Thursday, May 1, 2014

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

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 I can fix my father's roof, but I can't fix my father.

I went home to Kuantan recently, and immediately, as soon as I got off the car, I got really pissed off.

The anger and frustration continued till I went back to KL. This is strange to me, as I was deliriously happy before I went back. Something's not right.

So today I went to the pool to try and figure things out. Eckhart Tolle said that if you think you're so enlightened, go spend a weekend with your family.

My father's sick. He can barely walk. Confined to a wheelchair, but he still refuses to use it. Stubborn old man. What I get from him is this intense frustration. His faculties are fading and he can't communicate as he used to in the past. He'd lose words, sense of time,

As a man who kept a very rigid control of himself and his surroundings, I can imagine his frustrations.

My job involves fixing things. I put out fires, I consult on best practices, finding solutions to editorial and communication - sometimes business - problems. I like it. I thrive on it. It is one of the things that uses my full intelligence. It flexes my considerable mental muscles.

And yet, despite all I have achieved, despite all my skill, I can't make the lives of the people I care about better. I can't rework or regrow the neurons inside my father's aging brain, ravaged by four strokes. I can't cure him of his diabetes. Or his hypertension. Or his heart problems. I can't lend him the strength to walk again, so firmly and sternly.

I can't reach out to my mother and calm her down. Or teach my nephews how to do well in school.

I can't teach people how to be happy and this makes me depressed. Why can't any of you see what I see? Always, spending time with idiots, it is endless competition. It is always the same old bullshit.

I have seen and heard all of everything I see and hear today and next week before and all of you bore me to death. I have heard all the arguments, all the justifications, excuses and bullshit a million times over. I understand the darkness inside everyone's hearts. And I feel suffocated.

If anything, this trip highlighted my limitations, and I hate it. I'm a fixer. I find solutions. I solve problems. If people want to be stupid or if they don't want to listen to me, that's their problem. That's their bullshit stupid monkey lives. I hoped for better things for my family.

Part of growing up is learning to let go. That has always been very difficult for me. I have my father's stubbornness. Friends or even family members won't understand because all of them do not have my insight or my powers of empathy. This is not gloating or a desperate attempt by my ego to feel superior. I don't FEEL superior, I KNOW I'm superior.

And yet, for all my superior attributes, I can't fix my father. Or anyone. This pisses me off. I'm afraid I'll have to let all of you go. May this being called God do a better job than I did.