A few months ago, something happened which changed my environment.
It was a traumatic experience for me, and my ingenious mind decided to go on overdrive and distract me from being awake and fully aware.
I went into a deep egoic state. Became the 'needy little me'.
Out of all this, came an amazing opportunity to observe myself. Suddenly, I became aware of my thinking self. The self that identifies only with thought - the ego.
I also became aware of the emotional component of that, which is deep emotion in search of more deep emotion - most of them unnecessary and ultimately a lie. Eckhart Tolle calls this the pain-body.
The self that is observing is the real me. The biggest part of me. For the ego and the pain-body are both also me. It's just that I can't allow them to control me. Fighting them only makes them bigger, more real.
The only thing I do is accept the ego and the pain-body, and be aware of their existences.
This is a deep realisation that is different from what I had a year ago, or two years ago, when I first started this spiritual journey, coming off from my pilgrimage to Thailand.
I am still not fully aware or awake most of the time. But I am beginning to access the stillness and the peace more readily now.
I hope to see it in my work which I will one day leave to all of you.