I am at home, in Kuantan, taking care of some family matters as well as taking some time off... to do work.
I have stopped smoking, so whenever my head hits a pillow or when I find myself in a horizontal position, I tend to fall asleep rather quickly.
In almost one week, I have only had two sticks of cigarettes on the first day and none at all since then.
I still have coffee, though, and this current, sugarless batch is giving me headaches as I strive to finish one of three things I wanted to finish here.
I have hit a snag with one writing project, and am now writing this in an effort to unclog my brain.
Being with my family this past week reminded me why I never, ever, want to be part of any other family. One is enough, thank you.
We are fiercely individualistic. Almost solitary. And whenever we get together, we are reminded why.
Family nurtures the ego. All the bad things in life - the posturing, the ignorance, the image, righteousness, the competition, the pride, blablabla - all nurtured by family surroundings.
The family mindset is like a virus of the soul. It makes you weak, soft, spiteful and defensive.
And also how I hate weddings. One of my extended family members held a wedding a few days ago. I didn't go, for fear of food poisoning. I did not know that family for their hygiene. So, no thank you.
My family? The family is fine. Fucked up as they will ever be, but they're fine.
My father is sick, and all the drama that comes with being old and being sick is making itself apparent.
Eckhart Tolle once quoted another person who said, "If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family."
How very true. Our families test our patience, as we fight an unending war against them turning into monkeys and parameciums.
I find the 'letting go' approach to have worked wonders.
As in, "If you don't take this medication, you will die. But that's your life, so do with it as you will."
Man, I wish I had a cigarette now. The kind of pressure and stress I could potentially put on myself is astounding. Daunting, to be exact. For me.
The only difference with this trip home is the fact that I have let go of a lot of things already, and am prepared for most of whatever.
The problem with families is that sometimes, they want and need attention. I give attention as real as I can. In the sense that I do not emote mindless affection, but pragmatic stoicism, while being entirely on their side.
There is no running away from family. I can't really take a vacation and hide somewhere, from family. So whatever it is, I need and want to deal with it.
There are many things still to be done with the family. Several rescue operations. Defensive setups, safety nets, as well as some well-coordinated attacks.
Oh well. What to do?