A friend of mine was in distress just the other day, and for some reason, I was affected somewhat.
I was too busy to go and help, and despite everything, that always drives me crazy.
When I can't do something.
But I do have my limits.
When I was younger, I was extremely righteous at things people say I can't do.
"You must study, otherwise, you won't score in your exams." Somebody said that when I was in Form 1(Seventh Grade?).
Okay, motherfucker, I won't study AND I will score. That, unfortunately, works only until you're in Form 3. SPM/O Level was a different ball game.
I slipped from being number three in the top class to just being number 8 in a middle class.
As I get older, I got even more obsessed with proving people wrong.
"You can't be a writer. You studied computer science! Go and programme some shit!"
Who's the writer now, bitch?
"You can't juggle two jobs at once!"
I was juggling THREE. Fuck you!
My approach was direct. Saw a wall in front of me? I would ram my head into it until the wall breaks. Sure, my head would be broken, sometimes, but in the end, I have always prevailed.
I have been very lucky.
When I got a lot older, today, I am beginning to slow down on the headbutting thing. Things have changed.
For one, there are less walls now. I have broken through so many, in my youth, there aren't many left.
I mean, I used to chase pussy. Now, I get pussy thrown at me.
More importantly, I find other ways of breaking walls. I go around some, and in other cases, when circumstances warrant it, I fly over it.
The greatest technique, though, is realising that there are no walls. The walls were always illusions. I put it there, cause my brain is so fucking giganormous, it creates its own obstacles.
The realisation comes with the clarity that allowing your life to be dictated by the whims of others is probably the stupidest thing you could ever do. And that we're all idiots, at some point in our lives. Oh well.
There is absolutely nothing stopping me from being happy. From being free. Nothing has to happen before I get my happiness.
I have met and spoke with ridiculously rich people who were unhappy because... I don't know, but at some point, they were. I guess it's the walls in their minds.
I know some great writers. Some of the greatest in the world. And yet, they do not write.
"You know, I wish I could write a book/movie/play/sonnet/sestina."
Well, apparently, one of the biggest walls in the human mind is: EXPECTATION.
I grappled with that one for most of my life.
You see, I am one of those 'potential people'. When older people see me, talk to me, they see potential. That, or arrogance.
Anyway, when you display a certain amount of intelligence, people expect a lot from you. For a time, I couldn't handle that.
Expectation almost broke me. It's like you are allowed to compete in the 100m at the Olympics and you have a banana stuck up your ass. You may still beat Usain Bolt and set a new world record, but it's uncomfortable as hell. Or so I heard.
The greatest fear from expectations, is your own. I began to slowly realise that it wasn't other people's expectations I was so scared of. It was my own. Truth be told, people don't expect much from each other. Other people are mostly noise to other people, which is unfortunate.
Realising that I am not the center of the universe, that I do have limits, that I do make mistakes - accepting that - gave me the room to breathe.
And when I have room, that's it.
It has always been me. Every bit of it, me.
I learned to trust my instincts, which has always been infallible - I can be wrong sometimes, but my instincts have always been accurate.
These all lead to true confidence. Not the righteous facsimile, but the real thing.
I look back, nowadays, at days long gone... and I shrug. It was all right.
So anyway, I got a call from my friend last night, and everything's okay again. So I am happy. Things may not be as good as can be hoped, but that's the way things have always been. Could have been better.
Well, I couldn't. And that's my limit.