Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I just went through a very tough period in my life.

I was wrought with guilt. Consumed by guilt. Part of it because of my identification with form. My roles. The ones I play.

Spider-Man's credo - with great powers, come great responsibility - haunted me.

My mind, using my greatest button, began pressing it incessantly. I felt guilty about people's failures and unhappiness. I felt guilty for wishing other people to be unhappy so that I could play superhero again. I felt guilty because I wanted people to do really bad things so that I can be the superhero.

I felt guilty for everything.

Through guilt, my mind pushed my being to identify with being the center of the universe. So that I would lose touch with myself as the universe instead of merely its center.

I became a 'needy little me', and I became fragmented and weak.

My ego was in complete control. And it was pushing me into a nose-dive into despair and delusions.

The key is acceptance. I accessed my 'evil' sides and managed to push the concept of responsibility from being a poisonous element.

When there is no delusional responsibility, there is no guilt. And guilt is just a button the ego pushes, so I'd feel bad.

Without guilt, I am free.

My responsibilities are now very clear. It is just me, not anyone or anything else.

If people want to jump off a building, they can go fuck off and die. If people want to get butt-fucked with a pineapple, then go get butt-fucked by a pineaple.

I got some fan-mail recently, saying they get high, because I get high.

You have no idea how worried I was about that.

But now, if you want to get drunk or high and kill yourself, go right the fuck ahead. I am not responsible for you. So if you want to be so stupid as be drunk or high and drive a car or operate machinery, I do suggest that you kill yourself and remove yourself from the gene pool. In fact, if you have kids, put them in the car and drive off a cliff, will you?

I will not be blamed for other people's stupidity. I will not blame myself, because I am not a superhero. I don't save anyone. Not then, not now. You have a brain, use it. Don't abuse it. Save yourself.

Me? I'm just me, baby. I am more awake than before. Everything that has happened, was necessary to get me where I am today, right now.

I shall wait for tomorrow, patiently. For now, there is only me, and my balls, on the cold living room floor.