Monday, September 16, 2013

Hardboiled Friction

It's 4:03am. Am gonna call it an early night.

This is the first weekend in months I have planned to do nothing - ended up doing lots of stuff anyway. But the mental fatigue is clearing, slowly, as I didn't plan on doing any work and as a result, I did not spend time thinking about work.

Just watched The Dark Knight Returns animated adaptation. It's less... gory, dark or sombre. Used to love that comic book. Used to own it as well. Seeing Batman at over 50, battling a world that has left him behind, forgotten him, always touches a nerve.

Some people ask me about my drive. Why I keep on punishing myself with insane workloads. No, those were not questions. They were accusations.

My answer is simple - I want to be able to afford to die.

Right now, I can't. Don't have enough. Working on it.

You see, I don't have anywhere to go back to. If I fail, I can't run back to mommy or call my father and have him pick me up at the bus station or something. They've been very clear on the terms of my freedom. I can do whatever the fuck I want, as long as I do not trouble them.

Quit my job? Go ahead. "Just don't be a burden to me." That's the only message, in those exact words, thrown my way.

I don't expect anything more than that. Or less. I thank them, because I offer them the same.

I don't plan to be a burden to anyone. I'd die before that happens. There, right there, is my greatest fear.

I see lesser minds go through the motions, going in cycles I have completed decades earlier, and I puke. It is condescending, pedantic, but it is true. I have been there before. I have seen it all. And I bore easily.

I see through their little schemes, poking, taunting. As if I am still subject to my ego like I was years ago. Hmph. Primitives. Idiots. Monkeys.

There were these insecure idiots who tried to 'get the better of me' by taunting me to fall into place. They tried some psychological tactics I read when I was 17. Perhaps thinking it is ground-breaking, edgy or something no crazy scientist has tried to study before. Or wrote in books.

You play the antagonist in order to push someone to a corner you believe they should be in. Because humans play roles. They are dependent on roles. On assigned labels. They are too stupid to step back and view everything as a whole. Some are even more retarded. They cannot hold multiple opposing ideas in their heads at the same time. Or switch between multiple roles.

I have been wasting my time, writing about idiots.

Time for sleep. Bed. Soft. Rest.

When I wake up, I want every single one of you monkeys to go fuck yourself.