Saturday, May 2, 2009

Wheel of Fortune

Some people asked me, "Are you sick?"

And I was like, "Ummm...yeah?"

And they were like, "No no know what I mean."

No one knew. I was stressed out since last year. Last year was a bad one. You don't wanna know. I was making more money than the previous years. But, you know, it's not everything.

I got lost when old friends left or turned to enemies.

Funny thing. A few years ago, I kept preaching to my friends that this cunt-ry is gone. It's doomed. Blah blah blah.

I can be very convincing if the cause is something I believe in. But it was more or less preaching to the choir.

So we, all of us, we started trying to get out of the cunt-ry.

I got shortlisted twice for jobs abroad. Switzerland and Germany. I even started learning French and German.

I was going to run before the shit hits the fan.

I said to myself, "I can never live here, in all this bullshit. All the racist Chinese and Indians and Malays. And manipulators and fucking conmen. And fucking politicians! POLITICIANS!"

But...I said no. Push comes to shove, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't leave this shit-hole. Motherfucker!

My father got sick a bit last year. I used that as an excuse. But I didn't want to leave.

My job's not done, man. There are still shit I needed to do.

But my friends all left.

So I'm all alone, man.

Just me and the cunt-ry.

Just me, baby.

And then there were decent people who turned to the dork side. I don't even wanna start on that.

So I'm still here.

I'm not running away. What do I look like, RPK?

I may be a lot of things, but last time I and some Thai hos checked, I still got my balls. What else can the world do to me? Failure? I have failed more than the next guy. I come from a long line of failures. We just don't give a shit.

Humiliation? I have humiliated and embarrassed myself more than anyone can. Rejection? I got rejected five times. FIVE! Which is around 45 LESS than Tapai. Hahaha! What a loser!

What can I lose, when I don't have jack shit anyway? I even lost myself.

Until very recently, I lost a lot of myself. Whenever a friend leaves for shit, I lose a bit more.

However...everything is a cycle. Things change. Last year and the first part of this year was my emo cycle. I needed to go through that in order to go back to the top of the wheel.

Took me a long time to figure out shit I wanted to do.

I don't really have a plan. Cause I know relying on plans can sometimes lead you astray. I just took things as they come.

Will things work out?


Nobody knows that.

I know just one thing - instead of worrying about things, I'm just gonna enjoy it.

So suck my balls.