Somebody once told me, "For everything you do, you must have a purpose."
I was like, "What the fuck?"
I was at that stage in life when I was revelling in doing things just for the sake of it. Drunk with freedom as well as other things, I didn't care what purpose it was for. I became a creature of reaction, and sometimes, pure hate.
And then, I discovered the ego. When things don't have a clear purpose, usually it's because of the ego. It is probably something you are doing the motivations of which are so animalistic, petty and cruel that your human self, your true self, has trouble coming to terms with it. And so you avoid it, so that your conscience won't have to deal with it.
And yet whoop! there it is! In the background, like a cancer that saps away your strength.
Being self-aware means that you realise, acknowledge and come to terms with the reason behind each action you take. You are fully responsible for everything you do. You are in full control.
For a while, this stumped me. I mean, I was afraid that if I were to write anything, then could it be that the motivations are less than benevolent? Could it be that I was just merely reacting to hatred, despair, anger, suffering? Was I trying to be right, feel superior, whatever? Did I want to seem or look superior? Was I being right, making wrong? Was I trying to impose my own judgment on things? Can I trust it to be truly non-emotional?
And so I stopped writing for a while.
I was scared.
And then, I thought, that if all I need is a purpose - a true one and not a makeshift, justification in front of something more malevolent and evil - then I just needed to find out what that purpose is.
The intention has to be clear. Like an odori - a Japanese dance that defines a storyline or plot with each movement. Though I am not THAT gay. Only gay people have the energy to be meticulous at what they do, and even at that, most if not all gender illusionists - a subset of the gay community - have yet to get things right.
I accept that I have no control over the perception of others. They are free to do as they will. To see what they want. There is no right or wrong.
However, on my end, I do have control over the intention of each action. With control, comes power and in turn, responsibility.
Not the kind of responsibility that comes with banging your head against the wall, or sulking in a corner. It's the kind that allows even more freedom.
And freedom, freedom is everything.
