I just woke up from a refreshing sleep. Didn't sleep last night cause I didn't want to miss a morning meeting, and I had stuff to do before I leave for my hometown tomorrow. I will be finishing them later tonight.
Man, the trip back to my hometown couldn't come at a better time. I need to get away for a while from all the madness.
You wouldn't believe how busy I was, even without a full-time job. I got no sleep last night, and there were several times today when I felt like puking. My heart rate went up in the morning - I could feel it beating in my chest.
With me, it's always a cycle. I go up, they knock me down, I go up again. I am happy, I let people suck my energy, I am happy again.
Am used to it. Have to be. So am not worried. Whatever state I'm in, I know that it's temporary. The impermanence of everything.
I am as fickle as a woman. And I bring up shit from years back, just like a woman. You know, that's what I hate? You do one WRONG thing, or several, in my case, and then several years later, women bring it up so they could have mileage or to have an advantage on the invisible score board. WOmen want control. Men want pussy. Meh. That's how it is.
Like how I am bringing up the fact that Anwar lied/did not deliver when he promised to topple the Government on Sept 16 2008.
I win!
We must never forget. And I will keep on reminding us. All of us. For the love of the children, please never let Anwar be PM! Think of the children! Oh, the children! Oh, the huge manatee!
I tried to pick fights with some people recently. One may just bite. My enormous ego needs feeding, otherwise I will go back to talking about self-discovery and new age bullshit.
I have learned, over the years, to let go. Means I finally have the skill to let things go. It was out of necessity. I would have pursued some of my vengeance plans to the bitter end.
I once planned and executed a project for 9 whole years. Bitter all the way. ANgry all the time. Righteous indignation and shit. I managed to 'right the wrong' in that case and bring justice to the fuckers. Justice! Muahahaha.
But it was a hollow victory. Revenge is sweet, but it is saccharine. It's not real sugar.
The faces I saw when I completed my almost decade-long project were scared little men, afraid of their own shadows. Huddling together pathetically for warmth around the campfire, like cavemen.
I did not destroy their lives. I destroyed their world. Took the support away from their grassroots. Engineered their fall. No longer would they get the adulation of the people they so craved for. The approval they desperately sought. I was so angry at what they had done, or for what they represented, that I consciously used everything I learned and knew to kill them off.
Words can be very dangerous, sometimes.
I killed their souls, man. With hate and doubt and shame and despair. I was their world's destruction. And I am not saying it with pride. And not without a little guilt. Just a little.
In all honesty, I am neither a good person or a bad person. I just am.
At the end, the whole vendetta thing was consuming me as well. Time I was supposed to spend on writing good stuff, I went and sowed the seeds of despair. You just plant seeds here and there. People will pick it up. It will grow.
And just like that plant in Little Shop of Horrors, pretty soon, the damn thing wants your blood as well.
So I learned to let a lot of things slide. Otherwise, I would be a creature of pure vengeance. In other words, a loser. Or a madman.
For some things, though, I decided to hang on to it. And never release my grip.
But for most things, I like to enjoy them while they last. My youth, for example. In a few years, I won't have the luxury of being called a young man anymore. I'm getting old. And while in the past, I always said that I couldn't wait to be 40, cause I'd be rich and shit, I am beginning to understand the huge responsibilities that come with age.
Oh well.
