People do everything in this world out of fear.
Religion understands that. That's why most religions - the successful trillion-dollar ones - scare the bejeezus of people with the threat of eternal suffering.
People are afraid of being irrelevant, of being pushed out of the evolutionary pool, so they do everything they can. They play games.
And "there are many ways to lose the oldest game," wrote Neil Gaiman, Chaos be Upon Him, "Failure of nerve, hesitation… Being unable to shift into a defensive shape. Lack of imagination."
And the main motivator, the prime mover, is fear.
In the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, there is something called the Absolute Terror field. Although used by giant robots to fight giant beings, what this AT field is simply the boundaries which create individuality and personality and everything else. It is a tiny psionic membrane that keeps each others' thoughts and awareness from polluting one another.
It has been theorized that everything is connected. That we're just one big happy, sloppy organism/eXistanZ(capital X, capital Z). And it is this field, this membrance, this fence that keeps everyone from being one lump of ectoplasmic goo.
Notice that it is terror that repels each and every one of us from each other. We then stay in different caves, huts or duplex apartments. Then, we devise borders on lands on which there were none. We create countries and then continents and then the UEFA Champions League.
That's on a macro scale.
On a micro-level, people still do EVERYTHING out of fear.
They go to work on time out of fear. They backstab other people out of fear. They ridicule other people out of fear. They make snide remarks and attempt to plant seeds of duplicity, deceit, doubt and whatever else, in order to gain an advantage against this Absolute Terror.
Worse than any other animal, humans are and will always be afraid.
They are afraid of getting old, so they kill all the young ones. They are afraid of looking stupid, so they make stupid smart things.
They are afraid of losing their imaginary number one spot, so they try to push everyone down.
They are afraid of everything and as such, will look to the strongest branch to hold on to. The strongest person, to be used as a shield.
Some people become really fearsome and domineering, simply because they are afraid of losing some measly muesli bars or the feigned respect of peers/liars/ass-kissers or whatever it is they're protecting.
All this for one simple thing - fear. Terror. Absolute Terror. And it doesn't matter how much you deny it. I can see it in your eyes. I can sense it. The fear is always there. If you do not have fear, you are not human.
My primary aim in life is to break free from this reign of terror fear has on everyone. I aim to be better. Not so much as to gloat, which I will always do anyway, despite the facts being in my favour or not.
Nope. I believe that it is my duty to break the chokehold of fear and put something else as my primum mobile. My prime mover. My motivation.
I have always believed that if I face ALL my fears to its final, irreversible conclusions, I will one day run out of things to be afraid of.
Or maybe I could just die, which would work tremendously.
Yeah, that's it. The only cure for fear is Death. So take death, a few packs a day or a few tablets.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Things Currently Inside My Head
Well, first of all, there's that latin saying:
Vi vagina veniversum vivus vici.
It means: I, by the power of the vagina, while living, have conquered the universe.
And then there's Robocop.
Robocop has these four directives, right:
1. Serve the public trust
2. Protect the innocent
3. Uphold the law
4. (Classified)
Let's not even go one by one. But let's just look at number 2.
Protect the innocent.
Man, this is stupid. I mean, how in the blue hell could a machine recognize who is 'innocent' and how do you protect them?
This would mean billions, if not trillions of lines of coding. I'm a computer programmer by training, and the programming lines could look something like this:
IF subject = VK Linggam
Shoot
ELSE IF subject = Pak Lah
Shoot
ELSE IF subject = KJ
Shoot
ELSE IF subject = Dr M
Run away
End
And imagine all the includes and objects and classes and cross-references! It's crazy!
Maybe that's why they decided to use a human brain to carry out all the computations, hmm?
Which brings me to the question - why aren't we using fibre-optics-based processors?
I mean, the fastest thing ever is light. So it would make much more sense to construct processors using beams of light instead of current, which has to travel through semiconductors and lose speed as well as generate heat.
This is not a new opinion, but the scientists are so goddamned slow in coming up with a commercially viable model. Or they're probably trying to clear stocks first.
And then, inside my head right now is my need to crap. I believe that this would be a foot-long expulsion as I had a very satisfying dinner last night. Followed by a bottle of Pinot Noir.
And on that thought, I take my leave.
See you later.
Vi vagina veniversum vivus vici.
It means: I, by the power of the vagina, while living, have conquered the universe.
And then there's Robocop.
Robocop has these four directives, right:
1. Serve the public trust
2. Protect the innocent
3. Uphold the law
4. (Classified)
Let's not even go one by one. But let's just look at number 2.
Protect the innocent.
Man, this is stupid. I mean, how in the blue hell could a machine recognize who is 'innocent' and how do you protect them?
This would mean billions, if not trillions of lines of coding. I'm a computer programmer by training, and the programming lines could look something like this:
IF subject = VK Linggam
Shoot
ELSE IF subject = Pak Lah
Shoot
ELSE IF subject = KJ
Shoot
ELSE IF subject = Dr M
Run away
End
And imagine all the includes and objects and classes and cross-references! It's crazy!
Maybe that's why they decided to use a human brain to carry out all the computations, hmm?
Which brings me to the question - why aren't we using fibre-optics-based processors?
I mean, the fastest thing ever is light. So it would make much more sense to construct processors using beams of light instead of current, which has to travel through semiconductors and lose speed as well as generate heat.
This is not a new opinion, but the scientists are so goddamned slow in coming up with a commercially viable model. Or they're probably trying to clear stocks first.
And then, inside my head right now is my need to crap. I believe that this would be a foot-long expulsion as I had a very satisfying dinner last night. Followed by a bottle of Pinot Noir.
And on that thought, I take my leave.
See you later.
Semusim Di Syurga: Amadeus
Aku sememangnya Amadeus - dikasihi Tuhan.
Semasa umur aku 23 tahun, aku membuat senarai apa yang aku inginkan dalam hidup. Lebih kurang macam ni:
1. Nak jadi penulis. Dalam erti kata lain, aku ingin dibayar untuk penulisan aku.
2. Aku nak buat komik.
3. Aku nak buat filem.
4. Aku nak buat siri TV.
5. AKu nak beromen dengan empat orang perempuan lawa sekaligus.
6. Aku nak tulis novel.
7. Aku nak naik kapalterbang (tak pernah sebelum tu. Aku teringin sangat nak rasa karipap MAS - dan ini bukan analogi untuk pantat, ya)
Semua yang aku nak, semua aku dapat - lima tahun lepas tu. Sesetengahnya senang. Yang lain, gila babi susah nak buat. Rasa cam nak nangis, keluar air mata darah pun ada.
Jadi, sekarang aku nak buat senarai baru pulak.
1. Aku nak RM2 juta dalam akaun bank aku pada penghujung 2009.
2. AKu nak RM30 juta dalam akaun bank aku pada penghujung 2010.
3. AKu nak menang Academy Awards sebelum 2015.
4. Aku nak berhijrah (Muhajirin dan Ansar bersatu!) ke negara lain sebelum 2015.
5. Natalie Portman.
6. Stewardess.
7. Aku nak jadi Underwear Model. Yang dibayar. Bukan yang kena upload kat YouTube atau XTube - youtube porno.
8. Aku nak Vertigo (DC) publish komik aku.
9. Aku nak beli apartment bernilai RM7 juta dekat KLCC. Ada swimming pool kat dalam, woo!
10. Aku nak Volkswagen Touareg. Dengan drebar perempuan yang hanya pakai bikini sahaja.
11. Aku nak bawak kapalterbang.
12. Aku nak belajar (dan lepas) Jujitsu, Muay Thai, Capoiera dan Gun-Fu (menembak. AKu boleh tembak shotgun dengan pistol sekarang. Nak pergi belajar assault rifle.)
13. Aku nak main piano, lagu Yoko Kanno.
14. Aku nak naik kuda.
15. Natalie Portman.
16. Aku nak makan Philly Cheesesteak, kat Philadelphia. Cheez Whiz, yo!
17. Aku nak jumpa Neil Gaiman.
18. Natalie Portman.
19. Aku nak masuk Oprah Winfrey Show, pastu lompat-lompat atas couch.
20. Aku nak siri Lost, Heroes, Boston Legal, House dan CSI: Crime Scene Investigations diberikan kepada aku untuk menulis skripnya.
21. Natalie Portman.
22. Aku nak ikan jerung dengan laser kat atas kepalanya.
23. Lima.
Semasa umur aku 23 tahun, aku membuat senarai apa yang aku inginkan dalam hidup. Lebih kurang macam ni:
1. Nak jadi penulis. Dalam erti kata lain, aku ingin dibayar untuk penulisan aku.
2. Aku nak buat komik.
3. Aku nak buat filem.
4. Aku nak buat siri TV.
5. AKu nak beromen dengan empat orang perempuan lawa sekaligus.
6. Aku nak tulis novel.
7. Aku nak naik kapalterbang (tak pernah sebelum tu. Aku teringin sangat nak rasa karipap MAS - dan ini bukan analogi untuk pantat, ya)
Semua yang aku nak, semua aku dapat - lima tahun lepas tu. Sesetengahnya senang. Yang lain, gila babi susah nak buat. Rasa cam nak nangis, keluar air mata darah pun ada.
Jadi, sekarang aku nak buat senarai baru pulak.
1. Aku nak RM2 juta dalam akaun bank aku pada penghujung 2009.
2. AKu nak RM30 juta dalam akaun bank aku pada penghujung 2010.
3. AKu nak menang Academy Awards sebelum 2015.
4. Aku nak berhijrah (Muhajirin dan Ansar bersatu!) ke negara lain sebelum 2015.
5. Natalie Portman.
6. Stewardess.
7. Aku nak jadi Underwear Model. Yang dibayar. Bukan yang kena upload kat YouTube atau XTube - youtube porno.
8. Aku nak Vertigo (DC) publish komik aku.
9. Aku nak beli apartment bernilai RM7 juta dekat KLCC. Ada swimming pool kat dalam, woo!
10. Aku nak Volkswagen Touareg. Dengan drebar perempuan yang hanya pakai bikini sahaja.
11. Aku nak bawak kapalterbang.
12. Aku nak belajar (dan lepas) Jujitsu, Muay Thai, Capoiera dan Gun-Fu (menembak. AKu boleh tembak shotgun dengan pistol sekarang. Nak pergi belajar assault rifle.)
13. Aku nak main piano, lagu Yoko Kanno.
14. Aku nak naik kuda.
15. Natalie Portman.
16. Aku nak makan Philly Cheesesteak, kat Philadelphia. Cheez Whiz, yo!
17. Aku nak jumpa Neil Gaiman.
18. Natalie Portman.
19. Aku nak masuk Oprah Winfrey Show, pastu lompat-lompat atas couch.
20. Aku nak siri Lost, Heroes, Boston Legal, House dan CSI: Crime Scene Investigations diberikan kepada aku untuk menulis skripnya.
21. Natalie Portman.
22. Aku nak ikan jerung dengan laser kat atas kepalanya.
23. Lima.
Semusim Di Syurga: Mustapha
Aku kena tukar gear sekejap. Kena tulis dalam Bahasa Malaysia. Nak warm-up.
Dalam dua tiga hari ni, ada dua orang yang tak kenal antara satu sama lain yang dengan selambanya buat ramalan yang aku akhirnya akan jadi pendakwah Islam macam Yusof whatever.
Kawan: Aku rasa nanti, bila ko dah tua, ko akan jadi religious.
Katanya. Sambil dia minum wain.
Aku: Bughit. Apasal pulak aku nak jadi religious?
Kawan: Entah. AKu rasa, bila kau tua nanti, kau akan berpaling ke agama.
Aku: Gila. Pasal apa? Pasal nak masuk syurga? Ko ingat aku nak bodek Tuhan la ya? Nak sembahyang, supaya Tuhan dapat energy boost? Dapat Manna? Dapat Gil?
Sebelum tu, ada seorang lagi cakap kat aku.
Orang: Sekarang kau mungkin tak terasa, tapi nanti bila kau dah masuk 40, mesti rasa macam nak mendekatkan diri pada Tuhan.
Aku: Apa pasal nak mendekatkan diri pada Tuhan pulak? Tuhan bukan Omnipresent ke? Dia wujud sekitar kita. Nak dekat camana? Kena naik PLUS highway ke? Naik kapalterbang? Kalau aku pergi Mekah, aku lagi dekat dengan Tuhan ke? Rembau? Kuala Lipis?
Suka hati je.
Sekurang-kurangnya, takdelah nak labelkan aku sebagai murtad.
Aku bukan tak percayakan Tuhan. Percaya. Hidup aku best gila dan bakal dapat beromen dengan stewardess ni pasal Tuhan la kasi kat aku.
Tapi aku tak percayakan Harussani. Dan orang-orang macam tu. Aku tak percayakan Sisters in Islam. Dan orang-orang yang lebih teruk dari tu.
Aku tak percaya langsung kat mamat-mamat dan minah-minah yang sanggup pisahkan Revathi dari anak dia, penjarakan perempuan tu, lepas tu aniaya laki dia. Islam kepala bapak ko macam tu? Tuhan suruh ke?
AKu tak percaya pada mamat-mamat yang cakap Tuhan suruh kita bawak kapalterbang lepas tu langgar KLCC. Aku tak percaya yang Tuhan suruh kita letak C-4 Explosives kat kereta lepas tu bunuh Yahudi.
Aku tak percaya yang Tuhan tak suka gila kat Yahudi lepas tu punyalah Maha Pemalas tak bunuh je semua Yahudi. Suruh orang lain pulak buat.
Aku tak percaya yang Tuhan tu racist.
AKu tak percaya yang Tuhan tu punyalah Maha Insecure, dia suruh bunuh orang yang sembah Tuhan lain yang entah betul entah tidak.
Aku tak percaya Tuhan ialah seorang peminat fesyen Arab.
Aku tak percaya yang pukul bini tu dapat pahala. Kalau dia pukimak atau memang suka dipukul pasal masochist, lain cerita la.
Banyak benda yang aku tak percaya. Lebih-lebih lagi dari orang yang cuba nak putarbelitkan agama untuk kepentingan diri sendiri. Yang sanggup fitnah Tuhan, cakap Tuhan suruh jahit puki perempuan supaya nanti bila kahwin dapat tutuh jubur fresh. Ko ingat Tuhan peduli ke jubur ko fresh ke tak?
Tuhan tak perlukan ko atau aku. Kita yang perlukan Tuhan. Ko ingat kalau ko tak puasa, Tuhan mati kering ke? Kalau ada Yahudi, Tuhan takleh bernafas? Rentikanlah nak bodek Tuhan dengan menyeksa orang lain.
Dalam dua tiga hari ni, ada dua orang yang tak kenal antara satu sama lain yang dengan selambanya buat ramalan yang aku akhirnya akan jadi pendakwah Islam macam Yusof whatever.
Kawan: Aku rasa nanti, bila ko dah tua, ko akan jadi religious.
Katanya. Sambil dia minum wain.
Aku: Bughit. Apasal pulak aku nak jadi religious?
Kawan: Entah. AKu rasa, bila kau tua nanti, kau akan berpaling ke agama.
Aku: Gila. Pasal apa? Pasal nak masuk syurga? Ko ingat aku nak bodek Tuhan la ya? Nak sembahyang, supaya Tuhan dapat energy boost? Dapat Manna? Dapat Gil?
Sebelum tu, ada seorang lagi cakap kat aku.
Orang: Sekarang kau mungkin tak terasa, tapi nanti bila kau dah masuk 40, mesti rasa macam nak mendekatkan diri pada Tuhan.
Aku: Apa pasal nak mendekatkan diri pada Tuhan pulak? Tuhan bukan Omnipresent ke? Dia wujud sekitar kita. Nak dekat camana? Kena naik PLUS highway ke? Naik kapalterbang? Kalau aku pergi Mekah, aku lagi dekat dengan Tuhan ke? Rembau? Kuala Lipis?
Suka hati je.
Sekurang-kurangnya, takdelah nak labelkan aku sebagai murtad.
Aku bukan tak percayakan Tuhan. Percaya. Hidup aku best gila dan bakal dapat beromen dengan stewardess ni pasal Tuhan la kasi kat aku.
Tapi aku tak percayakan Harussani. Dan orang-orang macam tu. Aku tak percayakan Sisters in Islam. Dan orang-orang yang lebih teruk dari tu.
Aku tak percaya langsung kat mamat-mamat dan minah-minah yang sanggup pisahkan Revathi dari anak dia, penjarakan perempuan tu, lepas tu aniaya laki dia. Islam kepala bapak ko macam tu? Tuhan suruh ke?
AKu tak percaya pada mamat-mamat yang cakap Tuhan suruh kita bawak kapalterbang lepas tu langgar KLCC. Aku tak percaya yang Tuhan suruh kita letak C-4 Explosives kat kereta lepas tu bunuh Yahudi.
Aku tak percaya yang Tuhan tak suka gila kat Yahudi lepas tu punyalah Maha Pemalas tak bunuh je semua Yahudi. Suruh orang lain pulak buat.
Aku tak percaya yang Tuhan tu racist.
AKu tak percaya yang Tuhan tu punyalah Maha Insecure, dia suruh bunuh orang yang sembah Tuhan lain yang entah betul entah tidak.
Aku tak percaya Tuhan ialah seorang peminat fesyen Arab.
Aku tak percaya yang pukul bini tu dapat pahala. Kalau dia pukimak atau memang suka dipukul pasal masochist, lain cerita la.
Banyak benda yang aku tak percaya. Lebih-lebih lagi dari orang yang cuba nak putarbelitkan agama untuk kepentingan diri sendiri. Yang sanggup fitnah Tuhan, cakap Tuhan suruh jahit puki perempuan supaya nanti bila kahwin dapat tutuh jubur fresh. Ko ingat Tuhan peduli ke jubur ko fresh ke tak?
Tuhan tak perlukan ko atau aku. Kita yang perlukan Tuhan. Ko ingat kalau ko tak puasa, Tuhan mati kering ke? Kalau ada Yahudi, Tuhan takleh bernafas? Rentikanlah nak bodek Tuhan dengan menyeksa orang lain.
Ragnarok
Last Wesak Day, as Dr M was quitting UMNO, I was emulating Buddha.
Instead of sitting my ass under the Bodhi tree or Holy Fig or some shit, I sat my ass down under Yggdrasil - the World Tree.
The tree trembled and groaned as I was attempting some Zen shit. And then all these Norse Gods started killing each other. Even I had to bite and swallow Odin whole. Cause I'm Fenris and shit.
So I was like, "Holy shit, is it the end of times already?"
But then there was nothing, so I guess Armageddon came and passed.
Trying to get the taste of Odin from my mouth, I went into Sakae Sushi. I ate stuff like otako - baby octopi - and ebiko - shrimp roe and some other cheap-ass stuff.
Then I went into this stupid shit Zen state. And I karated the waiter.
Me: Karate-CHOP!
Waiter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Me: Fag.
Waiter: My arms! You karated my arms!
Me: What a cry-baby. Bill, please?
Waiter: Four red, six pink and two green. Plus ocha. Please pay at the counter. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It's bleeding and it won't stop!
Me: Judo-KICK! Jujitsu-THROW! ION Cannon! 64X Hit!
So I went back to the World Tree - Yggdrasil - and sat down again.
I felt a crazy calm. I see things as they were, as they are and how everything will be. And I am contented.
I can wait. Because I am Fenris the Wolf.
Instead of sitting my ass under the Bodhi tree or Holy Fig or some shit, I sat my ass down under Yggdrasil - the World Tree.
The tree trembled and groaned as I was attempting some Zen shit. And then all these Norse Gods started killing each other. Even I had to bite and swallow Odin whole. Cause I'm Fenris and shit.
So I was like, "Holy shit, is it the end of times already?"
But then there was nothing, so I guess Armageddon came and passed.
Trying to get the taste of Odin from my mouth, I went into Sakae Sushi. I ate stuff like otako - baby octopi - and ebiko - shrimp roe and some other cheap-ass stuff.
Then I went into this stupid shit Zen state. And I karated the waiter.
Me: Karate-CHOP!
Waiter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Me: Fag.
Waiter: My arms! You karated my arms!
Me: What a cry-baby. Bill, please?
Waiter: Four red, six pink and two green. Plus ocha. Please pay at the counter. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It's bleeding and it won't stop!
Me: Judo-KICK! Jujitsu-THROW! ION Cannon! 64X Hit!
So I went back to the World Tree - Yggdrasil - and sat down again.
I felt a crazy calm. I see things as they were, as they are and how everything will be. And I am contented.
I can wait. Because I am Fenris the Wolf.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Hubris
I am feeling rather smug today. When I have figured everything out. When I have figured everyone out. When I have that ultimate explanation at hand and that final solution.
And when I know that all I have to do is wait for the truth to come out - probably two years later - I feel happy. Contented. Smug.
And most importantly, I need to keep my mouth shut. And let the chips fall where they may. I really don't have to do anything.
Some people will say that I'm just being paranoid. Well, I do get confused sometimes. Maybe I'll turn into what they always said I was going to turn into - a maniac, a psycho-killer.
Buuutttt...results have always been on my side. When I said this and that about this or that, lots of people try valiantly to convince me that I was just being an asshole. They try to convince me that their version of things is correct. And the liars would never admit to lying. No matter how much you confront them.
Well, it always took two years for the truth to come out. For the FINAL results. The final revelations.
I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I KNOW I'm right.
And when I know that all I have to do is wait for the truth to come out - probably two years later - I feel happy. Contented. Smug.
And most importantly, I need to keep my mouth shut. And let the chips fall where they may. I really don't have to do anything.
Some people will say that I'm just being paranoid. Well, I do get confused sometimes. Maybe I'll turn into what they always said I was going to turn into - a maniac, a psycho-killer.
Buuutttt...results have always been on my side. When I said this and that about this or that, lots of people try valiantly to convince me that I was just being an asshole. They try to convince me that their version of things is correct. And the liars would never admit to lying. No matter how much you confront them.
Well, it always took two years for the truth to come out. For the FINAL results. The final revelations.
I don't need people to tell me I'm right. I KNOW I'm right.
The Shadow
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men (and women)? The Shadow knows!
Muahahahahahahahaha!
Muahahahahahahahaha!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Ezekiel 25:17
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, sheperds the weak from the valley of darkness, for he is truly is his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to destroy and poison my brothers.
And you will know my name as the LORD! - when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
Fag: Nnnnooooo!
Monkey: OOo-ooo-ooh! Aa-aaa-AAAHH!
Backstabbers: Me no backstab! Only in your he-
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Amir Hafizi 2008
Not Marina, not Mukhriz, not Najib, not even KJ or Anwar or Ummi Hafilda or Sukma Darmawan Sasmitaat Madja. Not Pretty Soldier Sammy V, not Ku Li, not Muhyiddin, not Lim Kit Siang, Lim Guan Eng, Karpal or Gobindh Singh Deo.
Since no one has the balls to do it, I guess it's another job for me.
I now throw my name as a Presidential candidate for Malaysia.
If I am made President, this whole country will be saved (selamat).
First order of business, as President, I will demolish all houses of worship. No churches, no mosques, no temples, not even a Tua Pek Kong.
Instead, I'll construct worship centres which incorporates ALL major religions, with a Starbucks at the side.
Then, I'm going on a killing spree.
Anyone who ever did anything bad to me will be captured, tortured, released, captured again, tortured some more and then watch helplessly as their family members are tortured, maimed and killed.
I will ban drumsticks. And fax machines. Drumsticks and fax machines are the stupidest things in the world and should be destroyed.
Then I will find out who took the RM1.1 billion from Terengganu and shove 1.1 billion needles up his/her/their/its ass(es).
I will take an LG Chocolate and smash it in front of Jeff Ooi. Take that product placement and shove it where the sun don't shine.
I will legally change Teresa Kok's name, because I really can't take her seriously with a...nevermind. And she should be taken seriously.
Phuket will be the 15th state.
Prostitution will be legalized and controlled by the Ministry of Hos. The Minister in charge? Ermmm...Ho Kay Tat?
No more combustion engine vehicles. Everyone must use hydrogen fuel-cell cars. Anyone who fails to do so will be thrown in jail until his/her beard is long enough to be held in one's hand.
Polygamy will be allowed for everyone, with the added stipulation that women can marry 5 men. This comes from the reasoning that women can have sex with 5 men at the same time. Vaginal, anal, oral and two handjobs.
Liberal lesbians will be shot and killed, drawn and quartered. This will be the end of their plot to emasculate real men.
The punishment for rapists would also be rape. With a dog. Or a pig.
Parliament will be a reality show on TV, 24 hours a day. Citizens get to vote out, via registered SMS, which idiot they want.
The MP who gets eliminated will have the trapdoor under him open and he will be transported directly to hell, where my ol' buddy Azazel will take care of him.
People who lose elections will be sterilized.
Mat Rempits and Minah Rempits will also be sterilized.
In fact, if I am made President, everyone in Malaysia will either be neutered or spayed.
I am the future of this country. So take a good look. Take a good long look.
Since no one has the balls to do it, I guess it's another job for me.
I now throw my name as a Presidential candidate for Malaysia.
If I am made President, this whole country will be saved (selamat).
First order of business, as President, I will demolish all houses of worship. No churches, no mosques, no temples, not even a Tua Pek Kong.
Instead, I'll construct worship centres which incorporates ALL major religions, with a Starbucks at the side.
Then, I'm going on a killing spree.
Anyone who ever did anything bad to me will be captured, tortured, released, captured again, tortured some more and then watch helplessly as their family members are tortured, maimed and killed.
I will ban drumsticks. And fax machines. Drumsticks and fax machines are the stupidest things in the world and should be destroyed.
Then I will find out who took the RM1.1 billion from Terengganu and shove 1.1 billion needles up his/her/their/its ass(es).
I will take an LG Chocolate and smash it in front of Jeff Ooi. Take that product placement and shove it where the sun don't shine.
I will legally change Teresa Kok's name, because I really can't take her seriously with a...nevermind. And she should be taken seriously.
Phuket will be the 15th state.
Prostitution will be legalized and controlled by the Ministry of Hos. The Minister in charge? Ermmm...Ho Kay Tat?
No more combustion engine vehicles. Everyone must use hydrogen fuel-cell cars. Anyone who fails to do so will be thrown in jail until his/her beard is long enough to be held in one's hand.
Polygamy will be allowed for everyone, with the added stipulation that women can marry 5 men. This comes from the reasoning that women can have sex with 5 men at the same time. Vaginal, anal, oral and two handjobs.
Liberal lesbians will be shot and killed, drawn and quartered. This will be the end of their plot to emasculate real men.
The punishment for rapists would also be rape. With a dog. Or a pig.
Parliament will be a reality show on TV, 24 hours a day. Citizens get to vote out, via registered SMS, which idiot they want.
The MP who gets eliminated will have the trapdoor under him open and he will be transported directly to hell, where my ol' buddy Azazel will take care of him.
People who lose elections will be sterilized.
Mat Rempits and Minah Rempits will also be sterilized.
In fact, if I am made President, everyone in Malaysia will either be neutered or spayed.
I am the future of this country. So take a good look. Take a good long look.
Sunbird
The past few weeks have been the worst few weeks of my life.
I lost all drive. One of my hard-drives crashed. I have no desire. Passion at work was gone. Bla bla bla.
Some people close to me may have been wondering whether they did something to cause it.
As a rule, I do not concern myself with the who. As in, the real who, not The Who, the band. I don't like people. So I distance myself from them. And may God strike me down if I ever give anyone power over me ever again in my life.
No. What concerns me are the whats and the hows. Because I am a machine. Machine Man! People be damned.
I know it's a process. I'm a pattern-recognizer, and I know very well my own patterns.
So I let the depression run its course. I followed it to the pits of despair. I explored notions of destruction that I never explored before. I went to the end of the universe and I jumped down.
Last night was rock bottom. I went down, down, down and I touched the floor of base existence.
And then, I knew what to do. And when I have the what, everything else will fall into place.
And may God have mercy to those who stand in my way.
I lost all drive. One of my hard-drives crashed. I have no desire. Passion at work was gone. Bla bla bla.
Some people close to me may have been wondering whether they did something to cause it.
As a rule, I do not concern myself with the who. As in, the real who, not The Who, the band. I don't like people. So I distance myself from them. And may God strike me down if I ever give anyone power over me ever again in my life.
No. What concerns me are the whats and the hows. Because I am a machine. Machine Man! People be damned.
I know it's a process. I'm a pattern-recognizer, and I know very well my own patterns.
So I let the depression run its course. I followed it to the pits of despair. I explored notions of destruction that I never explored before. I went to the end of the universe and I jumped down.
Last night was rock bottom. I went down, down, down and I touched the floor of base existence.
And then, I knew what to do. And when I have the what, everything else will fall into place.
And may God have mercy to those who stand in my way.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Emo Shit: De La Mancha
Sometimes, I feel like charging at windmills.
Just go and stick a lance through a propeller and hanging on for dear life as the whole bloody motherfucking thing does a rotation and slamming me 50 feet to the ground.
Sometimes, I really do feel like an old man in a suit of armour, fuzzy in the head, charging at nothing. All for chivalry. The books of chivalry. All in the name of the illusion that is Dulcinella del Toboso. Who is no fine lady, but a whore. Or probably just a very loud bar girl.
What would you be, then? Sancho Panza? Or the Kinght of Mirrors? Maybe Knight of the Moon?
I really do feel like him, sometimes. A knight-errant. Or an errant knight. Hundreds of years after our time. Our expiry date.
Just go and stick a lance through a propeller and hanging on for dear life as the whole bloody motherfucking thing does a rotation and slamming me 50 feet to the ground.
Sometimes, I really do feel like an old man in a suit of armour, fuzzy in the head, charging at nothing. All for chivalry. The books of chivalry. All in the name of the illusion that is Dulcinella del Toboso. Who is no fine lady, but a whore. Or probably just a very loud bar girl.
What would you be, then? Sancho Panza? Or the Kinght of Mirrors? Maybe Knight of the Moon?
I really do feel like him, sometimes. A knight-errant. Or an errant knight. Hundreds of years after our time. Our expiry date.
Energon...Energon!
All my reserve and auxillary power supplies are exhausted beyond belief.
I got nothing left in the tank. Absolutely nothing.
I am tired.
Just...tired.
But I can't let something like this get in the way. And the backstabbers - the monkeys - can smell an exhausted, wounded lone wolf like me.
I need to keep going. I need to hold aloft my magic dick and say, BY THE POWER OF PHUKET!
I need to be a robot.
Autobots! Transform! And merge to become Superion!
I need to open the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. And suck all its power dry.
I got nothing left in the tank. Absolutely nothing.
I am tired.
Just...tired.
But I can't let something like this get in the way. And the backstabbers - the monkeys - can smell an exhausted, wounded lone wolf like me.
I need to keep going. I need to hold aloft my magic dick and say, BY THE POWER OF PHUKET!
I need to be a robot.
Autobots! Transform! And merge to become Superion!
I need to open the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. And suck all its power dry.
Semusim di Syurga: Menanam Hatiku Yang Luka
Tadi, aku pergi ke Bangsar.
Aku cari dan terus mencari. Tapi tak jumpa.
"Minum, boss?" sapa si mamak.
Aku geleng.
"Minum arak, boss?" sapa si mamak kat kedai sebelah.
Aku mengeluh dan menggeleng lagi.
"Arak haram," aku kata. Hihihi.
Lepas tu, aku pergi naik teksi ke Midvalley Megamall. AKu pergi ke spa di Cititel Hotel, dipenuhi dengan perempuan-perempuan seksi yang sanggup melakukan apa saja yang aku pinta. Asalkan dibayar dengan sesuatu. Sama macam perempuan lain juga.
Aku pergi ke arah bapak ayam, eh, maksud aku pekerja spa tersebut.
"Boss, apa mau? Kadazan ada, Cina ada, Melayu ada."
"Kayan ada, Kayan?"
"Kayan?"
"Alaaa...duduk kat bukit. Pekerjaan utama menanam padi dan mengumpul hasil hutan. Kulit putih. Rambut hitam. Muka macam Cina."
"Bidayuh ada. Itu Jessica Alba Bidayuh la, dalam itu filem."
"Bukan Iban ke? Kelabit? Kelabit takde?"
"Tak adalah... mau tengok dulu?"
"Mmm... pinjam towel dulu boleh ke?"
"Apa mau buat?"
Aku ambil tuala yang diunjukkan pada aku. Kemudian aku berjalan ke arah tandas.
"Eh, lu mau pergi mana?"
AKu melangkah tiga tapak, kemudian aku memalingkan muka ke arah ba...pekerja spa tersebut dan memakukan renunganku yang penuh sayu.
"Aku pergi...menanam hatiku yang luka."
Aku pun masuk tandas dan berak.
Habis berak, aku keluar, pulangkan tuala dan ambik teksi pergi balik opis. Banyak kerja la.
Aku cari dan terus mencari. Tapi tak jumpa.
"Minum, boss?" sapa si mamak.
Aku geleng.
"Minum arak, boss?" sapa si mamak kat kedai sebelah.
Aku mengeluh dan menggeleng lagi.
"Arak haram," aku kata. Hihihi.
Lepas tu, aku pergi naik teksi ke Midvalley Megamall. AKu pergi ke spa di Cititel Hotel, dipenuhi dengan perempuan-perempuan seksi yang sanggup melakukan apa saja yang aku pinta. Asalkan dibayar dengan sesuatu. Sama macam perempuan lain juga.
Aku pergi ke arah bapak ayam, eh, maksud aku pekerja spa tersebut.
"Boss, apa mau? Kadazan ada, Cina ada, Melayu ada."
"Kayan ada, Kayan?"
"Kayan?"
"Alaaa...duduk kat bukit. Pekerjaan utama menanam padi dan mengumpul hasil hutan. Kulit putih. Rambut hitam. Muka macam Cina."
"Bidayuh ada. Itu Jessica Alba Bidayuh la, dalam itu filem."
"Bukan Iban ke? Kelabit? Kelabit takde?"
"Tak adalah... mau tengok dulu?"
"Mmm... pinjam towel dulu boleh ke?"
"Apa mau buat?"
Aku ambil tuala yang diunjukkan pada aku. Kemudian aku berjalan ke arah tandas.
"Eh, lu mau pergi mana?"
AKu melangkah tiga tapak, kemudian aku memalingkan muka ke arah ba...pekerja spa tersebut dan memakukan renunganku yang penuh sayu.
"Aku pergi...menanam hatiku yang luka."
Aku pun masuk tandas dan berak.
Habis berak, aku keluar, pulangkan tuala dan ambik teksi pergi balik opis. Banyak kerja la.
Komedi Muzikal Mungkar dan Nangkir
Mamat dua orang pakai sut Hugo Boss putih tu tak habis-habis lagi menyoal si sesat.
M: Siapa Tuhan kamu?
Si Sesat: Um...jap...jap. Boleh dapat klu tak?
N: ...
M: ...
N: Nah. Majalah KLue.
SS: Wah, kat sini pun dapat majalah?
N: Ini sebahagian dari hukuman.
M: BACA! Dengan nama Tuhan kamu!
SS: Macibai.
M: SALAH! Scorpion Leglock!
SS: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!
M: Siapa Tuhan kamu?
Si Sesat: Um...jap...jap. Boleh dapat klu tak?
N: ...
M: ...
N: Nah. Majalah KLue.
SS: Wah, kat sini pun dapat majalah?
N: Ini sebahagian dari hukuman.
M: BACA! Dengan nama Tuhan kamu!
SS: Macibai.
M: SALAH! Scorpion Leglock!
SS: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!
Semusim Di Syurga: Karangan Autobiografi - Aku Sebiji/Sekaki/Sebuah/Sepasang Kondom
Aku hanya ingat samar-samar zaman kanak-kanak aku. AKu ingat pokok yang besar, dan sebuah cawan hitam. Dan aku dapat rasakan diri aku mengalir deras.
Kemudian, aku ingat suhu yang tinggi. Kemudian, aku dibentuk menjadi diri aku sekarang.
AKu sedar saja, satu hari, aku sudah disuntik pelincir dan dimasukkan ke dalam paket.
Kalau di Indonesia, aku mungkin dipanggil Jaket Karet. Di Malaysia, tanah tumpah...errr...Di Malaysia aku dipanggil kondom saja.
Aku duduk di Guardian selama 6 bulan sebelum seorang budak lelaki membeli aku dan rakan-rakanku dalam kotak kondom kami.
Aku menanti penuh debar apabila seorang/sebiji/sebuah demi seorang/sebiji/sebuah rakan/adik-beradikku dikeluarkan dari kotak.
Satu hari, sampai giliran aku.
Aku disarungkan ke konek dan dengan pertahanan yang aku berikan, konek itu menerjah masuk ke dalam pantat.
Pantat busuk. Macibai.
Lepas tu pancut. Habis berlengas. Pukimak betul.
Lepas itu, aku ditanggalkan dan dibuang masuk ke dalam mangkuk tandas. Kemudian aku diflush dan pergi lepak bersama taik.
Celaka betul. Selepas habis digunakan, aku dibuang begitu sahaja. Demi mencapai Wawasan 2020. Inilah nasibku. A ming aling aling kang mengamal-mengamal.
Sekian.
Kemudian, aku ingat suhu yang tinggi. Kemudian, aku dibentuk menjadi diri aku sekarang.
AKu sedar saja, satu hari, aku sudah disuntik pelincir dan dimasukkan ke dalam paket.
Kalau di Indonesia, aku mungkin dipanggil Jaket Karet. Di Malaysia, tanah tumpah...errr...Di Malaysia aku dipanggil kondom saja.
Aku duduk di Guardian selama 6 bulan sebelum seorang budak lelaki membeli aku dan rakan-rakanku dalam kotak kondom kami.
Aku menanti penuh debar apabila seorang/sebiji/sebuah demi seorang/sebiji/sebuah rakan/adik-beradikku dikeluarkan dari kotak.
Satu hari, sampai giliran aku.
Aku disarungkan ke konek dan dengan pertahanan yang aku berikan, konek itu menerjah masuk ke dalam pantat.
Pantat busuk. Macibai.
Lepas tu pancut. Habis berlengas. Pukimak betul.
Lepas itu, aku ditanggalkan dan dibuang masuk ke dalam mangkuk tandas. Kemudian aku diflush dan pergi lepak bersama taik.
Celaka betul. Selepas habis digunakan, aku dibuang begitu sahaja. Demi mencapai Wawasan 2020. Inilah nasibku. A ming aling aling kang mengamal-mengamal.
Sekian.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Semusim di Syurga: Syurga Nan Ado
Semua tak paham. Pasal diorang bodoh. Nak buat macamana? Yang aku dok menghabiskan masa dengan orang bodoh buat apa?
Masa-masa aku tertekan atau ditekan, aku fikir balik pasal go-go girl kat Thailand. Diorang semua tak paham bila aku cakap yang aku boleh relate dengan go-go girls kat sana.
"So you went to the papaya farm?" tanya sorang minah yang takkan dalam seribu tahun pun dibenarkan jadi go-go girl melainkan untuk menjadi hukuman Tuhan pada manusia.
"Tak geli ke, lubang yang dijolok oleh beribu-ribu konek?" tanya seorang lagi.
Lantaklah. Perempuan memang tak suka perempuan lain, lebih-lebih lagi kalau dia seksi, atau lawa sikit. Setakat dahi licin sikit, memang kena tikam punya lah dengan perempuan lain. Itu belum go-go girl lagi. Nak buat camana. Jeles.
Aku kenal beberapa go-go girl atau senang cakap la, pedagang pantat atau pelacur. Kat Thailand.
Macam-macam cerita aku dapat.
Aku lepak dengan seorang ni, dia pernah kahwin, lepas tu laki dia jadi gay. Lepas tu pergi pukul dia. Lepas tu, pergi bawak lari anak diorang - dua budak lelaki.
Bila dia telefon anak-anak dia, laki dia jawab lepas tu maki dia. Lepas tu terus letak telefon. Dah 5 tahun tak dapat bercakap dengan anak dia.
Masa dia lepak dengan aku, dia mabuk. Lepas tu asyik tanya aku:
Go Go Girl: You not boxing lady me? (Ko tak pukul aku, kan, wahai Sang Elektron?)
Me: No, no, no. That's not my thing. (Akulah jaguh di air gemuruh.)
Lepas tu dia mabuk gila, start nangis.
Sorang lagi minah, aku masuk kelab dia, lepas tu boyfriend dia masuk. Dia ada cakap kat aku, masa kitorang sembang-sembang, dia ada 3 boyfriend kat Malaysia. Seorang kat Sweden, sorang kat Switzerland, sorang kat England. Kiranya dia ni UEFA Champions League la. Lebih kurang. ATaupun Club World Cup.
Mamat Switzerland tu datang ari tu. Dia start emo. Tuduh dia macam-macam. Maki dia macam-macam. Pakai bahasa Jerman.
Ko tau apa dia cakap? Dia maki hamun minah tu, cakap dia tak setia.
Pukimak betul! Dah kerja dia pelacur. Tu kerja dia la, bangsat! Ko nak apa lagi? Setakat 2,000 Euro ko bayar setiap empat bulan, ko ingat itu boleh maintain kerbau dia ke?
Aku dengan bouncer kelab yang kurus keding macam cicak kubing pergi handle. AKu cuma bawak perempuan tu keluar je la. Malas nak makan penampar Switzerland. Macam la sebest coklat dia.
Jadi aku bayar barfine, aku bawak dia keluar, aku dengar cerita dia. Belanja dia makan green curry chicken. Pasal aku nak makan. Dia mesti dah nak muntah makan makanan Siam.
Dia ibu tunggal. Anak dia gemuk, asyik nak makan McDonalds' je hari-hari. Dia dapat dalam RM13,000 sebulan, jadi go-go girl. Tapi dia pilih bulu. Dia racist. Mengaku. Taknak keluar dengan orang India atau sesapa yang berkulit hitam.
Go Go Girl 2: Too big for me!
Hmph.
Aku pergi Bali, aku jumpa jugak sex worker. Aku tanya dia, kenapa jadi pelacur?
Pelacur: Pasal nak duit.
Aku: Best ke kerja ni?
Pelacur: Om ada pekerjaan?
Dia panggil aku Om, pasal aku nampak tua.
Aku: Ada.
P: Bagus ke kerjanya?
A: Kadang-kadang bagus, kadang-kadang rasa seperti ingin masukkan zakar ke dalam dubur lepas tu menari-nari atas kubur sendiri.
P: Sama.
A: Jadi, ingin masukkan zakar dalam dubur?
P: Hahaha. Kadang-kadang.
A: Dulu kerjanya apa, ya?
P: Tanam padi.
A: Ada orang paksa jadi...
P: Nggak. Saya mahu sendiri.
A: Kenapa?
P: Om kerja untuk apa, ya?
A: Duit.
P: Sama.
Masa itulah aku mula paham yang aku pun tak ada bezanya dengan pelacur. Semua orang pun tak ada beza dengan pelacur. Selagi kau buat kerja yang kau tak suka demi mencari sesuap nasi, ko samalah dengan pelacur.
Tak kiralah pelacur seni ke, pelacur PR ke, pelacur pengurusan ke, pelacur perhatian ke. Semua orang adalah pelacur.
Bezanya, aku jauh lebih bernasib baik dari pelacur-pelacur yang aku jumpa. Aku tak pernah kena pukul dengan laki. Aku tak pernah kena maki dengan orang Switzerland. Dan aku tak pernah tanam padi. Tanam jagung ada la. Bapak aku paksa.
Jadi, walau macam mana pun aku rasa macam nak masukkan zakar dalam lubang jubur sendiri, lepas tu nari-nari bogel atas kubur, aku fikir balik pada pelacur-pelacur yang aku kenal, dan aku akan hela nafas lega.
Tapi gaji RM13,000 woo!
Masa-masa aku tertekan atau ditekan, aku fikir balik pasal go-go girl kat Thailand. Diorang semua tak paham bila aku cakap yang aku boleh relate dengan go-go girls kat sana.
"So you went to the papaya farm?" tanya sorang minah yang takkan dalam seribu tahun pun dibenarkan jadi go-go girl melainkan untuk menjadi hukuman Tuhan pada manusia.
"Tak geli ke, lubang yang dijolok oleh beribu-ribu konek?" tanya seorang lagi.
Lantaklah. Perempuan memang tak suka perempuan lain, lebih-lebih lagi kalau dia seksi, atau lawa sikit. Setakat dahi licin sikit, memang kena tikam punya lah dengan perempuan lain. Itu belum go-go girl lagi. Nak buat camana. Jeles.
Aku kenal beberapa go-go girl atau senang cakap la, pedagang pantat atau pelacur. Kat Thailand.
Macam-macam cerita aku dapat.
Aku lepak dengan seorang ni, dia pernah kahwin, lepas tu laki dia jadi gay. Lepas tu pergi pukul dia. Lepas tu, pergi bawak lari anak diorang - dua budak lelaki.
Bila dia telefon anak-anak dia, laki dia jawab lepas tu maki dia. Lepas tu terus letak telefon. Dah 5 tahun tak dapat bercakap dengan anak dia.
Masa dia lepak dengan aku, dia mabuk. Lepas tu asyik tanya aku:
Go Go Girl: You not boxing lady me? (Ko tak pukul aku, kan, wahai Sang Elektron?)
Me: No, no, no. That's not my thing. (Akulah jaguh di air gemuruh.)
Lepas tu dia mabuk gila, start nangis.
Sorang lagi minah, aku masuk kelab dia, lepas tu boyfriend dia masuk. Dia ada cakap kat aku, masa kitorang sembang-sembang, dia ada 3 boyfriend kat Malaysia. Seorang kat Sweden, sorang kat Switzerland, sorang kat England. Kiranya dia ni UEFA Champions League la. Lebih kurang. ATaupun Club World Cup.
Mamat Switzerland tu datang ari tu. Dia start emo. Tuduh dia macam-macam. Maki dia macam-macam. Pakai bahasa Jerman.
Ko tau apa dia cakap? Dia maki hamun minah tu, cakap dia tak setia.
Pukimak betul! Dah kerja dia pelacur. Tu kerja dia la, bangsat! Ko nak apa lagi? Setakat 2,000 Euro ko bayar setiap empat bulan, ko ingat itu boleh maintain kerbau dia ke?
Aku dengan bouncer kelab yang kurus keding macam cicak kubing pergi handle. AKu cuma bawak perempuan tu keluar je la. Malas nak makan penampar Switzerland. Macam la sebest coklat dia.
Jadi aku bayar barfine, aku bawak dia keluar, aku dengar cerita dia. Belanja dia makan green curry chicken. Pasal aku nak makan. Dia mesti dah nak muntah makan makanan Siam.
Dia ibu tunggal. Anak dia gemuk, asyik nak makan McDonalds' je hari-hari. Dia dapat dalam RM13,000 sebulan, jadi go-go girl. Tapi dia pilih bulu. Dia racist. Mengaku. Taknak keluar dengan orang India atau sesapa yang berkulit hitam.
Go Go Girl 2: Too big for me!
Hmph.
Aku pergi Bali, aku jumpa jugak sex worker. Aku tanya dia, kenapa jadi pelacur?
Pelacur: Pasal nak duit.
Aku: Best ke kerja ni?
Pelacur: Om ada pekerjaan?
Dia panggil aku Om, pasal aku nampak tua.
Aku: Ada.
P: Bagus ke kerjanya?
A: Kadang-kadang bagus, kadang-kadang rasa seperti ingin masukkan zakar ke dalam dubur lepas tu menari-nari atas kubur sendiri.
P: Sama.
A: Jadi, ingin masukkan zakar dalam dubur?
P: Hahaha. Kadang-kadang.
A: Dulu kerjanya apa, ya?
P: Tanam padi.
A: Ada orang paksa jadi...
P: Nggak. Saya mahu sendiri.
A: Kenapa?
P: Om kerja untuk apa, ya?
A: Duit.
P: Sama.
Masa itulah aku mula paham yang aku pun tak ada bezanya dengan pelacur. Semua orang pun tak ada beza dengan pelacur. Selagi kau buat kerja yang kau tak suka demi mencari sesuap nasi, ko samalah dengan pelacur.
Tak kiralah pelacur seni ke, pelacur PR ke, pelacur pengurusan ke, pelacur perhatian ke. Semua orang adalah pelacur.
Bezanya, aku jauh lebih bernasib baik dari pelacur-pelacur yang aku jumpa. Aku tak pernah kena pukul dengan laki. Aku tak pernah kena maki dengan orang Switzerland. Dan aku tak pernah tanam padi. Tanam jagung ada la. Bapak aku paksa.
Jadi, walau macam mana pun aku rasa macam nak masukkan zakar dalam lubang jubur sendiri, lepas tu nari-nari bogel atas kubur, aku fikir balik pada pelacur-pelacur yang aku kenal, dan aku akan hela nafas lega.
Tapi gaji RM13,000 woo!
Komm, Susser Tod
When my father was around 40 years old, the doctors told him he had 6 months to live. He had arhythmic beating of the heart. Parts of his heart had died – heart infarction - and he needed a cure that wasn’t invented yet. I’m not sure if they did invent it.
He also has diabetes. It started with a dose of incontinence. He started peeing regularly. And then there was the craving for sweet, sweet fruit juices. He’d throw the contents of a whole jackfruit, mangoes, rambutans into the blender and then mix it up with ice cream soda. And then he’d chill it with a few ice cubes. And then he would drink it.
When he was diagnosed with diabetes, the doctors told him he had to be warded, so he went to his room. Upon reaching there and having the nurse read his charts, he was scolded, then the nurse who took him was scolded. Because at his blood sugar levels, he was supposed to be on a wheelchair.
Then there were the strokes. He had his first after prayers. The left side of his body just went limp and he lost feeling in his left arm and leg. He just sat down for a while, and it went away. My mother rubbed vinegar on him – a folk remedy.
There was a second one, and I wasn’t there to see how it was. The third time he had a stroke, he was hospitalized.
The last time I saw him, he walked around on a walker, with a pouch in front. In it were four packs of cigarettes. He never quit. And this was more than 20 years after the doctors gave up on him.
The men of my family, especially on my father’s side, lived very long lives. His father, my grandfather, lived up to 98 years old. Working till the day he died.
When I was 26, the doctors told me that I will die before I’m 40. I just went in for a stupid kidney stone thing. They tested my uric acid levels and it was normal. Then they asked me questions and listened to my heart and my lungs. Arhythmic.
Their verdict: stress. And the smoking. And the drinking. And my love for food.
AT the time, I was doing the work of five men. Some people just upped and left and guess who had to hold the bag?
I’m a runner. I run away from things. When I discovered that my mother was trying to manipulate me, WAS manipulating me for years and years, I hatched a scheme that would take me away from home. That was when I was 12. I never went back since. I never came home for good, to stay. It’s been 16 years, and I’ve been living away from them. All for my pride. I will never, ever, let anyone control me. I would rather be right than be happy. My pride is more important than anyone in this world.
The doctors, they said that if I continued my way of life, I’ll have a cardiac arrest before I’m 40, and then I’d die. By then I already had to go to the hospital every 6 months for Nebulizer treatments. I get recurring bronchitis. My blood vessels were getting thicker and narrower. And I was coughing blood every morning.
So when I could afford it, I got myself a gym membership. It will be nice to have six pack abs, but my real goal is to bury my parents. I owe them that, at least.
I mean, they were not the best parents in the world. Far from it. My father is a robot who believes in hard work. My mother is an emotional hurricane.
But they did the best they could. I don’t hold it against them. They never had the answer to the questions I always had with me. They’re not perfect, they’re human. And for a lot of those 16 years I am away, I held that against them. Not anymore.
No matter. I took care of myself. I nurtured myself. My brain. I am a genius. I am smarter than most. People could backstab me all they want, but I have survived each and every dagger they stuck between my shoulder blades. I could train myself, feed myself, and survive on my own.
But never was my survival that important. I need to be the one who lives and bury my parents. Because I don’t have the heart to let them bury me. That’s not fair. Parents shouldn’t be responsible for their children’s funerals. It would break them. They’re not strong enough. I am.
I need to make sure that I handle their funerals. THAT’S responsibility. THAT’S something I’m not running away from.
When the doctors told me their verdict, I really didn’t give a shit. Whether I live or die, this will stay a shitty world. People will still use and abuse other people. They will still backstab each other. They will still lie and then live in denial all their lives. There will still be idiots.
But I decided to live if not for me, then for my family. My life is my own, my death likewise. I will use it as I see fit. This is one thing no one else will ever control. Or manipulate. Or take credit for. As others have seemed so fond of doing before.
You fuckers can backstab me, try to use me all you want. I will not die. I will exist. You will fail. And there is nothing you can do about it. I have trained myself well. I do not need other people. When push comes to shove, you’re all gonna die, motherfuckers! Your lies will be exposed and your true face will greet the world with a twist of shame and guilt and remorse. And fear.
Because I don’t need people to tell me that I’m right. I KNOW I’m right.
He also has diabetes. It started with a dose of incontinence. He started peeing regularly. And then there was the craving for sweet, sweet fruit juices. He’d throw the contents of a whole jackfruit, mangoes, rambutans into the blender and then mix it up with ice cream soda. And then he’d chill it with a few ice cubes. And then he would drink it.
When he was diagnosed with diabetes, the doctors told him he had to be warded, so he went to his room. Upon reaching there and having the nurse read his charts, he was scolded, then the nurse who took him was scolded. Because at his blood sugar levels, he was supposed to be on a wheelchair.
Then there were the strokes. He had his first after prayers. The left side of his body just went limp and he lost feeling in his left arm and leg. He just sat down for a while, and it went away. My mother rubbed vinegar on him – a folk remedy.
There was a second one, and I wasn’t there to see how it was. The third time he had a stroke, he was hospitalized.
The last time I saw him, he walked around on a walker, with a pouch in front. In it were four packs of cigarettes. He never quit. And this was more than 20 years after the doctors gave up on him.
The men of my family, especially on my father’s side, lived very long lives. His father, my grandfather, lived up to 98 years old. Working till the day he died.
When I was 26, the doctors told me that I will die before I’m 40. I just went in for a stupid kidney stone thing. They tested my uric acid levels and it was normal. Then they asked me questions and listened to my heart and my lungs. Arhythmic.
Their verdict: stress. And the smoking. And the drinking. And my love for food.
AT the time, I was doing the work of five men. Some people just upped and left and guess who had to hold the bag?
I’m a runner. I run away from things. When I discovered that my mother was trying to manipulate me, WAS manipulating me for years and years, I hatched a scheme that would take me away from home. That was when I was 12. I never went back since. I never came home for good, to stay. It’s been 16 years, and I’ve been living away from them. All for my pride. I will never, ever, let anyone control me. I would rather be right than be happy. My pride is more important than anyone in this world.
The doctors, they said that if I continued my way of life, I’ll have a cardiac arrest before I’m 40, and then I’d die. By then I already had to go to the hospital every 6 months for Nebulizer treatments. I get recurring bronchitis. My blood vessels were getting thicker and narrower. And I was coughing blood every morning.
So when I could afford it, I got myself a gym membership. It will be nice to have six pack abs, but my real goal is to bury my parents. I owe them that, at least.
I mean, they were not the best parents in the world. Far from it. My father is a robot who believes in hard work. My mother is an emotional hurricane.
But they did the best they could. I don’t hold it against them. They never had the answer to the questions I always had with me. They’re not perfect, they’re human. And for a lot of those 16 years I am away, I held that against them. Not anymore.
No matter. I took care of myself. I nurtured myself. My brain. I am a genius. I am smarter than most. People could backstab me all they want, but I have survived each and every dagger they stuck between my shoulder blades. I could train myself, feed myself, and survive on my own.
But never was my survival that important. I need to be the one who lives and bury my parents. Because I don’t have the heart to let them bury me. That’s not fair. Parents shouldn’t be responsible for their children’s funerals. It would break them. They’re not strong enough. I am.
I need to make sure that I handle their funerals. THAT’S responsibility. THAT’S something I’m not running away from.
When the doctors told me their verdict, I really didn’t give a shit. Whether I live or die, this will stay a shitty world. People will still use and abuse other people. They will still backstab each other. They will still lie and then live in denial all their lives. There will still be idiots.
But I decided to live if not for me, then for my family. My life is my own, my death likewise. I will use it as I see fit. This is one thing no one else will ever control. Or manipulate. Or take credit for. As others have seemed so fond of doing before.
You fuckers can backstab me, try to use me all you want. I will not die. I will exist. You will fail. And there is nothing you can do about it. I have trained myself well. I do not need other people. When push comes to shove, you’re all gonna die, motherfuckers! Your lies will be exposed and your true face will greet the world with a twist of shame and guilt and remorse. And fear.
Because I don’t need people to tell me that I’m right. I KNOW I’m right.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Must...Have...Thailand
I have been running on empty for the past 9 months. I need to replenish my energy. I need to go to the source.
Thailand. Motherland. The nexus of all super-powers. I need to soak myself in the sound and the fury of Thailand. I need to recharge.
And then...and then...you shall know fear...
Thailand. Motherland. The nexus of all super-powers. I need to soak myself in the sound and the fury of Thailand. I need to recharge.
And then...and then...you shall know fear...
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