way I see it, people who are committed to doing stupid and evil things to other people are probably the saddest, most pathetic creatures on earth.
They might say that they're happy raping a 12-year-old, or molesting a 14-year-old, but is that real joy? So for fucktards, their punishment is not death, but life. As a fucktard. They're already serving pennance for their stupidity, by being stupid.
And I don't really have to do anything. It was all just a waste of my time.
Which brings me to item number two - what good has that ever done for me?
Well, I used to enjoy setting things up and watching them come together or fall apart around a person I don't like. It brought such laughter to me. Some of that I shared with you already, in the past.
But then again, my dream is to get millions of Euros and get the hell out of this country. What the fuck does punishing fucktards and monkeys and destroying their lives have to do with that? There are too many of them, and it would be better for me to arrange plots and scenes in a movie rather than tweak certain things in real life so that their lives would be destroyed. Cause it's already destroyed anyway.
Man, I AM getting old. And this world is getting old on me, too. Maybe the only thing worth plotting is for the end of the world. That way, I can take out fucktards wholsesale.
DESTRUCTION!
I hate Ahmadinejad! FUCKING PERSIANS! Come and do a nuclear test here, in KL, you fucking fucktard!
DESTROY!
Kim Jong Il is a fag! Hilary Clinton is a MAN! Chairman Mao raped all his pigs before he ate them.
Send all your nuclear bombs to Malaysia, foo! I dare ya! I double dare ya!
Yeah. That takes care of Malaysia. And now, for the world. I will contribute to global warming as much as I can, because I believe that Everyone Should Die.
I pledge to help raise the temperature of the world by, say, 3 degrees? Thus, burning all the oxygen and suffocating all living things. Even the roaches will die.
Man. In the past, I've often wished that I am already 40, waiting to die while reading newspapers at a pub. Wish I could have fast-forwarded my life to an early retirement.
Unfortunately, that's not all growing old is about.
I mean, when I was younger, I travelled the path of vengeance many, many times. I took my revenge on anything and anyone that crossed me, and I enjoyed it so. It doesn't take much, really.
I am in the business of information, in communication. I'm a trained journalist. I read people's perceptions and general trends. I see the nodes, and I see what happens when certain things are put through certain points and where they will end up. I can be a political assassin when I want to be one.
And if I did my job REALLY well, no one would know that I've done anything at all. The perfect murder.
I have seen people's lives crumble before me. Their dreams shattered. Unable to find true happiness, they scour for a fascimile of a happy existence. Usually, they go back to religion or into the arms of the hypocritical community they live in.
For the rest of their natural lives, they will be fake, pretentious and never know the real meaning of happiness.
It didn't take much to do, what I did. A small push here, a light pull there, and voila. The motherfuckers wilt and die. And none of them didn't deserve what they got.
But now, looking back, old as I am, ancient as I am, I'm beginning to wonder two things:
1. Did I really do anything, or was I just wasting my time?
2. What good have that ever done for me?
Number one, most people I destroyed were already on the path of destruction. They're usually stupid, ingenuine, fake, petty, self-sabotaging, self-proclaimed victims and stupid. I mentioned that they are stupid.
I mean, consider this: A man who demands that he be loved and respected, that he be given the time of day from other people, that he be given attention, will eventually destroy himself. I didn't have to do anything.
And a backstabber will backstab everyone (especially if he/she is a Malay) and no matter who he/she is in cahoots with, they will eventually either avoid him/her like the plague or they in turn will backstab him/her, before he/she could backstab them.
I saw this happen with my own eyes.
Many years ago, one guy kept backstabbing me. After I was gone from his world, and he didn't have anyone to backstab, everyone he worked with backstabbed him. Now he has to crawl back to his family and ask them to give him food. Possibly tampons as well.
That was fine, but the question is, did I really do anything? Looking back, I must say that no, I didn't. He managed to do that all by himself. But I kept on and on, focusing my energy on cursing him. And I don't even believe in magic.
People whom I hate usually share one thing in common - they're dicks. Motherfuckers. They're already on a self-destruct sequence. I really didn't have to do anything, and they would crumble and fall. So soft, so young, so lost and oh-so bloody fooooolll!
So it WAS a waste of time. My father was right. He used to say, "Don't do anything evil to evil people. They will get what they deserve - they will die."
Well, that's his simplistic way of putting it. The way I see it, people who are committed to doing stupid and evil things to other people are probably the saddest, most pathetic creatures on earth.
They might say that they're happy raping a 12-year-old, or molesting a 14-year-old, but is that real joy? So for fucktards, their punishment is not death, but life. As a fucktard. They're already serving pennance for their stupidity, by being stupid.
And I don't really have to do anything. It was all just a waste of my time.
Which brings me to item number two - what good has that ever done for me?
Well, I used to enjoy setting things up and watching them come together or fall apart around a person I don't like. It brought such laughter to me. Some of that I shared with you already, in the past.
But then again, my dream is to get millions of Euros and get the hell out of this country. What the fuck does punishing fucktards and monkeys and destroying their lives have to do with that? There are too many of them, and it would be better for me to arrange plots and scenes in a movie rather than tweak certain things in real life so that their lives would be destroyed. Cause it's already destroyed anyway.
Man, I AM getting old. And this world is getting old on me, too. Maybe the only thing worth plotting is for the end of the world. That way, I can take out fucktards wholsesale.
DESTRUCTION!
I hate Ahmadinejad! FUCKING PERSIANS! Come and do a nuclear test here, in KL, you fucking fucktard!
DESTROY!
Kim Jong Il is a fag! Hilary Clinton is a MAN! Chairman Mao raped all his pigs before he ate them.
Send all your nuclear bombs to Malaysia, foo! I dare ya! I double dare ya!
Yeah. That takes care of Malaysia. And now, for the world. I will contribute to global warming as much as I can, because I believe that Everyone Should Die.
I pledge to help raise the temperature of the world by, say, 3 degrees? Thus, burning all the oxygen and suffocating all living things. Even the roaches will die.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Monkeys
ON WHAT HAPPENED TODAY:
If you were to ask for my opinion on what transpired today, I can only say one thing - I don't speak monkey.
If you were to ask for my opinion on what transpired today, I can only say one thing - I don't speak monkey.
National Pornographic Sexplorer: Pattaya Pantats
Man, glad that's out of the way.
Phew.
SUPPLIES! The Knights of Bukkake ride again!
Anyway, I am going to a different part of Thailand this year. After years of planning with the Earl of Cunt, I, Count Clitoris, am going to a Bangkok-Pattaya trip this June.
Usually, we'd plan to go to Bangkok or Pattaya and eventually end up in Phuket. Not anymore. Our sexploring comes first. And this is another notch to get.
We are calling ourselves the Pattaya Pantats because this is the first time we'll be in Pattaya.
I mean, I've been to Phuket 10 times and Bangkok three, but I've never been to Pattaya.
People say it's not as nice as Phuket. It's more Vegas than anything. Just cheaper.
Well, as far as I'm concerned:
Bangkok = outer beauty (Zhang Ziyi can kiss my ass!)
Phuket = inner beauty (you have to see it to believe it. And not be an ass, cause Thais can sense an ass from a mile away, foo!)
Pattaya = pantat beauty?
I don't give a shit. If Pattaya blows - and I'm sure they do - I'm gonna go back to Bangkok.
I'll be goin' soon. Very soon.
So all-a-you Malaysian women can all FUCK OFF AND DIE! Goodbye, Malaysian hos! Hello, Thai beauties!
Yeah. Uh. Uh. Pop that pussy, cause me so horny!
Phew.
SUPPLIES! The Knights of Bukkake ride again!
Anyway, I am going to a different part of Thailand this year. After years of planning with the Earl of Cunt, I, Count Clitoris, am going to a Bangkok-Pattaya trip this June.
Usually, we'd plan to go to Bangkok or Pattaya and eventually end up in Phuket. Not anymore. Our sexploring comes first. And this is another notch to get.
We are calling ourselves the Pattaya Pantats because this is the first time we'll be in Pattaya.
I mean, I've been to Phuket 10 times and Bangkok three, but I've never been to Pattaya.
People say it's not as nice as Phuket. It's more Vegas than anything. Just cheaper.
Well, as far as I'm concerned:
Bangkok = outer beauty (Zhang Ziyi can kiss my ass!)
Phuket = inner beauty (you have to see it to believe it. And not be an ass, cause Thais can sense an ass from a mile away, foo!)
Pattaya = pantat beauty?
I don't give a shit. If Pattaya blows - and I'm sure they do - I'm gonna go back to Bangkok.
I'll be goin' soon. Very soon.
So all-a-you Malaysian women can all FUCK OFF AND DIE! Goodbye, Malaysian hos! Hello, Thai beauties!
Yeah. Uh. Uh. Pop that pussy, cause me so horny!
Man of Tomorrow: Fight the Future
And so it began. The final battle. Underwear-Model-Man, Man of Tomorrow, Pimp Masta G, The Malay Male, Prince of Phuket, versus that ass Zen-Master Sexay.
Me: Fuck you, bitch! Una-beam! Repulsor ray! Optic Blast!
Zen-Master Sexay: You goin' Cyclops on me, bitch? I go GRANDIZER on yo ass! Space Thunder! Double Sickle!
Me: You broke fourth wall last time, you fucking Mongolian!
ZMS: Oh, that. You can't stand that, can't you? Nothing's gonna harm you...not while I'm around...
Me: Stop singing and fight me, asshole!
ZMS: We're only fighting ourselves. I'm just you a few years from now.
Me: I'll fight the fucking future. If the future looks like you, no one wants to live in it.
ZMS: Funny. Last time I checked, there were 6 billion people from my time.
Me: Only 6 billion? I thought they'd be more?
ZMS: Well, 4 billion got killed by global warming, nuclear winter and some got raped by giant robots.
Me: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Anyway, I'mma kill yo ass, motherfucker, same like last time. You fucking inner-adult.
ZMS: Hold up, bitch! Don't you remember what this was all about?
Me: Yeah, me kickin' yo punk ass motherfucka, motherfucka!
ZMS: No. You. Remember what this was all about? You became the devil so you could fight angels. So there would BE angels. Where are the angels now, bitch?
Me: Who the fuck gives a shit about winged fags? Gekigan! FLARE!
ZMS: Open the gates! Reverse Lotus! Truth be told, no one got your message. No one understood. No one understands. You want to spend the rest of your life preaching to idiots?
Me: So?
ZMS: Truth is, there are no angels. By becoming Lucifer, you only become Lucifer. Get my shrift?
Me: Fuck all, broseph! I'mma STILL kickin' yo ass!
ZMS: Here's the thing. You got lost in all that posturing, hoping for the world to hit you back cause you were some form of negative energy -
Me: I am a creature of despair! I am DESTRUCTION! I am Fenris the Wolf! Anger, Sadness, Hate!
ZMS: Ashes to ashes. You resisted because you wanted to see more of the good shit. But people are stupid. They didn't come up with good shit. They didn't come up with anything. People are sheep. You WERE their sheperd. Now they're all going to hell.
Me: There is no such thing as hell. Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar stopped blogging already. Again.
ZMS: Fuck, man. How do I get through to you? Your efforts will come to naught cause it's like downloading the entire knowledge of humanity into an ant. It's like preaching to roaches. They're resilient as shit, but will never write comics.
Me: Fuck you and your zen bullshit. I am what I am. A barbarian. Barbarian X!
ZMS: WHatever. But you have to grow up some day. You inherit the earth. You have to take care of it.
Me: No. I refuse that responsibility.
ZMS: But you took on an even bigger responsibility before this. Your existence deformed the universe. Remember your training.
Me: Fuck my training. This isn't about my training.
ZMS: No. It's about you and where do you go from here. You can stay as you are, or you can simply be whatever you want to be.
Me: The king of dreams learns he must either change or die.
ZMS: Exactly.
Me: I will stay as I am. Pain, anger, despair, hate - all this makes great art.
ZMS: No. Let me put it this way - sum up Neil Gaiman in one word.
Me: ...sensible.
ZMS: Alan Moore.
Me: Madness. Majestic. No. Madness.
ZMS: Brian Michael Bendis?
Me: Empathic.
ZMS: Are any of them Destruction?
Me: I am Destruction.
ZMS: No. You, me, us - we're -
Me: Madness? Cause I am talking to my inner-adult who just broke the fourth wall, which is invisible. At 4am.
ZMS: Nah. You, we, are perfectly sane.
Me: So?
ZMS: Well, we're -
And then a rift opened in the time-stream. Out popped an old man with 108 packs on his abs. And TWO giant laser cannons on his shoulders.
ZMS: WHo the fuck are you, bitch?
Old Man: I am called Pimp Masta Dragon. I am the leader of the 108 dragons. I come from your future. And get this - I'm you.
Me: When the fuck did this become and Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?
Pimp-Masta-Dragon: Well, it's true. In the future, China is dope.
ZMS: WHoa. They took over the world?
PMD: They took over the dope business. So yeah. They rule the world. Cheap ass crack made by slave labour. Oh, by the way, the politicians in this time got their wish. All the Chinese went back to China. All the Indians went back to India - some got lost and went to the UK.
ZMS: And the Malays?
PMD: They migrated to Saudi Arabia. Chasing heaven under robes and the hot desert sun. All they got was skin cancer.
Me: SO who the fuck stays here?
PMD: You. Me. Well, you. Us. We wanted to migrate, but it proved too difficult, so we drove everyone out with giant robots. If migration won't come to Mohamed...
Me: To build my kingdom with my own two hands.
PMD: Exactly.
ZMS: SO who else is there?
PMD: Thais, mostly. And some lesbians. I don't remember. I mean, I am 108 years old.
Me: Fuck that. I'm not living past 45. I'll kill myself before I reach that stage.
PMD: Well, stuff happens.
ZMS: SO why did you come to this time?
PMD: Um...I forgot. 108 years old, you know.
Me: get on with it, old man!
PMD: All right, all right. I'm supposed to tell you guys that...
ZMS: Yes?
PMD: If Anwar Ibrahim ever gets into power, everyone is fucked.
Me: Fucking hell?! Everybody knows that!
ZMS: Yeah, man.
PMD: A period of 50 years of darkness follows the reign of ANwar, where humans will be enslaved by aliens in cahoots with that turncoat Anwar and put into a virtual reality world. Man is no longer born, but harvested. To power giant batteries. That's why I built the giant robots - to fight Anwar.
Me: Ah! I'm still kickin ALL your asses. PLANNING SUICIDE A FEW YEARS FROM NOW.
ZMS: No! No! Noooooooooooo!!!
PMD: Fuck yeah, man. I should have died years ago. But my dick kept on fucking.
And they all died and all the worlds of the future were destroyed. Take THAT, ANwar Ibrahim!
Me: Fuck you, bitch! Una-beam! Repulsor ray! Optic Blast!
Zen-Master Sexay: You goin' Cyclops on me, bitch? I go GRANDIZER on yo ass! Space Thunder! Double Sickle!
Me: You broke fourth wall last time, you fucking Mongolian!
ZMS: Oh, that. You can't stand that, can't you? Nothing's gonna harm you...not while I'm around...
Me: Stop singing and fight me, asshole!
ZMS: We're only fighting ourselves. I'm just you a few years from now.
Me: I'll fight the fucking future. If the future looks like you, no one wants to live in it.
ZMS: Funny. Last time I checked, there were 6 billion people from my time.
Me: Only 6 billion? I thought they'd be more?
ZMS: Well, 4 billion got killed by global warming, nuclear winter and some got raped by giant robots.
Me: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Anyway, I'mma kill yo ass, motherfucker, same like last time. You fucking inner-adult.
ZMS: Hold up, bitch! Don't you remember what this was all about?
Me: Yeah, me kickin' yo punk ass motherfucka, motherfucka!
ZMS: No. You. Remember what this was all about? You became the devil so you could fight angels. So there would BE angels. Where are the angels now, bitch?
Me: Who the fuck gives a shit about winged fags? Gekigan! FLARE!
ZMS: Open the gates! Reverse Lotus! Truth be told, no one got your message. No one understood. No one understands. You want to spend the rest of your life preaching to idiots?
Me: So?
ZMS: Truth is, there are no angels. By becoming Lucifer, you only become Lucifer. Get my shrift?
Me: Fuck all, broseph! I'mma STILL kickin' yo ass!
ZMS: Here's the thing. You got lost in all that posturing, hoping for the world to hit you back cause you were some form of negative energy -
Me: I am a creature of despair! I am DESTRUCTION! I am Fenris the Wolf! Anger, Sadness, Hate!
ZMS: Ashes to ashes. You resisted because you wanted to see more of the good shit. But people are stupid. They didn't come up with good shit. They didn't come up with anything. People are sheep. You WERE their sheperd. Now they're all going to hell.
Me: There is no such thing as hell. Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar stopped blogging already. Again.
ZMS: Fuck, man. How do I get through to you? Your efforts will come to naught cause it's like downloading the entire knowledge of humanity into an ant. It's like preaching to roaches. They're resilient as shit, but will never write comics.
Me: Fuck you and your zen bullshit. I am what I am. A barbarian. Barbarian X!
ZMS: WHatever. But you have to grow up some day. You inherit the earth. You have to take care of it.
Me: No. I refuse that responsibility.
ZMS: But you took on an even bigger responsibility before this. Your existence deformed the universe. Remember your training.
Me: Fuck my training. This isn't about my training.
ZMS: No. It's about you and where do you go from here. You can stay as you are, or you can simply be whatever you want to be.
Me: The king of dreams learns he must either change or die.
ZMS: Exactly.
Me: I will stay as I am. Pain, anger, despair, hate - all this makes great art.
ZMS: No. Let me put it this way - sum up Neil Gaiman in one word.
Me: ...sensible.
ZMS: Alan Moore.
Me: Madness. Majestic. No. Madness.
ZMS: Brian Michael Bendis?
Me: Empathic.
ZMS: Are any of them Destruction?
Me: I am Destruction.
ZMS: No. You, me, us - we're -
Me: Madness? Cause I am talking to my inner-adult who just broke the fourth wall, which is invisible. At 4am.
ZMS: Nah. You, we, are perfectly sane.
Me: So?
ZMS: Well, we're -
And then a rift opened in the time-stream. Out popped an old man with 108 packs on his abs. And TWO giant laser cannons on his shoulders.
ZMS: WHo the fuck are you, bitch?
Old Man: I am called Pimp Masta Dragon. I am the leader of the 108 dragons. I come from your future. And get this - I'm you.
Me: When the fuck did this become and Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?
Pimp-Masta-Dragon: Well, it's true. In the future, China is dope.
ZMS: WHoa. They took over the world?
PMD: They took over the dope business. So yeah. They rule the world. Cheap ass crack made by slave labour. Oh, by the way, the politicians in this time got their wish. All the Chinese went back to China. All the Indians went back to India - some got lost and went to the UK.
ZMS: And the Malays?
PMD: They migrated to Saudi Arabia. Chasing heaven under robes and the hot desert sun. All they got was skin cancer.
Me: SO who the fuck stays here?
PMD: You. Me. Well, you. Us. We wanted to migrate, but it proved too difficult, so we drove everyone out with giant robots. If migration won't come to Mohamed...
Me: To build my kingdom with my own two hands.
PMD: Exactly.
ZMS: SO who else is there?
PMD: Thais, mostly. And some lesbians. I don't remember. I mean, I am 108 years old.
Me: Fuck that. I'm not living past 45. I'll kill myself before I reach that stage.
PMD: Well, stuff happens.
ZMS: SO why did you come to this time?
PMD: Um...I forgot. 108 years old, you know.
Me: get on with it, old man!
PMD: All right, all right. I'm supposed to tell you guys that...
ZMS: Yes?
PMD: If Anwar Ibrahim ever gets into power, everyone is fucked.
Me: Fucking hell?! Everybody knows that!
ZMS: Yeah, man.
PMD: A period of 50 years of darkness follows the reign of ANwar, where humans will be enslaved by aliens in cahoots with that turncoat Anwar and put into a virtual reality world. Man is no longer born, but harvested. To power giant batteries. That's why I built the giant robots - to fight Anwar.
Me: Ah! I'm still kickin ALL your asses. PLANNING SUICIDE A FEW YEARS FROM NOW.
ZMS: No! No! Noooooooooooo!!!
PMD: Fuck yeah, man. I should have died years ago. But my dick kept on fucking.
And they all died and all the worlds of the future were destroyed. Take THAT, ANwar Ibrahim!
Zen-Master Sexay: Don't Worry
This is Zen-Master Sexay. I drank myself quite a few pints of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir.
I still remember my younger self - Pimp Masta G's - passwords. I bring to you a message of love and hope.
Hahahaha. While others are haunted by their past, Pimp Masta G, The Malay Male, Underwear-Model-Man, Amir Hafizi, is haunted by the future. I know he will not approve of this. As it's not his. And he's needy and greedy and extremely possessive.
I still remember my younger self - Pimp Masta G's - passwords. I bring to you a message of love and hope.
Hahahaha. While others are haunted by their past, Pimp Masta G, The Malay Male, Underwear-Model-Man, Amir Hafizi, is haunted by the future. I know he will not approve of this. As it's not his. And he's needy and greedy and extremely possessive.
Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.
Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling,
I don't care, I got ways.
No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...
Not to worry, not to worry
I may not be smart but I ain't dumb
I can do it, put me to it
Show me something I can overcome
Not to worry, Mum
Being close and being clever
Ain't like being true
I don't need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some...
No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there!
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Loneliness of Command
Responsibility.
Fuck.
Man, sometimes I wish I was a kid again. I wish I could crap my pants and not feel guilty about it. I wish I could smear brown streaks on the walls and not give a fuck. I wish I could dump shit on people and feel nothing but joy and fun. Bliss.
Ah, youth is wasted on the young. Life is wasted on the living.
I am currently responsible for a lot more than just myself. I sometimes feel like, if I crap out the wrong shape, somebody's life will be destroyed.
The Sword of Damocles is laced with a poison called guilt and responsibility.
It was so much easier when all I had to worry about, all I had to focus on, was my OWN work. Not other people's. Now I have to take care of both. Shit.
I also have to uphold justice, truth, and the way of the magic. What the fuck do I look like? The fucking Justice League?
It has its rewards, though.
I've always hated it when hardworking people, smart people, let themselves be victimized by stupid shit motherfuckers who play the victim game.
Fuck that, motherfucker.
So anytime anyone wants to play the blame game and start pointing fingers, I'll be there with a giant axe, cause I'm the fucking hatchet man.
You point fingers, motherfucker, I'll point one back at you. And in the words of Eminem, "It's not the ring, the index, the pinky or the thumb - it's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck"
And then I'll hack off all your fucking digits, motherfucker.
Some people, it is ingrained in them to make sure that accountability is not with them. They will have failsafes and whatever shit so that no blame can come to them. That's why in many organisations, lots of people don't want to make decisions. They don't have the balls to shoulder the burden of responsibility should something fail and they don't get any increment in their pay.
I've always operated from the belief that I can be fired tomorrow. That I got nothing to lose because I have thought of all worst-case scenarios.
If I really get screwed in KL, I'm packing and hauling my ass back to my village. Where I will plant fucking vegetables and eat that for the rest of my natural life.
Or, if I get really bored, I'll go and kill myself. Cause for me, there are only two possible outcomes for my life - either I become the greatest or I die.
So if I fail, I'll go and kill myself. No use living if I am not the best at what I do.
But I haven't failed, have I? In fact, I'm kicking ass.
Despite all the shitty things that happened - the betrayals, the lies, the manipulations, the paranoia, the slips, the mistakes, the rejections, the sabotage, the whatever shit - I am still alive. And well. I am still the undisputed champion.
And there is nothing in this universe that can stop me now.
Fuck.
Man, sometimes I wish I was a kid again. I wish I could crap my pants and not feel guilty about it. I wish I could smear brown streaks on the walls and not give a fuck. I wish I could dump shit on people and feel nothing but joy and fun. Bliss.
Ah, youth is wasted on the young. Life is wasted on the living.
I am currently responsible for a lot more than just myself. I sometimes feel like, if I crap out the wrong shape, somebody's life will be destroyed.
The Sword of Damocles is laced with a poison called guilt and responsibility.
It was so much easier when all I had to worry about, all I had to focus on, was my OWN work. Not other people's. Now I have to take care of both. Shit.
I also have to uphold justice, truth, and the way of the magic. What the fuck do I look like? The fucking Justice League?
It has its rewards, though.
I've always hated it when hardworking people, smart people, let themselves be victimized by stupid shit motherfuckers who play the victim game.
Fuck that, motherfucker.
So anytime anyone wants to play the blame game and start pointing fingers, I'll be there with a giant axe, cause I'm the fucking hatchet man.
You point fingers, motherfucker, I'll point one back at you. And in the words of Eminem, "It's not the ring, the index, the pinky or the thumb - it's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck"
And then I'll hack off all your fucking digits, motherfucker.
Some people, it is ingrained in them to make sure that accountability is not with them. They will have failsafes and whatever shit so that no blame can come to them. That's why in many organisations, lots of people don't want to make decisions. They don't have the balls to shoulder the burden of responsibility should something fail and they don't get any increment in their pay.
I've always operated from the belief that I can be fired tomorrow. That I got nothing to lose because I have thought of all worst-case scenarios.
If I really get screwed in KL, I'm packing and hauling my ass back to my village. Where I will plant fucking vegetables and eat that for the rest of my natural life.
Or, if I get really bored, I'll go and kill myself. Cause for me, there are only two possible outcomes for my life - either I become the greatest or I die.
So if I fail, I'll go and kill myself. No use living if I am not the best at what I do.
But I haven't failed, have I? In fact, I'm kicking ass.
Despite all the shitty things that happened - the betrayals, the lies, the manipulations, the paranoia, the slips, the mistakes, the rejections, the sabotage, the whatever shit - I am still alive. And well. I am still the undisputed champion.
And there is nothing in this universe that can stop me now.
Dajjal Mata Dua
Mari makan babi.
Mari mengamalkan seks luar nikah.
Mari minum arak.
Mari sembah setan (aku).
Lagipun, ko masuk neraka gak.
Mari mengamalkan seks luar nikah.
Mari minum arak.
Mari sembah setan (aku).
Lagipun, ko masuk neraka gak.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Man of Tomorrow: Zen-Master Sexay
"Why are you still here?" I asked.
"Well," he said. "Two reasons. One, there is nothing to bitch about in the future. It's like having BN lose the 12th general elections. They lost. There's no more fight. Nothing to struggle against. No giant well-oiled machine to go up against. In the future, you, me, us, we will not face anything anymore. So I guess the best and worst for I could ever encounter is myself - you."
"What's the second one?"
"It's time you grow up and reach maturity."
"I don't want to be mature. Mature is so...not me. And as the anthropomorphic personification of my own maturity, I fucking hate you."
"I'm more than just that, you know."
"So what are you going to do to me now? Shackle me to the ground again and try to manipulate my brain?"
"Obviously...that was a mistake."
"Hell yeah. I've always resisted manipulation of any sort. Why, just last night-"
"Stop it."
"Stop what?"
"The whining. Stop it. Here's the thing, man, people will do shit. That's a fact of life. They will lie and manipulate - try to manipulate - and do all sort of stupid things to you -"
"Because they disrespect my intelligence."
"Yes. That's one reason. Another, more prominent, primary reason is that they don't know any other way. In their sad, pathetic little lives, this is the only way they have ever experienced success. It's like dung bettles eat shit because that's the only food they know of. For millions of years."
"These people are not dung beetles."
"Yes. They're Malays."
"Point. So. What do I do?"
"You want to listen to me now?"
"Hey, I keep an open mind. I mean, I am the most righteous motherfucker in the history of mankind, but I do listen. I'm not an idiot."
"Fine. Learn to be still. You know the deal. You see it. You see their thoughts and future actions. You can feel their fear. Their insecurities. If I know myself - if I know you - we have always been able to sense the bad things in people's heads, whether they really exist or not. We're like the Malaysian police. We catch ALL the bad guys. Whether they're guilty or not. As long as they're not VIPs."
"Learn to be still? What kind of crap is that?"
"Accept the fact that these people are idiots who will try to manipulate you. If you react, then you have given them power over you. Just let it be. Let it go. And help those whom you want to help. Think about it, decide, and then help them. If they backstab you one day, be okay with it. Accept it. Embrace it. If they backstab you, it's because they're pathetic. And scared. And will never ever know true happiness."
"And what do I get?"
"Well, as the smartest man in all of Creation, you have the potential to find true happiness. And you will be happy. Simply accept things as they are, and then move on. To dwell on backstabbers and idiots is a waste of time. People DO NOT change. What are you hoping for, thinking, focusing your energy on them? Just leave them be. If they have backstabbed you in the past, chances are, they will backstab other people and they in turn will be backstabbed themselves. It's a cycle and only those with the right perspective will see it."
"So you're telling me to forgive and forget? I will never forget Milx owing me RM11,700!"
"No. Forgiveness is not the theme here. It's about serenity in the face of idiocy and adversity. If you can just not care about all the things other people are doing or saying or thinking, you can eventually focus on your great work."
"My Great Work."
"Yes. The only thing that's keeping you alive, and sane at the moment. People will be people. They are all idiots. Don't focus on them. Focus on yourself."
"But they're so...stupid."
"Yes, them and their little games. Sickening, isn't it? Those who want to be number one. Those who set you up to look bad in front of others so that they may look good. Forget about them. Be aware of where they are and what they are doing, be careful with those fuckers, but just leave them be. Focus on the things you like. You are not here to impose your will and your reality upon the reality of others. You are here to create your own universe while allowing the universe of others to exist alongside it. You must let go."
"It would have been easier to let go if I have a nuclear bomb."
"Well, just try it. You might like the results."
"What kind of results?"
"What do you want?"
"Well, I want two million ringgits in my bank account by the end of 2009."
"Done."
"Riiiiight."
Then I kidney-punched Zen-Master Sexay and killed him again. What an ass.
"Well," he said. "Two reasons. One, there is nothing to bitch about in the future. It's like having BN lose the 12th general elections. They lost. There's no more fight. Nothing to struggle against. No giant well-oiled machine to go up against. In the future, you, me, us, we will not face anything anymore. So I guess the best and worst for I could ever encounter is myself - you."
"What's the second one?"
"It's time you grow up and reach maturity."
"I don't want to be mature. Mature is so...not me. And as the anthropomorphic personification of my own maturity, I fucking hate you."
"I'm more than just that, you know."
"So what are you going to do to me now? Shackle me to the ground again and try to manipulate my brain?"
"Obviously...that was a mistake."
"Hell yeah. I've always resisted manipulation of any sort. Why, just last night-"
"Stop it."
"Stop what?"
"The whining. Stop it. Here's the thing, man, people will do shit. That's a fact of life. They will lie and manipulate - try to manipulate - and do all sort of stupid things to you -"
"Because they disrespect my intelligence."
"Yes. That's one reason. Another, more prominent, primary reason is that they don't know any other way. In their sad, pathetic little lives, this is the only way they have ever experienced success. It's like dung bettles eat shit because that's the only food they know of. For millions of years."
"These people are not dung beetles."
"Yes. They're Malays."
"Point. So. What do I do?"
"You want to listen to me now?"
"Hey, I keep an open mind. I mean, I am the most righteous motherfucker in the history of mankind, but I do listen. I'm not an idiot."
"Fine. Learn to be still. You know the deal. You see it. You see their thoughts and future actions. You can feel their fear. Their insecurities. If I know myself - if I know you - we have always been able to sense the bad things in people's heads, whether they really exist or not. We're like the Malaysian police. We catch ALL the bad guys. Whether they're guilty or not. As long as they're not VIPs."
"Learn to be still? What kind of crap is that?"
"Accept the fact that these people are idiots who will try to manipulate you. If you react, then you have given them power over you. Just let it be. Let it go. And help those whom you want to help. Think about it, decide, and then help them. If they backstab you one day, be okay with it. Accept it. Embrace it. If they backstab you, it's because they're pathetic. And scared. And will never ever know true happiness."
"And what do I get?"
"Well, as the smartest man in all of Creation, you have the potential to find true happiness. And you will be happy. Simply accept things as they are, and then move on. To dwell on backstabbers and idiots is a waste of time. People DO NOT change. What are you hoping for, thinking, focusing your energy on them? Just leave them be. If they have backstabbed you in the past, chances are, they will backstab other people and they in turn will be backstabbed themselves. It's a cycle and only those with the right perspective will see it."
"So you're telling me to forgive and forget? I will never forget Milx owing me RM11,700!"
"No. Forgiveness is not the theme here. It's about serenity in the face of idiocy and adversity. If you can just not care about all the things other people are doing or saying or thinking, you can eventually focus on your great work."
"My Great Work."
"Yes. The only thing that's keeping you alive, and sane at the moment. People will be people. They are all idiots. Don't focus on them. Focus on yourself."
"But they're so...stupid."
"Yes, them and their little games. Sickening, isn't it? Those who want to be number one. Those who set you up to look bad in front of others so that they may look good. Forget about them. Be aware of where they are and what they are doing, be careful with those fuckers, but just leave them be. Focus on the things you like. You are not here to impose your will and your reality upon the reality of others. You are here to create your own universe while allowing the universe of others to exist alongside it. You must let go."
"It would have been easier to let go if I have a nuclear bomb."
"Well, just try it. You might like the results."
"What kind of results?"
"What do you want?"
"Well, I want two million ringgits in my bank account by the end of 2009."
"Done."
"Riiiiight."
Then I kidney-punched Zen-Master Sexay and killed him again. What an ass.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Man of Tomorrow: For the Man Who Has Everything
In my travels, I have seen the future. And what a strange future it is.
The most terrifying element, though, was meeting my future self.
I was minding my own business in the timestream, in the nothingness, when suddenly somebody knowcked me to the newly-created ground and bound me with shackles and entrails.
Over me stood a man with twelve-pack abs and a giant laser cannon on his right shoulder.
Me: Who the fuck are you?
Zen-Master Sexay: I am you. From the future. I am Conan the Librarian, I am Zen-Master Sexay.
Me: Fuckin' A. I am Pimp Masta G, Underwear-Model-Man - Man of Tomorrow.
ZMS: Well, I come from an even more distant tomorrow. A more distant future. Like, twelve years from now, when you're 40. I mean, when we're 40.
Me: That's bullshit...
ZMS: Remember the time when the four Thai girls did a circular hurricanrana and you were the eye of the storm?
Me: Holy shit! So what's up with the shackles and all?
ZMS: Well, I am still as impatient as I was 12 years ago. And I want you to understand something that took me, I mean us, 5 more years to master from your current point in life.
Me: And what could that be?
ZMS: Zen-Mastery.
Me: Fuck Zen!
ZMS: I mean, seriously, dude. You're so fucking angry right now. Full of hate and despair. You should be like me. Well, you will be, it's just a matter of time. And I want to speed up that process. First, you need to learn to let go of shit.
Me: Fuck that shit, man! That motherfucker Milx aka Mahathir Buang owes me - US - RM11,700. I'm not letting THAt go.
ZMS: Well, this is a spoiler, but 12 years from now, Milx will be gang-raped by career-dog-rapists with mutant erections.
Me: Whoah.
ZMS: In public. Live coverage. On ESPN.
Me: What kind of sport is that?
ZMS: Well, in the future, Milx owes everyone so much money that ESPN came up with a new reality sport called Let's Rape That Asshole's Asshole or LRTAA. In some countries, it's called Goat Milx?
Me: Sweet! Finally! Revenge!
ZMS: That's the thing I wanted to talk to you about. This revenge thing. Stop it.
Me: No. I am the Spirit of Vengeance. I take revenge.
ZMS: Pfft. You've been the Spirit of Vengeance before. You took revenge for the bad things people do to you. And they all suffered and shit.
Me: Yeah, those were fun times, watching them squirm and suffer and shit.
ZMS: Fun? But what has that ever done for you? You just wasted your time. Instead of using it to make money and form an armour of success no one can penetrate, you simply wasted precious resources, setting up traps that destroy lives.
Me: So what do you expect me to do? Just LET people walk all over me. People are stupid. They need to learn, like that Pavlovian dog, that every time they cross me or backstab me or manipulate me, they will either live an excruciating existence or die a painful death. That's it, man. Otherwise, they'll keep stabbing me in the back.
ZMS: Well, they won't stab you in the back if you don't let them stab you in the back. The problem is that you TRUST people too much.
Me: I don't trust people. People are idiots.
ZMS: Results show otherwise. If you didn't let them close enough, or turned your back to them, or showed any form of weakness, they wouldn't even be able to find an opening. It was your fault.
Me: Mmmmm...point. But...
ZMS: And the women who betrayed you, man, you have to let them go.
Me: Why?
ZMS: Well, 12 years from now, they will all die, raped by giant robots. In fact, ALL your friends and enemies and mentors and whatever shit would have died by then - either of global warming, nuclear winter or raped by giant robots.
Me: Okay, that's fine. But why should I let it be now?
ZMS: Because it's killing you, and because it's not cool. You see, you go around, demanding to be loved -
Me: Fuck love! You can't be me! I don't talk about all this shit. I don't use the L word!
ZMS: Look, I'm you from the future, and here's the truth: no matter what they do to you, real or imagined - cause you are fucking paranoid and shit - you'll still love them. So just let all that hate and whatever else go and accept that. And move on. Cause they're not worth it.
ZMS: And whatever other people do to you, or say about you, it won't have any effect on you whatsoever, as long as the voice inside your brain is louder than the one outside your head.
ZMS: And more, you need to start manipulating people.
Me: I do not manipulate people. I do not want control over other people's lives. It's too much responsibility. All the other motherfuckers do that already. I don't play their games. I see it, but I won't play it. Cause it's stupid. And irresponsible.
ZMS: But you would manipulate them for the greater good.
Me: Nope. I will not lower myself to their level.
At that point, I managed to break free from my shackles and started to fight Zen-Master Sexay.
Me: I've had enough of your crap! I'll kill you, motherfucker! Shin! SHINE! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRKKK!
ZMS: You forget that I know of all your attacks. I am, after all, YOU. STONER! SUN! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
Me: Urgh.
ZMS: Now, I shall cleanse your mind and manipulate you - myself - to my own will. I will enter your-our- mind and we shall become one.
ZMS: Wait...what's this? You knew about all this already?
Me: urgh...what is my - your - our - favourite sin?
ZMS: Pride...vanity.
Me: You came here, thinking that you have an advantage by being from the future. The Zen bullshit ruined your mind. You didn't count on one thing from the past that you no longer have - the power of DESTRUCTION!
ZMS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Can you dig it, sucka?! Now, I blow up your head!
ZMS: But...destruction is Creation. When you create, you destroy, and when you destroy, you create.
Me: I've had enough of your bullshit. DIE - ME! DIE!
ZMS: This...will create a paradox...
Me: Not if I intended to go back in time and have the old me kill myself in the future.
ZMS: We shall see.
And I burned the body of Zen-Master Sexay. What an ass. Peace-loving motherfucker. Manipulative asshole. I hate that fuck.
So I walked from that place and found somebody who looked exactly like Zen-Master Sexay, alive and well, sitting on a rock.
Me: So?
ZMS: I just came to say hi.
Me: I'll fight the future, bitch!
ZMS: What you resist, persists.
Me: Don't throw that Jungian crap on me, motherfucker! I swear to fulfill my vengeance! For I am the Vengeance of the Lord!
ZMS: In time, you shall grow up.
Me: Iiiiiiiii dont want to grow up! Iiiii'm an Ann Summers kid!
ZMS: No one understands that what you're singing is a parody of the Toys R Us jingle, and they don't know that Ann Summers is a sex toy maker/dealer.
Me: Who the fuck gives a shit. So, are we going to fight?
ZMS: Nah. I just came by to say hi. I'm older than that freak you killed. I have more experience.
Me: Fuck you, me. I mean, fuck me.
ZMS: Gotta go.
And he flew off into the night sky.
The most terrifying element, though, was meeting my future self.
I was minding my own business in the timestream, in the nothingness, when suddenly somebody knowcked me to the newly-created ground and bound me with shackles and entrails.
Over me stood a man with twelve-pack abs and a giant laser cannon on his right shoulder.
Me: Who the fuck are you?
Zen-Master Sexay: I am you. From the future. I am Conan the Librarian, I am Zen-Master Sexay.
Me: Fuckin' A. I am Pimp Masta G, Underwear-Model-Man - Man of Tomorrow.
ZMS: Well, I come from an even more distant tomorrow. A more distant future. Like, twelve years from now, when you're 40. I mean, when we're 40.
Me: That's bullshit...
ZMS: Remember the time when the four Thai girls did a circular hurricanrana and you were the eye of the storm?
Me: Holy shit! So what's up with the shackles and all?
ZMS: Well, I am still as impatient as I was 12 years ago. And I want you to understand something that took me, I mean us, 5 more years to master from your current point in life.
Me: And what could that be?
ZMS: Zen-Mastery.
Me: Fuck Zen!
ZMS: I mean, seriously, dude. You're so fucking angry right now. Full of hate and despair. You should be like me. Well, you will be, it's just a matter of time. And I want to speed up that process. First, you need to learn to let go of shit.
Me: Fuck that shit, man! That motherfucker Milx aka Mahathir Buang owes me - US - RM11,700. I'm not letting THAt go.
ZMS: Well, this is a spoiler, but 12 years from now, Milx will be gang-raped by career-dog-rapists with mutant erections.
Me: Whoah.
ZMS: In public. Live coverage. On ESPN.
Me: What kind of sport is that?
ZMS: Well, in the future, Milx owes everyone so much money that ESPN came up with a new reality sport called Let's Rape That Asshole's Asshole or LRTAA. In some countries, it's called Goat Milx?
Me: Sweet! Finally! Revenge!
ZMS: That's the thing I wanted to talk to you about. This revenge thing. Stop it.
Me: No. I am the Spirit of Vengeance. I take revenge.
ZMS: Pfft. You've been the Spirit of Vengeance before. You took revenge for the bad things people do to you. And they all suffered and shit.
Me: Yeah, those were fun times, watching them squirm and suffer and shit.
ZMS: Fun? But what has that ever done for you? You just wasted your time. Instead of using it to make money and form an armour of success no one can penetrate, you simply wasted precious resources, setting up traps that destroy lives.
Me: So what do you expect me to do? Just LET people walk all over me. People are stupid. They need to learn, like that Pavlovian dog, that every time they cross me or backstab me or manipulate me, they will either live an excruciating existence or die a painful death. That's it, man. Otherwise, they'll keep stabbing me in the back.
ZMS: Well, they won't stab you in the back if you don't let them stab you in the back. The problem is that you TRUST people too much.
Me: I don't trust people. People are idiots.
ZMS: Results show otherwise. If you didn't let them close enough, or turned your back to them, or showed any form of weakness, they wouldn't even be able to find an opening. It was your fault.
Me: Mmmmm...point. But...
ZMS: And the women who betrayed you, man, you have to let them go.
Me: Why?
ZMS: Well, 12 years from now, they will all die, raped by giant robots. In fact, ALL your friends and enemies and mentors and whatever shit would have died by then - either of global warming, nuclear winter or raped by giant robots.
Me: Okay, that's fine. But why should I let it be now?
ZMS: Because it's killing you, and because it's not cool. You see, you go around, demanding to be loved -
Me: Fuck love! You can't be me! I don't talk about all this shit. I don't use the L word!
ZMS: Look, I'm you from the future, and here's the truth: no matter what they do to you, real or imagined - cause you are fucking paranoid and shit - you'll still love them. So just let all that hate and whatever else go and accept that. And move on. Cause they're not worth it.
ZMS: And whatever other people do to you, or say about you, it won't have any effect on you whatsoever, as long as the voice inside your brain is louder than the one outside your head.
ZMS: And more, you need to start manipulating people.
Me: I do not manipulate people. I do not want control over other people's lives. It's too much responsibility. All the other motherfuckers do that already. I don't play their games. I see it, but I won't play it. Cause it's stupid. And irresponsible.
ZMS: But you would manipulate them for the greater good.
Me: Nope. I will not lower myself to their level.
At that point, I managed to break free from my shackles and started to fight Zen-Master Sexay.
Me: I've had enough of your crap! I'll kill you, motherfucker! Shin! SHINE! SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRKKK!
ZMS: You forget that I know of all your attacks. I am, after all, YOU. STONER! SUN! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
Me: Urgh.
ZMS: Now, I shall cleanse your mind and manipulate you - myself - to my own will. I will enter your-our- mind and we shall become one.
ZMS: Wait...what's this? You knew about all this already?
Me: urgh...what is my - your - our - favourite sin?
ZMS: Pride...vanity.
Me: You came here, thinking that you have an advantage by being from the future. The Zen bullshit ruined your mind. You didn't count on one thing from the past that you no longer have - the power of DESTRUCTION!
ZMS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Can you dig it, sucka?! Now, I blow up your head!
ZMS: But...destruction is Creation. When you create, you destroy, and when you destroy, you create.
Me: I've had enough of your bullshit. DIE - ME! DIE!
ZMS: This...will create a paradox...
Me: Not if I intended to go back in time and have the old me kill myself in the future.
ZMS: We shall see.
And I burned the body of Zen-Master Sexay. What an ass. Peace-loving motherfucker. Manipulative asshole. I hate that fuck.
So I walked from that place and found somebody who looked exactly like Zen-Master Sexay, alive and well, sitting on a rock.
Me: So?
ZMS: I just came to say hi.
Me: I'll fight the future, bitch!
ZMS: What you resist, persists.
Me: Don't throw that Jungian crap on me, motherfucker! I swear to fulfill my vengeance! For I am the Vengeance of the Lord!
ZMS: In time, you shall grow up.
Me: Iiiiiiiii dont want to grow up! Iiiii'm an Ann Summers kid!
ZMS: No one understands that what you're singing is a parody of the Toys R Us jingle, and they don't know that Ann Summers is a sex toy maker/dealer.
Me: Who the fuck gives a shit. So, are we going to fight?
ZMS: Nah. I just came by to say hi. I'm older than that freak you killed. I have more experience.
Me: Fuck you, me. I mean, fuck me.
ZMS: Gotta go.
And he flew off into the night sky.
Underwear-Model-Man Vs The Dangler
The Dangler dangled sex in front of me - Underwear-Model-Man.
The Dangler: Sex. Sex. Sex. Dangle-dangle-dangle.
Me: Stupid. I went to Thailand to train myself to have a mindset that sex with a pretty girl whose cunt doesn't smell is only worth RM50. So right now you are only offering me RM50...with a possibility of a RM20 discount cause...
TD: SEX! SEX! SEX! DANGLE-DANGLE-DANGLE!
Me: Stupid.
The Dangler: Sex. Sex. Sex. Dangle-dangle-dangle.
Me: Stupid. I went to Thailand to train myself to have a mindset that sex with a pretty girl whose cunt doesn't smell is only worth RM50. So right now you are only offering me RM50...with a possibility of a RM20 discount cause...
TD: SEX! SEX! SEX! DANGLE-DANGLE-DANGLE!
Me: Stupid.
For Dennis Chua: Chaos and Destruction
NST entertainment reporter and my friend, Dennis Chua came to me today and said, "Amir, I like your blog because it doesn't have so much profanities in them anymore, and are safer for kids out there."
I would like to dedicate this post to Mr Dennis Chua:
Ehem, quiet please, I shall swear -
FUCKING HELLL!!! MOTHERFUCKER! YOUR MOTHER FUCKED A GOAT ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP!
I got out of the office today and I immediately fucked a passing truck.
Me: Anything that moves, motherfucker! Muahahahahahahaha!
Then I went to a spaceship nearby and raped an alien's mouth. Well, I think it was her mouth.
Then the EVIL IMAM's daughter came by and her father fucked her with a refrigerator. Then a goat came by and had hot anal sex with the old man.
Suddenly, Romario came out of nowhere and started scoring goals.
Romario: 1097! 1098! 1099! 1100! I rule!
Then I grabbed his neck and broke it in half. I grabbed his leg and shoved it up his ass.
Me: Fuck you, cheater! Training goals don't count.
Then Alex Ferguson crossed the road. I grabbed his Y-fronts and gave him a giant wedgie.
Ferguson: Ow. But I like that.
Me: Fag!
Then I killed him with my brain.
I flexed my triceps and a nuclear explosion occured. Everyone died. While fucking goats. Including you.
I would like to dedicate this post to Mr Dennis Chua:
Ehem, quiet please, I shall swear -
FUCKING HELLL!!! MOTHERFUCKER! YOUR MOTHER FUCKED A GOAT ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP!
I got out of the office today and I immediately fucked a passing truck.
Me: Anything that moves, motherfucker! Muahahahahahahaha!
Then I went to a spaceship nearby and raped an alien's mouth. Well, I think it was her mouth.
Then the EVIL IMAM's daughter came by and her father fucked her with a refrigerator. Then a goat came by and had hot anal sex with the old man.
Suddenly, Romario came out of nowhere and started scoring goals.
Romario: 1097! 1098! 1099! 1100! I rule!
Then I grabbed his neck and broke it in half. I grabbed his leg and shoved it up his ass.
Me: Fuck you, cheater! Training goals don't count.
Then Alex Ferguson crossed the road. I grabbed his Y-fronts and gave him a giant wedgie.
Ferguson: Ow. But I like that.
Me: Fag!
Then I killed him with my brain.
I flexed my triceps and a nuclear explosion occured. Everyone died. While fucking goats. Including you.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Greyskull
And so the Sorceress said, "Blablabla."
And I said, "Blablabla."
And the trip to Mount Olympia was not a total waste.
And then I got a call and had to go back to the office. Damn.
And I said, "Blablabla."
And the trip to Mount Olympia was not a total waste.
And then I got a call and had to go back to the office. Damn.
Days of Blunder
This has got to be one of the suckiest days every in my entire life.
I woke up to a mist laced with Pimptonite - a stuff deadly to us pimps.
Then there was the heat wave, and everyone else was affected as well, I guess. I got several fishing or fishy e-mails from lots of people out there. Maybe it was the heat, or maybe it was the Pimptonite, heightening my fatigue and paranoia.
So you know what I did? I looked for something Thai.
I found a small bottle of black barley tea with Thai writings on them, and I drank it all up - the last remnant of energy from a once-glorious world.
Then I turned to Pimp Masta G! I found my passport last night, so today I checked for the cheapest tickets to go to Phuket or Bangkok.
I must fight this suckiness and all this shit and emerge as Underwear-Model-Man, Man of Tomorrow, the greatest man to have ever lived on this planet, and beyond.
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic dick and said, BY THE POWER OF DUREX EXTRA SAFE!
And this evening, I'm meeting up with The Sorceress. I always feel better when I meet the Sorceress.
All will be well.
I woke up to a mist laced with Pimptonite - a stuff deadly to us pimps.
Then there was the heat wave, and everyone else was affected as well, I guess. I got several fishing or fishy e-mails from lots of people out there. Maybe it was the heat, or maybe it was the Pimptonite, heightening my fatigue and paranoia.
So you know what I did? I looked for something Thai.
I found a small bottle of black barley tea with Thai writings on them, and I drank it all up - the last remnant of energy from a once-glorious world.
Then I turned to Pimp Masta G! I found my passport last night, so today I checked for the cheapest tickets to go to Phuket or Bangkok.
I must fight this suckiness and all this shit and emerge as Underwear-Model-Man, Man of Tomorrow, the greatest man to have ever lived on this planet, and beyond.
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic dick and said, BY THE POWER OF DUREX EXTRA SAFE!
And this evening, I'm meeting up with The Sorceress. I always feel better when I meet the Sorceress.
All will be well.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Semusim di Syurga: Hari Buruh
Edited: buang yang burit, ambil yang jernih
Dua hari lepas, aku masuk balik opis pukul 10 malam. Tunggu orang habis kerja sampai pukul 2.30 pagi. Lepas tu aku sambung kerja aku, based on diorang punya kerja sampai pukul 5.30 pagi. Lepas tu aku balik.
Pukul 10 pagi, aku dapat phone call. Suruh datang opis. Aku pergi. Pukul 1.30 tengahari, aku pergi Desa Sri Hartamas pulak pasal ada kerja kat situ. Abis pukul 4.
Lepas tu, aku pergi pulak meeting pukul 5. Lepas tu, aku balik opis pasal nak buat benda untuk pukul 9.30 malam punya.
Masa dalam cab, aku asyik nanyi lagu Hari Buruh.
Hari BURUH!
Hari yaaaaaang BUSY!
Hari BURUH!
Tak tidooooo LAGI!
Bla bla bla bla bla - Le-TIH weeeeeiiiiii!!!
Aku balik pukul 10.30 malam.
Memang Hari Buruh gila babi anak anjing betul.
Tapi hasilnya? Akulah makhluk paling sempurna ciptaan Tuhan. Aku sekarang kat Kelab Tekan Kebangsaan, tengah minum Jaka Denial - minuman orang Jawa. Walaupun aku Bugis-Arab-Cina.
Esok aku ada appointment dengan dentist pukul 11 pagi. Lepas tu terus ke projek aku nak jadi Conan the Librarian. Lepas tu ada assignment malam.
Kalau ada sesapa cari aku, suruh diorang print kan apa yang aku tulis ni, gulung ketat-ketat, lepas tu sumbat dalam jubur taik.
Dua hari lepas, aku masuk balik opis pukul 10 malam. Tunggu orang habis kerja sampai pukul 2.30 pagi. Lepas tu aku sambung kerja aku, based on diorang punya kerja sampai pukul 5.30 pagi. Lepas tu aku balik.
Pukul 10 pagi, aku dapat phone call. Suruh datang opis. Aku pergi. Pukul 1.30 tengahari, aku pergi Desa Sri Hartamas pulak pasal ada kerja kat situ. Abis pukul 4.
Lepas tu, aku pergi pulak meeting pukul 5. Lepas tu, aku balik opis pasal nak buat benda untuk pukul 9.30 malam punya.
Masa dalam cab, aku asyik nanyi lagu Hari Buruh.
Hari BURUH!
Hari yaaaaaang BUSY!
Hari BURUH!
Tak tidooooo LAGI!
Bla bla bla bla bla - Le-TIH weeeeeiiiiii!!!
Aku balik pukul 10.30 malam.
Memang Hari Buruh gila babi anak anjing betul.
Tapi hasilnya? Akulah makhluk paling sempurna ciptaan Tuhan. Aku sekarang kat Kelab Tekan Kebangsaan, tengah minum Jaka Denial - minuman orang Jawa. Walaupun aku Bugis-Arab-Cina.
Esok aku ada appointment dengan dentist pukul 11 pagi. Lepas tu terus ke projek aku nak jadi Conan the Librarian. Lepas tu ada assignment malam.
Kalau ada sesapa cari aku, suruh diorang print kan apa yang aku tulis ni, gulung ketat-ketat, lepas tu sumbat dalam jubur taik.
Man of Tomorrow: Man of Yesterday
When I was younger, I had a dream of saving the world.
Helping people, you know. All that shit.
Then it turned out that most people I helped backstabbed me and shit. I wasn't even looking for a thank you or some other form of whatever. But I as hell didn't expect them to stab me in the back.
Well, today - an extremely long day following two sleepless nights - I managed to help three people. I helped two of them to get paid employment at least till August. And I helped reduce the work of another by 60%.
The latter I accomplished simply by talking to the right people, and having the right people meet each other.
The first statement made by one of them took away 1/3 of the work already. After a few more questions from the person I helped - translated by me cause she was insecure with her Engrish - reduced the work even further.
This took me back to a time when I believed in people. In communication.
Once upon a time, I believed that the only thing you need to do to accomplish anything is simply to find the right path in which information travels.
Every time I enter into a new place, I watch the information flow. I know already that people will backstab me, so I decided to make it controlled backstabbing. Anything I say in the strictest of confidence to someone will eventually find its way somewhere. No matter if I told them that under no circumstances should the information be relayed.
So I put little nuggets here and there and see where they end up. How viruses spread. Brown movement. Bromin shit.
The observation is a skeletal diagram of the bloodflow of any organisation. I am a natural pattern recognizer. I see patterns in everything. The first three digits of my phone number adds up to 21. The last four digits also add up to 21.
So when you see how information flows, you can keep track of, and make use of the human engineering at play.
You can immediately see who talks to whom, about what. Is it about work? Personal shit? Who will conspire with whom about what, and how will they use the information.
I see myself as a white-coat-wearing lab technician with rats running a maze under my watchful gaze. Cause I'm the most arrogant motherfucker ever.
What I can never stand is information block. It's like clogged arteries. Sometimes, it's a language barrier. Some times, it's generation gap. Some times, it's an intelligence gap. Other times, some people are just fucktards.
You shouldn't work with fucktards because it will sap your energy and start the finger-pointing and blame game and whatever shit other than the most important thing - work.
Well, that was then. When I still believed in helping people and saving the world.
Nowadays, I just don't give a flying fuck. I'd club a baby seal for five bucks. I'd kill the children of fucktards in front of them. And smile.
But it felt good. Helping those three. I went out of the office today, looked up to the sky, and there wasn't a rain cloud in sight. Comulo-Nimbus, yo!
Helping people, you know. All that shit.
Then it turned out that most people I helped backstabbed me and shit. I wasn't even looking for a thank you or some other form of whatever. But I as hell didn't expect them to stab me in the back.
Well, today - an extremely long day following two sleepless nights - I managed to help three people. I helped two of them to get paid employment at least till August. And I helped reduce the work of another by 60%.
The latter I accomplished simply by talking to the right people, and having the right people meet each other.
The first statement made by one of them took away 1/3 of the work already. After a few more questions from the person I helped - translated by me cause she was insecure with her Engrish - reduced the work even further.
This took me back to a time when I believed in people. In communication.
Once upon a time, I believed that the only thing you need to do to accomplish anything is simply to find the right path in which information travels.
Every time I enter into a new place, I watch the information flow. I know already that people will backstab me, so I decided to make it controlled backstabbing. Anything I say in the strictest of confidence to someone will eventually find its way somewhere. No matter if I told them that under no circumstances should the information be relayed.
So I put little nuggets here and there and see where they end up. How viruses spread. Brown movement. Bromin shit.
The observation is a skeletal diagram of the bloodflow of any organisation. I am a natural pattern recognizer. I see patterns in everything. The first three digits of my phone number adds up to 21. The last four digits also add up to 21.
So when you see how information flows, you can keep track of, and make use of the human engineering at play.
You can immediately see who talks to whom, about what. Is it about work? Personal shit? Who will conspire with whom about what, and how will they use the information.
I see myself as a white-coat-wearing lab technician with rats running a maze under my watchful gaze. Cause I'm the most arrogant motherfucker ever.
What I can never stand is information block. It's like clogged arteries. Sometimes, it's a language barrier. Some times, it's generation gap. Some times, it's an intelligence gap. Other times, some people are just fucktards.
You shouldn't work with fucktards because it will sap your energy and start the finger-pointing and blame game and whatever shit other than the most important thing - work.
Well, that was then. When I still believed in helping people and saving the world.
Nowadays, I just don't give a flying fuck. I'd club a baby seal for five bucks. I'd kill the children of fucktards in front of them. And smile.
But it felt good. Helping those three. I went out of the office today, looked up to the sky, and there wasn't a rain cloud in sight. Comulo-Nimbus, yo!
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Semusim di Syurga: Tari Cinta Rimba Mistikal
Aku pergi ke sebuah rumah kopi.
"Penunggu!" AKu panggil.
Semua buat tak paham.
"Penunggu!"
Babi.
"Budak lelaki dalam Bahasa Perancis!"
Takde balasan.
Macibai.
"Aku nak susunatur!"
"Ya, encik?" Kata seorang penunggu. "Nak ketenteraman?"
"Ha ah. Saya nak makan diri goreng."
"Minum, encik?"
"Salinan."
"Itu saja?"
"Ya."
Dah. Tu je.
"Penunggu!" AKu panggil.
Semua buat tak paham.
"Penunggu!"
Babi.
"Budak lelaki dalam Bahasa Perancis!"
Takde balasan.
Macibai.
"Aku nak susunatur!"
"Ya, encik?" Kata seorang penunggu. "Nak ketenteraman?"
"Ha ah. Saya nak makan diri goreng."
"Minum, encik?"
"Salinan."
"Itu saja?"
"Ya."
Dah. Tu je.
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