Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Kelantan Vs the Rest of the World

Chelsea beat Manchester United last night. 1-0, motherfucker! 1-0!

Man U needs some goalscorers. They got rid of Cristiano 'Jacques Cousteau' Ronaldo and Carlos 'the Apache' Tevez and now none of the other players are stuffing balls between posts. Michael 'Judas' Owen is useful, if they get another extra 90 minutes like when they beat Manchester City on minute 333.

But the big news in sports is not Man U losing again. Nope. It's about Kelantan fans burning seats after they lost to Negeri Sembilan. 3-1, motherfucker! 3-1!

Lots of people are calling Kelantan supporters 'barbarians' and 'ultra-violent' and whatever else. Some are saying this is why Malaysian football is going down the drain.


The fact that Kelantan fans cared enough about the Malaysian Cup to burn a few seats at the stadium and throw missiles at NS players is perhaps the only sign that Malaysian football is not dead.

In fact, if ALL Malaysian football fans are as passionate and violent as Kelantan fans, no one would watch Man U losing every week anymore, or even WWE RAW.

Violence + football = ratings. I'm now wondering, after burning a car in Kelantan and some seats in the stadium recently, what else are they gonna burn? And can I request some?

Where do I send a list? Can we have a poll? Hell, I know, let's send a PETITION, with a STRONGLY-WORDED LETTER. Strongly-worded means things like 'CONDEMN' and 'OUTRAGE' and 'THE UNDERSIGNED, MORALLY-HYPOCRITICAL DOUCHEBAGS FROM THE UN'.

Anyway, FAM should capitalise on this shit. Those Kelantan fans are their last hope. Even if it's KL vs Kedah, they should put some Kelantan fans in the stadium. Let them burn shit. It makes for good TV.

Think about it. What was the last Malaysian football goal you have ever seen? I remember one by Piyapong Pue-On, in 1992. But I'll remember those images of burning chairs and shit all my life.

We need to turn up the heat, motherfucker! Burn, baby burn!

Sure, some people might die, but we'll have more exciting TV. With all the memorial and shit, we can tap into pain and suffering and sell Malaysian football like never before. People REALLY die in this shit, or get blind or suffer from third degree burns. Not like professional wrestling. Get put through a table, and all you get is a scratch on the forearm.

And all you other fans out there, you're not fans. Not fans of Malaysian football. Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar comes from Negeri Sembilan, but he's a Liverpool fan! I don't know if he watched the match they won recently. After NS won, he was all like, "Imma get me some NS song lyrics."

I'm not a Malaysian football fan. I like Jose Mourinho.

From now on, whenever Malaysia needs to play against any team, don't send the Malaysian team. Send the Kelantan FC. Air Asia should fly some fans to Ali Sami Yen (Galatasaray's stadium) or wherever and fucking burn that stadium up.

The Turks will be like, "Man, we just replaced the seats! Won't finish paying for it till 2015! If they lose, they're gonna burn everything up. Let's give them a six-goal head start."

Arsene Wenger better let Kelantan beat Arsenal, or say goodbye to Ashburton Grove. Ferguson as well. Theatre of Dreams? Theatre of Screams, when the Kelantan fans are done with it.

Kelantan fans can go to FA Cup and sing:

"Wem-be-ley! Wem-be-ley! We're Kelantan FC and we're gonna burn down Wem-be-ley!"

Shit, man. Using threats of violence, Kelantan can win the Asian Chapions League. Fuck ACL, why not UEFA Champions League? Sepp Blatter or Michel Platini want to protest? Next morning, they'd be burnt scorch marks in their cars.

With Kelantan fans on our side, Malaysia can get the one trophy we have never won - the European Cup.

C'mon, FAM! I want to dust off my old t-shirt with iron-on names of Malaysian teams I got from Berita Harian when I was eight.