Thursday, July 5, 2012

A Post About Relationships (Eventually)

A colleague said this gem recently, "Nowadays, we treat work as if it's our relationship and our relationship as if it's work."

Which is true for a lot of us. Remember that old thing about "it's not personal, it's just business?" Not true at all, in this day and age.

People - a lot of them, at least - depend on their jobs for satisfaction in life, egoic or otherwise. Some people see their performance as extensions of their dick. Their fulfilling their KPIs, or hitting targets, 'killing' or bullying people at work as akin to bashing a penis surrogate on someone's face.

When it comes to relationships, I believe humanity - a lot of us, at least - are treating it like work.

"I sucked your dick. Now buy me a dress!"

"I paid for your food, bitch, so 29% of your pussy is mine!"

"Come on, man! I sucked your dick! I sucked your dick!"

Sex is a business transaction. Love and friendships are strategic partnerships designed to increase ROI. A thank you card is value-added takeaway.

People kept giving me advice about women, believing that after years of spending time interviewing Thai prostitutes, I couldn't get laid or that I fuck anything that walks. I appreciate the thought and the help offered, but:

First of all, I don't fuck ugly people. If you're ugly, go kill yourself. No amount of 'personality' or 'quirkiness' can balance out a truckload of ugly. And the cure for stupid, is death.

At the core of it, though, are generations of men who believe that in order to get any girl - and by 'get', they mean doing an acquisition of commodities, and by 'commodities', I mean pussy - you must do certain things, many of them stuff you wouldn't do otherwise.

Their advice consists of usually:

1. Lie

Pretend you're someone else. Someone with more money, a bigger dick, someone who has never done anything uncool in his life.

The logic is that women lie all the time. Their tits look round, but take their clothes off, and you might be momentarily confused before realising that the 'third nipple' is actually her belly button. Or that most of that globular fat is actually foam.

They wear makeup, so the eyes are bigger, cheekbones sharper, blablabla. Heels to hide the fact that they're midgets, tucking their penises up their ass, that kind of shit.

So men have to pretend they're more stable financially, or bloody fucking rich until you realise that the bravest thing he could do is brazenly ask you for money.

You have to pretend that you're an all-doting, all-protecting bullshit of the world.

I am not any of these things. I am uncool. I am the embodiment of not cool. I hate trends, I hate fads, I hate elitists as much as I do plebeians.

I don't have a lot of money. I do all right for myself, but I sure as hell won't buy you a RM2,000 dress even if you do anal. You know why? Cause the works, the whole shebang, plus anal, is just RM220 in Thailand.

It doesn't make for good business sense, does it?

And in the long run, when she discovers who you really are - a broke, small-dicked motherfucker with no future - what then? She fell for a guy who didn't exist and she's gonna leave your ass, taking whatever you have left.

2. Rituals

They say, send flowers, bitches love that shit. Surprise her!

You know what I would give to people who surprise me?

An elbow to the face.

I hate surprises and since women are also of the same species, I am guessing some of them at least would also give an elbow to the face to anyone who surprises them.

And flowers? Flowers are the reproductive organs of plants. When you're giving a girl a flower, what you're really doing is you're giving her dick. Either a symbol of emasculation or you want to see her suck your dick. Either way, I find that highly offensive.

Courting girls is not some awkward dance with with preset moves, like StreetFighter II. Girls who fall for the old 1-2 combo are dumbass motherfuckers who will only cause you grief in the end.

A lot of people have different tastes. For example, some bitches loooove getting beaten up. They really dig that shit. Some, love to be treated badly. Others, want to feel like a princess in a Disney movie, which is why I had one trapped in a cage with a tiger and an evil hunchback vizier with her vocal chords removed after transforming her into an amphibian.

3. "Look at me. I'm a douche, and I got the girl."

Well, any girl who falls for a douche is an idiot and should breed only with douchebags, creating a sub-species of simians who would all later die of extinction.

Not worth it. 6-8 billion humans in the world allows us to say fuck off and die to just about anybody.

And what's the ending, Mr Douche? Either you get depressed or both of you get depressed. There is no good outcome from that - just stupid.

I believe that any relationship worth anything should not feel like work or forced. It should feel effortless. You actually want to do things. Yes, some of the things require work, like hailing a cab or getting on a plane, or fucking, but it won't be done with a burden on your shoulders.

I carry out my fucking as I do my work - I do not lie. The minute I do, or repress anything about myself that does not need to be repressed (my raging boner for cartoon porn should be hidden from polite company, but my raging boner for Scarlett Johansson is free for all to see), then I'm out of the stupid shit.

I believe that lying destroys the world. It creates destruction for no reason. Call me stupid, but I am too arrogant to lie. I'm so fucking noble and shit.