Friday, October 31, 2008

Emotional Crip-CAPTAIN PLANET!

When things start to go crazy, I take a walk in the city.

Concrete jungle. Asphalt rivers. Mechanical beasts.

Losing myself in it, I spiral into a...

Captain Planet!

Oh shit, man. I can't feed my ego when something like

Captain Planet!

Is still lodged in my brain.

I can't turn emo. How do I attract girls who basically NEED to see pain?

How do I convince people that I'm a victim and is therefore RIGHT when


...Still makes me laugh.

I can't turn emo. I'm sorry. I'm

Captain Planet!

Girls love emo shit. The more pretentious, the better. Works best with cash and a big dick. Not forgetting a ticket to heaven.


But I can't muster any self-pity or pain or even pretend I'm a victim, like the rest of you because I'm


Well, how about the saddest thing I saw in my life?


No. Nope. Not sad en-


Oh well.






I woke up with a start. Checked my Blackberry (ehem) and it's just five minutes since I fell asleep.

So I went to the toilet and crapped a big one.


Then I smoked a cigarette. And took more painkillers.


So now am waiting for the painkillers to take effect.


And I can't get that stupid Robot Chicken skit out of my head.


I think I'm gonna go to the office tomorrow screaming:


Every chance I get.

Man, I wish I could go on a one month leave and just do nothing. Except fucking. And eating. And drinking. And watching Boston Legal.



The Secret to Heaven: Ban EVERYTHING

First, they want to ban tomboys. Then, they want to ban Yoga. Why? Cause you'd be a Hindu if you practice Yoga.

In a surprising twist, I AGREE with these moves.

Hell, why stop there? Let's ban EVEYRTHING!

First, ban the letter 't' cause it looks like the cross. Using the letter 't' will turn you into a Christian.

Why stop there? Ban the whole fucking language, why dontcha?


And then, did you know that they teach basic religious knowledge of almost ALL major religions in Malaysian schools? Yeah, I remember the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Ways and the Hindu trinity in school.

So, ban schools!


Next up, cross-junctions. Using a cross junction will turn you into a Prebysterian. Or an Episcopalian.


The Internet was designed for use by the US Military. Which are the soldiers of the Devil. Using the Internet will make you a Satan worshipper. Let's ban that as well.


Dressing up as a boy is wrong? What about dressing up as an animal? Forget cross-dressing, dressing up as animals will make you want to fuck an animal. Ban animal cross-dressing.



Thursday, October 30, 2008

How Captain Planet Saved My Day

I was swamped with work when some people tried to push my buttons.

So I went into the toilet, came out, and became CAPTAIN PLANET!

Pusher: Imma push your buttons, yo!


And kicked him in the nuts.


I went out to lunch, and there were these reporters.

Reporter: What do you think about politicians suing media companies?


And kicked her in the crotch.


Reporter: What do you think of the Tun Salleh Abbas case? and the Bar Council's actions?

And kicked her in the crotch.





Suddenly, a suicide backstabber-pretending-to-be-a-victim tried to backstab me.

Suicide-Backstabber: Die, you!


And I kicked her in the crotch.


Then, after work, I went to have dinner at Delicious with a friend. At the other table, some people were being asshole racists and harassing the waitresses in a most condescendingly bad manner.


And I kicked each and everyone of them. In the crotch.





Basically, it was something like this:

Captain Planet!

Captain Planet!



Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Brother Love

One of my former favourite pastimes is pushing other people's buttons.

It gives me a false sense of superiority. To see them flounder about.

I would tell one of my female friends, "I do not believe in love."

And she would launch into a tirade - a TIRADE - on human relationships, meeting the right people, feminism, prostituion, blablablabla.

What I DO believe in, really, is that people do not fall for a person. They fall for an idea.

Essentially, empirically, humans are just meat and bones and skin with holes in them. With air, and sometimes dick going in and out of those holes.

And yes, it is hard to fall for this abomination of nature. Humans urinate, defecate, menstruate, salivate. Humans are slimy. They smell bad. Except for Thai girls. Humans get old, and then they die. And then they smell worse.

So anyway, what people DO fall in love with are the ideas. The idea of a desirable man or woman.

Possibly also the image. And how that image will bind with their self-image as well.

The ideas are the ones we see on TV. Sunset walks on the beach. Valentine's chocolates. Flowers. Poetry. Porn.

Even a more 'realistic' love, with sagging tits and beer bellies and jokes about the human condition.

If this is not true, then why do people wear make-up? People, not just women. To sell the idea of it rather than the real thing. False advertising.

A 'real' pitch would be like, "This ho's wearing push-up bras. She can turn tricks...till she's 45. And then she dies. Then you have to bury her like some cat shit and shit."

"This here dick's got six pack abs. Until he's 45. When it accumulates into a keg. He can ejaculate faster when he's masturbating to porn than he would when he fucks you in the ass. And then...he dies! Cat shit."

So, my points are:

1. Breeding is NOT a good reason to live.
2. Enjoy it while it lasts. After that - cat shit.

Peranti Perantis: Lepasan Arhat

Aku baru terjaga dari mimpi yang dikuasai racauan ubat penenang. Satu hari aku sakit kepala.

Sebagai Deepak Shakur, bacalah Kuliah Syaitan aku:

Sejak lahir, manusia mencari identiti mereka dalam objek.

"Patung Jem and the Holograms AKU.", "Kereta GI Joe AKU." "Rancangan AKU." "Pinggan AKU."

Cuba ambil mainan seorang budak. Kemungkinan besar dia akan merengek kerana "Mainan AKU" diambil.

Walaupun sekejap sahaja, dia akan beralih ke mainan lain tanpa rasa emo atau merengek seperti budak kecik kerana dia memang budak kecik.

Apa yang terjadi ialah budak kecik tadi telah melihat identiti dirinya dalam mainan kepunyaannya. Kalau diambil, maka sebahagian dirinya juga diambil. Dirinya menjadi kurang.

Apabila dewasa, 'mainan AKU' bertukar menjadi 'kereta AKU', 'duit AKU', 'cipap AKU', 'parti politik AKU' dan 'bulu burit AKU', antara lain.

Ini antara sebab sesetengah orang berkelakuan seperti budak kecik apabila sesuatu berlaku kepada 'mainan AKU'.

Mereka berasa yang diri mereka menjadi kurang jika sesuatu diambil dari mereka. Mereka obses mengumpul barang. Mereka pentingkan jenama kerana memikirkan yang jenama akan menambah sesuatu kepada diri mereka.

Betul ke? Entah. Mungkin? Aku tak tau.

Apa yang aku tau, ini ialah antara sebab rasa perkauman wujud di Malaysia.

"Duit AKU." "Tanah AKU." "hak-hak AKU."

Pada mana-mana pihak, jika diambil, akan menjadikan mereka kurang.

Kalau balik semula ke mana-mana agama, pendapat ini bercanggah.

Dalam Islam, hak milik semuanya Tuhan yang punya. Bukan Ahmad Albab yang punya.

Buddhism (yang sebenar) berkata yang keinginan dan nafsu yang sentiasa wujud dalam diri manusia adalah punca kesedihan. Manusia senantiasa berada dalam keadaan dukkha.

Agama Hindu juga tidak selari dengan ketamakan. Malah, pemikiran manusia pun dikira delusional. Minda itu maya, kata mereka.

Kereta Mercedes membawa kebahagiaan?

Iya? Bagaimana?

Kereta Mercedes menunjukkan yang aku berjaya. Aku lebih berjaya, jadi aku LEBIH DARI KAU. Sanjunglah aku?

Salah beli kereta mahal? Tak. Cuma, kalau kebahagiaan itu dilekatkan pada berapa banyak minyak harus diisi dalam tangki, nanti susah kalau jadi kemalangan, atau kalau harga minyak naik.

Jadi semua orang kena jadi sami Shaolin lepas tu belajar Kung Fu la ye?

Tak jugak.

Cuma mungkin relaks sikit kalau dalam hal menentukan hak yang asalnya pun bukan milik kita. Yang satu hari nanti terpaksa kita lepaskan.

Mampukah orang yang tamak berasa puas?

Aku nak seks! Aku nak seks! Jilat biji kelentit! Jilat biji kelentit! Anal sex! Anal sex!

Jap. Aku nak pergi recharge Blackberry AKU.

Nota: Sebahagian kandungan diambil dari A New Earth


Man, I feel like shit.

My head throbs and any sudden movement or a Limp Bizkit song make me wanna puke.

Called in sick today. I can't go to work. Fuck!

Am waiting for a friend to come over, so I can hitch a ride to the clinic. I need more painkillers.

So to pass the time, am picking fights with PR supporters. On my Blackberry.

They're so easy and stupid. They actually care about what bad things people say about their party.

And they have a need to be SEEN as right.

Oh, man. What an easy target. Easier than BN.

And I can do all this while lying flat on my back, my head splitting open.

Now, imagine if I have two million bucks.

Honestly, though, I don't really mind who governs the country. If the people decided it so, then so be it.

BN, PR? They're ALL politicians. They're people. And people cannot be trusted.

I believe in cycles.

First, the idealistic revolutionary whatever. Then the hypocrisy sets in. Then, full-blown corruption.

We have seen this before. Over and over again.

The Russian revolution. The French. Even here.

All initial intentions were good. And then?

Pak Samad or was it A Samad Said wrote, "Semua yang baru akan bertukar menjadi buruk." or "All that is new will one day become old."

No system is perfect. No one is. And public perception is as fickle as a cunt in a dick hurricane. Morals are abitrary and they change with the times. At one point, it was legal and possibly encouraged to marry a girl younger than 18.

My father and his friends played 'sorok-sorok' with a widower. At 15!

Nothing is static. Nothing is permanent. Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.

Omnia mutantor, nihil inherit. Everything changes, nothing is truly lost.

SO what do we have?

We have that period between the new and the old. To ensure that at least SOME things are not repeated. At least not so soon.

Our world is a cyclic, open-ended system. It's silly. It's stupid, sometimes mean-spirited. But it can be beautiful at times. Especially when it comes to orgasms. And the sooner any bunch of new leaders and new Governments realizes this, the slower they would descend into complacency, routine and bad habits. That gap can be longer.

I have been accused of not having a stand. I do. I trust no one. And I take nothing for granted. Sometimes, I do, and that is where I need to learn until I no longer do that. Or at least the gap between one incident and the next would be longer.

And the only cure for people being people is STILL a nuclear war. Before that happens, there is everything else.

Clit Meister Sexay

This headache is keeping me up, so I am here just to say one thing:

I'm the clit-fucking-master! Master of the Clit, yo!

Clit-meister Sexay!

There has never been a clit that has left me without tipping for a full service.

I am so fucking great.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008



I have a headache.

A splitting headache. My stool has also been loose. My shit is like mashed potatoes. I took two painkillers I have lying around.

It helped, but I think I may be coming down with something.

How will Malaysia, or the world, for that matter, survive without me? Man, I am so important.

A Precedented Attack on the Free World

I was about to go to sleep when I got pissed off with democracy and capitalism.

Fuck democracy. Fuck capitalism.

You know what we need? Giant robots. Something a 'free' market will never produce.

Now, with total control from some centralised bullshit, orders can be sent for death slaves to work on giant robots.

These robots must be bipedal, except a few that should be in hard shells. Each giant robot must have a voice-activated death ray the size of the SMART tunnel. On its crotch.

And then ejac - I mean, fire - at the opposition fuckers.







Monday, October 27, 2008

A Deepavali Special

The main flavour of this blog is to shock and awe. And sometimes, awwwww. SO prepare to be shocked and awed. And fucked up the ass.

Before Deepavali ends, I would like to say Happy Deepavali and goodbye to a man who has made Malaysian politics a colourful, comical, and delightfully ridiculous show on earth.

Happy Deepavali, Datuk Seri S Samy Vellu. Or as I would call him, Pretty Soldier Samy V.

For five thousand years, Samy Vellu has been a mainstay of Malaysian politics and the BN government. He was the Works Minister, which used to oversee that huge organisation - JKR.

WHat is JKR, you ask?

Well, in Kuantan, JKR is known as Jangan Kerja Rajin. Jika Kerja Rajin, Jentera Kita Rosak. Jurutera Kita Risau. Jadi Kita Relaks.

Samy Vellu's soundbites were almost always good.

"Kalau hari-hari hujan, siapa salah? Tuhan salah?"

A lot of people accused him of corruption. To date, none of those accusations were proven.

Whether he did or did not, he sure was funny!

I believe that the Malaysian political landscape is becoming more vicious and dangerous, without the accidental humour provided by Samy Vellu.

His (full) exit (probably next year) will leave a comical vacuum which other politicians will struggle to fill.

Farewell, swe-um. Farewell, prince. Anggamah would have been proud.

Tales from the Drunk Side: Happy Deepavali

Rather lugubrious at the moment.

Feel like puking.

Temperature, normal. Yet, sweating.

Pulse is steady at...what the fuck?

"It's not neurological."

Fuck you neurological.

"It's not Lupus, either. Definitely not MS."

"We scamnned for infections, parasites, allergy pads say nada. Nothing. Zip."

"African sleeping sickness?"


No fucking way. No needles on my fucking spine. Lumbar Puncture me, and I'll desanguinate your dick.


"Stress test, then?"

Already went on the treadmill, bro.

Suddenly, a robot from the Star Wars movies burts through the door.

"He has lost the will to live!"

Fuck you. You're a medical robot with advanced technology coursing through your wires, and the best diagnosis you can give is 'lost the will to live'? What the fuck, man?

Screw all this motherfucking motherfucker.

"The legislature of Massachusets bans super-powers, whether natural or artificial."

Fuck you.

"It's like taking drugs in sports, but in real life. ALL the time."

Suck my bulbous dick.

"You're a hoot. You know that? You're a hoot with a capital 'H'."

What you're saying is basically to outlaw evolution, which is against article 153 of the Constitution. Should Usain Bolt be stripped of his gold medals because he was born to run faster than anyone else? The 'no powers' law is both unconstitutional and silly.

See this boot? Well, now you see it, but pretty soon, you won't, cause it will be shoved so far up your ass you'll need a dentist to remove it.

"Argggh! Involuntary sodomy! Rape! Rape!"

Sodomy? Rape? Get me Anwar's lawyer.

"It's the sodomy signal, let's go!"

"Atomic batteries full power, turbines full speed."

"Roger, ready to back up. Hehe."

Okay. Time to sleep.

Happy Deepavali. Again. I think.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Happy Deepavali

To all my Indian friends, enemies, and whoever celebrates Deepavali:

Happy Deepavali.

May the light shine forever.

Save Me, Save the World

Give me two million bucks, and the world will be saved.

I am now working towards my goal of getting two million, cash.

When I get that, I can drop everything and be a superhero.

I can use 500K for a house and a car, and another 500K for my expenses and tax up to 5 years.

The other 1 million I will invest. In 5 years, at a modest estimate, I'd be making 1.46 million. Enough for another 5 years.

That's all I'd ever need. To remove myself from the rat race and be a full-fledged superhero.

I am not greedy, and I would not need anymore money for myself.

I will be corruption proof as I would not take any bribe.

Then I would be ready to do the projects I have always wanted to do.

Food banks, charity grocery stores, fish farming projects, agricultural shit, fundraising.

I have enough contacts to make it happen. Enough skills, enough knowledge.

The poor in Malaysia have skills and whatnot. What they don't have is someone to manage their efforts. And to get them even more skills to do their shit.

Our government and various bodies have done some good, but they failed at the implementation level. They suck at execution.

Top-bottom has failed. It's time for a bottom's up approach. Politicians and politics have failed us.

Field agents need to educate the Government and other bodies what these people really need.

What they need is a bunch of superheroes running around in bright green spandex.

In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape our sight. Let those who believe in evil's might; beware our power - Green Lantern's light!

As part of the Green Lantern Corps, us superheroes will guide the money to where it should go.

Not for sons and daughters of millionaires, but to those who really need help.

It will be like a virus. In five years, the wave will infect the whole country.

The nation will be infested with superheroes. Racism will be kept at bay. Diseases like cholera and malnutrition will go down and probably be extinct.

There will be more balance in the force.

Freed from the shackles of hatemongering and race-based politics, politicians will finally be forced to do their real work - setting up infrastructures and platforms for the civilisation to grow.

When people have enough food and necessities, they would be more inclined to escape being victims and trying to destroy other people due to sheer jealousy.

More exposure to the world will also result in a more open and tolerant society.

Politicians and the people can then usher in a golden age of technology.

Where hydrogen-fuel cell flying cars are stacked 16 stories high, travelling at speeds over 200km/h.

Healthier people will live till 200.

A world of marvels and miracles.

IF you give me two million bucks.

I mean hey, what have you got to lose? You're still stuck in this shithole anyway.

I, Uatu

I am the Watcher.

Of Heroes and Boston Legal and House.

Sometimes, I also watch humans.

Humans have always fascinated me. They play games. A lot. And sometimes, they hurt themselves, and others, simply because it fits into their macabre desire for the game.

For example, I have seen people construct complicated relationships with elaborate illusions, imaginary faces and whatnot, just so that other people will look at them and say, "My oh my, there goes a happy whatever."

Yep. Their energies, their time, their money, their emotion, their everything, simply for other people to invest two seconds a year, or less, thinking about them in a certain way.

These are The Pretenders. Maybe.

Then, there are The Victims.

Victims are addicted to drama. They need to feel pain. They need to feel that they are wronged.

So they go and hook up with people who will give them this feeling. Either an abusive partner, or someone they can complain about.

Why? Because it takes the attention and the focus away from them and their own fuck-ups. Their own insecurities.


And then, there are the Righteous Motherfuckers.

Righteous Motherfuckers (RM) are people who have a need to be right and impose their thoughts and emotions on other people. Everyone MUST agree with them or they are WRONG.

Sometimes, I also call them Femi-Nazis or PIS-M fuckers.

They constantly demand updates from other people on what they are doing. They have a need to know how fucked up everyone's lives are. So they can feel better about themselves.

In essence, RMs are very similar to Victims.

If these people REALLY do not want what they are having, they would have taken steps to get out of that position already. But they don't, because it works for them.

Oh well.

Knock yourself out. I am not here to judge. No one can judge you. I am only here, to Watch.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Jalan Syurga Tidak Terbatas

Masa aku muda-muda dulu, aku diberitahu yang aku hendak masuk syurga.

"Iya ka?" aku tanya Ustad aku.

"Syurga ada tiga sungai - satu madu, satu susu, satu arak."

"Iya? Kat kampung saya pun ada sungai jugak. Sungai Pahang. Sungai Kuantan. Sungai Riau."

"Syurga best, sehelai janggut dapat 50,000 bidadari."

"Kalau perempuan dapat apa? Bidadara?"

"Syurga tu misteri Tuhan. Kau tak patut tanya. Nanti tahulah, kalau kau masuk syurga."

Kau tak patut tanya.

Itu komen yang biasa aku dapat. Jangan tanya. Jangan fikir.

Tapi aku tanya jugak soalan-soalan yang membuatkan ustad-ustad aku marah.

"Kalau masuk syurga, kita dapat apa-apa kita nak kan? Kalau saya nak SDF-1? Pastu saya nak Veritech fighter. Boleh ka?"

Sampai satu tahap dalam hidup aku, aku give up.

Dengan segala dosa yang aku buat, aku bagitau je kat sesapa, "Aku kemungkinan besar masuk neraka."

Perempuan-perempuan Melayu yang perasan masuk syurga semua menyampah. Aku tak rasa salah pun, pasal aku lebih suka berterus-terang daripada berpura-pura baik lepas tu korek jubur diorang atas motor.

Sampai la satu hari, aku pergi ke Thailand. Aku lepak dengan pelacur sana. Diorang tau banyak tempat best dan murah.

Yang bestnya pasal pelacur-pelacur Siam ialah kapasiti otak mereka ada yang melampaui kapasiti pemikiran gadis-gadis Melayu yang aku jumpa. Yang asyik cakap pasal kahwin dan membiak. Tak salah, kahwin atau membiak. Cuma not my thing. Dan salah kalau menyusahkan orang.

Kami berbincang mengenai keadaan ekonomi Thailand, politik mereka dan bagaimana Raja Siam membuat program amal untuk rakyat Thailand.

Kadang-kadang, kami berbincang mengenai agama. Kat sana, kau boleh register dua agama. Jadi ramai pelacur Siam beragama Islam yang aku jumpa. Islam-Buddha kebanyakkannya.

"Masa aku muda-muda dulu, aku diberitahu yang aku hendak masuk syurga," aku bagitau diorang.

"Takde orang pernah tanya aku pun, sama ada aku betul ke nak pergi syurga? Nampak macam ke neraka je."

Jawapan-jawapan yang aku dapat dari pelacur Siam memang jauh lagi bagus dari jawapan ustad-ustad aku.

"Syurga dan neraka, kalau wujud pun, siapa yang tentukan?" mereka tanya aku.

"Kalau wujud? Tuhan. Tuhan yang tentukan."

"Jadi itu bukan persoalan kita, kan? Persoalan kita ialah macamana nak hidup dengan baik kat dunia ni."

Akhirnya. Aku mendapat jawapan yang memuaskan hati aku. Bukan dari Arab Saudi, bukan dari masjid, gereja, kuil atau pokok Bodhi. Aku jumpa jawapan spirituality aku di belakang lorong yang kotor, lepak dengan orang-orang mabuk yang menjual puki demi membeli semangkuk kari ayam hijau.

Aku tak payah peduli langsung pasal syurga dan neraka pasal itu memang bukan hal aku. Aku punya kerja, aku punya tanggungjawab, ialah untuk hidup sebaik yang aku mampu.

Hanya Tuhan yang layak menghakimi aku. Bukan orang PIS-M, bukan Anwar Ibrahim, bukan Makcik Bedah Mulut Jubur. Bukan orang Arab. Bukan ahli politik. Hanya Tuhan.


Selama ini aku memang membantah agama yang dijadikan adat. Kitab-kitab suci dijadikan buku mantera.

"Baca ayat ni 1,000 kali, lepas tu muncul raksasa depan kau yang akan bagi kau emas sedulang."

Apabila agama yang tidak berjasad, diberikan jasad dalam bentuk magik dan sihir.

Dulu aku marah gila. Tapi sekarang aku cuma memerhatikan mereka yang ingin menyaksikan mukjizat setiap hari.

Lantak ko lah. Untukmu agama mu, untukku agama ku.

Apa yang aku faham, agama yang benar ialah agama yang logik. Dan aku berpendapat yang semua adat istiadat dalam mana-mana agama mengaburi intipati sebenar agama tersebut.

Bukan pasal pakai macam Arab. Bukan pasal masuk PIS-M. Masuk PIS-M tak bererti masuk syurga. Jadi pelacur tak bererti masuk neraka.

Kahwin, membiak, tak bererti akan dapat apa-apa. Belum tentu, brader.

Kalau tolong orang, niat pasal nak masukkan diri sendiri dalam syurga, adakah itu dikira mulia atau dikira pentingkan diri sendiri? Entah.

Aku tulis semua ni pasal dalam masa setahun lebih, aku akan masuk 30. Aku nak tutup bab spirituality search dalam hidup aku. Aku dah dapat menerima yang apa-apa dalam kawalan aku cumalah tindakan aku di dunia.

Tak payah aku nak harap balasan syurga atau neraka.

Bila dah mampus nanti, nak masuk syurga ke, neraka ke, lubang gelap ke, atau tidur je tak bangun-bangun, itu bukan masalah aku. Pedulittaik aku?

Captain's Log

Today, I crapped a big one.

I was sitting on the primum mobile and I just let the piece of shit out, slowly. At first, it was a struggle. And then, I waited as inch by inch, the huge piece of shit exited my rectum.

After the full minute it took to exit my body, I felt a calm set over me, a relief, as if I had meditated under the Bodhi tree for 45 years.

It was a fantastic, epic, bowel movement.

In the glowing aftermath, I sat on the couch, clean as a newborn babe, with the fans turned on, and I watched Discovery. And smoked.

This, my friends, is living the life.

An epic shit, Discovery Channel and a cigarette.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

In Defence of Rocky

If you haven't noticed, Rocky has been getting flamed on his blog. Why? From what I gather, because he does not support the decision by Teresa Kok to sue Utusan Malaysia, Chamil Wariya, Syed Ali Alhabshee and maybe several other people - going at the rate her lawyer has been serving letters - for hundreds of millions od ringgits.

They accuse him of wanting the GEIC post - that's Group Editor in Chief, yo! - at NSTP. So I asked him, via Blackberry:

Me: Rocky, are you going to be the next GEIC?

Rocky: No, but you can start buttering me up to be safe.

Me: Why would I want to be safe?

I don't know what Rocky is thinking, but I do know that I do not agree with promoting a multi-million dollar lawsuit culture in Malaysia.

That's American culture. That's Lee Kuan Yew culture.

More disturbing than the Paris Hilton sex-tape or the thought of a Lee Kuan Yew sex-tape.

If you want to promote Press freedom, suing them for millions would not make that happen. What it COULD do is cower the papers into not saying anything anymore. If more and more people sue the papers, it would have the reverse effect of Press freedom.

They'd just give up.

If you are saying that the Press is controlled by political parties, then sue the political parties. Prove your claim. Sue the Malaysian Government.

I mean, they did not carry headlines that say, "I HATE KOK" or "KOK IS DYSFUNCTIONAL" or "KOK WILL NOT RISE IN PARLIAMENT" or something. The so-called 'transgressions' are minor at best.

Look at what Dr M did, not Lee Kuan Yew. When the alternative Press, at its infancy, portrayed him as the Sith Lord Palpatine, a porn star with the name BabyCheDet - complete with doctored photos - or simply Maha-Zalim, he just took it in his stride.

He was cool.

Dr M was like, "Kembaaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya." and shit.

He never did censor anything on the net. Or he did it so successfully that no one noticed. There were raids, I heard, but the sites were allowed to carry on as usual.

Because anything you fight will get bigger. You cannot crush something that dominates your days, weeks and years. Because lawsuits like this will take years, maybe decades to be resolved.

All that time. What a waste.

Teresa Kok might be wasting her time when she can do so much with her constituencies. For her constituencies.

Oh well.

That's the way it goes.

I will no longer write about Teresa Kok. Not for anything. Knock yourself out, man.

Peranti Perantis: Hasad Dengki dan Rasa Tidak Yakin

Hidup dalam dunia Melayu, aku dapati, penuh cabaran. Sebenarnya, hidup dalam dunia. Period.

Antara yang paling getir ialah perasaan hasad dengki dan rasa tidak yakin pada diri sendiri. Ini kita dapat lihat dari segi luaran dan dalaman.

Dari segi luarannya, ramai orang yang kita jumpa akan mempunyai perasaan hasad dengki dan ketidak-yakinan pada diri sendiri. Mereka ialah orang yang selalu membanding-banding, "Kereta dia lagi besar dari aku ke? Gaji dia lagi banyak ke? Bini dia rambut lagi besar ke?"

Semua persoalan yang membakar jiwa mereka ini akan menyebabkan mereka menghakimi orang lain. Kemudian mereka akan cuba:

1. Menjatuhkan orang lain.
2. Memfitnah orang lain.
3. Mentertawakan orang lain.
4. Mengambil tahu hal orang lain.
5. Sentiasa bercakap mengenai orang lain.
6. Bertepuk-sorak atas nasib malang orang lain.

Mereka akan menunggu dengan tangan bersedia untuk bertepuk sekiranya orang lain dijahanamkan atau menjahanamkan diri sendiri.

Yang taksub juga akan cuba mensabotaj orang lain agar dirinya kelihatan lebih baik. Kerana mereka yakin yang diri mereka tidak boleh diperbaiki lagi, maka mereka cuba menjahanamkan orang lain.

Tak kira sama ada kau lebih baik atau lebih buruk dari mereka, inilah apa yang mereka akan lakukan.

Ini lumrah manusia. Kau boleh menjerit kepada Tuhan, dalam hujan, sambil diiringi lagu Tamil, bertanya "Kenapaaaaa???!!! Kenapaaaaaaa????!!!! KENAPAAAAA??????!!!!!111ONEONE11ELEVENONE!!!"

Kau boleh jadi emo, kalau kau nak. Takde bezanya. Takde gunanya.


"Macamtulah, brader," kata Buddha.

Kalau dari segi dalaman pula, kau, sebagai manusia, tidak boleh tidak akan juga mempunyai potensi untuk mempunyai emosi yang sama. Hasad dengki. Rasa tidak yakin. Ya. Kau juga ada penyakit yang sama.

"Judge ye not, lest ye be judged," kata Jesus. Atau, "Janganlah kamu menghakimi sesama manusia, kelak kamu juga akan dihakimi."

Dalam erti kata lain, ko pun sama.

Jadi, relaks. Bertenang. Berukera dari Planet Zargus berada di mana-mana. Ini planet mereka.

Kalau kau taknak bertenang pun, cuba amati persona yang tak bertenang itu. Asingkan dari diri kau. Itu bukan diri kau yang sebenarnya. Itu ego.

Ambillah nasihat bapak aku:

"Peduli taik aku?" atau "Pedulittaik aku." Ada sabdu.

Pergi mampus sama orang lain. Ko kecoh buat apa? Lantaklah si celaka-celaka itu semua. Kalau kau bazirkan masa dengan memberi perhatian kepada hasad dengki dan rasa tidak yakin si celaka-celaka itu, sampai bila pun kau takkan ber-evolusi.

Berukera-berukera ini sentiasa perlukan perhatian, seperti manusia perlukan udara. jadi, kalau kau tak bagi diorang perhatian, dan fokus kepada benda yang kau hendak, maka kewujudan mereka akan terhakis dan apa yang kau nak akan terpacul di depan mata dengan lebih cepat.


Kalau kau fokus pada sesuatu benda, benda itu akan muncul.

Orang Islam kata doa. The Secret cakap Law of Attraction.

Kalau kau nak BMW, kau fokus kat kereta tu. Rasa macam kau dah dapat. rasa macam dah bawak. lama-lama, bila kau fokus, otak kau yang tak-sedar akan mula memberi input macamana nak berada dalam keadaan yang kau impikan. Kau akan dapat idea. Kau akan perasan lebih benda.

Contoh: sebelum aku kerja dekat farmasi, jadi cashier, aku tak pernah perasan pun farmasi-farmasi ni. Lepas tu, benda pertama aku perasan kat mana-mana barisan rumah kedai ialah berapa banyak farmasi dia ada.

Masa aku shopping, aku perasan perubahan teknologi dan protokol mesin juruwang dan juruwangnya sekali. AKu perasan bila si cashier tu curi duit.

Aku nak jadi jutawan. Aku fokus. Dalam masa enam bulan lepas, aku jumpa banyak cara nak jadi jutawan. Belum ada pun yang berjaya, tapi hanya masa sahaja menjadi penghalang. Takde kaitan dengan MLM, ya. Aku menyampah MLM.

Lupa la pulak pasal orang yang dengki dan tidak yakin pada diri sendiri.


Pergi mampuslah diorang. Aku banyak kerja lain.

Aku nak jadi superhero. Aku nak jadi jutawan. Pedulittaik aku?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

All About Me, Dogg!

Fuck all this Teresa 'Terasa' Kok and her multi-million dollar lawsuits. Fuck racism.

Let's talk about a more brilliant subject - ME.

Writing was NOT my strong point. I sucked real bad in primary school. In fact, it was my weakest subject.

Then, in secondary school, I decided it was time to get better at it. So that's what I did. I got better at it.

From then on, I have always believed that anyone can do anything, if they put their mind to it. It is the willingness to get down and dirty and put in the time that makes the difference between someone who can, and someone who wish they could.

I don't know French. But if I focus on it for a few weeks, I am confident I will be speaking as fluently as any Parisienne. Complete with moue, yo!

If I study capoeira, I will be an expert in a year.

I know jack shit about chemicals, but if I apply myself to it, I'll be a leading expert in two years.

Because I believe in one thing - everything is logic. Everything. If it makes sense, it's logic, and a string of logic is called knowledge. Ingrained knowledge is skill. High levels of skill is known as gifted, or talented.

I see everything this way.

Cause when you have this mentality, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can't master. Anything one man can do, another can replicate.

You just need to see how their minds work.

If you want to write, do not simply read books you like and enjoy the story. Climb into the mind of the author and see what he sees when he wrote it. Think what he thinks.

Same thing with everything. There is a reason why someone did a stroke this way or that on a painting. A reason why he or she wrote this or that. A reason why a word is such.

The whys and the hows are within our grasp. Then the what comes skipping gaily forward. Observe. See. Feel. Think.

The who are almost always irrelevant. Because it could have been anybody. I do not trust the who. No, not The Who. The who.

Whoever the fuck is irrelevant. Too much noise. Too much data. Too much emotion. It distracts from the real purpose.

And when you already have the what, the whys, the hows and the when and wheres, the who will reveal itself. Eventually. Because man is made up of all these things. The sum of its parts.

That's why I am very confident that given enough time and resources, I can master anything.

I have no fear of knowledge or skills.

Amadeus Revisited

In my 17th year, when I was supposed to take my SPM examinations, Telekom and a host of other big companies came to my school.

They came to find malaysia's best and brightest. They would interview us, and those who excel during the interviews would be given scholarships and given a job when they graduate.

I got on some of those interviews, thinking this would make my career and fulfill my dreams of becoming super-rich and eventually be a super-hero.

I didn't get any, of course. The interviewers were perhaps a bit worried with my anti-Governemnt stance or more plausibly, they were simply not impressed.

Fast forward 11 years later, I compare my life with those who DID get the money, and I decided that I prefer being where I am. Not that I 'win' in any way, but just that I prefer to live my life this way, as they may prefer to live their lives safe in a multi-national company.

If I had taken the opportunity and excelled in the interviews, I would have been bonded for several years and I would never have joined The Malay Mail and become a writer.

Back in college, my final year project was 'An Intelligent Tutoring System for Modern Anime Literature'. Using ASP and Oracle, I constructed a system for university students to attend virtual classes, take virtual exams and for them to get assignments from the lecturer.

It even has its own e-mail and message board system.

All coded by me. Alone. From scratch. I AM THAT DAMN GOOD.

It was one of the few final-year projects that actually worked. It impressed my lecturer so much that she offered me to go to an IT convention in Portugal.

Had I gone, I would have been recruited by a multi-national company, or I could simply sell the system as a skeleton for distance learning or an added module to help lecturers - a teaching aid - in many universities.

It has its own artificial intelligence and can mark SUBJECTIVE answers, not just multiple-choice.

And as an added bonus, I made sure that the lecturer and the admin can change the content of the entire course to suit their needs. The system can also generate graphs for lecturer analysis.

The lecturer also wanted to continue developing the system after I graduated, so it could be improved and more features could be added.

If I had applied for a Masters degree, I would have gotten her backing and continue developing the system for my master's thesis and possibly a doctorate. In 10 years, it would have been ready for mass application at numerous locations.

It would also be fitting. My father was a teacher, and so is half of my family. Had I continued down that path, I would have been an evolved educator.

After thinking about it, I said no.

I had already made my decision to be a writer - consequences be damned.

So the next step was to work as a cashier at a pharmacy. I was taking in roughly 600 bucks a month.

I worked for a food guide for which the only pay I got was the food I ate during restaurant reviews.

A far cry from Portugal and all its chicks, right?

Well, the path I chose, furnished by Neil Gaiman and Lee Siew Lian and Zainal Alam Kadir and Rocky took me to The Malay Mail, later to form my own company, and then to where I am right now. A solid six years of puking blood. And writing. And dealing with people.

I often think back at those 'missed opportunities' and they do not seem like 'missed opportunities' at all. Just paths I did not take. Lives I did not live.

I am sure that in a few years, I will also look at 'missed opportunities' and see where the universe has taken me, or could have taken me.

Believe it or not, I am an optimist. I take enormous risks. I take chances. I hardly stop at 17, thinking the next card could be a 4.

I am truly Amadeus - loved by God. And I am grateful for that.

Today, my father called and thanked me. He was here for the weekend and I bought him a bunch of stuff. The biggest gift, though, was staying up all night - he complains of insomnia, yet drinks 10 cups of coffee everyday - and talking to him.

I showed him a world of wonder. A world of marvels and miracles. My vision of what the world SHOULD be.

Flying cars that run on hydrogen fuel cells. Single moms getting a triple degree from the comforts of their own homes. The television as it was intended to be - an educational instrument of great worth.

The emancipation of robots and artificial life-forms. The consolidation of the human race as a single, non-ethnic entity.

And other stuff I found on youtube.

I lived a blessed life. And I think it can only get better.

Semusim di Syurga: Surat Cikgu Ansai

Aku masih teringat kata-kata Cikgu Ansai.

Sebenarnya, kata-kata Cikgu Ansai semasa dia membaca surat dari murid kesayangannya yang telah lepas belajar ke Amerika.

"Saya ingat, apabila saya menghirup udara di sini, saya akan dapat melompat dengan lebih tinggi," Cikgu Ansai membaca surat tersebut. Penuh hiba.

Cikgu Ansai sebenarnya ialah jurulatih bola keranjang dalam siri komik SlamDunk. Rupanya macam Colonel Sanders.

Dia menasihatkan anak didiknya agar duduk di Jepun dan memperkuatkan kemahiran bermain bola keranjang, kerana tiada siapa yang akan membantunya di Amerika Syarikat.

"Siapa yang melatihnya cara balingan setiap hari?" Tanya Cikgu Ansai.

"Siapa yang mengawal makanannya?"

"Siapa yang menyuruhnya agar membuat latih tubi?"

Setiap kali aku mendapat tawaran untuk ke luar negara, aku teringat surat Cikgu Ansai.

Adakah aku berpendapat kalau aku pergi ke negara X, aku akan dapat ber Y dengan lebih bagus?

Kerana semua itu datang dari dalam, bukan dari angin negara lain. Kecuali Honduras, yang anginnya nipis. Honduras, kan? Ala, pasukan bolasepak Amerika Selatan yang Brazil pun susah nak kalahkan tu. Pasal main atas gunung.

Aku masih ingat surat Cikgu Ansai.

Tapi, bakat genius seperti aku pastinya akan berkembang di luar sana. Akulah bakat! BAKAT!

Monday, October 20, 2008


Some people were surprised that I went and backed the Malays during the recent onslaught. They thought I was anti-Malay.

I'm not anti-malay. I'm anti-stupid. And since I'm surrounded by Malays, I tend to see more of their stupidity.

I don't agree with the special place of marriage. I don't agree with breeding. I don't agree with the NEP. I don't agree with people blaming the Malays for the NEP, the Chinese or any other race. I think it's stupid. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna go and stop people from doing it.

Knock yourself out, man. People usually have an over-inflated sense of value. They do not realize that we are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. They actually think they matter?

Humans are basically pieces of meat with holes in them.

I have my thoughts about Islam as it is practised in this country as well. I do not agree with treating the Koran as some sort of spellbook in Harry Potter. But hey, that's the way some people want to practice their religion.

I'm not gonna be some PIS-M fucker who plays God and decrees who goes to hell and who doesn't. Go ahead, man. Read. Read, in the name of thy God. Read in peace.

Going international, the group of people who usually pisses me off are the atheists. Some of them go and try to prove everyone else's religions as wrong - WRONG! That they're right. That because they're right, everyone should kowtow to them.

What assholes.

They're worse than the religious funda-mentals. Worse than terrorists. Cause terrorists just kill people. These guys annoy me. Terrorists never killed me. If they did, I'd be pissed off as hell. Atheists annoy me constantly.

And when I say atheist, it's usually some 14-year-old kid who found out it's cool to laugh at other people while jacking off to Jessica Alba in a bikini.

Been there, done that. Grow up, bitch.

And then there are people all over the world who play 'hump the white Gods'. Again, your choice, you subservient, self-loathing, brainwashed pieces of shit. Tongue that rectum! Tounge it!

White people are just like you and me. There are some great ones, and there are some who are just as fucked up as everyone else. Treating them any different is racism.

I am never impressed by any race. Except for Thais. And Estonians. Thais have no smell. Mmmmmm...And Estonians look as if they were made in a candy shop. Mmmm...candy...

And for some reason I can't fathom, I like Chinese. Like in that Monty Python song.

Return of Interracial Fucking

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Calm the fuck down, bra!


Oh well. That's the way it goes.

Teresa Kok just sued Chamil Wariya over what to me is a very bad piece of fiction. She also sued Syed Alhabshee's announcement to create the Tabung Azan. All these on top of suing Utusan malaysia for RM30 million.

I can understand her actions, though I stand by my earlier thought of just suing for cost. But the word 'lawsuit' can be deemed similar to attack, and she could very well be walking in to a trap.

Even though I hate politicians, I do not want to see Teresa Kok harmed in any way, and I don't think it's right to feed her 'food fit for dogs' (boiled eggs) either.

And I believe the ISA should only be put under the care of people like me. Who know how to use it properly.

And I do not believe she should have filed those lawsuits. It can be politicised, demonising her actions, and the tragic conclusions of the short story could be acted out in real life.

That is not something I want to see.

Why can't people just be like my parents? They're Malay and Chinese. And they get along. As well as any couple do approaching their 50th year together. In fact, I am closer to my Chinese side of the family. Cause they like to visit us and shit.

I like my Chinese friends, and I'd like to fuck some of them. Why can't Syed Alhabshee just marry Teresa Kok and have it done with? All this sexual tension is not good for the country.

Peace through marriage, like the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They're back!

Truth is, man, being both Malay and Chinese, the problems are not that different. Each group is jealous and afraid that the other is getting a better deal.

Just calm the fuck down and observe, realize that everyone else is as fucked up as you are. Chances are, you are better off than them. You're NOT a victim. No one is. The fear and suspicion is just your ego telling you that you are afraid.

Which brings me back to the original solution for this country's race problems: mass, coordinated interracial fucking.

When you fuck someone of a certain race, you cannot hate that race completely.

I do not hate the Chinese, the Malays, the Kelabits, Kelantanese, Thais, Cambodians, Kadazans, New Zealanders, Aussies, Estonians and people of mixed parentage.

I just can't.

So just go Caligula once or twice a month, sponsored by a telco, at Stadium Putra, and problems would be solved.

If you think you're a racist, try fucking someone from a race you hate. Sex cures all. make love, not unlit Molotov cocktail.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

What Would Optimus Prime Do?

Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.

And yes, that includes Malays and Muslims.

A lot of people may often forget that Malays and Muslims also deserve freedom to practice their faith as well as their chosen lifestyle.

I am not a Muslim scholar, and I am not the truest definition of a Malay. I'm even genetically half-Chinese, though constitutionally Malay.

I subscribe to Westernized ideals, and one I truly believe in is that everyone should have the right to practice their own religion in any way they may so wish. As long as they don't shove it down people's throats. Respecting other people's freedoms as well.

I see that the country is becoming more and more racially-charged every day. It is also becoming more and more about religion.

Everyone is accusing everyone else for being racists, except for Malays who keep quiet, except at the most stupid of moments, with PR-bludgeoning statements and stupid moves.

That's fucked up.

Look, it takes two to tango. And if you want to protect freedom of religion, you have to also protect the freedom of those religions which you do not agree with.

Freedom of speech - you also have to protect the freedom to say things you do not agree with.

I'm all for the freedoms, but it has to cover everything and do not just serve the agenda of a select few. Otherwise, it will be a case of "four legs good, two legs better". Hypocrisy at its worst.

I do not agree with the lawsuit culture. Sure, justice can be sought, punishment should be meted out. But the whole deal smells like an opportunistic act of greed to me - lawsuits.

Would you like to live in a world where say, a passenger sues the LRT system for RM20 million because he or she got tired standing up and the coaches smelled bad? The next day, the LRT sues another passenger RM34 million for breaking wind inside the said coach.

Then, the passenger who farted went and sued Restoran Puteri for serving petai. Restoran Puteri sues the Penan for selling them petai.

This is all bullshit. If we go down this path, these are some of the things we might experience. In our lifetime. It is already happening in America. And we all know that it is NOT a perfect example of democracy nor the free market system.

In one episode of Boston Legal, it is postulated that the US ia a Christian country. Or at the very least a religious country. Even the President swears an oath and finishes it with, "so help me God."

God this, God that. What the fuck, man?

And don't get me started on the NEP. Some quarters say that the NEP favours the Malays so much that it impedes other people from getting rich. I get an e-mail now and then from racists who say this. Along with some name-calling and the usual hypocritical shit.

Well, simply look at the list for the top 10 richest Malaysians. The NEP sure as hell didn't stop those guys from getting rich.

I don't hear Robert Kuok complaining. Lim Goh Tong never did say that HE was a victim of the NEP.

They sure as hell made BILLIONS, with the NEP.

So what the fuck does anyone else has to say about this? Fuck you, you lazy-assed bastards.

Sure, the NEP could use some reforms, expanding it horizontally and cutting it off vertically (ie, only poor people should benefit, and not millionaires) but it is not the ultimate evil. The ultimate evil, ladies and gentlemen, is greed, laziness and hypocrisy.

If we can take care of that, there would not be a problem - real or perceived.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Mencari Sinar Ultra Lembayung

Apa yang aku jarang jumpa di Malaysia ialah kejujuran.

Semua nak berpura-pura. Nak KELIHATAN baik atau bagus.

Bagus ke?

Semasa aku muda-muda dulu, ramai perempuan aku liwat, eh, lawat - banyak perempuan yang aku lawat obses dan gilakan imej.

Ramai orang yang aku kenal pentingkan imej dan kepalsuan dari kebenaran dan hakikat.

Itu lumrah manusia. Dan itu yang buat aku menyampah. Aku tidak akan menghalang sesiapa untuk mengejar yang batil - chewah!

Kerana aku fikir itu hak masing-masing. Bukan tempat aku untuk menghalang.

Cuma, aku tak akan bergerak ke arah itu. Terima kasih sajalah.

Bukanlah hendak mendabik dada atau mengatakan aku lebih bagus dari orang lain.

Cuma, aku nak ucapkan terima kasih, tetapi aku tidak akan berkongsi kehidupan sebegitu.

Tahniah la kepada mereka yang sukakan hidup sebegitu.

Moga kau masuk syurga. Moga kau bahagia.

Aku ni dah banyak dosa. Mungkin masuk neraka. Tak payah lah nak tambah jadi munafik la pulak. Dahlah tak cool pulak tu.

Aku juga ingin meletak jawatan dari menghakimi orang lain.

Dah lama aku buat. Dan aku dah penat.

Selepas lama benar aku berfikir, aku memutuskan satu-satunya perkara yang ingin aku pertahankan ialah hak untuk memilih.

Aku dulu fikir yang Melayu perlukan ialah seseorang untuk mengubah mereka dan cara hidup mereka.

Dengan angkuh, aku mengkatalog semua kesalahan mereka di mata aku.

Mungkin aku betul, tapi bukan hak aku. Kalau kau nak beromen sampai dapat 24 anak pun, lantak ko lah. Kalau ko tak mampu tanggung keluarga kau lepas tu anak kau jadi penagih dadah, tukang urut yang bagi blowjob, bukannya aku billionaire nak pergi hapuskan kemiskinan.

Kalau aku billionaire, ya, ko kena dengar cakap aku pasal aku akan bersihkan negara ni. Pasal aku superhero.

Namun, selepas beberapa pertembungan dengan orang putih dan orang bukan Islam, aku dapati apa yang Melayu perlukan ialah ruang untuk berkembang. Ruang untuk berevolusi.

Yang jenis membiak, akan terus membiak. Macam virus. Yang gatal nak kahwin akan terus gatal nak kahwin. Lepas satu, jadi dua. Lepas dua, tiga dan lepas tu empat, plus-plus.

Aku percaya yang mungkin ada satu dari 24 anak tu yang bagus otaknya, macam aku. Necessity is the father of invention. Kalau dah susah, sampai satu hari, Melayu-melayu kena fikir sendiri cara nak naikkan diri sendiri dan orang lain. KALAU diorang pilih sendiri.

Yang jadi Melayu bagus, Melayu pandai, akan membiak jua dan harapnya ada lebih banyak orang pandai kat sini.

Yang diperlukan ialah sumbangan dan kerjasama orang Melayu untuk memastikan mereka mendapat peluang yang sepatutnya. Bantuan untuk mengekalkan kebebasan mereka untuk mengamalkan cara hidup yang mereka mahu. Agama yang mereka mahu. Aku sememangnya tidak bersetuju dengan apa-apa jenis kawalan atau batasan yang diletakkan atas mereka.

Aku percaya yang kalau mereka nak buat, mereka akan buat. Kalau taknak, sampai mati pun taknak.

Orang asing, kerjanya nak merodok pemahaman mereka dan falsafah kehidupan mereka ke atas orang lain.

Berlambak mamat-mamat dan minah-minah Western countries yang asyik duk preach kat aku pasal freedom of speech dan freedom of expression.

AKu setuju freedom of speech dan freedom of expression. Kau taulah aku. Kalau tak mencarut, tak best.

Tapi aku tak suka double standards. Aku tak suka keluhuran yang ditunjukkan sebenarnya topeng untuk hipokrisi yang lebih besar.

Sistem di Amerika bukan sempurna. Aku berpendapat, lebih baik dari Malaysia dari beberapa segi. Tapi apa yang berjaya in the States tak semestinya akan berjaya di sini. Lain padang, lain belalang.

Freedom kejadahnya kalau freedom hanya untuk sesetengah orang dan bukan untuk semua?

Ooo. Attack Pak Lah, takpe. Attack Anwar takleh? Attack Teresa Kok takleh? Butuh la. Utusan Malaysia siar artikel untuk mempertahankan kebebasan beragama (agama Islam) kau kutuk. Suara Keadilan? Harakah? Malaysia Today?

Yang menyedihkan, kalau hanya difokus pada unsur fitnah artikel tu takpe. Tak boleh jugak, pasal masa Malaysia Today, Harakah atau Suara Keadilan pun ada keluarkan artikel yang biased, berat sebelah dan mungkin langsung tiada nilai kewartawanan.

Apasal tak bising pun? Kutuk Pak Lah, Najib, KJ, Dr M macam nak rak. Orang tak kecoh pun.

Aku ingat lagi Mahazalim. Aku ingat lagi Babychedet. Takde pun orang tua tu saman. Relaks je.

Ni kutuk Anwar sikit, "Owh, anjing kerajaan!" Cuit Hindraf, "Racist!"

Jap. Kalau unsur fitnah artikel je takpe. Kau lawan la kat mahkamah. Bagus jugak. Yang tak bestnya ialah apabila keseluruhan suratkhabar menjadi sasaran. Dan sesiapa yang menyokong akan dilabel macam-macam.

Macam kalau sorang - SORANG - Eskimo bunuh anjing laut ko, ko saman semua orang Eskimo 10 billion. Pound Sterling.

Patutnya, ikut aku la, make an example, but a moral example. Tak perlu saman sampai berjuta-juta. Itu tradisi omputih. Sikit-sikit, saman. Sikit-sikit, saman. Kopi panas pun saman. Gemuk sebab suka melantak McDonald's pun nak saman. Mendabik dada kata negara paling bebas dalam dunia, semua sama rata, tapi perkauman tetap wujud. Kompeni-kompeni besar masih jatuh takleh bangun. Aku taknak hidup dalam dunia yang macam itu.

Saman Utusan, tapi untuk kos, atau untuk RM1. Kalau kau menang, kau betul. Yay.

Selective freedom. Atau kata orang Melayu, 'freedom kepala hotak kau.'

Kita pun sama, apabila kita menjadi orang asing kepada orang lain. Kita pun buat banyak salah.

Ini tidak seharusnya berlaku.

Aku mengimpikan masa depan yang semua perkara baik dibuat dengan sukarela. Tak perlu aku jadi superhero. Tak perlu aku jadi jutawan atau billionaire. AKu duk rumah beromen pun takpe.

Yang penting ialah kebebasan untuk masyarakat berkembang dengan kepesatan yang mereka ingini. Ruang yang mereka pilih sendiri.

Sebab Dr M pun tak boleh nak tukar mindset Melayu lepas 22 tahun. Dia dah buat lebih dari yang patut - memberikan ruang dan kebebasan untuk masyarakat Malaysia berkembang dengan sendiri. Ke arah arah sendiri. Atas pilihan sendiri. Tak kiralah nak jatuh ke nak bangun ke.

Itulah kebebasan yang sejati.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Holier Than Thou

I have always liked DC Comics more than Marvel.

The reason is simple. I no longer feel the need to see what would happen if super-powered beings lived in the real world.

My interest was not, is not, in the plausible, practical questions.

Instead, I was drawn to the morality issues often featured in DC Comics.

When people have the power of gods, for what and how much should you use your powers? What is the limit of Superman's participation in the world?

Kingdom Come explored Superman's role as a world leader. He imposed himself to put order back into a chaotic world. For good. But as they say with ALL good intentions...

I mean, imagine the kind of havoc Superman could put on the world if he had simply manufactured as much diamonds and oil as the world needed, and more. The headache he would impose on immigration, border patrol and citizenship.

If he had stopped all conflicts before they even happened. Which side would he choose? In Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, he is always on the side of America. In Superman: Red Son, he he is Russia's ultimate ruler.

In Watchmen, Dr Manhattan, who could do anything, did not do enough to stop millions from being killed.

Action, inaction. Too much action? Too much inaction? It is a fine balance and a very strong morality issue.

I find myself, at times, faced with amazing possibilities. It would be so easy to teeter over the edge and simply plunge in, forcing my beliefs and my opinions down the throats of innocent bystanders.

Forcing my brand of morality on other people. And I see more Malaysians facing the same choices. CHoices I made, paths I took. And I see people who already made their choices, selected their stand and their fights. I do not like most of them. I worry if one day I am to become one of them.

We often do not realize the effect and influence we have on others. Like a blind giant baby wading in a pool of human thought and emotion. A big enough baby to create tsunamis in a hundred different worlds. A hundred different lives.

Again, we face the moral question of where to draw the line between doing good, and taking away people's ability to choose.

As well as the situation of not doing enough with our abilities to help humanity along. Not doing enough and doing too much are both just as bad. It creates imbalance.

And what right do we have to make that choice? Are we informed enough? Smart enough?

The closest thing to a morality battle seen in Marvel is Spider-Man's quest to put responsibility on power. Strangely enough, this could be the answer.

With great powers, come great responsibility.

Thankfully, I am not Superman. So I do what I can. I understand that even if I push as hard as I can, I do not have absolute power. The world will not keel over and die if I write as much as I could.

What I AM worried about is if I end up like Dr Emil Lang from Robotech. That one day I would be a snowflake in a reality storm, determining where the avalanche of possibilities fall.

I do not think I am experienced enough to make that call.

Thank God I have a few years at least before anything of that magnitude happens. Before I face the same dilemma.

The best advice I can give myself right now is to follow my conscience. And I prayb to God that other people will have enough of their own.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Peranti Perantis: Pondan Rangers Turbo

Semasa aku di sekolah, ada ramai budak-budak lembut atau lebih dikenali sebagai pondan atau mak nyah.

Aku menyampah kat diorang dulu. Geli aku.

Aku tanya seorang kawan aku, "Apa pendapat ko pasal pondan-pondan ni?"

Dia menjawab, "Diorang tu menipu diri sendiri. Hipokrit."

Aku: Menipu diri sendiri?

Dia: Tuhan dah buat kita heterosexual, yang diorang jadi pondan tu apa? Lama-lama ko tengok la, mesti taubat lepas tu kahwin!

Aku: Kalau diorang tak kahwin?

Dia: Masuk neraka lah!

Uwah-uwah. Hebatnya kenyataan tu. Gagah perkasa.

Aku yang berada di zaman mudah terpengaruh tu pun percayalah. Aku labelkan habis semua kawan-kawan aku yang lembut, lemah-gemalai sebagai hipokrit.

Akibatnya, aku menjauhkann diri aku, takut lubang jubur aku kena rogol dengan hipokrit.

Lepas habis sekolah, aku masuk universiti. Aku mula sedar yang falsafah kawan aku tu takleh pakai. pasal kat kolej ni, lagi la pondan-pondan naik tocang.

Pakai asymmetrical top la. Dating dengan budak Syariah la. Naik motor bebudak Persatuan Penuntut Islam UM sambil peluk-peluk la.

Aku mula berfikir yang mereka bukan berpura-pura pondan, tetapi adalah pondan semulajadi. Macam air terjun semula jadi Niagara Falls atau Bukit Charas (dalam dunia pondan, 'charas' bermaksud romen.) di Pahang.

Lepas beberapa lama, sememangnya aku berinteraksi lagi dengan komuniti pondan. Bukan untuk seks atau kasih-sayang, ya. AKu straight. Aku jilat pantat perempuan sahaja. Maaf, aku jilat pantat perempuan yang takde bau sahaja.

Maknanya dalam dunia yang penuh macam manusia ini, aku nak atau tidak, terpaksa jua berinteraksi dengan pondan.

Takde hal pun? Malah, banyak pondan dan closet homosexuals yang menolong aku dalam hidup. Baik di kolej atau selepas aku grad.

Lepas lebih sedekad aku makan budi pondan, aku pun termalu sendiri. Pasal dulu, aku hakim diorang cukup-cukup. Diorang relaks je. Siap banyak tolong aku lagi.

Aku takkan sampai ke tahap aku sekarang, cukup makan pakai, kalau dalam hidup aku, aku tak ditolong oleh pondan.

Aku terhutang budi banyak, ya, tapi takdelah sampai nak bagi jubur. Lagipun aku rasa jubur orang lain jauh lagi sedap dari jubur aku. Pergilah cari yang perasa vanilla ke, coklat ke. Jubur aku perasa sambal belacan.

Satu lagi, dengan ramainya lelaki kacak dan hensem yang sebenarnya pondan, maka hanya tinggal aku sebagai pilihan perempuan-perempuan heterosexual yang lain. YES!

Jadi, point aku ialah, kepada adik-adik sekalian, janganlah menghakimi atau membenci orang sesuka hati. Kecuali perempuan Siam. Perempuan Siam, best!

Kau tau apa jadi kat kawan aku sorang tu, yang panggil pondan-pondan tu hipokrit? Kantoi dengan salah seorang pondan yang dia hina tu.

Tak taulah aku dia kantoi apa. Main guli kot? Takpun makan aiskrim.

AKu tau, bergegar struktur tu. Gila ganas, beb. Alaa, masa tu dia pun muda. Manalah dia tau dia pun pondan, walaupun sementara?

Peranti Perantis: Berukera Dari Planet Zargus

Dalam kehidupan, pastinya kita akan jumpa monyet, kera, beruk, siamang gagap, kulop tunggal, mawas, orang utan, cenekoh, dan juga berukera dari Planet Zargus. Semuanya bertopengkan manusia. Walaupun kadang-kadang hanya sipi-sipi kelihatan seperti manusia.

Mereka biasanya penuh emosi dan akan menjegilkan mata, cuba untuk menakut-nakutkan kita/membuat kita marah atau berpura-pura bodoh dan tidak bersalah/menjadi mangsa.

Ini ialah sampah masyarakat. Dan antara tanggungjawab manusia ialah berdepan dengan masalah sampah-sarap yang berleluasa.

Dalam bukunya A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle jarang menulis tentang cara-cara berdepan dengan berukera dari Planet Zargus, jadi aku improvisasi sahaja di sini.

Mula-mula, jangan bereaksi kepada laungan berukera dari Planet Zargus. Kalau kita menunjukkan reaksi, maka samalah kita dengan berukera dari Planet Zargus.

Relaks. Bertenang. Berukera-berukera itu tiada kuasa untuk mengubah kita menjadi berukera seperti mereka. Kita ialah kita, berukera ialah berukera.

Biarkan apa yang kita rasa. Jangan lawan. Cuma jangan bertindak dari keadaan penuh emosi ini. Nanti jadi berukera dari Planet Zargus.

Perhatikan bahawa 'diri kita' yang beremosi itu bukan diri kita yang sebenar, tetapi adalah ego.

Dengar saja dialog-dialognya.

"Aku nak tolong dia! SAMPAI HATI dia buat macam ni kat aku! Akulah MANGSA!"

"Aku BETUL! Dia SALAH! Dia kena tahu tu!"

Ini dialog ego. Ini kata hati ego. Bukan kata hati kita. Diri kita yang sebenar jauh lagi bagus dari seorang yang 'petty', seorang yang senang berkecil hati.

Kemudian, buangkan label 'berukera dari Planet Zargus' dari minda kita. Buangkan juga label 'sampah-sarap'. Hanya lihat mereka sebagai bahan mentah yang mempunyai sifat-sifat tertentu. Undang-undang tertentu.

Kerana orang-orang yang lebih menunjukkan sikap berukera pun mungkin terjadi begitu kerana beberapa sebab. Mungkin Tuhan menghakiminya agar menjadi berukera dari Planet Zargus. Mungkin dia dipukul ketika kecil. Mungkin dia pernah jumpa orang yang muka atau tindakannya sama macam kita, dan akibatnya, dia dirogol di lubang jubur.

Manalah kita terdaya menelaah masalah dan keadaan mental orang lain? Kita bukan Professor X.

Adalah tidak adil untuk menghakimi mereka kerana hanya Tuhan yang berhak untuk menjadi hakim. Hakim-hakim perbicaraan juga hanya berhak menghakimi kesalahan, dan bukannya si tertuduh. Ya, dia mungkin menghukumnya agar masuk penjara dengan sebatan, tetapi itu tidak mengubah si tertuduh. Hanya meletakkannya di dalam penjara dengan sebatan.

Kita tidak layak menjadi hakim kepada orang lain. Faham dan resapkan.

Kemudian, tanya:

Apa yang ingin dibuat atau dibina dari 'bahan mentah' itu?

Kalau butang-butang nya ialah A dan B dan C, tekan A keluar darah, tekan B keluar taik dan keluar C keluar air milo, yang mana kita pilih?

Bergantung sama ada kita perlukan darah, taik (mungkin sebagai baja) atau air milo pasal hari panas dan air milo dengan ais amat menyegarkan, maka kita boleh membuat pilihan.

Sampah pun boleh dibuat baja atau barangan kraftangan. Tin aluminum dan botol pun boleh diguna semula.

Dan ingat, ada juga pilihan untuk tidak menekan langsung, menekan dua atau lebih butang, atau kalau dah tak boleh sangat, buangkan saja 'bahan mentah' tu. Macamlah bumi ni kekurangan sampah atau orang.

Dengan mengasingkan emosi dan penghakiman dari proses ini, maka kita akan bersedia untuk menggunakan bahan mentah tersebut sebaik-baiknya.

Kadang-kadang proses ini ada potensi untuk menyakitkan hati. Tapi ingat! Sakit hati itu dibuat sendiri. Hanya kita boleh menyakiti diri sendiri. Hanya kita yang boleh membenarkan diri kita sendiri sakit.

Buddha kata, "Ta ta ta" yang membawa maksud "Camtulah brader" lebih kurang.

Kepada yang hanya inginkan sumber dari Islam, perkataan Islam itu sendiri mengandungi jawapannya.

"Islam" membawa maksud 'surrender' atau menyerah diri. Banyak yang mengatakan ini bermakna menyerah kepada Allah.

Aku juga terjumpa satu hubungan antara konsep 'menyerah diri' dengan penulisan Eckhart Tolle.

Kalau kita berserah dan menerima bahawa macam inilah manusia, dan macam inilah berukera dari Planet Zargus, dan macam inilah 'bahan mentah' dan macam inilah dunia yang dicipta Tuhan, maka kita akan lebih bersedia untuk 'move on' dan mengambil tindakan susulan.

Ni kira konsep 'redha' la ni. Chewah.

Alternatifnya ialah duduk sambil menjerit-jerit kepada Tuhan, "Kenapa??!! Kenapa??!! KENAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??!!" Dengan penuh emo sekali. Yang mana satu engkau pilih?

Tindakan yang terbaik datangnya dari minda yang tenang. Tidak diganggu emosi. Tidak diracuni ego.

Datang dari keadaan ini, buah fikiran dan keputusan lebih rasional dapat dibuat. Ambillah apa-apa tindakan yang difikirkan terbaik. Untuk kesan atau akibat yang diingini.

Ini ialah cara yang aku sedang halusi dalam hidup aku. Aku tahu bahawa ia bukan sempurna, tapi dengan laluan masa dan pengalaman, aku yakin aku boleh membawanya ke tahap kesempurnaan.

What Men Want




If I can die while having Natalie Portman blow me off, eating a DELIcious Seafood Linguini while watching Boston Legal, I'd die happy.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Duality of Man

People who come to know me personally are sometimes surprised that I watch Oprah almost religiously.

I mean, they see me as a foul-mouthed animal who does nothing but masturbate all day.

That's not true. I don't masturbate all day. Even though I could. But that's what people think.

I am a walking paradox to people who don't understand the multi-faceted nature of humans and prefer the sides of a box.

So yeah, I watch Oprah AND the shock jock Howard Stern. I listen to both Chris Rock and Russell Peters.

I go and see Thai prostitutes, and I am for feminism. How fucked up is that?

I celebrate intelligence and stupidity. In equal measure.

I am both Malay and Chinese. And mixed. Confused? Nope. I know exactly what and who I am.

I hate this country, and at the same time I love it.

Some time ago, I received an offer to work in another country for around three times my salary. It was everything I could ever want. Horseback riding, diving, gym equipments, a villa, a four-wheel drive. FREE.

Surprisingly, I did not say yes outright.

Then they offered me four times my salary.

For the time being, I am shelving such ambitions. Unless it's something I really, really can't refuse.

A lot of my friends are leaving the country. My dearest friends, some of them. Two left before Raya, this year, and three more will leave after raya.

Though I cheer them on, I have yet been able to bring myself to leave Malaysia, despite all the hatred. Despite all the stupidity.

This surprises me more than anything else in the world.

And despite my unhappiness at the Malays, how they are and how they treated me, and how much I disagree with the Muslims of this country, I often find myself called to defend them.

I don't think it's right for Malays to be marginalised or blamed for racism. Especially when it takes two to tango. I don't think it's right that Muslims are often dismissed as backwater bullshit daughterfuckers.

I do not believe that Islam is worse than any other religion out there. I refuse to believe that Malays are an inferior race, simply because I do not believe in an inferior race.

Yes, I do not subscribe to marriage and family and breeding to be the epicentre of the universe. I often mauled the Malays for this sheer stupidity that got a lot of them in debt.

But I did it so that some of them, or at least one of them, would do something. Or would not do some of those things.

I went through that angst-ridden part of my life and I'm approaching 30 already. I'm turning old, and Republican.

If Malays want to go and do that, hey, there is no one to stop them. There SHOULD be NO ONE to stop them.

I have often learned again and again in my short life that the most valuable things in life are freedom and independence. And if the Malays and the Muslims are free to do what they want in this country, then they already have the most valuable gift in the world.

And despite everything, I do believe that empowered people will empower others. It is the lie of scarcity, the lie of the 'other' that is evil.

I realize that I am shouting, not to change others, but to keep others from changing me. Which is silly. Because only I can change myself. Only I have that power.

Oh, and...


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Man in the Mirror

Today, I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror.

I saw a strapping young man. The sexiest man in the world today. Uh. Uh.

Then I smiled, and the world went supernova.

I am so cool.

I am beginning to wonder what the world ever did to deserve me.

I am a miracle. Of modern science. I am the ixnay to your hombre. The clitoris to every vagina. The crown jewel of humanity.

Man. I love me.

Being a Superhero is a Thankless Job

Rocky got skewered by commenters on his blog for even insinuating that Teresa Kok's lawsuit is against freedom of the press, free speech and freedom of expression.

Yep. They often shoot the messenger, especially if he is Flash or whatever.

I mean, I was also attacked for telling some bad news. Even though I tried, heroically, to find a solution that would have worked out for everyone involved.

Some people just can't be helped.

As a superhero, I understand this. You can't save them all. And even helping a drowning man can get you dragged into the depths.

The only way to stay afloat is simply to accept it as it is. That's the way things are. That's the way people are.

If I give in to my emotions, I would become a supervillain.

And while I have no qualms about that, it is not something I want to do or be.

I am a superhero. I am Captain Yesterday, Man of Tomorrow, Pimp Masta G, Count Clitoris, etc.

Oh well.

Rocky must have realized that freedom of speech does not apply to him, even though he probably fights for it, or something like it.

There's nothing to be done, and with some people, you just have to learn to let go.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Source: Blackberry

I looked over at one of my friend's Blackberry today and witnessed this conversation with an Anwarista (and for those not in the know, Mr Sellout is Anwar):

YYYYYYYYYY: so Mr rosmah's our next PM.

XXXX XXX: Better than Mr. Sellout

YYYYYYYYYY: We'll have a botox-injected, diamond-encrusted, fat short mean female pig running e country.

YYYYYYYYYY: Better? oh God!
XXXX XXX: Better than someone who likes guy's asses

YYYYYYYYYY: excuse me, do you have prove of that?
YYYYYYYYYY: even in 1998, they couldnt charge him with anything...they kept changing the the end, even those were dropped.
YYYYYYYYYY: come on la!

XXXX XXX: Why should I care?

YYYYYYYYYY: exactly, even if he is a homo, it doesnt matter. his manifestos and policies/budget is so much better that that of pak lah's

XXXX XXX: I don't like pak lah
XXXX XXX: So, good riddance to that
XXXX XXX: Agreed.
XXXX XXX: Why resort to personal attacks?
XXXX XXX: Who started calling people names in this conversation?

YYYYYYYYYY: wasnt calling names...was merely describing Rosmah after all...she does use botox, she is diamond encrsuted, and she is as fat as a pig. :)

XXXX XXX: The botox.... Proven?
XXXX XXX: Could be collogen
XXXX XXX: Stem cell
XXXX XXX: Or even kacip fatimah
XXXX XXX: Do you have her medical records?

YYYYYYYYYY: ok sorry...
YYYYYYYYYY: foreign-substance injected then. :)

XXXX XXX: Even the phrase "foregin-substance injected"
XXXX XXX: Is it proven?
XXXX XXX: She could be a mutating for all we know

YYYYYYYYYY: well...ok...but she cant lift her eyebrows at all...thats botox induced la
YYYYYYYYYY: she's a mutant? aahh....thats explains everything!

XXXX XXX: Really? Conclusive evidence?
XXXX XXX: Could be food allergies
XXXX XXX: Could be plastic surgery
XXXX XXX: Or she was electrocuted
XXXX XXX: A myriad of possibilities
XXXX XXX: But heresay all the same
XXXX XXX: No proof

YYYYYYYYYY: well my opinion is both mr and mrs are the aliens from hellboy.

XXXX XXX: In my opinion anwar likes guys' butts

YYYYYYYYYY: good for you :)

XXXX XXX: Thanks
XXXX XXX: Everyone has a right to an opinion
YYYYYYYYYY signed out.

Oh, the hypocrisy! Oh, the huge manatee!

Anwaristas label anything offensive against Anwar as personal attacks. Agreed, some of them are. But they go on personal attacks, too.

I was there during Reformasi 1998.

I told this story before, and I'm going to tell it again.

Here was Anwar, Knight of the Magical Light, A Real Malaysian Hero, Master of the Universe, Dancing Queen, Psychopomp and Carnifex. Truly. Truly. Truly Outrageous.

A hush fell over the crowd, except for some kids crying from the tear gas, or perhaps in anticipation of the tear gas.

And then, Anwar grabbed the mic, and you know what he said?

"Kepala siapa botak?"

And the crowd cheered!

He was making a personal attack against none other than the-then Datin Seri Siti Hasmah.

What the fuck did she ever do to him? Asshole.

Defender of free speech, indeed. The Stewart of Decency, Modesty, Restraint and Gondor.

I lost all my respect to Anwar at that moment.

I mean, what the fuck, man?

You had the best platform ever to turn this country into something everyone can be proud of. And what do you do?

Attack a little old lady. I mean, I'm sure Siti Hasmah is not free from sin - no one is. But what the fuck?

All these other, bigger targets. And Anwar chose to make personal attacks against Siti Hasmah.

You guys refuse to remember what Anwar said back in 1998.

I do. I bought the tapes.

"Saya ada berpeti-peti bukti rasuah, bukti corruption kat Malaysia ni!"

"Bawak ke mahkamah la Datuk Seri! Bawak ke tengah la!"

"Ehhh...tunggu dulu."

Ko nak tunggu apa lagi, mangkuk?

The fuck is he waiting for? Getting politicians convicted will pave the way for him to become PM.

His supporters, too, were trying to attack Mahathir.

"Mahathir tu! Entah berapa ramai perempuan masuk bilik dia?"


Kalau dah PM, takkan nak jumpa jantan je, bahalul? Aku yang bukan PM ni pun jujmpa ramai perempuan. Tak bermakna aku romen semua sekali. Gila ke apa? Mana cukup duit.

Promises, promises.

Look, Anwar is not the silver bullet you have been hoping for. Nothing is. Not education. Not the economy. Not movies either.

It's all connected, in one way or another. A multi-pronged thing. Everything falling into place together. And you know what's the key component? For people to grow up.


Colour Me Badd: The Brown Man's Burden

This is about racism, so I most probably will not allow comments. ALL comments, except those that are articulate, intelligent, non-racist and praise me to the sky will be rejected. I'm the thought-police, yo!

Some time ago, I was talking politics to a white person.

At first, I did not notice her whiteness. It was only after a a few remarks she made that made me see clearly that we are of a different level. Of a different caste.

Me: Oh, I'm getting out of this country soon.

White: Where are you going?

Me: Oh, I dunno. Anywhere. Whatever. Maybe XXXXXX.

W: XXXXXX? That's a good place. But don't be disheartened if you don't get it.

Me: Why won't I get it?

W: ...

Me: ... Well, if I don't get it, I'll probably go to Australia and live on the dole. Haha.

W: WHatWhatWhat?! People will be angry at you! It's people like ME that pay taxes so those people could get free money.

Me: Ehhhh. If they did not want it that way, they wouldn't have done it that way. There's always another way.

W: Oh, the politics in this country is so DREADFUL, isn't it?

Me: Ehhhh. It's like that. Buddha says, "Ta Ta Ta." The suchness of life.

W: Really, it's deplorable. It's appalling. How can blah blah blah blah. BLAH! Blah blah blah blah blah.

Me: works for the people. If the people really didn't like it, they would have changed it. It works for them, somehow, on some level. At least a majority of them want it that way.

W: WhatWhatWhat? Do you really believe the people get the government they deserve?

Me: Well, they elected the politicians. If they didn't, we wouldn't have this government. The people wanted it that way. That's democracy.

At that, she was so, so, scandalized, that she got off her racist ass and went off into the night screeching like a banshee.

Well, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I am not impressed by the colour of your skin. I am not impressed by the colour of anyone's skin. Except for Estonians. Estonians have flawless, smooth and silky skin. Metallic-golden, honey-blonde hair, and steel-gray eyes.

Blondes are not my thing, but that one Estonian girl I met wayyyy back in 2005 still lives in the back of my head, where the vision part of the brain is.

And the FIRST girl...erm...never mind.

So yeah, I am not impressed by your race, and some races find this ... baffling.

Malay: I'm a Malay!

Me: I'm not impressed with your race.

Malay: Owhhh!!! Drama!

Chinese: I'm a Chinese!

Me: So?

Chinese: Tien aaaaaaa! Tim kai ahhhhh!!!!??

Indian: Yo, wassup, nigga?!

Me: Foo!

Indian: Oooowwwwwww!

Sunder: My Peranakan kari is stronger than your Peranakan kari.

Me: I prefer Esquire Kitchen curry.

Sunder: Coooobraaaaaaaa! Retreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaattt!

White People: I'm white.

Me: And thennnn...?

WP: Yeah, you know. I'm white and shit.

Me: And theeeeeennnnnn...?

WP: Malay chicks play hump the white gods in Bangsar.

Me: And theeeennnn....?

WP: My civilization is great and shit. Better than yours! Ahuck, ahuck. We got Democracy and shit.

Me: Well, we got BAPAK Demokrasi. Wasn't all that.

WP: It's the white man's b-

Me: AndTHEN!

WP: I said...It's th-


WP: The Wh-


Yeah, there are really cool white people, like Sharon Bakar, Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey. And yeah, that guy who does the voices. He's cool. And really cool Jews like Natalie Portman and Neil Gaiman.


I mean, and?

There are also fuckers like Adolf Hitler, slave owners and traders back in the day. There's also Lindsay Lohan. And Britney Spears. And K-Fed. Motherfucking K-Fed. And Boy-bands. Fucking boy-bands, man.

Look, each race got fuck ups. Each race got great people. Only weak, retarded people would try to put a whole bunch of strangers behind him or her in a futile effort to get some of that greatness rubbed off.

And it's not cool, either, to look at Sunder, for example, and say, "Fucking Hindraf. Motherfucker."

First of all, Sunder's Chindian. You're WRONG!

Second, who the fuck cares even if he is Hindraf? What's wrong with Hindraf? As long as they don't pile the road with trash, and ask a billion-kajillion dollars for an ethnic cleansing that did not happen, I'm fine with Hindraf.

Otherwise, I find them annoying, tops. So? And theeeennnn...?

You are you. And that's it. It doesn't matter who your father was. It doesn't matter who you grew up with.

When you die, all alone on that bed when Izrael or Azrael or Death looks over you, you're standing alone, broseph. You always stand alone.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Intermission: Event Horizon

I spent the entire weekend working, so I'm just going to bask around lazily tonight, before tomorrow's rush.

Been coughing up blood again, which is my body's way of telling me to rest for a while, and probably get a good night's sleep.

Some very interesting things are going to happen in the next few days. For me. Hehehehe.

I just need the whole of next week to sort a few things out. These events will directly determine the future, and I wait with high enthusiasm and low expectations.

I also went to a friend's house for her child's birthday party. I hate kids, but I can make exceptions. They're not too crazy about me, eityher, though most kids would stare at my flawless good looks and wonder, "From whence did this angel come from?"

The exodus continues. Another couple informed me they will be leaving Malaysia very soon.

Me: I might go before you guys. I WIN!

Friend: Well, whoever goes later has to send off the other one at the airport.

Me: Deal!

I still have a few hare-brained schemes going, and if ANY of them goes through, I might be staying here for a while.

I'll cross the bridge when I get to it. I know not what exactly will happen in the next few days and weeks, though I have an inkling that it would turn this way or that.

One of my weaknesses would be that I am extremely impatient. Extremely.

I have boiled down any and every question about the future to these two options: fight or flight.

And have also discovered a third option: fighting by flying.

There are many ways to become a superhero, and there is no silver bullet to everything.

Malaysians have for too long relied on politicians, on cults of personality. No one cares about manifestos. They just see candidates as whole packages. And they only stare at the wrapping, not the contents.

A lot of people, especially bloggers, like to simply point out at everything that's wrong. And while they are true things, a question remains - what the fuck are YOU going to do about it?

Pak Lah was the problem. So what's the solution? What's YOUR solution? He's out now. What next?

So education is the problem? NEP is the demon? Race-based politics is the Satan of Swing. So what's YOUR answer, then? What's the solution?

Say that you're right? YAY! You're right, motherfucker, you're RIGHT!

Now, what, assholes? Now what?

Do we keep on being a nation of victims?

I was asked this question over the weekend: Do you really believe that the people deserve their Government?

Taking a page of Dr M's writings, I said, "Hell Yeah!"

Woman: Why?

Me: Well, cause if the majority of the people REALLY, REALLY want something different, they would have made it so.

You don't need RPK to sacricife himself or Anwar to jump up and down like some attention-seeking bitch.

You won't need Dr M to come out of retirement, to get out of bed and start arguing with people?

No. If the people REALLY wanted it, if YOU really wanted it, things would have happened already. YOU would have done something already.

But something tells me that people in this country DO NOT WANT anything new. Most of them don't. Most of YOU don't.

Why? Do you like what's happening right now? Maybe. Or perhaps it would be so much easier to sit down and blame people. To be a victim. It would be so much easier to point fingers at other people.

Oh well. That's the way it goes. Maybe.

I dunno.

I am just waiting for the next week to unfold. There are some exciting things happening. To me and to the country. And whatever happens, happens.

World Wide Wet and Wild: Political Gramoxone

Previously, on Zeroes...

Anwar: I got jumpers, man! Riot! Woooooooooooooooo!

Pak Lah: Holy shit! Even though the threat is most likely a hoax, I will scramble my men and hold a meeting and expedite the transition of power even though there is less reason to do so than five years ago, when I should handed over everything to someone who could actually do this! Drama!

Tired Blanks: In our hands is just one photo. The girl whose name we call out will remain, and the girl who doesn't, must immediately pack up her bags and leave.

Tired Blanks: Pak Lah, you have all the opportunity in the world to make Malaysia better than Pre-Mahathir times. You had the support of everyone, including the world's sexiest underwear model - Amir Hafizi. But you allowed evil people to do evil things for the past few years, while you waste your time officiating and launching stuff like a Nasi Kandar restaurant in Perth and a kebun, for God's sake, in Penang or Kedah. Instead of being with the people during times of their most dire need. The Johor floods, for instance. You also cancelled a lot of Dr M's projects which made perfect sense, like the Fucked-Up Bridge and Proton and Quarks and Gluons.

TB: Datuk Seri Najib, the judges are worried about your name being tagged to a certain homicide case. Innocent until proven guilty, except in Malaysia, where there are enough racists to convict you even before the court decides.

TB: So who will stay? The girl with the dubious track record, or the girl who MIGHT have a dubious track record?

TB: Datuk Seri Najib, congratulations, you are still in the running to become Malaysia's Next Top Model.

Najib: Yo, whaddup, Detroit?

Koh Tsu Koon: We shall award the nickname of Bapa Demokrasi to Pak Lah, on top of his other given names such as Bapa Mertua Khairy, Bapa IT, dan Bapaku Pulang Dari Kota, Bapaku Belikan Jet Peribadi.

Pak Lah: It's disappointing, but it's not over for me. I am NOT yet 80 years old. Not like that OTHER guy. I am still young. I can do stuff. I'm still going to model. I mean, be a role model.

Anwar: Heyyy! Hey! I got jumpers, foo! I need some attention! I'm the Queen of Drama! Wooo!

The Voice of Shanker: Evolution. Will we ever achieve opposable thumbs? Can we stop chucking our own shit? Will we ever master the use of tools? Make fire? Discover the wheel?

TVoS: Or ...Intelligent design. Hmmm...what's 'intelligent'?

Mohinder Suresh: I followed my father's research to Malaysia, in order to find a cure for evolution. I may have found a race of people which holds the key - politicians. They seem to be immune to it. Is this the cure I've been waiting for? So I can fuck Maya, without getting rashes on my back?

TVoS: Will people ever lay off Pak Lah? Will they ever forget him? Will there be anyone else left to blame, than their own sorry asses? Will I stop asking bloody questions in a futile effort to sound mysterious and knowledgable?

Next week, on Zeroes:

"We worship the White Gods!"

"Heyyy! Heyyyyyy! I need some attention again! Am pushing the December deadline to END of December. End of December 3046."

"Can you pos me my warchest? I need me some vice presidency. Or a Youth Chiefy Stubby."

"It's all everyone else' fault! I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing, and tell everyone they're wrong! WRONG!"

"I'm your mother...Fucker!"


Ah, screw this. I'm taking a dump.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Malay Male Family Values: 2008

Eckhart Tolle wrote, "If you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family."

This past Raya was crazy.

I had saved up enough to buy my mother either a fridge or a dryer. The original intention was a new dryer. A better one, because we live near a swamp. I'm Remy LaBeau, yo!

The swamp gases keep getting into clothes we hang out to dry.

The smell would permeat into the fabric, causing lots and lots of drama. LOTS of drama.

The fridge was also causing trouble. Actually, ONE of the fridges. My mother had three at one point. Then one broke down. Then this other one also were causing some problems.

That was ALSO a cause of drama.

I had enough funds only for one item. Seeing the fact that my mother's life revolves around the kitchen, I decided on the fridge.

I sought help from my brother who used his street smarts to haggle for a much better price for an almost-500 litre fridge.

So we got the fridge delivered to the house. My mother's first reaction?

"Why didn't you TELL ME?"

She was pissed off cause we didn't give her ample warning to clear the old fridge.

This was the night before Raya.

I was like, "Kembaaaaang cipap aku mendengarnya."

Then, it started to rain. When you're on the East Coast, rain doesn't come down in drizzles. It poured like hell. Though there's no rain in hell. I think. Been a long time. 'Sup, Lou?

My family, being my family, tried to force my brother and I to carry the old fridge, in the blistering rain, to the old house.

They were like, "It's not raining THAT hard. It's just the roof that's making all that noise."

"Maybe," I said.

I hung around and watched TV for as long as I could and then decided to get the fridge out of the way.

We came back, soaking wet, and the question asked us was, "Why did you get wet?"

"This, too, shall pass," was my response.

This Raya was crazy.

I'm feeling older. My nephews are getting bigger. The kids who used to come to my house now come with their kids. Some are getting married. Some old folks died the past year. The remaining ones are eaten up alive by old age, Alzheimer's, probably Huntington's Cholera and other shit.

They never get proper diagnosis.

My father has trouble walking. After his third stroke, he used a walker for a while. Than, stubborn as hell, he refused the use of the damned thing and walks on his own. Even if it kills him, he'd walk on his own two feet.

He still smokes four packs a day.

One of my uncles from my father's side of the family - the Chinese side - passed away recently. My Chinese relatives came during Raya and asked if I still got pictures of him and the family I took last year.

After some frantic searching, I still have it. Phew.

Looking at the pic, he resembled my father a lot.

He used to tell me how he was a police officer during the emergency. The original emergency. The War of the Running Dogs.

"You can shoot a communist and no one would know if he was or wasn't," he'd say.

My family fought the communists. My uncle from the Malay side of the family, my father's adopted side, was killed by the Kuomintang.

"They came to the house, looking for him," said my father. "They took him to the woods and they shot him. The wound was caused by a rifle. The bullet is small, but the twist made the wounds larger than a small calibre bullet from a small machine gun. I identified the body."

He was seven or eight years old.

He did not hate the Communists, though.

"Communism is good to manage people in large numbers, over a large land mass, like in Russia or China," he would tell me, when I was younger.

"I wrote that story - where my brother got shot - for my LCE, MCE and STPM," he would add later. Over a few cigarettes.

After moving the fridge, we discovered that it worked just fine. Apparently the fan was blocked by my mother's collection of tempoyak. She still has the war mentality and would hoard stuff.

I think that she thinks that if the Japanese ever land in Kota Bharu again and start riding bicycles, scaring the bejeezus out of the white people, we'd have enough tempoyak for two weeks.

"Oh no! It's the Japanese on bikes again! We're doomed!" the Brit would say. And drive off to Singapore. And then surrender.

Anyway, yeah, Raya. Fucking hell, man. I hate Raya.

A friend from KL gave 500 bucks to my siblings, to buy groceries for a poor family. So we went to a supermarket and discovered that the baby formula were all kept in glass cases, like jewelry. I asked the salesgirl and she said it's because that's one of the most popular items for people to steal.

Yes, they steal baby formula.

If people are stealing baby formula, that's pretty fucked up, man.

It IS expensive. But come on. What the fuck? Steal something more valuable and easier to turn to cash so you'd have even more money to buy baby formula.

Well, what do you expect from poor people who come to the house and tell us that even though he fishes expensive fresh-water prawns, he has never charged for it. And he's bloody fucking poor. Needing handouts from the people and the Government.

Either he's a boasting ass or an altruistic pauper or just plain stupid.

These are the people who need help, and the various projects only entail throwing money at them and expect them to make it. Fuck you.

These people actually bought CARS which now gather rust on their lawns because they do not have enough money for petrol.

That's why I want to become a superhero. Things are so bad that when I asked about certain projects that could make their lives better, they have trouble even grasping the concept.

A fish-farming project that actually works? What the fuck is that? A charity grocery store? Huh?

Oh well. That's the way it goes.

And we're all concerned about whether or not Pak Lah will stay. Why? cause we always need someone to blame and since he is less gifted or more retarded than most, we want to pick on him? Sure, Pak lah is not perfect. He screwed up a lot of things and a lot of people, in my opinion. The worst Prime Minister in history? Maybe.

Well, he's out. Maybe retire in Australia, eating Nasi Kandar and ogling Anglican school girls. What now, assholes? Who are you going to blame next?

Prices will continue to rise, with or without Government control. The poor continue to suffer from the economy even though Pak Lah was advised to say that the folks in the villages are not affected. We don't eat monkeys anymore in villages.

We are less prepared than ever before, cause we're caught up with political dramas instead of turning to technology, science and the market to find solutions.

I say, abolish politics! I say, do away with politicians! Instead of feeding them dog food (boiled eggs), get them to work instead of holding Press Conferences that promise themselves the world with nothing at the end. Where're your jumpers now, Anwar? In your pants?

Oh, got political again.

Anyway, yeah. Family. Raya.

I do not think it is advisable to have a family in Malaysia, and I don't think this Raya was worth celebrating. I still have a lot of work to do, from before Raya, and I guess so do you.

With that, I'm signing off. Got to get some shut-eye. I still want that new dryer for my mother.