I finished a paper - a proposal - a couple of hours ago. I was going to postpone it till tomorrow, but decided to start tonight.
It was done in two hours. I felt it move and I went for it. I was halfway, then fully done. It's a 2,000 word paper - pretty flimsy. By no means a complete and finished article, even after the once-over polishing I did.
At the most, this would be enough to illustrate one of my ideas. Just one. Though it has, over time, expanded and mutated into something else.
I'm beginning to feel like my old self again.
People usually say this as an excuse. "I'm beginning to work like how I used to," said the guy who fucked up, or the woman who was facing intense pressure from below-par performance.
It is used usually to basically say, "You know, I'm a lot better than how you see me now. If I could just replicate the conditions and situations that happened before, in the past, I can show you what I can do and you will be impressed and you will like me."
I give no excuses. I go at every task with whatever I can at any moment. That's how I fucking roll. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes, the tasks go beyond expectations. That's how it is.
Tonight, I will tell you about two things - presence and awareness. Presence is how you carry yourself, the energy that you project. I find that people - myself included - respond to any energy with the same type.
You bring ego, a victim mentality, insecurities into a grouping of people, and all you get is the same shit from everyone - ego, victim mentalities and insecurities. People don't realise it, but whatever they get from others is usually exactly what they give out, what they project.
Presence is a state when you bring your soul and your essence into an area. Martial arts people sometimes describe this as Chi or Qi or whatever. And no, you can't fly using qi. But what you can do is control your presence.
Other entities need acknowledgement in order to bring their presence around as well. Some people, though, are beyond that in the sense that no matter what you do, they will never be present. I have no idea what to do with these people. I know that we are all connected, but I am not responsible for other people as well.
Second is awareness. Do you ever do anything automatically? Like you wake up and go to the bathroom, pick up your toothbrush and start brushing, while your mind feels like mashed potato? Have you ever driven home drunk, your mind stuck on a loop somewhere else?
Sometimes, I talk without thinking - reactionary stuff are always non-aware. Whenever I reach for another cigarette, I am doing so without awareness.
Remember when you lose your temper, consumed by sadness, doing something stupid because you were so happy?
These situations demonstrate you without being aware. There is another state where you do realise what you are doing, but do not know why you are doing it or why you keep doing it even though your rational brain keeps telling you not to. Like having sex with your abusive boyfriend/husband. Again. All the while screaming inside?
This are actions done without awareness. If you are aware, you would be in complete control of yourself. You are aware of even the slightest movement.
It doesn't happen to me a lot of times - total awareness - but when it does, it's fucking sweet. Before I know it, things get done. All those unnecessary chatter go away and what remains is the empirical value of the situation.
Example: The task of taking out the garbage could be a sensitive issue if you live with other people. I don't, but I used to. So you can have all the drama in the world, plot to kill your housemates and carry a spiteful resentment that could last years or in my case - a decade.
But if you isolate everything and just focus - being aware - of merely handling taking the trash out, or reasoning with the person who is supposed to take the trash, you can solve the issue.
Awareness is very important, internally, and with awareness, you bring it to the world with presence.
I assure you that being aware of your own intentions and everything going on inside will eliminate any form of evil within you. People who are aware are never evil, unless they are psychopaths.
It's okay with me, because I am a high-level functioning sociopath. Ha! Stole that from Sherlock Holmes - the British TV series, not the Hollywood movie.
So be aware, and be present. Once you have dealt with your own evil, the evils of the world will be lessened because you are not feeding it.
Evil still exists, though - and so does stupidity - so be careful.
This is Boron - World's Most Boring Man, signing off.