Everything is half finished. I will pick up the slack tomorrow.
I had five sticks of cigarettes today. My body cannot handle five cigarettes anymore. I will have to reduce tomorrow's intake.
I just had some benadryl, meaning I will sleep soon. Very soon. And wake up at 8am to finish everything off.
I notice that with quitting smoking (I haven't fully quit yet), my money does not drain that much. I used to go to the ATM machine, twice, three times a week. Now, one withdrawal can accomodate me for a whole week.
The anger is mostly gone. When it resurfaces, I try other methods to deal with it other than smoking.
The lethargy, though, is harder to combat. I am going for some time off during Chinese New Year, so I hope to recharge then.
I am still very worried about my parents. My father's health is stabilising, but it is not getting better. Oh well. My father has proven everyone wrong before. I believe that if his current track record of confounding the medical community continues, he still has probably 20 years of great health.
On other fronts, I am having fun tackling things I have never done before. To me, work - any kind of work - is a new puzzle to solve.
I am now doing something about Malay culture, which I have resisted for a very long time.
I mean, it is easy to find fault with anyone or anything. Finding what's good about people or a society is not as easy.
I believe that until you can be good to people who would naturally be your enemies, or an embodiment of what you hate, you have not achieved non-resistance with your own prejudices. You still have not accepted the world.
Seeking the goodness in people will bring forth goodness. Seeking faults or things to whine and complain about will only give you flaws and problems.
The spiritual shit I am practicing has done wonders for me. It works for me. Perhaps it will for you. And perhaps not.
All in all, I can't wait to have some rest. Tonight, and also Chinese New Year. I would love to see my Chinese side of the family. They're quite funny people.
My uncles come from a bygone era - the last of their kind.
My grandfather came to Malaysia in 1917 or sometime back then. He was in his teens, having been born sometime near or at the turn of the century.
His name was Fong Ah Man. A very 'Ah Beng' or 'Ah Lian' name, I guess.
He worked as a rubber tapper. A farm hand. It wasn't easy, I think. My family comes from the Guangzhou province. They used to plant fruits. Orchards.
One year, around a decade ago, one of my aunts went to Guangzhou to retrace our lineage. She brought back fruits - lychee and longan and whatever the fuck. She bought them from the Fong clan she found there.
I like to think that one of my ancestors is Fong Sai Yuk. But that could just be the cough medication.
We're Cantonese. Traditionally land owners. Though my cousins and uncles set up car workshops in Kuantan.
Each branch of the family takes one part of the car. There are air-cond specialists, engine workmen, body shop and chop, interior people, etc.
We all love lemang or any form of glutinous rice thing. Very unhealthy. Most of us die at quite old age. Only one uncle passed when he was 55. The rest mostly reach 70 or beyond. My grandfather managed 90++, I think.
He was a huge man. Big hands. Big, Buddha earlobes. White hair. Wrinkly skin. Sad, intelligent eyes.
He kept over 40 dogs at any one point. And 10,000 chickens. Kept bonsai trees. Gave me RM10 in my ang pow every Chinese New Year. His ang pows are always smaller in size, with a matte finish. No glossy paper. There would be pictures of a ship, a junk, almost every year.
Oh well. Am almost passed out from the benadryl overdose. See ya!
