Rape Now Accepted at Toll Booths
Kuala Limpeh - Out of change? Don't worry - toll booths across the country now accept rape as payment.
Simply hike up your skirt or pull down your pants and let the attendant have a go.
"The world economy is bad. This is the first time we are trying out this new currency," said political guy.
Rape will soon be accepted as fiat money at hypermarkets and petrol stations by June. 20,000 sex-death machines will also be made available for parking payments.
"We have plans to list rape on the main board and sell rape bonds."
Politicians have resigned en masse due to this new development...and have applied for jobs as toll booth attendants.
Politicians to Continue Fighting for Amusement
Despite a full-page ad in The Star calling for peace, politicians have pledged to continue fighting, for the amusement of the people.
"Politics is like professional wrestling," said PKR man V. Vendetta. "The people want us to fight because it is amusing to them. Plus, they can get their egos represented. Racism is money."
In a rare show of solidarity, BN woman Laili Tamplung agree with her compatriot.
"You think we're stupid? Fighting and mud-slinging puts food on the table. And Lexuses and Toyota Camrys in the garage. We're not going to give up on our lifestyle. Plus, who's dying? Not us. Na-ah!"
"Yeah!" acknowledged V. Vendetta. "Fuck the people. Literally. Who the fuck cares? We just want money. And for people to die for us. Fuck this Anas Zubedy. Who the fuck is he? What political party does he head? Suck my dick, Anas Zubedy!"
A sentiment that is echoed across the board by politicians of all shapes, sizes and morality.
"The people should learn to shut the fuck up. We politicians know better. And we're morally superior, too," said DAP's Chee Cheong Fun. "Don't play-play."
"It is better for the people to know their place - vote for us so we can get their money," agreed MIC's SS Enterprise. "I got your money! Neener-neener-neener! And you're the ones wasting time worrying about the economy? Wot, me worry? Fuck you! Muahahahahaha!"
The formation of a Golden Horde - a regiment comprised entirely of politicians - will descend on Phileo Damansara to protest the full-page ad.
