Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Notes on the Run

Man, some of my friends are facing life-threatening illnesses. One guy got cancer, another got a heart attack perhaps similar to mine.

I told my sister I wanted to go to their homes and teach them how to cook healthful curries and dishes guaranteed to lower cholesterol levels. She advised me to let them decide what they want to do. It's their life, not mine.

Which is true, of course. But my ego is all based on how everyone else is wrong and I am right. My greatest fear, though, is if this is true. I do not want the responsibility of being the guy who's right all the time.

Unfortunately, I am right. I'm always right, I understand people and people suck. This is the story I tell myself. This is the root of all my stories - that I, a true genius, am surrounded by idiots and people who are wrong. WRONG!

I look at most people, and all I see are masses of insecurities - something I could only recognise because I embody all the same insecurities. Humans are driven by a survival instinct that is designed to fear annihilation. Annihilation can be physical death, being forgotten or deemed unnecessary with no place in society. Annihilation can also be a loss of unique identity - which is why so many people want to be special. Or be told they're special.

This is why, aside from giving them lots of money with which to buy special stuff that perhaps very few can afford, one of the surest ways to fuck a girl is to tell her she's special.

"You're the only one who can make me feel this way."

"Only you, can make the world seem right."

"Only you can make the darkness bright."

"Oh-Ohnly youuuu! Can take me choi sai keng!"

I believe that all feelings and emotions come from within. They are all merely shadow puppets played by our mind, our ego and our own whatever. None of it exists without us telling ourselves one story or another.

Fear, joy, sadness, anger, disgust are all our own reactions created from impulses as directed by our brains based on the stories we tell ourselves. Or maybe Pixar, or is it Disney?

I find that denying emotions make them stronger, but acknowledging them all leads to the one thing I find truly enjoyable - peace.

Peace, to me, is a state of nothingness you discover after accepting the cacophony that is your emotions and the world. Acknowledging and accepting them leads to focus on the void, the space between subjects and objects.

Atoms are constructed mostly of space. If you run a line through the diameter of the nucleus and the electron orbiting it, most of everything is space.

Since most of the world is made up of this void, connecting with it means truly being one with the universe.

And this is where I tell you I will be out of touch for a week or so as I allocate some time to be with my space. If I die, here are my last words: FUCK OFF AND DIE.