Friday, July 17, 2009

National Pornographic Sexual: The Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud

Early on in life, I had decided that one thing women will have over men is their sex. As in cowgirl, or reverse-cowgirl positions.

I mean, it would be very easy for women to get an advantage by offering or suggesting sex. Especially with a libido as huge as mine.

Therefore, for the past few years, I have decided to train, in the crevices, nooks and crannys of Thailand. I decided to train, with the Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud.

CUE THEME SONG

Tet tet teeee tet! Tet tet tet tee tet tet tet tet teeeee - doong-doong!

I climbed a mountain in Phuket. There are no mountains in Phuket, as they cancelled Thaksin's Hooter's restaurant. But there was one when I was there.

I climbed, for three days and three nights, neither eating, sleeping, drinking, nor masturbating.

I reached the top a haggard man.

The Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud consists of hundreds of prostitu-nuns in neon-lit cloisters with poles in them.

But all their doors were closed, when I reached there, especially that big gold door with red trimmings.

Exhausted from my journey, I sank to my knees and waited.

I had lost track of time when a Whore-Priestess of Shabda-Oud came into view. She was followed by four other whore-priestesses, and they made a Power Rangers pose before the one in red spoke.

Red: You came here?

Me: I...climbed the...mountain because I...heard that...your order is...up here. I wish...to train with...you.

Red: Hiiiii-yah! Your clever disguise will not fool us, William Shatner!

Me: Wait, wait my...speech might seem...similar to William...Shatner but that's just...because I am...breathless from my...climb. For three...days I...had nothing to...drink or eat or...masturbate to. I...am tired.

And with that, I passed out.

When I came to, Red was there, in front of me.

Red: My apologies for mistaking you for William Shatner, Mr Walken.

Me: What? But -

Red: Save it, Mr Walken. Or should I call you Christopher? You need to rest. You have indeed shown your resilience by nor masturbating for three whole days. In a week, we shall begin our training.

And thus, as she said, my training began in a week.

MONTAGE!

Red: These pole dancers will make eyes at you and ask for 'lady drinks' which is nothing but watered-down Coke in shot glasses but costs just the same as a regular drink. You must resist the temptation to buy them any drinks.

Me: Oh...Oh...man, that's gotta hurt! Okay, I'll buy her one.

Red: Didn't you hear what I said?

Me: But she just did a 900 degrees turn on the pole and landed on her vagina, on the hardwood floor.

Red: You have much to learn, young Walken.

TIME!

Black: Women use subterfuge and subtle machinations. They hate each other, and are only loyal to themselves. You must remain sitting in the lotus position as these women give you a lap dance. You must not fuck them.

TIME!

Yellow: You will masturbate as these women lick you and dance for you. You must not come.

Me: That's easy enough.

TIME!

Yellow: Oh, my Lord! You have lasted for over three hours. The Farce is strong with this one.

TIME!

Green: Erogenous zones. Everyone has them, and yet it is different for everyone. We shall find yours, and focus on that. In time, you will be able to move your zones to anywhere on your body.

TIME!

Pink: It is just not the physical bit, but the mental aspect as well. Most of sex happens in the mind. You must train your mind to become more powerful than your base instincts. Learn to control everything.

Me: How?

Pink: Know, realise that sex is only worth RM50.

Me: And in some p-laces, RM6!

Pink: And so, is it worth taking anyone to an expensive restaurant or buying them stuff?

Me: No!

Pink: Therefore, sex is worthless. Some prostitutes-in-denial will try to convince you otherwise, but you know the deal. You know the score.

TIME!

White: Nothing is static. Everything is evolving. Everything is falling apart. His name...was Richard -

Me: You're just reading Fight Club.

White: Shut up! Everything is maya - a falsehood. Nothing exists. Everything is a joke. Even that hot woman over there. You must not deny your lust, but accept its existence. Do not fight it. Only when you are self-aware will your ego and your lust be fully under check.

TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Red: You have been with us for five years now, Young Walken. There is nothing left for us to teach you. Only one thing remains.

Me: Pray tell, Mistress Alpha Female.

Red: Young Walken! Prepare to fight!

Me: Fight what?

Red: Here! The 18 Shabda-Oud Jailbait Formation! 18 virgins under 18 years old will try to make you succumb to their temptations!

Me: Ooooh...yeah...

18 girls under 18 tried everything in their power to get me to jail.

But I got back safe and sound, didn't I? Why? Because five years earlier, I took three days to climb that mountain (even though there was a cable car going up) because I had planted explosives inside the mountain.

I reach for my detonator, depressed the switch, and...

Me: So long, suckers! Literally!

And I jumped as the explosion threw me all the way down to a bar stool in Phuket's Bangla Road.

And so I remain the last student of the ancient secrets of the Whore-Priestesses of Shabda-Oud.

Until their Bangkok charter sent sex-assassins to kill me. But I shall always remember the training by Mistress Alpha Female.

Red: Remember, given a long enough timeline, everyone's survival drops to zero.