Saturday, April 7, 2012

Rise Above Hate


Tonight, I went to see my old school friends and we talked till after midnight.

In my 20s, I had issues with the entire structure of clinging on to our past, because I had issues with the past.

I come from some pretty weird and tumultuous background, growing up in some hostile places. I spent my entire 20s trying to find a way to move forward with my life - which may sound dramatic, but it was just a few bitching sessions and victim stories.

A few years ago, I was besieged with illnesses and my doctors told me I would not live to see 40 if I continued to exist and work in a stressful manner. It was no joke, and I'm not being gay. I was hospitalised for various stress-induced complications.

I didn't mind dying before 40. In fact, I wished for it at some point. I am not scared of death at all, but I was worried of living a life of pain.

I was really angry. Just really, really angry. And anger, all it wants, is to be angrier. And so I became angrier. It consumed me, defined me. Blablabla.

I have gone to extremely dark places in my head, just like any drama queen. I was clinically depressed, blablabla, and all manner of mentally-induced self-flagellation.

So I discovered for myself some tenets of New Age philosophy, anchored in early Buddhist teachings - before it became a bit more commercial - and worked on my anger and hate-fueled situation.

I understand now that I simply needed to let go of my deep desire to control the world and its people, in order to move on with my life, my existence.

Because wishing for the world or its people, the past, present or future to be different is the cause of all suffering.

You do not wish. You stand still. You listen. And when the time comes, you move, and the world will move with you.

You are not the centre of the universe. It's not about you. You ARE the universe. Connected to every single thing.

It is not something I can explain in words. This sensation, this feeling, you have to experience. It does not mean you are a doormat, but that with each movement, carries with it tremendous power free from negativity. Free from hate, free from anger.

I would like to tell you that I am living an emotionless life, but I do not. I don't even live everyday free from negative emotion. I am still very much attuned to the darkness of the human heart.

But I am aware of the path that leads to the light as I am of the path to true darkness. And for now, that is enough. I have no expectations or any wish for anything to be any different.

And I am going to keep on moving, wherever that may lead me.