Cock

Suck my cock, you fucking assholes!

Art stolen from Sunder's Facebook page.

Heaven and Earth Society

I am currently planning a trip all over Malaysia. I guess, before I eventually leave this country, I at least have to sample a lot more of it.

There are so many things that are not in brochures. So many stories untold. See, whenever I go back to Kuantan, I usually look out the window of my sister's car and see kids playing badminton - three-a-side, sometimes five - or a lone lorry up a hill.

I have always wondered, what kind of stories do these people have to tell? Do the kids prop their chin in their classrooms, dreaming of being a race-car driver, or lament the lack of comics around their place.

I see lonely houses in the middle of nowhere, and I think to myself, "Who lives there?" Why?

I know a lot of Kuantan's stories that are not in brochures. I am extremely lousy with direction, because I cannot hold maps inside my head. But I do know of Kuantan's history and a lot of its colour.

There are abandoned towns there. Big holes in the ground - one of the deepest in the world. As well as remnants of an earth oven used to bake some of the best breads I have ever had in my lifetime, bar none.

See, the earth oven was made of bricks from Sg Lembing clay, which is rich in feldspar and petalite, meaning there is a high rate of infraheat radiation. This, makes for great white bread.

There is the story of the breadmaker, and his impact on Pahangese society, when at one time, his biscuits are one of only three or four available treats in the entire state.

There are many other things, and I would be lucky to get to tell some of them, before my time here is up.

Turnaround Transformers

Megatron: Optimus Prime Sucks!
Soundwave: Optimus Prime Sucks!
Megatron: Iron Hide is an idiot!
Soundwave: Iron Hide is an idiot!
.
.
.
Megatron: BumbleBee sucks!
Soundwave: Bumblebee Sucks!
Megatron: The Autobots Suck!
Soundwave: Yes, the Autobots suck, leader Megatron.
Megatron: Take care of the base, will ya, Soundwave?
Soundwave: Where are you going?
Megatron: To join the Autobots...
Soundwave: But...

Tales from the Drunk Side: The Heartbreak Kid

Tonight, instead of thinking up new business opportunities, I spent the evening with a friend.

She insisted that we go to a more private place as she did not want to be seen by the crowds in Bangsar, The Curve or any part of Damansara.

"I was like, okay, but why Taman Tun? It's equally crowded, somewhat."

"I don't know anyone in Taman Tun. And bring your laptop. With your collection of... stuff."

I had my suspicions, and eventually they were confirmed.

I was being used. As a sympathetic ear. A dick in a glass case. In case of emergency, break open glass. Lord. Yet another relationship down the drains, and I am to listen to it.

"But why, Amir, why?"

"Was it your vagina?"

"What is wrong with my vagina?"

"I don't know. I've never seen it."

And much as I hoped that what followed would be like almost all the porn flicks I have seen, I ended up listening to yet another account of lies, betrayal and drama.

Don't get me wrong. I sometimes consider it an honour that people confide in me, and allow their stories be told here, and perhaps in upcoming books. It's just that the year of the Tiger has been wrought with lies, betrayal and drama. So much so, I can't wait for the Year of the Rabbit, so that I can go and eat rabbits.

"I caught him red-handed," she began, doing away with any verbose backgrounder.

"But I have always suspected him."

Ah. My experience is that there is almost no such thing as paranoia. It's not paranoia when it's true. And somehow, you can always tell.

"U-huh," was all I offered. I am old enough to know that when it comes to these things, I should just shut up and let her rip.

And so she went on and on and on about the almost CSI-like methodical ways in which she traced the man's transgressions.

"This, is her Facebook page," she said, justifying the need for my laptop.

His pictures were also there. Ah, how the Information Age has changed the way we fuck.

"U-huh."

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Uh... there, there."

"He... I feel so cheated!"

Because you were.

"U-huh."

"Stop with the u-huhs!"

"What do you want me to say?" And even here, I sense de ja vu.

"Say that he cheated on me!"

"Look, the only people who know what happened in a relationship, are the two idiots who are or were in that relationship. No one else knows jack shit about what happened. I do not believe my judgments can make anything clear or better. It cannot justify anything - pain, remorse, anger, hatred. Nothing does."

"Just don't say u-huh!"

"Okay."

"So, say something!"

"Okay."

"You..."

And thar she blows. She's pissed off at that guy, and I get the outburst?

"Well, there was an inscription on the top of the entrance to the oracle at Delphi," I said.

She pricked her ears.

"It says, 'gnothi seauton'. It means, 'know thyself'."

"And?"

"And you should know yourself."

"You are infuriating!"

"Look, I can listen. I can sit here, listen, and keep my judgments to myself. That, in my experience, is the best thing I can do for you. ANything else, is potentially destructive."

Lies, betrayal - all this happens every day. Not as frequently as I crap every day. But not as rare as me getting hospitalised for overwork.

"He got me to be the guarantor to his loan, and he got me to give him cash."

It's an old story that keeps coming back. I was never fooled by a sweetheart, but by fiends who borrowed money from me. Or allowed me to go into debt. But do go on, friend.

"I let him make love to me from behind."

Whoa! Hold up! Too much info!

"Okay. Can I write this on my blog?"

"I don't read blogs."

"Is that a yes?"

"Do whatever you want."

She seemed clearly upset. I felt helpless, but I do know that doing or saying anything more is potentially dangerous.

"Say something, Amir."

"I have listened to your thoughts and experiences concerning your relationship. I am only concerned about you and your well-being. Regardless of what happened, I hope that you do not make it an excuse to do anything stupid with your life. Other than that, I believe that whatever happened to us, we allowed to happen."

"So, it's my fault?"

"Our lives, are our own responsibilities. Being accountable for our lives means being in control and being in power. It is easy to be a victim, and in fact, many people become victims or are addicted to becoming victims so they could have the moral high ground. But there are no morals. It is only a societal delusion. An illusion."

"You sound measured. Practised."

"I have been giving this speech many times. 12 couples last year, three with you this year, so far."

"What do you think I should do?"

"You are a brilliant investment person. You should focus on your life and your career. People are generally evil. Never trust people. Especially those who try to curry favour from you by being nice outwardly. Live your life. Be happy. Let God, Science or the Universe or whatever sort them out."

"You're saying bad people will get their comeuppance? You really believe that?"

"I believe that within ego, denial, envy, bad emotions, and bad deeds, are seeds of their own destruction. I believe that people who do these things are incapable of true happiness and will forever wallow in denial. Sooner or later, they will reealise this and suddenly, their whole world would seem out of whack. It would be revealed as what it is. Fake. And there is no happiness in lies. Only thing we can do is to never get sucked into their games. Never be like them."

"You really believe in all this?"

"There are times when I wish I do. Most of the times, I hardly think about other people. I just think about myself."

I said more than I should. But glasses, pints, of Shoggoth's Old Peculiar tend to do that to me.

"I can write about this, when I get back, right?"

"Sure."

"Even the anal sex part?"

"As long as my name is not in it."

She sighed. It would have been easy to take advantage of the situation. But my list of friends have been shortened these past few years. Most, left for distant shores. Some, turned out to be bastards. Sex is only worth 50 bucks. And most of the times, I do not crave sex. I enjoy having a drink and good, if repetitive, conversations.

"Amir, tell me I will meet the right person."

"There are over six billion people in the world today. Perhaps more. It is statistically probable."

The Problem with Not Caring

The problem with not caring is that I can't tell you how much I don't care.

The simple act of talking to a shit-faced asshole like you means that I care enough to enlighten you about my thoughts, which means that I have effectively neutralised my non-caring.

It's like being enthusiastic about apathy.

"I'm so psyched that I am apathetic!"

It just doesn't work.

Lots of thoughts go around in my head every day, and whenever I don't think of any of you dipshits means that at that moment, I don't care about you. So unless I write about your asshole constantly, just take it as a standing statement that I do not give a shit about your gay-wad father. Or his dick in your mouth.

The Tai Chi Master

My favourite Jet Li movie must be The Tai Chi Master.

In it, Junbao and Tianbao escaped the Shaolin Monastery after Tianbao's ambition got them expelled.

They joined some rebels, but Tianbao wanted to work for the Government, to get money and prestige. As well as power.

Junbao remained with the rebels, but not doing any rebellious things.

One day, the rebels got into trouble and Tianbao came to 'help', offering his sympathies.

He led the rebels into the Government military compound but then sprang a trap. Tianbao had betrayed them. Sold them off to the Government so that he could be promoted to a position of power.

Junbao, heartbroken, fell into a state of insanity.

This is when Junbao created Tai-Chi.

The movie is full of great martial arts action. This is certainly not how Zhang San Feng (Junbao's later name) came up with Tai Chi, but it was very entertaining.

This is by far one of my favourite pieces of HK cinema.

Freedom

Well, I am truly free.

For the first time in years, I can say that I can move and spread my wings with nothing to hold me back.

No baggage. No considerations. I'm only thinking about myself, right now. I owe no one nothing, except for Maybank and PTPTN.

I am free to work with anyone, for anything.

Freedom, to me, is the most valuable resource. My time and my space can be turned to anything.

I do not care about anything, so the world is ripe for the taking.

Bipole Dancing Disorder

I was really upset last night. Very upset.

And then, today, after a night of working through rage, I feel fine. In fact, I cannot muster even an ounce of hatred and anger.

I think I am crazy. Muahahaha.

But this is the kind of crazy I can live with. The kind of crazy that works for me.

I'm just amazed what 30 minutes of sleep makes.

Now, I'll try another 3 hours.

The House of the Windowless Rooms

In times of trouble, I remember the trials and tribulations of those who came before me.

People like Lucifer, who went to the House of the Windowless Rooms, wingless and powerless, leaving his immortality at the door.

He was only armed, with his wit and his will.

Lucifer had to fight three Japanese Gods and one big Japanese God of Death, plus one demon of the Shiko-Me.

Lucifer prevailed, against all odds. He reclaimed his wings and with it navigated through the new universe he created in defiance of his father - Yahweh.

I remember when Lucifer was struck down by the Bassanos, and he was saved by the most insignificant of all characters, which later turned out to be the most significant.

But what I do remember was the House of the Windowless Rooms. And Lucifer's trials there.

Lucifer had less, and relied on no one and nothing, save from his wit, and his will.

That, at least, gives me hope.

Sejuk Mata Pedang, Dingin Hati

Dalam dunia ni, takde apa yang kekal abadi.

Semuanya ada pengakhiran, bila tiba masa masing-masing. Terlalu naif untuk mengimpikan sesuatu yang kekal selama-lamanya.

Kalau itu yang diharapkan, maka akan kecewa. Dunia ni fana, semua orang akan mati.

"Semua yang baru akan bertukar menjadi buruk," tulis Pak Samad.

Lepas masuk dalam kubur masing-masing, ha, jawablah sendiri.

Kalau manusia pun mati, apatah lagi perasaan? Perasaan hanyalah tindakbalas kimia dalam otak. Marah, sedih, gembira, sifat keji membelot, persahabatan, semuanya akan berakhir.

Ko makan coklat banyak-banyak, rasa gembira. Ko makan taik, rasa cam taik kot?

Aku cuma seorang Penulis Jalangan. Takde aku nak mengimpikan rumah untuk aku pulang. Sahabat yang setia berjuang bersama (walaupun ada Sunder). Itu semua angan-angan kosong seorang yang terlalu muda. Setahun jagung.

Aku dah tua. Tak lama lagi nak mampus. Aku sedar diri, dan aku sentiasa ingat mati.

Bila aku mati, aku tau aku akan mati dengan aman. Walau macam mana pun aku mati. Pasal aku takde pernah nak bertindak jahat kat orang. Mulut longkang ada la. Tapi nak menikam orang, aku tak sanggup.

Terus terang aku cakap, aku tak berani. Bukan takutkan orang, tapi takutkan balasan Tuhan.

Ya. AKu percaya Tuhan. Terkejut? Walaupun Tuhan aku bukanlah Tuhan yang ada seribu tangan atau jenis yang suka memfire orang tak tentu pasal, aku percaya pada konsep Tuhan.

Bukanlah Tuhan yang gila egotistikal, gila disembah dan dipuja - itu bukan Tuhan, itu engko.

Tuhan yang mahu egonya dibelai? Muahahahaha! Lemahnya Tuhan itu.

AKu cuma tau, hidup sebagaimana aku percaya. Jujur dan terang. AKu percayakan Kebenaran, walau bagaimana pun aku rugi, dicaci, dicerca, ditipu, diherdik, diumpat, dibelot atas sebab pegangan aku.

AKu tak pernah mendoakan keburukan kepada orang, cuma mendoakan Kebenaran. Yang sebenarnya, tak perlu dipinta. Kebenaran akan terserlah jua.

Aku doakan Kebenaran untuk semua orang.

Moga kau akan dapat mencium bau Kebenaran sebelum kau mampus dan masuk ke neraka jahanam.

Valerie's Letter. Again

Whenever I feel lost, abandoned, betrayed or whatever, I read and re-read Valerie's letter, from V For Vendetta.

It reminds me of what little values I hold true to myself.

I am not a man of principle. I have never pretended to be one and if that was your impression of me then I do apologise.

I am not religious at all, and I do consider religion to be dangerous, but I do have faith in some things. This letter, encapsulates some of it. Not the gay part, though I do love lesbians - especially Alan Moore.

There are some things the price of which are so low, but with values that are in essence, priceless.

A few metres of fabric for your mother. A smile for your family. A cup of tea or a can of beer for an old friend. Throwing quotes from your favourite shows or books at each other. Sharing an in-joke. All these, are very cheap, but like Alan Moore's last inch of integrity, priceless.

I don't know who you are. Please believe. There is no way I can convince you that this is not one of their tricks. But I don't care. I am me, and I don't know who you are, but I love you.

I have a pencil. A little one they did not find. I am a women. I hid it inside me. Perhaps I won't be able to write again, so this is a long letter about my life. It is the only autobiography I have ever written and oh God I'm writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1957, and it rained a lot. I passed my eleven plus and went to girl's Grammar. I wanted to be an actress.

I met my first girlfriend at school. Her name was Sara. She was fourteen and I was fifteen but we were both in Miss. Watson's class. Her wrists. Her wrists were beautiful. I sat in biology class, staring at the picket rabbit foetus in its jar, listening while Mr. Hird said it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew. Sara did. I didn't.

In 1976 I stopped pretending and took a girl called Christine home to meet my parents. A week later I enrolled at drama college. My mother said I broke her heart.

But it was my integrity that was important. Is that so selfish? It sells for so little, but it's all we have left in this place. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free.

London. I was happy in London. In 1981 I played Dandini in Cinderella. My first rep work. The world was strange and rustling and busy, with invisible crowds behind the hot lights and all that breathless glamour. It was exciting and it was lonely. At nights I'd go to the Crew-Ins or one of the other clubs. But I was stand-offish and didn't mix easily. I saw a lot of the scene, but I never felt comfortable there. So many of them just wanted to be gay. It was their life, their ambition. And I wanted more than that.

Work improved. I got small film roles, then bigger ones. In 1986 I starred in "The Salt Flats." It pulled in the awards but not the crowds. I met Ruth while working on that. We loved each other. We lived together and on Valentine's Day she sent me roses and oh God, we had so much. Those were the best three years of my life.

In 1988 there was the war, and after that there were no more roses. Not for anybody.

In 1992 they started rounding up the gays. They took Ruth while she was out looking for food. Why are they so frightened of us? They burned her with cigarette ends and made her give them my name. She signed a statement saying I'd seduced her. I didn't blame her. God, I loved her. I didn't blame her.

But she did. She killed herself in her cell. She couldn't live with betraying me, with giving up that last inch. Oh Ruth. . . .

They came for me. They told me that all of my films would be burned. They shaved off my hair and held my head down a toilet bowl and told jokes about lesbians. They brought me here and gave me drugs. I can't feel my tongue anymore. I can't speak.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie

X

Apa Ada Pada Sang Elektron

Sang Elektron adalah watak komik terjemahan Pendekar Laut kegemaran aku.

Kenapa?

Pasal pada satu jangkamasa, Sang Elektron telah berlawan dengan hampir semua watak dalam Pendekar Laut, di sebuah padang di Afrika. Kecuali Pendekar Laut, Raja Singa dan Jerung Raksasa, Sang Elektron telah mencabar kesemua watak yang lain.

Ini termasuk bekas rakan seperjuangannya seperti Break Dream dan yang lain. Yang telah dibrainwash.

Kenapa? Pasal integriti. Sang Elektron tidak mahu berpura-pura yang Sindiket Blue Dream adalah sindiket yang baik, malah adalah sebuah pertubuhan yang berulat di tengah-tengahnya, akibat cita-cita hitam Thien Wu dan anaknya Blue Dream.

Malah, Sang Elektron, Raja Ubur-ubur dan yang lain telah diculik datipada ibu bapa mereka dan dipasang alat kawalan Dreammaker semata-mata mahu mengawal ingatan mereka.

Malah, Orga pernah meninggalkan Sindiket Blue Dream tetapi disembunyikan fakta itu oleh semua orang, termasuk Orga sendiri.

"Ya, memang aku boleh berpura-pura tiada apa yang berlaku," kata Sang Elektron. "Tapi, adakah aku manusia lagi kalau aku berbuat begitu?"

Jadi, Sang Elektron melawan Sindiket Blue Dream. Dia hampir berjaya menghapuskan Sindiket itu, kalau bukan campurtangan si hipokrit Orga. Ini merupakan titik tolak kebencian aku pada Orga dan Hitomi. Kuat, tapi tak berakal dan tidak berhati perut.

Sang Elektron satu-satunya watak jaguh handalan yang memberi impak besar kepada aku, semasa aku muda. Dia tahu dia akan mati, tapi adakah dia berganjak daripada pendiriannya? Keupayaannya jauh lebih rendah daripada Orga, mahupun Blue Dream. Adakah dia mengalah?

Tidak sama sekali. Kenapa?

"Sebab aku, Sang Elektron, hebat! Hebat! Hebat!"

Lepasan Arhat

Aku ada deadline kena kejar malam ni, tapi paru-paru aku buat hal. AKu akan tidur kejap dan bangun untuk menyudahkan kesemuanya. AKu tau semuanya amat tahil (mustahil = impossible; tahil = possible) sekali.

Kena jaga kesihatan diri. Tanpa kesihatan aku, hapah takleh buat.

Aku akan bermeditasi dan bertafakur, sambil memikirkan bagaimana hendak mengasingkan diri daripada dunia kepahlawanan tak berapa lama lagi.

Tak mengapa. Aku ibarat Sang Elektron dalam Pendekar Laut Generasi 1. Walaupun watak picisan, tapi mampu membunuh separuh Sindiket Blue Dream. Selebihnya, aku tinggalkan untuk kau, Pendekar Laut!

Newspaper Trends

Some interesting things about newspapers by Uppercaise.

I don't know Uppercaise and since this blog is free, I can't be half-assed to check any of his figures, which may be inaccurate or whatever.

But if what he is saying is true, then we are following an almost global average - if we exclude special cases like Japan - of declining newspaper sales.

They will blame it on journalists, editors and perhaps even the tea lady, if this is true and as one of those people myself, I must agree somewhat.

The most clear statement, was made by Datuk Sakmongkol:

The decline in NST’s circulation and therefore relevance may actually be caused by these things in the “many”. The “many” in the NST are from the school of journalism from one educational institution. And you know they operate like a secret society, guarding entry into the brotherhood, jealous of anyone not schooled in the same values. Above all, they have this overinflated notion of self-importance that THEY and THEY ALONE have the right to have an opinion on anything. This is the main cause of NST’s degeneration.
Sakmongkol AK47

I don't know about the secret society, and if there is one, sign me up! That, or the jealously-guarded privilege to have an opinion. I believe that newspapers have printed people's opinions counter to what was published in the papers on a regular basis, if the pieces are written well and the points explained properly.

But what I do agree with is the point made which says about the exclusion of the public on having an opinion. I am not saying they are, in newspapers, as there are multiple channels, but I believe that there is a better and easier way for them to express themselves - the Internet.

I believe that MOST people only want to read two things:

1. Things they write themselves

- Humans are such self-absorbed creatures.

2. Things that they agree with.

- Most will spend less time on articles that they do not agree with than with articles that fortify their own thoughts and opinions. There are some who read to gain knowledge, but I believe more read simply to feel good about themselves. It's an ego thing.

- This explains why, whenever I tell people bad news, they tend to hate me for it. So these days, I just shut up and allow them to discover things all on their own.

Going by these, I do not believe that normal newspapering and newspaperism will sell 50-100 years from now. ANyone who is in the business now may be able to make a living out of it, and their sons or daughters might, but a third generation to me seems a bit off.

I have always believed that journalists, in order to remain relevant, need to evolve and roll with the punches. Using the same skill sets, writers can still be of contribution - or cause destruction - to the society.

I have a solution I want to try out, but it will take at least RM3 million in two years' time. And several million in ensuing years.

You think they will let me try? I doubt it. I believe I have a better chance aiming for an Oscar than getting it done.

I'm just an old-fashioned hack.

Himat Mencuci Sum-sum Tulang

Adakah dengan menyebatikan lapan belas sarira-sarira itu, aku mampu bertemu apsara?

Mungkin tidak.

Lepasan Arhat!

Life is Not That Dramatic

It's pretty simple, really.

You do bad things to people, and bad things happen to you. Be good, and MAYBE some good stuff happens your way.

Pretending to do good things while in the service of your own ego, will only result in bad things.

It's all elementary.

Oh well. Fuck should I care?

God is in His Toilet, All's Right With the World

It's 7.30 in the morning. I woke up three hours ago, and for some unfathomable reason, I feel good. This is going to be a great day. I know it.

I have deadlines to catch and people to contact. Emails to send.

I feel young. Refreshed. Energetic. Sharp. Very. I feel the confidence of youth with some insights that come with age.

I know what people did and are doing. And you know what? I couldn't care less.

Everything is clear to me, and I know what I want to do. Timing is of the essence, but I am not impatient.

Hindus believe in yugas or cycles, and I think I just passed Kaliyuga - the cycle of the apocalyptic demon Kali. A cycle of destruction.

Now, it should fall to the Satya Yuga - or the Golden Age. Or the first and most important age. By personal definition, of course.

Satya Yugas are cycles where wisdom and enlightenment rule supreme. Knowledge, meditation and kind acts, blah blah blah.

I look around me, and I breathe in the air. And the smoke, of course. And a sense of calm presides over me. Winamp seems to know my mood.

I may be bad, but I feel good.

Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend

This DRILL! Is MAH SOUL!

Urotsukidoji: Rebirth of the Overfiend

Three years ago, I sealed a part of me in order to obtain something. Well, that's all gone, and I released that side. It is done.

I feel alive again. I feel complete. I feel dangerous. There is electricity in the air. I am living on edge again.

There is nothing you can do to stop me now. No power in the universe can.

I end my turn.

The Path of Nine Kingdoms

I woke up to charge my phone. There is an early morning meeting tomorrow and I have only averaged two hours of sleep every night for the past two weeks.

I believe that we do not allow ourselves to be happy, unless we are true to ourselves and on our own path.

I might be wrong. Maybe there is happiness in denial. Bliss in ignorance. I don't know, and would never know, because of the decisions I made in life counter to that.

I am not sorry that I cannot live like you all do. I am not sorry, that perhaps I have inherited my father's stubbornness.

I cannot compromise on some things, and there are things others value that I do not, and vice versa. It is not a competition about who is right and who is wrong, or who is better. It is just is.

I have learned some things over the years, and perhaps one of the most important is that you can disallow things and people to influence you and your life. Your life is yours and there is nothing anyone else can do about it.

We all have more power over ourselves than we admit or even allow. Because if we recognise that, it means taking responsibility for ourselves and most people do not want to do that. They always want to be told what to do, so they could have someone to blame.

Blame is weak. Blaming shows how weak you are, and none of us are weak, in any capacity. I don't buy into that bullshit. I believe that each and every one of us has the power to change anything. Not everything, though.

As I draw the Tiger Year to a close, I grab the Rabbit by the throat and bite into it.