Family Values

Some friends are surprised that I still get together with my family, even when I do not believe in the family unit or even the idea of families.

I don't believe that families are essential or even logical. What's the logic of staying together with a group, if not to work together towards killing a mammoth or a saber-tooth tiger?

I find that people who say they benefit from their families financially or in any form that is not spiritual, to be insincere.

You hang around these people so they could help you? You have children so you could use them as insurance policies? To me, these are just fucked up.

I stay with my family, because I have learned not to let their dramas to affect me. I stay on, because I want to.

I do not resent them because I have accepted myself and these people as we are.

Being a vagabond, though, who knows what tomorrow may bring.

National Day Pop Quiz

Just when you thought it's safe to be a Malaysian, POP QUIZ, motherfucker!

1. What is the FOURTH Rukunegara?

A. Free Anwar
B. Justice for Altantuya
C. 1Malaysia
D. Kedaulatan Undang-Undang
E. Dulu, Kini, Selamanya

2. Who was the FIRST UMNO president?

A. Datuk Onn Jaafar
B. Datuk Jaafar Onn
C. Altantuya
D. Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor
E. Stephen Rahman-Hughes

3. How many stripes do we have on the Malaysian flag?

A. 14
B. 1957
C. 31
D. 13
E. 52

4. How many STARS do we have on the Malaysian flag?

A. 1
B. 14
C. 31
D. 57
E. 52

5. Which of these is NOT a Malaysian company?

A. Khazanah
B. Petronas
C. Bata
D. Marrybrown
E. Malaysia Airlines

Happy Birthday Persekutuan Tanah Melayu

In the late '80s, the Elder God of Writing Alan Moore wrote, "I am thinking of taking my family out of here. It is cold and mean-spirited. I don't like it here anymore." Or words to that extent, in the foreword to his epic V for Vendetta comic book collection.

Moore wanted to move out of the UK and take his family with him. Perhaps joining fellow comic writer, God of Writing Neil Gaiman in the US.

The US used to be a great place to live, but I hear from online gamers that this has ceased to be true. The cost for healthcare is skyrocketing. I heard two nights ago that an ambulance ride will cost you US$2000. A scan is US$10,000.

Whereas in Malaysia, an MRI is around RM800. I know this because I have an ailing parent.

A friend of mine broke his leg a few years back, and because his wife is a nurse working for the Government, his knee surgery, warding and whatever amounted to RM11.

A retired civil servant can go to a Government clinic and get generic drugs for any ailment, at the price of RM1.

Sure, the system sucks. My father can't go to the Government clinics and hospitals, so we can't get the meds for him. We have to buy original stuff from pharmacies.

But the fact that Malaysia has cheap healthcare - not FREE, but cheap - is almost always lost on everyone.

Politicians don't see it, but since politicians have brains the size of the testicles of walnuts, I don't blame them. Let me take this opportunity to say that we should eat politicians during Raya. I mean, we eat cows, and cows are better, smarter and better-looking than politicians.

I hate politicians with the intensity of a thousand suns.

Okay, so anyway, let's list down the bad stuff in this country as well as the good stuff.

Bad:

1. Our politicians - on BOTH sides - are crap. Total utter useless pieces of shit that walk and talk and smear shit over everything. They lie, but not very well. They are evil, but due to their stupidity, only harm themselves and people dumb enough to trust them. So, it's a mixed blessing.

2. The price of cars are fucking expensive. But I don't give a shit, because I don't own or drive a car. Fuck you, motorists! I don't need a few tonnes of steel and bullshit to augment my already-bulbous penis.

3. Paradoxes. We have people protesting subsidies, who get angry when the Government remove some subsidies. What? Didn't you know that your fuel is heavily subsidised? Sugar is also subsidised as well as a few other things like your mama.

We have people yelling "Freedom of speech!" And then try to choke on that freedom by suing people. Dude, you should have yelled, "Freedom of Speech! For me! Not for you!" Or "CONDITIONAL freedom of speech!" Not the total freedom of speech you're preaching.

4. Level of knowledge and exposure - extremely low. If you have a headache, which of these medicines should you take? A. Codeine B. Tylenol C. Niquill D. Pseudo-ephedrine.

Have you watched all of these movies: Fight Club, Amelie, God of Cookery, Chungking Express, Visitor Q, Ichi the Killer, Welcome Back Mr McDonald, Goodbye Mr Chips, Summer Wars, Adaptation, Thank You for Smoking, Babe?

Which of these glands control your immune system: thyroid, thymus, pituitary, adrenal?

What is the difference between a capacitive touch-screen and a resistive one?

Who the fuck is Maurice LaMarche?

What are the seven layers of communication between machines?

You see, I understand that we specialise in different things. We know different things, which is good, because if everybody knew only what I know, planes would be falling out of the sky right now. But the basics. The basics.

In other words, I am so fucking smart and shit.

5. Racists. I hate pork, mutton, fish, having food stuck between my teeth, stomach-aches, fax machines, politicians, idiots, racists and racists in denial. In that order. I have no tolerance mainly for two things: people who disrespect and are intolerant of other people's creed and culture, and Koreans.

I mean, kimchi? What? Only thing that sounds worse than K-pop is Malaysian K-pop. K-pop is Korean pop. So Malaysian K-pop is Malaysian Korean Pop. As much as I am for interracial fucking, WHAT? Not only is Malaysian K-pop shitty, it's a fake!

I could go on all night. But, here's the flip side:

Good stuff about Malaysia:

1. Cheap healthcare. It's not free healthcare. It's not even good healthcare. But there's healthcare. I know that if someone shot me, I could go to University Hospital, get myself patched up and I'll be back on the warzone in say, three weeks (due to all the waiting). If I don't die from blood-loss.

2. The weather. I like hot weather. It justifies the Malaysian habit of turning on the air-conditioning at full blast for no fucking reason.

3. Food. Say whatever, but this country has the best food in the world. Available 24-7.

4. Proximity to Thailand. No matter what, Malaysia has this going for it. Malaysia is a neighbour to the greatest holiday country on earth - Thailand. The ONLY nation where the people don't bitch about their own country.

It's always, "I from Thailand! I love Thailand!" And they hate their politicians. They hate them so much, they change their Government like changing dirty diapers. But their country stays.

5. Our politicians are stupid. This is a blessing, really. Imagine if our politicians are smart. Say goodbye to your pension, savings, and whatever you have left. They will rob you blind. In the daytime. They'll come to your house and fuck you in the ass.

I don't want a RM2000 ambulance ride. What, do I get strippers in an ambulance? Whenever I pay RM2000 for something, it better have 10 hookers strapped to it, sucking my dick.

Thank God our politicians are so fucking retarded. Otherwise, we'd be the next America.

ANyway, in our rush to celebrate Hari Raya, I'd like to remind you idiots that it is also our independence day. Hari Merdeka.

My grandfather and your whatever fought for this - the freedom to govern ourselves and NOT be America. The freedom to do whatever the fuck we want, as long as we don't get caught.

Cheers!

Ones and Zeroes

I hate it when I do anything, a movie, a book, a site, and all the funders want is something that can be 'everything'.

"So what's your movie about? What is it?"

"It's a fable."

"Can it also be a romantic-comedy/action-adventure/thriller-horror/children-naive piece of shit?"

"... No, it's a fable."

"... well, everyone wants to see everything in just one movie."

That's stupid.

It's like saying, "Hey, for dinner, I would like to have steak, rice, ice-cream, cheese, raisins, oatmeal, ketchup, hot sauce, cake, donuts and coffee beans all blended and fed me through a straw. Stuffed in my ass."

You know what? I don't even use my phone to take pictures. I believe you should use cameras to take pictures. Your phone is for communication.

You wouldn't use a screwdriver to hammer a nail in, would you? Dumbass. You don't use your mouth as the de facto hole for everything, would you?

And no, the iPhone does not make you cool, nor is it a gateway to a whole new life filled with elves and gnomes.

Some go even further.

"Canon is for printers. Nikon is for cameras. Mitsubishi makes great washing machines and refrigerators. Suzuki can only make good bikes."

All Apple is ever good for is make great douchebags and fakes. And slow computers.

While it is dumb to have two or three phones to manage the same function (this one is for my wife. the other is for my mistress), I still believe that we should assign only one function to any one thing at any one time.

So no, I will not write a romantic-comedy/action-adventure/thriller-horror/children-naive piece of shit.

I'll just do a fable piece of shit.

The Hole

Just something before I sleep.

It felt like 2008 all over again. My old Boss Rocky is making waves with his new portal, even before it is launched.

Some people have been calling me for info, and I had to reiterate that no, I am not Rocky's PA, and that yes, perhaps I should ask for money to take calls and SMSes, and that no, I don't go to Press Club that much anymore.

Rocky talked about The Mole since two, three years ago. I had an idea for a different, unrelated site called The Hole. Like in Transmet (Transmetropolitan, Warren Ellis' comic book about journalism in the future).

The protagonist Spider Jerusalem in Transmet wrote for the newspaper The Word and then The Hole.

I fancied that The Hole would be a dumping ground for almost anything, drawing the lines at child pornography. If there were hot arguments, I'd put up a banner saying, "fire in The Hole!" and people who link to anything from the site would have automatic text saying "I found it in The Hole!" tagged to their social media thing.

"Put it over The Hole!"

"A Hole in One!" - iPad/Android/Playbook app

And so on.

As Carnifex and Psychopomp of The Hole, I would have had my login and display name to be The S with the Superman logo.

So when people ask, "Who is he?"

"He is The S!"

"S who?"

"The S from The Hole. The S-Hole!"

All that drama, so I could call myself an asshole. That would have been cool.

Somebody else could be Bung-Hole. Or Black-Hole.

But no. My ideas for The Hole are shelved at the moment, and Rocky went on to do The Mole. Which reminds me more of Moll Flanders than Mr Mole of Wind in the Willows.

Moll Flanders was a long saga of strife and survival in shitty ye olde England. And her name is pronounced 'mole'.

Ah, but if only I could do The Hole properly. I had the marketing plan and everything. It could possibly generate a lot of income. For everyone.

But for now, I shall bide my time. The Hole might not be The Hole when I finish it, maybe later in life. Maybe I'll call it FuckYouBitch.com or BijiKelentit.com or MaderFucker.com.

And the name is just the name. Any name is whatever. I mean, Google is a dumb name. What the fuck? Can't you spell googol?

One of my favourite sites is Pictureisunrelated.com. What a long-ass name, but I remember it. And so do millions of people, every day.

Pbfcomics.com Sinfest.com xkcd.com thebestpageintheuniverse.net - all beacons for Internet culture of stupidity.

Cause the minute you take yourself too seriously, you lose street cred and then you're dead.

Well, I wish my old boss and other old bosses well. I believe in taking as much information as one could, so another site would be fine and perhaps fun.

We shall see.

Cheerio!

Oh The Drama: Beyond Whatever

Almost every inch of my mind is telling me to go away and not do work for a spell.

The last time I took a holiday - when was that? I can't remember. I remember having so much fun at these hours, on the streets of Bangkok. Eating RM4 prawn-fried rice at a roach-infested stall.

I have been separated from Thailand - the source of all energy - for three long years.

This holiday, for Raya, is all I have to charge my depleted reservoir. I can no longer go 400% capacity, and tomorrow's day of work seems to be all I could muster before being completely depleted.

My mind needs the rest. You wouldn't believe how much I have done in the past few months, after leaving my job at The Malay Mail.

Physically, I broke down with illnesses several weeks ago, but now my body is fine. I just have to take care of my brain.

Since I was 23, when I started working, I have been sprinting when it is a marathon.

I am happy to report, though, that I am spiritually sound. My spirits are up, and all that hard work cultivating peace has turned out well for me.

I am still a high-level functioning sociopath, so that's all good.

Thank God I have all these people who stick with me through thick and thin. A few are angels, but mostly, I have demons for friends. Which is just the way I like it.

A good night's sleep, and I'll be okay for tomorrow. Everything looks bright, but for now, I am turning to the dark.

Vagabond: Calloused Feet and Bloody Paths

On Monday, I got my offer letter. I have officially joined NSTP's e-Media team.

The work is interesting. We get to solve problems and requirements of clients who want to have a bigger impact online, for whatever purpose.

I have some basic in programming, and will always be a writer until the day I die. However, the one true skill I have yet to acquire is marketing. I believe I am too dumb and rough to do actual marketing, no matter how many seasons of Boston Legal I have watched (all of them).

Here, I get to join in projects on a holistic level. I do not simply write, but I get to try and pitch in to solve some problems. Puzzles. I work together with a very competent team of people, from whom I hope to learn and acquire more skills.

Some people asked me, "What's your position?"

My answer is usually, "I'm a slave-warrior cat-girl Nuku-Nuku."

Bada-bing!

Call me whatever, man, as long as I enjoy what I do, I'd do it. I'm not that insecure about my dick to worry about what it says on my business card.

I've been the head of departments. I've been an editor. I owned a company. I've been involved in some landmark projects which I did mostly for the country. I was a pioneer. Blahblahblah.

I've always had angels and demons watch over me. It is to them that I give my thanks.

I've been offered VP positions as well as opportunities to go abroad. And there are millions of others who have done even more. I've worked with directors from the States, game designers and sat down with low-key billionaires. With a 'B', bitch!

If I've learned anything, the only thing I need to do is find something I enjoy doing. You can never forget about having fun. Life's too short to do anything else.

Anything that is related to the ego is bound to be disastrous. What the Muslims call 'ikhlas' means that you have to be true to your work and yourself.

I am neither smooth nor slick. I've always been a barbarian. From the east, yo!

I know what I will do.

But what I really need is to finish all my outstanding stuff, chase after some payments and have as much rest as I can get from Raya.

I spent the past few months working like crazy. I've travelled and sat down for hours, writing whatever that needs to be written.

I worked so hard, I fell really sick several weeks ago. I literally worked till I coughed up blood.

I will always be a vagabond. There are still many things I hope to do, before I turn 40. I am in no rush, though. Patience is a skill I have yet to learn, but I can wait.

Megalomaniacal Malaysia

I sat down for the breaking of the fast earlier, becuse I'm such a fucking good Muslim and shit, when this guy walked to my table and asked to sit there. Since there were no other tables, I said yes, sure.

BIG. FUCKING. MISTAKE.

The guy started ranting about how he's doing an international deal concerning stealing Internet.

I was not interested, so he did what any insane person who are insecure about their egos did - he started making imaginary phone calls on his cell, talking to such people as the Mr Gordon who became a Mr Jonathan at the end of the conversation. He spoke loudly, glancing at me several times to ensure I was listening - I didn't want to, but he was practically yelling at my ear.

Then he started to get angry, and talked to some guy in Africa who did not want to do business with him. His English was okay, but he's not accustomed to using the language.

In a last ditch effort to impress me, he spoke, over the phone, to a Datuk who was in Low Yat Plaza. What the fuck was a 'Datuk' doing at LowYat Plaza? At 7pm, in Ramadan? Then he changed it. The Datuk was at Royale Bintang, doing whatever Datuks do at Royale Bintang.

It got so annoying, if I had a knife, I would have stabbed him. In the face. Seven times.

All the while yelling, "From hell's heart, I stab thee, motherfucker!" with every jab.

This man was clearly disturbed (and I am not) and has a need for people to think well of him. He might have been told that he had potential, but then realised in his later years that potential, unrealised, simply means bullshit.

Some people get comfortable with potential, until they begin making excuses for themselves.

"I could have done that, if this happened."

"I could have achieved this if that happened."

"I could have been this. I could have been that."

In essence, all pure bullshit.

This guy, I believe, realised that, so went even deeper into his rabbit hole.

As I was eating, I did not feel angry at the man, but I just felt really bad. It's like seeing someone with an incurable disease buying Panadol cause he thinks Panadol will cure any disease.

I don't feel sorry for him, I just felt bad. It was like watching Saw. I judged him, yeah, and here's my final judgment - this is a man who had the opportunity to face himself and reality, but decided at the last moment, to bury himself even deeper into delusion.

If you are too scared to face reality, you will be drowning in your own fantasy. You'll buy your own hype. You'll fall victim to your ego, and you will finally believe that the person, the image that the ego has constructed to be the real you.

Newsflash: it's not.

Most of you are not one deal away from being a billionaire. Everybody does not love you. You are not a descendant of lost kings. You do not have a mandate from heaven to rule over all. You do not have superpowers.

You are a man. Or a woman. A person. No more, no less. That's it. That's what you have to work with.

Take it from me. My own delusion was that I was sent here to save people. The truth is, I could barely save myself. Made peace with that. If you die and burn and decay in front of me, all I could really do is shrug. And call an ambulance. I'm not a fucking hero.

All our obsession with positive reinforcement, building up self-esteem, the supernatural, all this are bullshit. If you don't have the balls to face what you are, instead of the bullshit 'who', you might as well go and kill yourself.

Or.

You could discard all pretenses and live like a man. Or a woman. Have some balls.

The crazy man said goodbye to me, and explained that he has these deals he's working on.

I did what I could do. I smiled. Nodded. And then I finished my plate of beriyani, farting slowly and quietly so as not to disturb the other crazy people behind me.

Intermission: Oh, the Drama!

It's 2am, and I am writing some shit. I'm working.

I might be taking a full-time job again. I want to do it, and the bosses seem okay with it. Am just waiting for the black and white, and I don't want to consider anything as a done deal before it is all written and stuff.

This is Raya season, Eid season, so I can't help but wank and be reflective and shit.

Man, a few months ago, I was in a very busy state. Extremely busy. So much so, I couldn't even breathe.

Did I give up? Fuck you! Rhetorical question, bitch!

Y'all know me. Still same OG. But I been low-key. Hated on by all these niggas with no cheese, no deals, no keys, no snowmobiles, no skis. - Dre

If you don't like it, you can suck my bulbous dick. A thing of writhing, pulsating monstrosity.

Took a while, but I think things are falling into place. I worked really hard for some of the stuff I have now.

Nobody asks about what I had to go through just to food on the table. Hypothetical table, of course. I don't own a table.

All those sleepless nights, very much like this one, squeezing my brain till I sometimes felt like I was going to drip brain from my ears.

I didn't complain, though. I do not believe in pain as a currency, or that pain entitles you to stuff. I think that's bullshit. ANyone - everyone - has the capability of going through pain.

Oh, so you were never given a chance. Well, fuck you! Join the club, bitch!

"Nobody understands me, nyeeee."

But maaaaaaaaaaaaam! Nyenyenyenyennye. BITCH! Fuck you. Fuck all of you who think you had it bad or you have it worse than everyone.

Nobody had or has it worse than those who went through Sudan, Rwanda, Bosnia, blablabla. There is still slavery in some parts of the world, so quit your whining and get to work, you son of a bitch!

I remember my parents not being able to afford everything we want. We had everything we need - and even that took a lot of effort - but we did not live in luxury. Air conditioning, is a luxury. Being able to buy whatever the fuck you want - luxury. being able to eat RM20 slices of cake - luxury. iPhone - luxury. Big screen TVs - luxury.

My father had to work harder than the pyramid slaves of Egypt, just to ensure food was abundant.

I hate food wastage. I hate it when people buy an expensive meal which they don't even know how to appreciate.

"Oh, truffles. *Snarf gorgle gulp*."

These past few years, I actually tasted, relished and felt each mouthful of food I shoved into my face-hole.

And then, I get people coming up to me and say, "I think we should follow my principles."

"And what principles would that be?"

"Oh, I don't know, something liberal and shit. Nyenyenyenyenye."

Fuck you. Take your pandering, bullshit ideals, spit-shine them up real nice, turn them motherfuckers sideways, give it a little tender kiss goodbye and SHOVE IT UP YOUR SHITHOLE. Shove it so far up, you could taste your own bullshit.

I know how it works. You pretend to be a character, and then hope people would place you in a box you like.

Wake up and realise this: No one has any time for you but yourself. Nobody gives a shit about you. You are not the center of the universe. Grow up and grow a pair. Balls, boobs, half-boob-half-balls, whatever, man.

Quit it with the popularity contests cause you know what? 99% of you are NOT popular. Beyonce - she's popular. Scarlett Johansson? Popular. You? You're a shit on a stick, compared to them.



Caption: Your graduation picture.

Nobody loves you. Nobody cares. They're all faking it. So fuck you.

Me? Well, I got nothing to say, except you're all dipshits and you can suck on my cock and lick my bunghole.

The Original

I wrangled a lot of things, including juggling schedules and whatever, just so I could finally buy a Windows 7 Home Premium retail package.

I'm so fucking excited, my nipples could be used to dig the next Eurotunnel. Cause their drills were diamond-tipped, okay? Cause diamond is hard and I am saying my nipples are hard. Cause I'm so excited. About Windows.

Fuck Apple Zealots, man, I'm establishing myself as a Microsoft fanboy, just for fucks. And also to maintain the balance between good and evil perception.

Used to be, story was, Apple was wronged, its destiny stolen by the evil Bill Gates. Big fucking deal. All I hear now is Apple suing Samsung.

For what? For 'stealing' their design? Well, maybe Pak Lah's ass-kisers should sue Apple because they launched a tablet PC called MakcikPC wayyy back in 2007:




This is before Apple's sanitary-pad-inspired iPad. Of course, Pak Lah was eliminated by a coalition of almost everyone, or Malaysia could have been like, a few years ahead of the world instead of 400 years behind. We STILL don't have an Inquisition. We came close, but no prize.

Of course, if Pak Lah was still in power, I bet we might all be eating our children by now. Ah, fuck politics.

I like both Microsoft and OpenSource shit.

My brother once showed me his PC, which had four operating systems on it. I don't know why he needs four, but yeah, big fucking deal, right?

So I asked him, "What's the best OS?"

"Windows!"

Windows is the most used, the most tried and tested, and you can do anything with Windows. Software developers for Windows have over 20 years experience developing shit for the Microsoft platform. So all is good.

Until... Windows 8. Windows 8, coming out in a couple/few years, will no longer support Win32, COM, MFC, ATL, Visual Basic 6, .NET, WinForms, Silverlight, WPF tech. They're going HTML 5 and JavaScript all the way.

Which means:

1. All you Computer Science students out there, learn HTML 5 NOW.

2. Fuck you, developers comfortable in your whatever the fuck you use. You're fucked! Go design an iPhone app that can see through clothing.

3. My dormant (gone) JavaScript skills remain a prized possession. If I can ever dust my compiler and start coding again.

Anyway, what this means to us consumers is to just sit and wait. Except for Vista, Microsoft has not really bungled that bad.

I'm happy to use my ORIGINAL, GENUINE copy of Windows 7 Home Premium. It comes with both 32 and 64-bit versions. I use 64-bit Windows 7 because it can run both 32 and 64-bit apps (all my freeware games run smoothly) AND most importantly, the limit for RAM is 128 GB, instead of 32-bit's 3.8GB.

I don't think I will be purchasing WIndows 8. I'll wait for Windows 9 or 10, after they've eased everyone in.

I'm still using OpenOffice and GoogleDocs, though, since I have yet to purchase the latest Office. I prefer OpenOffice cause it can save in anything.

After Raya, I might be installing Ubuntu into my system. I have three terabytes of free space. I used Ubuntu years ago, but then lost interest as Windows was doing almost everything faster.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to validate my OS and install Rainmeter.

The Science of (Local) Comedy

So I spent late last night talking about what's funny and what it means to write something that the masses would accept.

In the beginning, I have never envisioned myself as a writer for the masses. I understand that everyone is exposed to different things and I sure as hell didn't want to tell people to start reading what I read or watch what I watch.

Simply because:

1. No one will do what they are told to do.

2. I like the fact that different people read and like different things. If everyone liked the same thing, we're in trouble. We'd all be battling for the same girl, and she can only serve five guys at a time. You know, mouth, vagina, anus, two hands. And if her tits are big enugh, someone could straddle her and titty-fuck her brains out.

I believe only three things in the world are funny - sex, politics and religion. These three are so ludicrous and yet so pervasive, like a rash that won't go away.

The problem is localising it.

I was once in a meeting discussing what shows are the best written on TV.

"I think the best written show on TV is Boston Legal," I said.

"If you say that Boston Legal is the best written show on TV, then you don't understand Malaysian audience! Boooo!"

Well, that's true. I wasn't talking about general preferences, just mine and perhaps a few others, but the man has a point.

The Malaysian audience has been accused of so many things and a lot of elements are - as we speak - being dumbed down for mass consumption.

I said a few years ago that the challenge for this generation is to come up with stuff that works for all. A piece of work that functions on many different levels. Alan Moore did it, but yeah, Moore is a fucking genius.

I'm thinking, if I want to do something funny, it must be so fucking goddamned stupid so as to transcend stupidity a few revolutions.

Will it work? Hell, I don't know. Fuck it, I'll just write it.

But first, sleep.

STRET: A Quick One

Okay, just a quick one, but I just started a straight (heterosexual) movement on FB.

Here's the link: Join us, and become remaining men together.

http://www.facebook.com/groups/182900628445186/

Suck My Dick!

I'm back, motherfuckers.

After almost a week of having my PC die on me, I'm back with some new gear.

As I went back home, some idiots started pointing.

"Look! Who is that with the Intel Core i5 2500 - arguably the best processor in the world?"

"Up in the sky! Is that an Asus P8P67 LE motherboard?"

"Is it a bird? With 3TB worth of space!"

"Is it a plane? Plus Kingston DDR3 PC1333 RAM and an Asus EAH 5450 1GB DDR3 graphics card?"

No, fucktards! It's Captaiiiiinnnnnn Caveeeeemannnnnnnnnnnn!!! Barbarian of the East. The Yellow King from the East Who Shall Come in the Night and You Shall Not Know Him. It's just me, baby. It's just me.

Truth is, when my PC couldn't detect my hard disk, my old one, I thought, "Dammit. I need a new hard disk."

But then, I decided a few weeks ago to buy a new PC. Thought I needed to do it after Raya or end of the year. I guess it was written.

So anyway, I put my adventures running around town here, so I'm not going to repeat that.

After a day's worth of research online, I have decided on what processor, motherboard and RAM I want to use.

The Intel Core i5 2500 is a step down from the Core i5 2500K, which is said to outperform even the Core i7 in normal tasks. But that's after overclocking it. I don't want to overclock my PC. So I bought the Core i5 2500 that has its multipliers locked.

I need a motherboard that is both forward and backwards compatible. I have this wireless card thing and also would eventually max out any RAM requirements in a couple of years. The kind of multi-tasking I do, I need me some serious memory adaptability as well as huge storage spaces.

So I got an Asus P8P67 LE motherboard. It has 6 SATA things, two of them SATA 6Gb. 10 USBs (2 are USB 3.0), Firewire, eSATA support, blah blah blah. It also has two PCI-E slots if I want to add another monitor thing and three PCI slots.

I needed just a normal graphics card, so I got myself the Asus EAH 5450 1GB D3 card. Cheapest 1GB graphics card on most lists. There are cheaper ones, but I'm going with Asus this time. If Asus sucks, I'll go with Gigabyte next.

Kept my casing, 460W power supply, and the wireless card thing. Plus my trusty 1TB hard drive.

I love shopping at All IT Hypermarket, even though the techs 'forgot' to give me back my old 4GB DDR2 RAM when they handed my old system back to me. I'm tracking it back tomorrow.

Actually, I wanted to go with them instead of other places because the tech was very honest. He told me that the only thing wrong was the hard disk.

Yeah, that's right. Despite other people, numerous experts telling me everything from CPU to motherboard to power supply being faulty, it was actually what I thought logically was the culprit - the damned hard disk drive, which I have used for six years.

Oh well. Fuck that, man. I wanted a new system, I knew what I wanted and I got it.

I forgot to tell the techs to save my data on the 1TB hard disk, so they formatted everything. My reaction? I just smiled while sitting down pant-less at home. Look! No pants!

Cause all the really important stuff, the scripts, documents, receipts, I have it here in my portable hard drive. 500GB of it. Safe and sound.

What I lost were just junk which I can download later.

I'm downloading OpenOffice and Avira and shit, but I need to buy original Windows software. Currently using a 30-day trial version.

This week, or this weekend, I'm going back to All IT at Ikano and buy a genuine Windows 7 thing for RM330. This package has both the 32-bit and 64-bit versions.

Before that, I'll look online if Ubuntu can be better. Hehehe.

East Side

People, especially dumb people, love absolutes.

"Do you support the Government or the opposition?"

Neither. I'm in it for me, so fuck you.

"Mac or PC?"

I don't give a shit. Whatever gets the job done. No. Casio. Yeah, man, I love me some Casio.

"Pro-gay or anti-gay?"

That's like asking me whether I'm pro-skub or anti-skub. If being anti-gay gives me money, then hell yeah, God hates them. If being pro-gay makes me happier, then go Anwar!

It's not my issue. Not my thing. None of these things matter to me.

I'm thinking of a more balanced, calmer society. I think there are lots of things that can be done to make all our lives better.

I don't and won't fight for other people's ideologies. Sympathiser? I don't have any sympathy for these rich fuckers who have time and energy for ideologies. I am all for myself. And maybe a few others.

I don't care who wins or loses. I don't care who's right or wrong. Fuck you. If anyone is fighting for their rights on bloody streets, I'm running for the hill!

Call me a faggot. I don't give a shit.

My business is entertainment and making money. Not to save the world. I'm not that fucking noble. I'm always on my side, motherfucker. I don't stand for anything, and I don't fall either. I sit down, very gently, and I fart.

I believe that scientists should govern. Not school-leavers, assholes or lawyers. Scientists. Engineers. Physicists. You know, smart people. And smart people don't graduate from liberal arts.

I mean, a bomb goes off in KL. A nuclear bomb. The force of 100 hiroshimas. What the fuck is the liberal arts major gonna do? Dance until the radiation goes away? What the fuck!

"Help! I'm melting! I'm melting!"

"Hold up, I'm gonna dance for you and shit."

Fuck all these leaders, man. Get me a scientist. An engineer. Somebody who has heard of this thing called logic.

The world's leaders are now mostly dumbass buffoons with degrees majoring in nothing. This is one of the reasons why we're fucked.

In the US, you know how they're handling the economic crisis? By praying.

First, they just print money. Now they're praying. In a fucking stadium. What the fuck for? Is it going to rain gold? What, they gonna discover diamonds in Nevada? What, motherfucker, what?

In every debate, I'm usually the only true chaotic neutral, while douchebags pretend to be centrists.

They pretend to be non-racist, apolitical, but I got their number. They're evil, evil people and as soon as my fight wit stupidity is overn I'm coming after evil.

The Lonely Race

I do not hold the same values as any of you.

That does not make me special. Or retarded. That's just me, baby.

For years, decades, I have been on a lonely race with myself. I was and still running, to find why and where.

Though I must say, these days, you can usually find me at the drinks stand, getting extra cups of isotonic drink.

Energy

Everyone emits energy in waveforms. In certain frequencies, this can cause fear (infrasound), happiness or whatever.

One of the things I had and perhaps am having a hard time controlling is the emission of these things.

I believe that when one is truly aware, he/she/it can determine the atmosphere and surroundings by just being whatever.

The key is awareness, and I must say that most of the time, I am still very much asleep.

In order to be aware, you must first accept yourself and your situation as well as all situations around you, and then ALL situations. You need to make peace with the present moment. Not SAY that you are at peace, but BE at peace.

It is much more difficult than it seems, and a simple slip-up can unleash the kind of destruction that Armageddon is made of.

Very complex, but something I am interested in. Not to affect other people, but merely to be truly at peace with myself and the present moment.

Buddha Beam!

A lot of people quote Buddha. Some Muslims claim Buddha and sometimes even Krishna, as Muslim prophets.

However, these people, along with some Buddhists, don't even know what Buddha stood for.

Then, I suggest you get yourself educated about Buddha, regardless of what the reason is and who you are.

I'll tell you that exploring Buddhist philosophies have helped me immensely, growing up.

I always thought that Buddha was like, cool and mellow. Which is good, because when I was in my early 20s, I was very emotional.

To me, being emotional I'd ultimately dumb. Meanwhile, having no emotion means you're better off dead. The only situation which makes sense, is to only experience true emotion.

I define true emotion as feelings that we experience from our selves. If we feel anything because of alcohol or the ego, then that is not real. It is manufactured and ultimately false.

Buddha only has simple teachings. Therefore, the original Buddhist philosophies are also very simple, with no magic or other types of bullshit.

There's the Four Noble Truths:

1. Mankind is suffering/lives in pain.
2. If man can live without pain, then the suffering will end.
3. Pain/suffering is caused by desire.
4. We can control desire/eradicate pain by using the Eightfold Ways.

I don't think I got all these right, because my memories of learning them in school are hazy.

I do remember that the Eightfold Ways are just a bunch of good things.

What is desire? I believe that desire is poison and at the root of any and all desire, is a thirst, a hunger. And all thirsts and hungers come from a hole in our soul.

A feeling of incomplete-ness, that is the basis of desire. Of not having enough. Of not BEING enough.

I believe that any hole that we feel is in our soul can only be diminished if we stopped creating it.

I believe that the 'missing part' is there because we believe it is there. We strain against it, wishing for it to not be there, further strengthening its existence.

There is only one way, and not eight. Accept it. Embrace the hole, the hunger, the thirst, the pain.

Acceptance.

In Christianity, there's a saying I'm going to take out of context - accept this yoke, and be free.

Gua Cool, Bro!

Gua nak beli kereta Proton Wira, pastu tukar logo depan dia dengan logo Mitsubishi. Mesti semua Bangla kat tempat gua ingat gua pakai Mitsubishi siut!

Gila gua menang kerek dengan Bangla!

Pastu, gua nak letak spoiler tiiiinnnnggiiiiiii sangat kat kereta gua. Supaya mak gua senang sidai kain.

Gila gua tak payah buat ampaian siutttt! Gila syokk!

Gua ingat, gua nak simpan duit banyak-banyak, lepas cukup RM800, gua pasang sound system gempak punya! Gila lu! Mana ada pakcik Indon bikin bangunan ada stereo RM800! Gua menang lagi, bro!

Nanti, bila lalu kat tempat ramai orang, gua pasang lagu Justin Bieber kuat-kuat. Mesti semua aweks cakap, "Gila la brader tu! Ada sistem stereo RM800 dalam kereta Mitsubishi dia! Yang tu! Yang ada ampaian kat belakang tu! Ha'ah. Yang ada bra RM10 dapat 3 pasang tu."

Gila aweks broo! Nanti gua terkinja-kinja macam beruk, mesti diorang suka, brooo!

Gua cool la, brooo!

All IT Hypermarket

I'm going to All IT Hypermarket tomorrow. I called them just now and the guy said they have everything I want in stock. In fact, he said they have lots of it in stock.

However, a previous guy said they do not have the motherboard I want.

I am actually okay with a similar motherboard that is more or less the same price, but if I find out that I was being lied to, I'll take my business elsewhere and never again shop at All IT Hypermarket. Ever.

I go to shops that have good customer service and so far, All IT Hypermarket has surpassed Lowya and Digital Mall.

Oh well. I shall write about my further adventures tomorrow.

Ego Battles for the Poor

I am very particular about buying computer stuff because IT purchases have become a sort of egotistical ritual.

You see, poor people can't buy real estate. Their choice for cars are limited. There's the amazingly stupid Kancil Turbo or the Gen2 with stupid spoilers. Or a Proton Wira with a Mitsubishi logo.

These are what dumbass poor people buy to prop up their egos.

When buying computer stuff, the poor dumbasses would be concerned with only one thing: LOOKING knowledgable about computers.

It's not getting a good deal. It's not acquiring a tool which can generate income or give them enjoyment. It's all about image. And image is all ego.

"I know about this world too! Nyeeeeeeee!" Is basically what they're saying.

But they don't. Even the shopkeepers, most of them aren't that well-versed. In other words, talk only. I have dealt with scores who don't know their products or even what they have in stock. Sometimes, it's intentional, to cheat money from you.

With computers, I trust the Internet. If a site ran some tests and the processor blew up, I don't give a shit what the seller says. Fuck you, I'm not buying that shit.

I don't know everything there is to know about computers, and I don't pretend to. I rely on people who have tested the equipment themselves and have no vested interest in lying about the product.

Most importantly, when making any purchase, remember that you are not being judged. You're being scalped. So minimise the loss of your scalp and your water-face be damned.

I don't mind if everyone in the world thinks of me as a fool, as what people say or think does not change the truth. And the truth is, I am a fool because I refuse to take advantage of certain situations and play with the egoes of dumnbasses in order to get discounts for my machine.

Just remember, as a customer, you should not feel ashamed for anything. There's no reason to. Sellers need to be ashamed.

The Hunt for the Red October

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Sensitivity Issues

First, it was the 8tv ad, which some sensitive people or people trying to gain political mileage decided was too fucking incendiary and racist. Then, it was The Star with a dumb ad for pork ribs in the middle of Ramadan.

I'm standing here saying you're all fucking retards. ALL of you.

The people who did it, the people who got all sensitive while dropping racist slurs with your friends either while breaking fast or while eating pork.

You, all of you, are bloody fucking retards. What, is your father also your brother or something, you incestuous, pretentious, fake, hypocritical bullshit motherfuckers.

What this is, is simply lines being drawn. Racist tensions have been building up for quite a while right now, and this bullshit is just a symptom.

What we need now is a nuclear power plant right smack dab in the middle of KL. I hope you all melt under the heat of all that radiation.

Cause you know, you're really bothered by the ads or by JAIS stomping into church. In fact, you don't give a fuck. The only thing this is, is just you trying to express your racism by pretending to be a victim.

"I'm a victim, nyeeeeeh!" You're not a victim. Somebody who got raped, that's a victim. You get robbed? You're a victim. You get beat up, you're a victim. Watching and reading ads doesn't make you a victim. It just means that you got thrown an ad your way. Stop overreacting, assholes.

This is all about scoring points, nothing to do with ideology or sensitivities, so fuck you, fuck your mother, fuck your father, roll dem bitches tight, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and go fuck yourself on a durian, motherfucker.

Hell yeah, I'm smart, and dumb enough to utter truths no one else will admit. You're all fucking hypocritical racist retards and you can suck my dog's dick for all I care.

May you die a painful and prolonged death.

Lose Yourself

Tomorrow starts my two-day PC extravaganza.

We shall see what can be done.

Something Borrowed, Something New

Tick-tock, tick-tock. With my computer on, I always see myself as living on borrowed time.

I gotta finish this by 2am. Have to send emails before 7am. This, that, blah blah blah.

Without it, I can finally catch my breath. It has been a very busy week.

I got a lot of stuff going, and I always love getting challenged with creative problems. It is how I get my kicks.

All my life, my enjoyment comes from solving stuff. This is why I have a penchant for girlish games. Games designed for girls are usually problem-based.

I am currently juggling a lot of stuff that's on my plate, as usual. The only difference is, I am beginning to have fun doing it. It is not insurmountable. It is not dictated by the whims of ancient gods. It is merely goals - and how to meet them. I guess I am growing older. Mr Teh was right. The older you get, the more shit (damage) you can take. Mentally, of course. My body screams for rest sometimes. I'm no longer a sprightly 23-year-old who can go for three days with half an hour of sleep.

But I can still fuck like a motherfucker.

Fun

I always hate it when we forget to have fun. That's just fucked up.

I view almost everything as a game, which is why I don't want to be a doctor. Never. Ever. Or else, I might be playing games with people's lives.

Though I do see everything as a game, those who have seen me play Super Robot Wars Alpha Gaiden would know that I am willing to stay on something for 10 years.

I've been playing games that I like for more than 10 years. Over a decade of unlocking almost all of the details in a complicated thing. Which is why I cheat a lot. Once I can use a hex editor on a game, that's it. I'll lose interest. Otherwise, I'll play the damned thing till I'm 40.

Hex editors are a must. I use GameWizard, but also tried the classic GameMaster and whatever else to hack into a game. You can also change the rules of some game if you dare to edit some files like *.ini for Red Alert and regedit files. I believe that how we play games reveal how we face life. Just actions, not who we really are, blah blah blah.

Keturunan Setan Berantai

Selepas beberapa lama, aku berjaya meredakan setan aku. Setan yang juga aku.

Kuasa Carutan Tidak Keruan

Bijik Kelentit!

Mak kau suka isap bijik kelentit sendiri! Memang dia akrobat, patut masuk sarkas sama bapak ko - anjing melompat buat stunt.

Kau suka jilat skrotum ane selepas ane seharian menebar roti canai.

Ane tu pun cakap, "Aiyooyooo! Manyak sejuk la! Ada makan itu Halls ka? Serupa air cond juga!"

Kau suka ambik lobak putih besar, pastu rodok kat puki! Rodok! Rodok! Rodok! Dasar puki gatal, gentel bijik tak puas-puas.

Tak hilang miang pantat lepas tusuk puki pakai buluh.

No-Heart

For a long time, I practiced not allowing anyone to make me feel anything.

It has resulted in a lot of awkward moments, but from a very young age, I recognised that something is wrong when things other than yourself make you feel anything.

Later, exploring New Age philosophies, I discovered a theory. It goes like this: we make ourselves feel whatever. Nothing else does. Which actually fits into my belief system.

When you have discarded everything else and the core of your being stands naked in front of God, what else is there to influence you?

Again, I subscribe to only one philosophy - I do not mind what happens.

Pride comes before the fall. Fear is the mind killer. And I don't give a fuck.

1001 Ways to Say I Don't Give a Shit

Meh.

What Amir Wants

Here's what I want:

I want an i7 quad-core Intel processor, a kick-ass motherboard, 8GB DDR3 RAM, 5TB SATA HDD, graphics card, sound card, a 20" monitor and maybe a new chair.

I want to stay in my apartment and cook. I want to go to the gym again. I want to work in peace. I want to help people, without jeopardising my own work.

I want to have enough time to do everything I want to do.

I want to play board games. I want to play Yu-Gi-Oh. I want to have enough sleep. I want to shit twice a day. I want to be able to walk to work. I want to be able to use whatever skill I have at an optimum level, with nothing holding me back.

I want to make things happen. I want to face success or failure with an open mind and an open heart.

I want freedom.

It is all essentially freedom. Empirically. It is the most valuable thing I can have.

Suck My Dick

How we judge others is how we see ourselves.

I got some people who came to me and said, "She said this about me! Meeee!"

And I was like, "So?"

They flub their lines and trip over their words. Trying to answer "So?"

Cause you see, there is a truth, and no matter what people say, no matter what you or I shout, the truth remains the same.

My girlfriend says I'm awesome. I say "thank you, I know." Some of my acquaintances try to tell me how little they think of me, and usually I just wait for a fart.

So am I awesome, or am I a bumbling stupid guy? Truthfully, I'm neither. I'm just me, baby. I'm just me.

I've always been lucky, and I have always worked hard at every opportunity. I believe that not giving it your all is disrespectful to opportunity. And like disrespecting food, if you don't value the things that you do have, more things will go away. If you do appreciate your present, and it will show as actions, you will be able to open new doors.

I have no expectations, and I have no ambition. Here is the only thing I practice nowadays - I do not mind what happens. I'm not a greenhorn trying to prove myself, or an old guy trying to get enough money for retirement. Regardless of whatever else, I'm just me, bebeh. I'm just me.

A Hard Day's Flight of the Osiris

Day is done. I think things went well.

I just can't keep my mind off the board games. I think after I settle some stuff, like my PC and my debts, I want to buy a board game.

Strategies and combos keep playing in my head. Calculations. Timing. Order of business. I think I'll gather some geeks and force them to play. Maybe chain them up and break their feet.

Damn board games.

Well, I got to think about my next desktop. And before that, I need to chase after some payments. Sent an invoice today, and was offered another thing, which requires a meeting on Saturday.

Man, thank God/Yahweh/Atheismo that I have gotten over my 20s. I don't play stupid games anymore. Just board games. And some games I have been saving for 10 years.

Oracular Whatever

Contrary to popular belief, I don't know everything. I never did.

But I believed.

Death of a PC

Well, it's probably giving up the ghost. My PC, my love, my life, crashed with a severe blue screen twice in two days. This comes as no surprise to me. This is an old system which I continuously upgraded for 10 years.

It has suffered a lot of abuse in my hands. I often would plonk down as much data as it could store, and every time it's on, I would have a minimum of 100 browser tabs running. Mostly Wikipedia.

The system has crashed a few times before, which is why I was rushing all those deadlines in July. I knew that the old thing could die off at any time, after Raya and was planning on buying a new one if my finances picked up before then.

All these immediate problems started as soon as I was browsing for some PCs online. I guess the soul in the machine somehow knew that it was going to be replaced. Actually, that's bullshit. Machines don't have souls. But yeah, makes sense. To idiots.

Fact of the matter is, this is an old system which has suffered the brunt of my typing and gaming as well as heavy surfing.

Now, I have two options:

1. Figure out what exactly is wrong with it and simply replace the parts. This would save money but in a few months, something else might break.

2. Buy an entirely new system.

I think I might take the middle road. I'll probably take the usable parts - the RAM, the graphics card, the casing, the power supply, keyboard and mouse, then buy a new motherboard, processor, and primary hard disk.

For that, I need people who owe me money to pay up, and pay up soon. Let's get ready to rummmmbllllleeeee...!

Okay. Time to sleep now.

Cheers!

Information Flow

At the base of everything I do, I only really have one talent. I recognise information flow.

Information is never the same. It is constantly changing, coloured, peppered by perception, viewpoints, emotions and whatever else. Data is constant. Information is a variable.

Imagine the world as being made up of many little different worlds. Like the human body is made up of many different systems and the different systems are made up of different organs and each organ is made up of cells.

In each world, there is a flow. Medicine calls it lymph, blood, air, fluids, whatever. Some bullshit martial arts call this 'chi'. But really, all we ever transmit is just information. Code. Data. Ones and zeroes. Words. Spells and grimoires.

Even sperm is just a message of proteins - a blueprint for the construction of a human. Essentially it is our way of sending a message to the future.

Everything is just data. And what is data but a union of music and math?

He who wields information, has the universe for a sword. With mastery of information, you can change worlds and create realities.

Law, politics, marketing, even physics, is basically a manipulation of information.

I am not a creator of information. Information cannot be created or destroyed. I do not go and hammer at information structures or systems. I do not wish information to be any different than it already is. I just observe the flow.

This is my one and only skill.

Vagabond: Heaven and Earth Shift+Ctrl+End

They say a journey is when you go for fuck-knows how far and then come back to where you start with fresh eyes. Or dick.

I feel like my journey is almost ending. One of my journeys. But I have no expectations. I know that as a vagabond, I am merely a transient. A grifter. The monk Wet Dream said, "I come with the wind, I go with the wind." as he gets carried away by the security in God of Cookery. Fuck, not many know my pop culture references. Well, fuck you.

Nothing lasts forever, and before I start something, I always envision how the end would be like.

You can't do anything if you're not prepared to lose everything. It's all or nothing, man. I go anywhere my feet and my ass bring me, and I have never compromised on whatever fuck values I stand for.

If I'm going for something, if something is a task that I need to fulfill, I will hack and slash anything that stands in my way. Fuck you. Fuck all-a-you who doubt me!

People think focus is when you sit down and furrow your brows. Fuck that shit. That's just an expression. Focus means that you do this, this whatever it is, and fuck everything else.

I don't believe in magic, in destiny, astrology, all that bullshit. I don't believe in the lies of men, gods, women, animals, plants, whatever the fuck.

But I have been shown many times that there are places for dreams to come true, and that all you need is to be present. Not DO present. BE present.

Never do bad things. Always do good, if not great shit.

For far too long, I have allowed other forces, other people, to dictate where I go and what I do. Fuck that shit, man.

I'm the best at what I do so stay the fuck out of my way.

Hillary Vs Obama 2

Obama just bent over backwards and asked the Republicans to fuck him in the ass, during their latest negotiations.

Now, I think Hillary Clinton would have made a better negotiator. She wouldn't have caved in like that, despite her support for husband Bill in the Monica Lewinsky bullshit.

I think Hillary could have saved the US' credit rating and we wouldn't be in danger of screwing up the global economy.

Furthermore, she's a Jew and Jews know how to save money.

Off With His Head! D-dance Till You're Dead!

I am a KononSewer of certain things. Not everything, but some stuff.

Like, fried cow's lungs. I love it, and I know how it is prepared with just one bite. My dream this Ramadan, is to buy cow lungs and get my mother to fry them.

Aku Dah Tua

Orang Malaysia ni, aku rasa, dah lupa daratan. Dah jadi ikan duyung, lama sangat main air.

Ramai dah tak ingat cerita-cerita dan bahasa lama. Tak kira la Melayu ke, Cina ke, India ke.

Aku pun sama jugak.

Aku pernah translate, 'Ali guides fatimah towards his watering hole.' menjadi, "Ali memandu Fatimah ke lubang jubur taiknya sebelum pergi ke pub dan minum arak." Dia kata salah?

Soalan: Apakah beza Lebai Malang, Pak Pandir dan Pak Kadok? Tak tau? Cerita dia lain la. Salah seorang main laga ayam, dan bukan Pak Pandir.

Kalau aku cakap, "Four men defeat Zhuge Liang", ada orang Cina boleh bagitau aku maksud peribahasa tu?

Maksudnya, kalau orang bodoh sekali pun, kalau ramai, kalah gak orang pandai. Zhuge Liang adalah mamat paling pandai dalam Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Aku baca sendiri, pasal arwah datuk aku asyik cerita pasal Abu Nawas.

Abu Nawas, Abu Nawas, Abu Nawas. Aku kesian dulu kat orang tua tu. Dia tak ada member nak borak. Orangnya pandai. Tuan tanah berjaya. Keluarga dia, orang hebat-hebat. Tun Razak adalah datuk sepupu aku. Keluarga diorang jenis belajar tinggi-tinggi, pastu masuk gomen.

Datuk aku, duk kat kampung je. Jaga pokok durian. Dia boleh cakap Bahasa Arab dan Inggeris.

Datuk belah bapak aku pulak, asyik cerita pasal kerja keras. Orang sekarang ni, tak ada yang kerja keras macam dia. Tak kira la, apa bangsa. Cina pun dah ikut Melayu jadi pemalas. Sorry. Meleis.

Zaman dulu, datuk aku tidur berbantalkan batu bata je. Lapik dengan kain. Pasal taknak tidur best, supaya boleh bangun pagi senang.

Keluarga Cina aku, Kantonis, jadi amat pentingkan air muka. Kecuali pakcik aku yang best. Dia pedulittaik.

Orang sekarang tak paham apa itu susah. AKu tengok kadang-kadang, makan membazir. Aku percaya, kalau kau tak hormat pada rezeki, tak hargai benda tu, rezeki susah nak datang.

Bukan magik, tapi attitude. Aku tengok ada budak. Makan McD. Pastu nak makan Chili's pulak. Bukannya habis Chili's. Pastu nak beli mainan. Pasal apa? Pasal dah diajar, satu-satunya cara mendapat kasih sayang adalah apabila dia dibenarkan membazir.

Bodoh.

Beranak ramai-ramai. Tak reti nak jaga. Didiklah budak tu macam tu.

Lepas tu, ko layan mak bapak ko macam anjing, anak kau tengooook je. Nanti, kaulah anjing tu. Hahaha.

Pergilah mampus.

Aku ingat datuk-datuk dan nenek-nenek aku. Semua hidup susah. Datuk aku suka minum air dengan timun diracik. Pasal apa? Pasal zaman dulu, takde peti sejuk. Racik timun tu, masuk dalam air, gila sejuk la tu.

Bapak aku, batuk pun nak air sejuk nak mampus. Sepanjang hidup dia asyik minum air suam. Peti sejuk tu benda baru tu. Rumah aku takde air-cond. Kipas siling tu dah mewah sangat dah.

Zaman dulu, bapak aku beli kereta Opel Kadett. Kereta Jerman. Harga? RM10,000. Sekarang, kereta harga RM10,000 ko buat besi buruk boleh la.

Alaaaaa... aku dah jadi orang tua la. Nak sambung buat kerja. Sikit je lagi ni.

Ambition

To me, ambition is for before you are 25. After you're 25 years of age, you are too busy working to fantasize what you want.

The problem I have with ambition, is because it's about WHO you want to be. Not WHAT you want to get. If it's a what, that's a goal. Goals are fine. The BE stuff, is dumb, for older people.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a detective or a scientist. It was either that or a firefighter.

As I entered my teens, I wanted to be a financial speculator. Like George Soros. But I soon discovered I was too dumb to be in finance. My ego was all about "I will never lie" and it is this arrogance that prevents me from being an effective lawyer or finance person.

So, I decided to become a hacker, because I wanted to fuck Angelina Jolie. And then become a writer after I hit 55. So I took computer science with networking as a major.

As I was about to graduate, I felt something was wrong and I have always trusted my instincts. So I joined a cult and faced myself like Luke Skywalker did in that cave. Turned out, I wanted to be a writer.

So I said fuck off to the world of computers, and became a writer. I thought that was it. I was going to stay at that job until I die. And then things happened and I had no choice but to leave. I continued writing. Did production for a few years, and then went back to journalism.

By this time, I no longer had any ambition. Right now, today, if you ask me, my goal is simply to do work and to do good work. I don't want to be anything. I want to have freedom. I don't want to be 'Captain Freedom' or Freedomonster. I just want to have the ability to sit back and relax. And fight stupidity.

I am happier than I was 10 years ago. Simply because I do not mind what happens.

I've done some stuff - some good, some bad. ANd realistically, I will continue to do some good and some bad stuff.

There's nothing I'd rather be.

Positive/Negative Affirmation = Delusion

I have gone through quite a few motivational courses and have met a lot of people who are believers in either being positive or simply being negative.

While courses and whatever can work for you in different ways, forcing yourself to be either positive or negative is bullshit.

You can taste the pretentiousness and the fakery from a mile away. You can smell it from another continent.

There are several acts.

1. Being jaded

Some people pretend to be jaded about everythin. As if they have gone through everything life has to offer. Newsflash, asshole: You haven't. You can only make that claim after you are no longer alive. So unless you're dead, shut the fuck up and spare me the cynical bullshit.

2. Always great

Some people believe it is a sin to be sad or morose. That it's wrong. Fuck you. Sometimes, you are sad or morose. Sometimes, you are happy. The only way to stay happy is to snort crystal meth until you die, which if you have two kilos worth, you can probably die in 2 hours.

These people, when they ask me, "How are you, Amir?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

"JUST fine?"

"I'm okay, really."

"OWH-KAY? OKAY? That's it?"

"Listen, dumbass, take your fake concern, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it up your candy ass!"

I've worked very hard through my youth to get to a stage where I am quite comfortable and happy just being fine. I take pleasure from just sitting down and not doing shit. I take pleasure in doing my work. I no longer need to get drunk or high and dance on a pole in order to be happy.

And you know what? Most people don't need all these other things. A lot of us just prefer to sit down and read a book and not be bothered.

The 'jaded' ones, meanwhile, are also fake. I hate them. Nothing makes them happy other than telling people how unhappy they are.

"I got a raise, but hell, man, I need more so I can migrate. And it's only a measly 2,000 dollar raise."

Listen, asshole, if you really are miserable anywhere, just get on a boat and become a boat person. Boat people sure have it better than you. Cause they're on a boat.

Some people don't realise that there are kids in Malaysia, who have never eaten a single fast food item, cause they so poor. You don't believe me? I can round up a few hundred of them kids.

These people move to extreme ends of the spectrum because they are racists and judgmental. They do not comprehend the fact that people can be all sorts of different things at all sorts of different times. And that different things make people happy or sad.

I am sad when I watch dog movies or that Futurama episode. I get angry when I think of stupidity. I do not like stupid, racist people, but I don't let them get to me anymore. I will kill them all, but without any hatred.

I am happy and contented, reading the latest issue of a translated Detective Conan comic book while drinking a RM1.50 glass of tea. I am happy when I wake up and find that all my work is done. I am happy sitting down and doing my work, without rushing. I am happy to be around some people I like. I am happy when I settle my debts. I am happy when I turn on my fan and it works. I am happy drinking plain water from my water dispenser. I am happy when I could help.

These are all just great. There's no drama. No bullshit. I just love living an uncluttered life.

But most of the time, I just want to be left alone. Without these bullshit pole-enders coming to me and either asking me how my day was or trying to lump their pain in a contest to see who is in more agony. I'm not in agony, thank you very much, so fuck you and your family. May you all die of radiation poisoning.

Malays Vs Meleis

I believe DAP is perhaps the most evil organisation on earth. The most racist, hypocritical, conniving organisation that mankind has ever seen.

However, my fight, is not against evil. For I, too, am an Ancient Spirit of Evil. No. My fight, is against stupidity.

And there's nothing more stupid than the Meleis.

Don't get me wrong. There are 'Malays' and 'Melayus' who are generally easy-going people. They like nothing better than to sit back, relax, and chill. And stuff their pie-holes. Friendly and polite, it is a wonder that such a generous people as the Malays managed to survive all these years.

Malays are as diverse as the Han Chinese. As the Han are different even on a genetic level, so are the Malays with their Bugis, Javanese, Batak-ese, Champa, whatever-ese mixed ancestry.

The Malays established this country, on this land. Such luminaries as Tun Razak, my grand-uncle, Tunku Abdul Rahman, Tun Hussein Onn and even Dr Manhattan himself - Tun Dr Mahathir, are all Malays.

True Malays are smart. You wouldn't know what hit you, or who, until 30 years later. With their humility shit, their actions and talents are hidden, until it is too late for their enemies.

Then, there are the Meleis. Dumbass motherfuckers who take pride in bullshit. These are the monkeys we see on TV. The ones on motorcycles, trying to run past the police who have fucking SUB-MACHINE GUNS. The douchebags - rich and poor - who beat up their wives and girlfriends. The cheating spouses - mostly men - but also includes dumbass women with itchy, smelly cunts.

These are the insecure ones. The dumbass ones. The ones who want everyone to agree with them and their world views, or you are against them.

Rempits are Meleis. Junkies are Meleis. Dumbass idiots are Meleis.

Notorious figures include Anwar, Zaid, Ibrahim, and some people whom if I mention, will land me in Kamunting.

Meleis only think about breeding and almost nothing else. They're like a virus with no known cure. Maybe slavery will shake them up, but that will also affect normal Malays.

So, for you Melayus, you have a choice. Be a Malay - polite, considerate, compassionate, intelligent, hardworking - or be a dumbass Meleis. As with everything, free will is a bitch.

Me? I'm a half-breed, bitch. The Malays have a pantun:

Kalau roboh Kota Melaka
Papan di Jawa hamba dirikan
Kalau roboh papan di Jawa
Kota Melaka hamba dirikan

It means, I get to choose as well.

Malaysia Airlines + AirAsia

Yeah, yeah, while I was busy playin board games at av resort somewhere, Twitter was rife with the news that Malaysia Airlines is probably being bought over by Air Asia.

While racists and politicians are racing to spin this into something they could use against their targets, I am quietly observing things from a distance.

As a non-rich person, with no stakes to gain or lose, this has nothing to do with me. Unless... well... we shall see what happens.

I don't care who's making money. Envy is not my sin. Wrath is. If I have to pay more to go anywhere, I say we should burn the whatever we can burn.

But for now, let's just sit down and wait like good little people and wait for the most opportune moment with which to vent our anger. At someone. Or something.

Church and State

I went out of KL to do work, and JAIS raided churches. What the fuck, man?

Is my sheer presence the only thing keeping this country from descending into stupidity?

If I ever leave, the brain drain will probably leave a vacuum that would materialise as an audible 'pop'.

Hey, JAIS, even if people want to convert to Christianity, and even IF churches are handing out money to poor people in order to recruit them, why the fuck not?

I mean, has JAIS given a shit about these people? With all our Islamic values of charity, peace and terrorism, have we ever stopped to help out junkies and poor people in this country - a majority of which are Muslims?

In my village, some poor folks got help from some churches. SOme of the other villagers got pissed off, I think probably because they didn't get Jacob's Cream Crackers and salt from the church. But what are they doing to alleviate poverty?

Those churches have a lot of money. In the hundreds of millions of ringgits. EACH. Non-taxable. It's not a bad idea to tap into that resource, to help the poor.

And if they can turn some Muslims into Christians, then? If the Muslims want to become Christians, it's none of our fucking business.

I think the real issue is Malaysia's failure in helping the poor out of their rut. Most of you city slickers don't know what poor is. You haven't gone hungry long enough to know the frustration of not being able to afford shit. So fuck you.

I judge thee.

And here's the thing. It would be easy to assume that the Christians are conniving bastards with an ulterior motive. However, there might be some, if not most, who are genuinely trying to help the poor. And the poor are the Muslims. I have never met a poor Christian in this country. They're ALL rich.

The issue is, I repeat, poverty. BN's success in making Malay millionaires did not trickle down or translate to better living for all. That's the problem.

You wouldn't be so threatened and insecure if you didn't do anything wrong.

Raiding churches is bullshit. Taxing them might be a better - albeit admittedly douchebaggy move - but JAIS should not have any jurisdiction in other religions.

Take care of your own poor first, dumbass.

The solution out of this is to make me a millionaire. Give me lots of money. I'll retire and focus on creating industries, jobs and businesses in poor areas such as Kuantan's underbelly. I will eradicate poverty in these areas and inspire other people to do the same in other places.

The UMNO rich need to open their coffers - and if you have at least one coffer, you're bloddy fucking rich - and help the poor.

You think a RM30 meal is nothing, but some of these people survive on less than RM2 per day for food.

I'm not kidding you. My neighbour has six kids. The guy makes RM400 a month. That's RM50 per month per person.

Whenever I talk about this to Muslims, they immediately brush it off and assume that people have money and are only pretending to be poor. Because that's what they're doing. These fuckers are pretending to be poor, while the real poor remain with their shitty lives.

If the Opposition is to win in the next election, a large part would be because the higher ups and the rich in BN were too fucking greedy and stupid to retain power.

If that happens, I hope DAP steals the living daylights out of you. May you know what it means to be hungry.

The Pit and the Pendulum: The 8TV Ramadan Ad

Aw, man, what the fuck is this shit?

I heard that 8TV had to apologise for their ad depicting a woman showing her armpits during Ramadan.

I mean: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ABOUT ARMPITS?

What is the fixation Malaysia has on armpits? When I worked at Astro and The Malay Mail, we would sometimes get letters advising us against showing armpits.

I don't get a hard-on seeing armpits. To me, the armpit is something to avoid, not a thing that could arouse me in any way.

I believe that someone high up has a fetish for armpits and if they see armpits, they would immediately go to the toilet and jack-off. There is no other explanation.

And the thing about the race of the girl? Well, I don't believe the Chinese in this country are that sensitive. The ones who are sensitive are the Malays, definitely.

If it is a race thing, I will from now on rib my Chinese friends mercilessly. Especially freelance comics artist Ong Chee Yang. Oi, Chee, why so sensitive? Fuck you lah, Chee. Chubbycheechee. Chubbycheechee. Chubbycheechee.

However, I really don't think this has anything to do with race, but everything to do with armpits.

Eleventh Hour of Sleep

I need a massage.

After writing whatever down last night, I went to bed. Just woke up, almost 11 hours later.

My shoulders ache, as well as the rest of my body. And I have two deadlines today. Make that three.

Oh well. My mind feels fresh, though. I managed to gather a lot of information these past few weeks. I am not comfortable acting on anything until I have data. I am no longer young and want to survive by diving headlong into anything and accomplish whatever through sheer boneheadedness.

That strategy can only work for someone in their 20s. I'm getting old, man. The aches and bruises are becoming more of a factor.

Though my body is feeling it, my mind is getting calmer and sharper. And I don't really give a shit about anything else other than what I have to do. What I want to do.

That being said, I still believe it is foolish to act on fairly new grounds without first gathering all the necessary information. The people who trained me showed and demonstrated a profound unwillingness to move until they are satisfied with information gathering. Sometimes, agonisingly so.

I know what I can and cannot do in certain fields. My thing has always been content, but in recent years, I have been dabbling in other things. In the next few years, I want to develop more on other things as well.

We shall see what happens.

BrainStomping

So I went for two brain-storming sessions in two weeks.

The second one included playing board games. It was my first time playing this sort of thing, and I find it really fun. I mean, yes, I have played snakes and ladders, Monopoly and the sort. Even managed to intimidate a rich kid to parting with his Star Wars Monopoly for a while. But these were different and quite fun.

Played two board games from 10pm till 6.30 in the morning, when the session ended with a study of the rules.

I am aware of such toys but have never been inclined to play them, since I am fixated with Yu-Gi-Oh. Since the structure is similar, learning and adapting to the rules was fairly logical.

I need to get me some of these things, maybe cobble together some geeks and force them to play.

Psycho-Seremban

Today, this morning, I'm heading to Seremban. Got some work to do, brosephs.

I lived in Seremban for five years. Five, hellish years. Well, actually, not so hellish for me.

I was in SDAR - a boarding school that recently moved to Seremban III from Seremban. Seremban III is also known as Sungai Gadut.

I came from the swamp, yo, so I was already a weird kid - and I'm still weird now - when I joined the school.

Being in SDAR meant we were the top 400 boys in Malaysia. Cause SDAR is number four amongst boys' schools back then.

First is MCKK. Second is either SAS or STAR, and SDAR brings up the rear. MCKK, you have to be connected to get in. Then, they push some geniuses in, to make sure they got some smart people as well.

SDAR's main sport was rugby. IS rugby, I think. I was never a sportsman. Hated sports. ANd I loathed drawing attention to myself.

One senior found out I could write in English, so I became his personal Cyrano. I was writing love letters to his girlfriend, cause his England not so tall.

Well, I got the last laugh, cause I wrote them all following conventions found in sci-fi and horror.

The one thing I liked about that school is the library. I loved that library cause it had loads of fiction in it. There's the Stephen King set, the Robotech set, as well as most works of Asimov and Clarke. There was a Snoopy encyclopedia set.

Not much Malay books, though. I had my fill of those in primary school.

The food, though, was awesome. We ate six times a day. Breakfast was usually fried noodles, nasi lemak or bread and eggs - either scrambled or boiled.

Recess period meant milk - chocolate, strawberry, corn or whatever. Lunch was rice and other stuff. Mondays it was chicken curry. Saturdays meant chicken rice sometimes. Then, there's tea which used to be curry puffs until we got it changed to hot dogs and beans.

Dinner was almost the same as lunch, with an ice-cream cone every Thursday. Supper was fried noodles, fried rice or whatever.

Funnily enough, the dining hall budget was supplemented by taking funds from the library.

We were sacrificing knowledge for food. And no one complained.

There are lots of stories of buttfucking. Usually told by kids who went to other schools. I was never involved, so I wouldn't know. I do remember that those were dark times. Not for me, cause I escaped with my butthole intact. I got slapped around a bit, but I was never beaten up properly. No one kicked the shit out of me, not cause I was a big kid, but because there was absolutely no political value in beating me up. Don't ask me about buttfucking. I'm not into that shit.

So any of you fighting for the right to have your kids put in boarding schools, you better find out what it really means. We all scored like shit in exams. I scored all As for PMR and six As for SPM. 8 aggregate, with minimal studying, cause the culture is such that you can't help but learn shit. We had to be in class for like, 12 hours a day.

We were number one in Malaysia for PMR in 1995 (most of us got all As, except for like, 7 kids or some shit), until some STF or TKC girls went and re-checked their papers with the Ministry. If you're one of those girls, I wish you have 24 kids.

In retrospect, it wasn't all that bad, but I would not want to go through that again. Even my circumcision was more fun. I got jigsaw puzzles for that. Yay!

Religulous: Kuantan Confidential

In my Chinese family, we have Christians, Muslims, Taoists, self-proclaimed Buddhists, agnostics and atheists.

Self-proclaimed Buddhists, because any version of Buddhism with deities confuses me. I always thought that Buddhists pray to no God. But it's not my religion, so whatever, man.

Some of my uncles and aunts worship the God of Wealth and the God of War. That last bit cause he was in the police force, killing Communists. That uncle died recently. He was a tough guy.

We got some relatives in Singapore. They came by several years back. I hardly remember them. Our surname is Fong, and the ideogram for the character looks like the Japanese kanji for horse. The Singaporean branch's surname is Nyan.

The atheists and agnostics have the most fun, though.

Every Chinese New Year, they'd rib the traditionalists.

"Stupid. Cannot clean the house during new year. What the hell? Dumbass."

One of my favourite uncles would offer me beer every Chinese New Year. My mother would be aghast.

"Let him drink la."

Every time we go to his house, he'd give us a wheelbarrow full of vegetables he grew himself. And he's the one who gives the most in ang pows. For over 40 years, that has always been the case.

He lives in a shack. His dogs and geese and chicken would all come into the house. My mother is always afraid of the puppies. I always thought it was funny.

My grandfather used to keep over 40 dogs. They'd all come rushing out when we came to visit and my mother - a tudung-clad Muslim lady - would be rushing back into the car.

I was even taught an incantation to ward off dogs. Hahaha. Later on, when I read dog psychology, I began applying more scientific methods.

Don't stare a dog in the eye. They consider that a threat. Don't be afraid. They can smell fear, literally.

Humans emit pheromones and when we are scared, our smell also changes. Being confident would tell animals that nothing is wrong and to back off. And what's the worst can a dog do? Lick your face?

I find that most dogs want to smell my ass. I believe this is because with other humans, there are dog smells on them, but with Muslims, we generally do not have any dog smells on us, making some dogs very curious.

"What are these creatures? I got to check their ID."

Having the Chinese over for raya is great. We can at least make sure some people appreciate the food. Malays have rendang at their place as well, so they don't really eat much.

We used to cook over 40 sticks of lemang every raya. Now, we don't do that anymore. Bamboo is getting more scarce every year and you have to go deeper into the jungle every time. I've never been into the jungle to look for bamboo. All I know is that it's fucked up. You have to brave leeches, and then after cutting them on top of the hill, you have to throw/launch them downhill. Then you cut them up and fill the trunk.

It is fucked up work. My father used to cut off the leeches stuck to his body and feed the chickens with the bloodsuckers. Chickens love leeches.

I don't know when I can go back home. I still have loads to do here. Which reminds me. Two more deadlines to go. May the Gods of Wealth and War watch over me. As well as the Abrahamic God and stuff.

True Swamp

I like True Blood because it feels like home. I grew up in a swamp. This parliamentary area just outside Kuantan is called Paya Besar, which literally means big swamp.

I was a bit of a sissy, growing up. The kids would be outside, killing snakes and birds for the night's supper, and I'd be at home, watching TV and reading books.

There wasn't much in terms of entertainment, back then. Electricity was 12 hours a day. TV3 was broadcast in 1986, when TNB - back then LLN - finally gave us 24-hours electricity.

Books were a large part of my entertainment. I didn't read a lot, because in two years after I learned how to read, when I was six, I pretty much read everything in my father's collection.

He had around a few hundred books, most of them encyclopedias for kids. Most of his stuff were from the '60s.

From an early age, my siblings and I realised that we needed to get out of the swamp. Only things you can grow up to be in that swamp was a teacher, a clerk, a sales assistant or a junkie.

My father used to counsel junkies. I used to follow him around, in the evenings before dusk, meeting thin young guys who shacked up by the river. Sometimes they'd stay at my dead aunt's place.

He got some of them jobs. One kicked the habit. I don't know what happened to the rest.

My father never told me, "Don't do drugs." Or "Don't smoke."

All he ever said was, "Do anything you want. But use your own money."

It was not a privileged childhood. I realise now that we were poor. Not extremely poor, but we had to do without a lot of stuff. My father used to buy chicken necks and fry them. Not because he loved chicken necks, but because they're cheap.

I took him out shopping a few years back, and I bought wings, drumsticks and breasts. His face looked so scandalised. The price difference was about 20-40 cents per 100gm.

Rent for a house in the village starts at RM50. Per month. Now, it's getting more expensive. A new highway was built and I heard that most of the malls and supermarkets, hypermarkets, etc were brought in by the royal family, to help develop Kuantan.

Teluk Chempedak used to be the dirtiest beach ever. Now, it's very clean. There's an international school in Kuantan and we also have areas where the rich live.

Again, it was not an easy childhood.

My siblings and I, we all left home when we were 12, and in a sense, none of us ever came back.

Half of the family are teachers, so education is very important. Some of us - not me - used to study until we were told to go to sleep.

I didn't have a bedtime and I watched TV till there was no programming. When TV3 did their 24-hour TV, I watched till 4am, on schooldays.

There was no Astro. No PS3. No Xbox. I borrowed a Super Jamiko - a Nintendo knock-off - once and played for 12 hours straight.

Back in the swamp, though, my grades never fell. My weakest subject was composition. I hated essays. Math was easy. English was basic. In our household, we made sure we could do stuff a few years in advance. I started learning to read when I was four. Mastered it when I was six, and that was considered a bit slow.

Getting As was not a thing to celebrate. It was expected.

I'm the last child, so I was spared a few of the things my older siblings had to do. Desperate for money, the family sold fruits, vegetables and kuihs. I used to follow my mother around as she peddled kuihs. My sisters used to sell guava to other kids. My brother, when he was very young, had to herd cattle.

The land that we own, stuff grew big on them. They grew big, and they grew healthy. Name any tropical fruit, and we have them, or had them. When my father planted morning glory (kangkong), the leaves grew so big, they looked like yam leaves.

I remember there was a rose guava tree (jambu mawar) the fruit of which smells like roses. The tree died years ago.

We used to rear ducks, chickens, quails and even fresh water fish.

My mother didn't like selling stuff. The people in the village - some of them - were mean. Maybe because all of us were poor, but my family always had more stuff. Not because we took UMNO money, but because my father is a frugal man.

In 1991, he decided to build a new house on our land.

He bought wood from a nearby sawmill, marble tiles from Kuantan Quarry, ordered doors from a place in a godforsaken part of Kuantan and gave most of the contract to his Chinese relatives.

He saved a lot on the house. Today, if you want to build the same house, you'd have to spend five times as much. Maybe more.

I've had my differences with my parents. I spent most of my 20s trying to reconcile those issues. Way I see it, my father was an emotionless automaton and my mother was very manipulative. But that's what parents are, I guess.

There are some values I upheld to this day, though. Working hard is one of them. We take pride in the fact that we are still the hardest working people in the swamp.

When I was younger, I had to do shit like water corn and sell them by the roadside. I ran a stall in the dry market during Ramadan. We did a lot of home improvement and maintenance ourselves.

We're not rich people. We never were. We're barbarians.

Nowadays, when I go back, I just want us all to relax. I think we've worked enough. So much so, that the only drama left was what to eat and how to cook stuff.

I think about my nephews and I believe they are lacking a lot of skills that came to us naturally. They don't need to read, cause they have PS3 and XBox. I don't know what will happen to them. Not my kids. And yelling at them would do no good either.

One day, I'll just be another old man in the swamp, planting trees that would outlive me.

If You Don't Know...

I hate it when people pretend to know what I'm talking about, and then I find out that they don't.

Delusional fucks!

I don't understand this insecurity with not knowing. I don't know a lot of stuff. Do I look like I give a shit?

"Hey, Amir, do you know the mean age of surfers who frequent Bhodi Beach?"

"I don't know."

If I was one of those retards, I'd make something up.

"Oh, I heard from this whatever-the-fuck that the mean age during summer for the SOuthern Hemisphere is 18, and during winter, it's 36."

That's complete bullshit. And yet, some people do lie to me when I ask them questions. Why? Because they would look bad if they didn't know? LOOK bad. You know, the image/ego thing?

The worst thing is, they would lie to me, try and feed me with false information, and I would find out about it. I confront them with it, and they try to manipulate reality by being delusional.

Hey, you're not Scarlet Witch, bitch! You do not have reality-altering powers. Stop living in a delusion and realise the fact that whatever lie you tell, little ones or big ones, will eventually be discovered.

And that ultimately, being a liar is worse than being a person who doesn't know.

Heroes of Might and Magic

Back home, before blenders, my family used to rely on this thing:



It is used to make rice flour as well as soy milk by grinding the damned things.

My mother used to sit and grind all day, while cursing.

"Babi. Pukimok. Biji kelentit. Kerja mencalat je hari-hari."

She would swear and curse with such ferocity and emotion. I was entertained just listening to her.

There used to also be an old woman who lived with us. She was my father's adopted aunt.

She lived with us for years. The old woman, my adopted grand-aunt, was said to have supernatural powers.

She could do some incantations to cure minor ailments such as stomachaches and crying. Yes. Crying was considered a sickness.

My father used to try and write down her magic spells. The first time he did it, this was what the old woman said.

"Dengar ye? Jubur taik celaka kampang anak haram! Hisap pelir anjing. Burit berdarah, burit bernanah. Pantat lancau anak anjing!"

WHen my father asked her to repeat the incantation, she would launch into another, different tirade of insults, curses and the like.

All around my village, if you poke some old people in the ribs, they start to weave magic spells. Here's a choice incantation:

"Manzan kintoi kimpai wagebak masklepot."

I have never seen a ghost or any supernatural case. I believe that black magic is just pure bullshit. Used by people with bankrupt egos to prop up their insecurities.